Disconnected

[Guest_2350]

I am travelling in my home countries at the moment with a lot of friends and family and I am feeling so disconnected, it is weird to explain. This should be such a happy time and we have planned this trip for so long! I enter memory lane from time to time and I only sometimes feel present, when I hug loved ones. Then it is all gone again. I must make all the right moves, as apart from my husband no one has commented on my solemn mood. 

I just want the holiday to be over. I wonder where all the years have gone. I know now that I have run away from all the memories and I don't really want to be here. I want to be where I feel safe, where I feel no hassle. I have just stopped understanding myself. I just don't make sense.I have been feeling the clouds closing in the last few days, is there nothing I can do to stop this downward spiral?

[Neil_1]

Dear Yggy

That’s an awesome way of looking at this – and being able to come to terms with this awful thing, where catastrophies do happen, BUT not everything that you imagine does come true.  So yes, you can be lucky to “not” experience these kinds of horrible things.  Or should I qualify that a little with, not everything horrible happens to you (or me or us).  I hope that made sense.

I also initially read where you said that the nightmares and flashbacks are the reason you are here – I read that as literally, ie:  the reason you went overseas, but upon reading again, I think you are referring to being here on B.B.   I really hope that being on here has (and is) helping you.  I know for me it does.  Well not so much for all the pain that I carry around, but more so that I feel good within myself if I can reach out to others and provide advice and support and I can do that, through living with these experiences on a daily basis.

Even if you can’t jog Yggy;   just get out and do some minutes/km’s walking – sure it takes longer to where you’re going, but it’s all part of the process.

The longest I’ve gone is for 2 lots of 6 hour events;   in one event I did 58km and the other time doing a 6 hour event, and really little training, I managed 50km.  Those were within about a year of each other, around 7 or so years ago – in my early 40’s;   as this year, I ticked over to the big five oh (50).  🙂

I love that philosophy you mentioned;  in your eyes there’s no such thing as too old – that’s something I have in my mind-set as well – as each year goes by, I want to be more physically fit and healthy and so my approach is to welcome each new birthday at being better than I was last birthday.  Better in my eyes is to be physically bigger and also healthier.

I think we have the same kind of mindset there – where the word “old” is just that – just a word.  As long as we’re careful with things, training and the like, so we avoid injuries, I can’t see why we can’t become better and better as each year goes by.

Kind regards

Neil

[Doolhof]

Hi Neil and Yggy,

It has been a while once again since my fingers have hit the keyboard here in Beyond Blue Land. I have been thinking of you both and of a lot of others here using this wonderful tool for connecting with like minded people.

My husband has been really depressed lately and I have been feeling for him as I know only too well what it is like when you struggle to just get out of the bed in the morning! He is on a slight improve now so that is good. I try to encourage him to talk about his issues but he keeps them all inside.

That is the wonderful thing about BB, we can all share how we are feeling, the good, the bad and the down right ugly.

I wish you both well with your physical endeavours. Some days I can't contemplate driving 100 km let alone trying to walk or run that far. Ha. Ha. I'm hoping a trip to the physio will help some of my aches and pains on Friday.

I was watching a clip on Facebook of a lady in her 80s doing gymnastics. She was amazing. My mother in law at 75 still plays a low level competition tennis and a lady of 90 is playing in door carpet bowls in our competition.

When I was 30 I had a back operation and spent about a year just lying on the floor, so I am so much fitter now than I was then! I would like to make the time for more walking, never was much good at running. I used to trip over my own ankles! Ha. Ha.

Wishing you both well with finding ways to get over your demons.

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

Oh yer, on a bright note, we now have two lambs in our little borrowed flock of sheep. They are adorable! I am going to miss them so much when they go home again!

[Guest_2350]

Dear Neil & Mrs. Dools,

 Neil, I hope you are coping ok with this difficult week. I am thinking of you. 

I know I have only ticked over the 40s but I find 50s is still young! A lot of my friends are in their 50s and I see very little difference - perhaps I am just older than my age 😉

Mrs. Dools, I hope your husband is feeling a little better. 

It is only a few years ago that I decided to make time for walking and I always said I would never run. And then one day I tried a little and a little more. I am a very slow runner but I love being outside. When I am back home I will run again, I am just too worried of injury before my flight.

Two lambs, that is beautiful, are they coming up to you when you call?

I am coming to the end of my holiday and I made it through! Yay! I made it through the good and the bad and I learnt a lot! I am a different person and I want to accept that I am. I am very bitter and angry at the moment and I think people are struggling to live with me, but all I can say is stop! And then I move on. I am trying not to hurt the people that have not hurt me, but it is difficult to distinguish. I am VERY confused about my own feelings, my memories... I have coped ok by just taking it day by day, sometimes minute by minute, with all the side effects that come with living like this. I feel selfish and sometimes horrible, but I am proud that I made it through and that I am still here. I had my moments, one day I sat on a bench and just froze - literally froze as it is getting cold here now - and I just wanted to fall asleep and leave it all behind. I was sitting under a willow tree and looked over the river and cried. I want to talk about this when I get home.

Today I am having a lasting memory engraved on my skin. It will be my first and probably only tattoo. 

Soon I will return and I might only get back to you when I am back in Oz. Thank you so much for helping me through my holidays!

Kind regards from Switzerland, Yggy xox

[Doolhof]

Hi Yggy,

Could you please bring back some rain with you! We have gone from winter to spring here and everything is so scorched already. The crops that were green last week are now a golden yellow. The plants in the garden look exhausted. I will need to get out and do some watering.

Unfortunately the lambs are not that friendly. Their Mum's are very protective of them and wander off when ever I go near them. I like to wander amongst the sheep a couple of times a day. I find it to be very calming. I am going to miss them when they return to the farmer. We are quickly running out of feed for them.

It certainly does sound like you have some very traumatic memories that you are trying to deal with or suppress. I am not sure which. Sometimes I wish my mind had a delete button for all the rotten stuff! I seem to forget so much other stuff. Ha. Ha. I don't know why the traumatic and troublesome memories stay so prominent when I can't even remember my mobile phone number!

I hope you have a safe an uneventful journey back home. Maybe the flight might be a type of catalyst for you, a way of trying to let go of the past and realising that the moment you get back to Australia, a new way of living and being can commence.

I'd like to make more time for walking, I need to make more of an effort and find a balance between everything else that is happening.

Thinking of you, cheers for now, from Mrs. Dools

[Neil_1]

Dear Yggy (in Switzerland AND with ink !)

I guess when you read this, you may be back in our wonderful country – holidays are awesome, but there’s nothing like being back home.

I’ve gotta say “congrats” to you Yggy – that you have got through this and for the most part, it seems like you have got through “ok”.  Sure we only heard bits and pieces from you and that we weren’t riding it 24/7 with you, but you made it.  This was also achieved by not only having to be away and overseas in totally unfamiliar places, with unfamiliar surroundings, foods, etc;  but you were also with others also, and let’s face it, at times, “other people” can be difficult.  They don’t mean to be, it’s just them being themselves and as we know, we are all different and what might be a charming and enjoying attribute from one person, might be a similar thing to scraping finger nails down a chalkboard to another.

You’ve also mentioned where you think you may have hurt others, but you know, sometimes we get these feelings and it’s something that is usually a mole-hill, but we escalate it to be the size of a mountain.  Meaning that because of how we are within our minds and ourselves, we might blow things to be out of proportion;  I’m not saying that this is the case with you Yggy – but hey, you just never know;   things “might” not be as harsh as what you think they are.

Hey, onto age – isn’t age interesting.  For me, yes, I’ve hit 50 this year, but I still feel as though I’m somewhere in my mid-20’s.  I don’t see myself as being 50;   and as a kid, I always thought, whoa, being 50, that’s a hell of an age and someone being that age, would be really starting to slow down.  See how stupidly my brain works !   But for me, it’s a number and that’s it.   Being stuck somewhere in my mid-20’s isn’t a bad spot to be;   but I guess on the other side of the coin … ohhhh to know then, what I know now, in so many aspects of life.  But what’s done is done and so we continue on.

A tatt !   Yggy, that’s HUGE.  I LOVE it – may I ask what is it of and how did you handle the tattoo-ing process?

I have 9, but am going to be adding another 3 over the coming months.

Cheers

Neil

[Guest_2350]

Dear Mrs Dools and Neil,

 Neil, I hope this difficult week has passed and you have found some peace within yourself. 

I still look at my tattoo in wonder and marvel that it is not washing off. It was very painful on the bones and tendons - I am not sure if any spot on the body hurts more or less - and I am not planning to find out myself. I made it through the 2 hour process like a whimp, white knuckled and grinding my teeth. But the result is wonderful, I had a real artist applying the ink. I had a tattoo of my nickname - on one hand remembering the man who named me and who was killed in a senseless civil war. But it is also the reminder of survival and how I have coped over the years. It is a strong tattoo, a colourful one, one that can make me smile, one to show me continued friendship and love. One that can only be identified for all the right reasons by myself.

Mrs Dools, I hope you had some rain! I paid attention when driving to work this morning and you are correct: I can already see the dryness of the land! Our sheep will run out of food soon too!

The journey back was without any events and the flights passed quickly. Now I am back in my world, at least for a brief period, and need to face work and my care team. Physically I cannot wait to go through the treatments, mentally I am anxious to talk to my GP about some of the issues I faced when travelling and also about changing psychs. I believe I have coped really well, but the spiral continues to drag me deeper every time and I don't want to lose myself in the process - I appreciate life too much, but the carelessness I can feel at times is starting to worry me. 

 Neil, I understand your comments about the age. 30 used to be for me ancient and I never thought I would live to see the 30s. I was so sure that in the year I turned 30 I was frightened to die - silly I know a good 10 years later, but my dreams felt real. Now I celebrate every year that I am allowed to be here 🙂 I will not grow old gracefully.

All the best from Yggy - in Australia and with Ink 😉

[Doolhof]

Hi Yggy,

Welcome home! From what you have written and shared with us, it does seem like you have been on quite a journey, literally and emotionally. I hope you allow yourself the time you need to settle back into home life. It sounds like you have needed to return to work so that will keep you busy.

I find it always takes me a week or two to settle into home life again. You also have many things to think about and consider from the sounds of it.

I'm so sorry to read that your Dad died in a civil war. That is something a lot of us Australians just don't understand. We see the wars and conflicts on T.V. but don't know what it is like to live in that situation every day, sometimes for years. My heart weeps for those in such circumstances.

If you don't mind me asking, where  on your body do you have your tattoo? I had thought strongly of getting a tattoo earlier this year in memory of our babies but chickened out. I don't like pain at all! Ha. Ha. I dislike needles with a passion and nearly pass out when I have to give blood or need an injection!

I also suffer from keloid scarring so don't know it that would be an issue. I do like the colourful tattoos. Some of them are such wonderful works of art, they amaze me.

I guess I wouldn't be the first person to pass out while having a tattoo done! Ha. Ha.

Once again welcome home!

From Mrs. Dools

[Neil_1]

Hi there Yggy in Oz  🙂

Welcome back.  🙂

Having now been back a number of days, I’m guessing that the sanctuary of your home and all the surrounds has hopefully enveloped you and that you are feeling a sense of calm and comfort;  just by being in your home environment.

I sure hope that you feel ultra proud of yourself for getting through your overseas trip and making it out the ‘other side’.  You would have had your share of tricky situations and awkward times (more than what you wrote to us, I would believe) and as you said in an earlier post, by getting through this, it’s created a different person within you.  That IS a positive, a big positive and it’s something that you can think back on as well to know that though some times were tough, you DID get through them.  Yes, at times it was tough and stressful, but I hope that in time, you can remember the good that came out of this.

From that, you’ve also now got a couple of new things on the horizon – to see your GP and to organise the transition to a new psych;  again all very positive stuff Yggy.

Oh boy, the description of your tatt was awesome.  It sounds like an amazing piece that you’ve acquired and yes, I agree that when you get it, you find yourself constantly checking it out.   Not sure if I mentioned, but with all of mine, there are two specific requirements that have to be met.  (a) I have to be able to see it – so that rules out any tatts on my back;  & (b) they have to have meaning to me – has to have significant meaning to me.

Tattoo pain is but a moment in time - it doesn't last, but the tattoo, the beauty, the art, the brilliance of it, lasts forever.  I hate needles as well, but go figure, I've had 9 tatts and have another 3 in the planning.

Anyway, will finish this one off for now – great to have you back and let’s stay in touch.

Neil

[Guest_2350]

Dear Mrs. Dools, Dear Neil,

thank you for your messages. I read them again. Yes I do need to be proud and I am happy that I did the trip.

My tattoo is on top of my foot. I agree with Neil, for me a tattoo needs to be visible and have a meaning. Mrs Dools, I am sorry to hear you have lost babies, a tattoo would be a wonderful little memory, but I agree to be careful if you scar easily.

I met my GP and we discussed how my trip went and also my reasoning to change psychologists; now my GP wants me to see a psychiatrist first. I feel exhausted after the appointment. Until today it did not dawn on me, that somehow I will have to go through everything again, even if it is only scratching the surface.

I need to focus on being home, being safe and getting back into a routine, at least for a short while, then business travel will start once again.

Once again I would like to thank you for being part of my trip to Europe, and for sharing your stories. I hope you are both well!

Stay in touch and take care, Yggy x

[Guest_2350]

Dear Mrs Dools, Dear Neil, 

I am reading my old posts on bb to show me that I will get through. I feel like I have taken ten steps back. I'm waiting for the appointment with a psychiatrist to find a new direction and a new psychologist and my mind is racing. How did I end up here? I have been questioning everything and everyone in my life for a while now. Why do I need to see a psychiatrist? Why am I here?

I think I am worried about seeing the new psych and I am worried to travel again. I'm worried to get used to a new psych and start from the beginning. I am worried that it will still not be the right match. I got my travel itinery today. This time I am on my own. All on my own and in a country where I have never been. A day of travel each way for a couple of days of meetings. I will barely be over my jetlag before I fly again. I will not be able to have a routine before I travel again.

I've been sitting here for a couple of hours now, trying to make sense out of my own words, out of my own thinking, out of my feelings. I've spent some time lying on my back and looking at the ceiling. I still think that is a great place to be.