Disconnected

[Guest_2350]

I am travelling in my home countries at the moment with a lot of friends and family and I am feeling so disconnected, it is weird to explain. This should be such a happy time and we have planned this trip for so long! I enter memory lane from time to time and I only sometimes feel present, when I hug loved ones. Then it is all gone again. I must make all the right moves, as apart from my husband no one has commented on my solemn mood. 

I just want the holiday to be over. I wonder where all the years have gone. I know now that I have run away from all the memories and I don't really want to be here. I want to be where I feel safe, where I feel no hassle. I have just stopped understanding myself. I just don't make sense.I have been feeling the clouds closing in the last few days, is there nothing I can do to stop this downward spiral?

[Guest_2350]

Dear Neil,

 I will answer your email tomorrow morning.

I just wanted to let you know that my son came home for my bday weekend and I am so happy to see him, I cannot believe how much I missed him 🙂 Best birthday present ever 🙂 I am so happy at the moment, I have not felt like this for a long time!

Have a lovely weekend and good luck at the races, Yggy xx

[Guest_2350]

Dear Neil,

I woke up happy. I spent a moment analysing why I feel that the clouds have lifted, whether the increased meds are working, was I just missing my son... and then I decided, no analysing, just enjoy the moment.

Thank you for sharing a bit of your story. It feels so similar and I can understand you. My choice of words are different, I use bottling up or my draw system "open draw, stuff shit in, shut draw" and I do feel like a fraud.

In my teenage years I learnt that I need to toughen up and plough through issues like a machine, without stopping, time does not stand still, my issues are small on a world scale, just keep going... To this day I know it was the correct attitude for the problem that needed addressing, but it changed me. My attitude to the world changed, I learnt to analyse problems on a much larger scale, from a much different perspective. Then I learnt that I cannot expect people to see my perspective and I changed my approach of talking to them - that is when I started to behave differently to how I feel. I also learnt to value life and I learnt to tell people that I love them. I learnt a lot in those years, a lot of positive things, but I changed. I started addressing my inner struggles with partying, always having a good time, never resting, never settling down - and I did have a great time. I have settled down now and my physical issues made me take a rest - 25 years of bottled up feelings are cracking the surface.

I agree with setting goals and setting small goals. I have asked my psych to help me set new goals, as it is a struggle for me at the moment to set goals, in the last couple of years I had so many set backs that I stopped believing in myself. I need help to get back on track. I set little goals like "go for a walk" but I don't beat myself up if I don't reach them. I am missing the big picture, I am often very confused.

You told me about your tattoo and how important it is for you. 11 days time is not long to wait now! What makes you excited to get your tattoo? Is it the excitement to see all your planning taking shape? Is it having the meaning engraved in your skin? My tattoo has healed now and it is looking great 🙂

I was in the city the last few days and saw 3 cruise ships - perhaps I just have to try a very short cruise one day and see if I like it. I am more into camping, heading to a deserted beach or the outback.

I've got friends coming for a BBQ today and we will watch the rugby final.

Good luck at the races, Yggy xox

[Guest_2350]

Dear Mrs Dools, dear Neil,

I have started my long trip and I am feeling sick in my stomach. I have never needed so long to pack, to get dressed... but I am on the way now. I have just read through our previous conversations again and reminded myself that I can do this. My head feels so numb as if my ears need to pop. 

I'll be there in 30 hours, perhaps I can be in touch from one of the airports.

Look after yourselves, Yggy x

[Neil_1]

Dear Yggy

Wow, that was awesome to read about your weekend and with your son returning and by the way, I’d like to wish you a bit of a belated, but very hearty HAPPY BIRTHDAY.  And you’re right, what a great present his presence would have been.

Sorry I missed you before you jetted out – but I hope that over the last day or so, things have been “ok” for you.  I know that sick in the stomach feeling (as I have no doubt, so many others of us out there do as well) and it is awful.

I really hope that you are doing as well as can be expected and as you’re again going to be in a different place, I hope that you can sort your things into your own special order and place.  To try and get things to be a little more comfortable for you – to even venturing here, where we all feel safe and by coming here it’s kind of a semblance of ‘normal’.  I hope you understand this last paragraph.

The tattoo is an addition to me – an addition to Neil.  As I’ve said, my tatts must mean something to me and this one will be incredibly special, as it was born by an idea from my beautiful daughter (15yo) – who knows all about my mental health battles.

Oh wow, camping – that’s what I like to tell our kids is something that our fore-fathers had to do, just so we don’t have to do that anymore.  Ie:  I know that masses of people do this and LOVE it, but it isn’t my kind of an idea for a holiday;  give me a 4 star apartment or something.  But you know, it’d be a funny old world if we all thought and enjoyed the same things.

Look forward to hearing from you again

Neil

[Guest_2350]

Dear Neil,

regards from India. I have left the big cities now, have finished my flights and am settling in a nice little hotel where I will have meetings the next few days. I have unpacked my bags and decided on my routine until I leave again - including my daily visit on bb. It is good to know that I am not the only one struggling. It seems like that when I see all the happy faces around me - but then I put up my happy mask as well, so who knows... I try to feel reasonably safe, I try to focus on the fact that I am safe. I think the increased meds are helping.

Thank you for the birthday wishes, it was very special to have my son home!

It sounds like you have a similar connection to your daughter. I find it very special that she was involved in your latest tattoo, will she join you when you are having it done? Only a few more days to wait! I agree that a tattoo forms a part of ourselves, my tattoo is still so new, but it is definitely a part of me. How does your daughter cope with your mental health battles? I have not told the kids yet, I find it so difficult to talk about something that I cannot explain.

How did you go at the races? I missed Melbourne cup as I was on the plane but heard it was good.

Hope to hear from you soon. Yggy x

[Neil_1]

Dear Yggy

Great to hear from you and keep that mask up and on.  Especially for where you are at the moment;  that's the big thing, to help you get through this stage.  Sounds great that you have set up your routine and it's also good knowing that you are aware of the situation and how to deal with things, so nothing will come as a surprise.

I'm in a bad place, but this is your thread so I'll keep it diverted for the time being.

Yes, my daughter will be coming along on Monday - she's been along once before and enjoyed being there;  seeing her Dad squirm at times ... she seemed to think that funny.

My daughter is amazing when it comes to my mental health - she can read me when I'm down and will sit with me and ask if I want to talk.  It's truly amazing.  Likewise, she also comes to me and asks my advice for when she has concerns about a friend at school who is doing it tough.  She will explain to me the situation and then she'll let me know what she's done so far;  but basically she's after my thoughts on further things she can say or do.  I'm proud of her beyond belief.  And I can't let my son slide here either;   he's more of a quieter one, BUT if I know that if ever I want to unload, he'll be there for me as well.  Trouble is though, he's 17yo and when he hugs, he hugs with strength and passion and I have to be careful otherwise I could receive some cracked ribs.

Kind regards

Neil

[Guest_2350]

Dear Neil,

Please let me know how you are getting on, I am here for you. I would appreciate if you let me know in this thread (I would not call it "my thread") as I try to only read other threads in the "keeping well" section or sections that have less chance of having content that can upset me. But I would really like to be there for you the way you are for me. So if you feel like sharing what you are going through, please do so - or let me know "your thread".

What are your strategies when you feel low?

Your daughter sounds like an amazing young woman and you are right to be proud of both your children!!

 Take care Neil and please be in touch,  Yggy x

[Neil_1]

Dear Yggy

I used to call my items of depression, “my balloons of depression”, but in actual fact I’ve changed that now to be my “anchors of depression”.  I used the complete wrong analogy with balloons, as they give the impression of fun, uplifting and happy, that was so weird that I’d label them that.  So I’ve changed them to call them my anchors of depression, which makes for a much more apt version of describing them.

I have so many of them and they just feel heavy on me as I drag them along.

My latest one comes from the result of the Melbourne Cup.  The horse ridden by Michelle Payne.  Now Michelle is one of 10 siblings of a family who suffered horrible tragedy, when Michelle was less than a year old (so 30 years ago);  the mum died in a tragic road accident.

When my Dad heard about this, he then followed the Payne name in the racing circles – he never met them, but he just found them to be a wonderful family and very skilful jockeys.   Hence he always backed the horses ridden by the Paynes;  and to some extent I have that same affliation (or I used too).

I could go on a lot more about this, but Michelle rode the winner, Prince Of Penzance on Tuesday in the Cup and it was 100-1;  and I know beyond doubt, that my Dad (who passed away in 2007) would have backed the Prince and Michelle.  But did I back it?  No.   And even at the 200m mark of the race, I could see Prince surging to the lead, I shouted out “Go Michelle”, as I knew she was riding it.  I didn’t give a toss about who I backed at that stage;  and then it didn’t hit me till immediately after the race that I didn’t bet on it.

I know it shouldn’t affect me so much, but it really has.  I’ve cried each day since because of this.

You asked about my strategies for dealing with my issues.  That’s a very good question.  I’m on 3 different kinds of medications and they are all pretty high doses;  I exercise every day – I write down my issues, or type them down;  I find talking about them is very difficult.  It’s that old catch 22 situation;  where I want to talk about them, but I don’t want to.   I can’t tell you why that is.   Though there’s something there that I would feel that if I bothered someone to talk about things, it would be a waste of their life – say 2-3 hours of their life that they’ll never get back and at the end of it, who’s to say I’d feel better anyway.

I think I need to get back to my psych.

Neil

[Guest_2350]

Dear Neil,

Thank you so much for sharing a little bit of your story. I agree with your anchors. Balloons remind me of happy colours and happy times and smiling faces and they can also easily pop and never be restored. An anchor is for me a better explanation. It has a significant weight on your life, sometimes the line gets a bit of slack when the tide goes
out, sometimes you just know it is there and it lets you float and sometimes it is spring tide and it drags you down with full force. I guess we all have anchors in our lives, just the length of the line vary and the weight of the anchor. 

I am sorry to hear that the Melbourne Cup caused you so much upset. I can think of a million reasons that I see in your story that would make me cry, but that would be referring to my own anchors. Do you know why it makes you so upset? Can you pin point the trigger? 

I can understand the difficulty of talking about your issues. I always feel silly when I talk about my issues and I think it has a lot to do with the fact, that no one who has not
been through it or is qualified, can actually understand what you are going through. I am being pretty unsocial on my current trip, but I am protecting myself. Please feel free to write down what bothers you. I personally feel that you have given me many more hours of understanding and helping myself through your constant support and I am so grateful that you took the time. I do not feel like you would waste my time, it would be nice to be able to give something back.

A little update from travelling, perhaps that will make you smile, even for a moment. I am sitting in my room, the meetings will start in a minute. I look out of the window and I am surrounded by a forest of coconut palm trees and a large dark river. It is very tranquil here and in my breaks I have been able to breathe in and relax. I even treated myself to a long massage last night, which was beautiful. I am taking it very easy and I am trying to enjoy the little pleasures, watching the birds and taking in nature. I hope it keeps me grounded for when I hit the big city tomorrow. Mumbai is so busy and the air pollution is bad, but it will only be a little while before I am home then. I even enjoy the food very much, though my digestion does not, but I can cope okay with the meds I am taking.

I hope today will be a better day for you. Take care, Yggy x

[Doolhof]

Hi Yggy and Neil,

It seems ages since I have managed to find time on the forum! Most of my computer time has been focusing on my study which I am doing for work purposes.

I have skimmed through your messages to each other and see that you are in India right now Yggy. I loved India! It is so colourful and exotic. Mumbai is amazing. I loved just watching people, exploring and experiencing so many new and different happenings there. Yes, the noise, poverty, stench in places and over crowding is overwhelming, but there is so much beauty as well.

Lately my husband has hit rock bottom so I have been trying to support him. One thing that helps him is to get out of the house. So after my work we have been going out for a drive or visiting other people. It makes life very busy for me, trying to fit in everything that needs doing.

Last week I hit a kangaroo! I felt so dreadful, the poor animal didn't have a chance. I was okay and the car can be repaired, but the death of the roo made me feel so devastated and sad. My car will be repaired over the next couple of days.

I've been spending time in the garden when possible preparing it for the bush fire season. My husband does not seem to like to be outside so it is all up to me! At least I am keeping fit with all this work! Ha.Ha.

We hope to have the farmer's sheep in again next year. They have come and borrowed our trailer a few times to shift some of their sheep as our trailer is larger than theirs, so it is wonderful to be able to help each other out.

Right now the garden is as dry as a bone and all of the grass is well and truly dead, so our land will not support anything right now. I have been seeing some lizards in the garden and my husband saw a snake on the front porch on his way to the post office!

Thinking of you both.

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools