Disconnected

[Guest_2350]

I am travelling in my home countries at the moment with a lot of friends and family and I am feeling so disconnected, it is weird to explain. This should be such a happy time and we have planned this trip for so long! I enter memory lane from time to time and I only sometimes feel present, when I hug loved ones. Then it is all gone again. I must make all the right moves, as apart from my husband no one has commented on my solemn mood. 

I just want the holiday to be over. I wonder where all the years have gone. I know now that I have run away from all the memories and I don't really want to be here. I want to be where I feel safe, where I feel no hassle. I have just stopped understanding myself. I just don't make sense.I have been feeling the clouds closing in the last few days, is there nothing I can do to stop this downward spiral?

[Neil_1]

Hi there yggy

So is it just you and your husband doing the travelling?   No one else with you?

It sounds like your husband has picked up on your solemn mood – is he ok with it and as a result, is he supportive of you?   Trying to do things to shield you a bit from others or perhaps unwanted attention?

How long have you been gone for now and how long do you have left with your holiday?   I understand your comment of wanting to be where you feel safe and feel no hassle.

With regard to the time still left, are there things you can plan for that could just involve you and your hubby doing things just by yourselves?  Some of your own sight-seeing and if possible, to make it earlier in the day, when there might be less people about?   Is there opportunity for you to be by yourself, if you really wished for that ??

Something that will be hard to do, as I find this hard also, especially when I’m out of my comfort zone and that is to recognise that the time that you’re away for at the moment is only but a ‘moment’ in your life.  It might well feel an awful lot longer than that to you right now, but whenever you are back home, and “in your safe place”, you will be able to look back and realise that indeed, that time away did pass by quite quickly.  It might also have you thinking, that even though you weren’t in your safe place, you were still supported by your husband and though it was a place kind of foreign to you, the bottom line was, you managed to get through it.

I don’t know if that made sense, but I hope some of it helped.

Kind regards

Neil

[Doolhof]

Hi Yggy,

I find it tough to have feelings of disconnection where I live, let alone in a different country away from what is now unfamiliar. If you can, try and find something new and different to do in the areas you are visiting.

When I return to the place where I grew up, I usually feel a bit weird, like I don't belong there any more. I try to make the most of it. I tell myself I can handle the visit and soon enough I will be returning to my own home again.

I ask the people I meet about themselves so then the focus is taken off of me and how I am feeling.

I also find the countryside, parks, any place near water to be a comfort and try to find those sorts of places when I feel uneasy.

Chat with your husband and try to explain how you are feeling. He might be able to come up with some options as well.

Wishing you well on your travels.

From Mrs. Dools

[Guest_2350]

Dear Neil & Mrs. Dools,

 thank you for your answers. It is good to be able to talk about this and hear some other experiences. It helped me to remember that "this too shall pass". Makes me sad to think of my holidays in this way.

(Un)fortunately we are travelling in a rather large group of friends and time out is basically impossible. I try to go for runs when time and weather allow and I sleep. I try to keep my husband in the dark as much as possible, as it is bad enough if I don't enjoy the holiday as much as I should. I know this may be wrong, but I hope if I just fake a happy face long enough I might just believe it myself! I think my husband could be supportive but he is not very sensitive and he does not understand. 

We have just finished week 1 of 5. Hopefully I will settle into a routine now that the jetlag is behind me. I struggle more when we move hotels every day, but we have a few longer stays as well, so that is good. 

I am trying to remember that I am safe, I am not threatened in the present moment. I find this really important when I get anxious. And I use my "Worry diary" a lot that I rename my "Angry diary" in my angry days. I am glad that I have realised my mood cycles before going on this trip so I can wait out the sad, numb, angry days and look forward to the brief period of being present and at times even happy!

Mrs. Dools, I try to shift the focus to other people as much as I can - I feel stunned when people ask about myself, I just don't know what to answer. Normally I try to change the subject.  

Thank you again for your support, I am not feeling so alone when I read posts here! 

Best regards from England, Yggy

[Doolhof]

Hi Yggy,

It certainly sounds like you are trying your best to make the most of what is going on around you. I hope you will be able to relax more and enjoy parts of your day more.

I certainly know what you mean about having to pack up and move all of the time. I don't cope very well with that part of a holiday either. For me I think it is the constant change that I find a little unsettling.

Another problem I have is that when I am stressed or nervous I need to pee frequently. Each night in a different room, I have to remember where the toilet is and how to find it in the dark so I don't disturb my husband. I would like a dollar for every time I have banged into furniture and door frames! Ha. Ha.

I have found that taking a lot of photos helps me feel more like I am in the moment.

Modern technology is wonderful isn't it. There you are the other side of the world and you can still keep in touch!

I'm going to have a busy day. I have booked in for a long over due hair cut, I have recently started studying for my work so need to do some study, I want to do some gardening and let the chooks out, the sun is shining so I have the washing to organise, lunch to prepare and in the late afternoon friends are arriving and will stay the night.

Apparently they are leaving fairly early which is a good thing as I have a full day of Country Fire Service training on Sunday then I hope to do more study in the evening. My husband seemed to have forgotten I was going to be busy all day Sunday, even though it is all on the calendar.

I think I will have a weekend away when my study is finished!

Hoping you are keeping well. Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools 

[Neil_1]

Dear Yggy (in England)

Well, you’re well and truly into Week Two of your time away and I hope that with all your mechanisms in place, that you’re able to get some kind of calmness happening for yourself and if not, then I hope the weather is at least better, so you can return to our shores VERY fit – due to you getting out and running a lot.  🙂

I do hope that you can be aware of when the brief periods of happiness happen and that you’re able to enjoy some different parts of your holiday.

The living out of a suitcase can be an issue, but it can also be a case of not having to ‘unload’ or ‘unpack’ everything all of the time, so you can hopefully somehow just pick out a few items and use those.  That way you don’t have to unload and scatter everything (or is that what a bloke does?) and then at the end of that, you have to then get it all together again and packed up.

The camera and photo suggestion by Mrs Dools was a good one I thought – and so snap away as much as you can;   especially these days with how they are, the more shots taken, well who cares, cause if one or twenty of them don’t turn out, just delete them and move on.   I know my partner and daughter would most evenings (if time allowed) would upload (or download, not sure which) the photos taken from that day into a folder on the laptop, or whatever piece of technology they took with them – so that ‘might’ be something you could do also;  to while away some time of an evening?

Or you also suggested your diary that you have – that could be another possible ‘escape’ mechanism where you can slide away from whatever might be happening, as you need to update your  ‘blog’ or whatever.

I guess that’s just me thinking aloud here.  I know I know, I possibly shouldn’t do that – well not that AND type at the same time, as it can have embarrassing effects for all concerned;  the author and the reader.  Sorry about that.  🙂  😉

Ps:  just to let you know, that by the end of the coming week we’re going to be experiencing temps of around the 30 degree mark – oh boy, I cannot wait.  🙂

Kind regards

Neil

ps:  I note your pic that you have now - did you pick that up somewhere in England??  🙂

[Guest_2350]

Dear Mrs. Dools & Neil,

there will be 2 posts. I wrote too much.

 Greetings from Rome. We sure are travelling a lot and I am looking forward to my last European flight tomorrow - then we are living out of the car again.

 I have left my husband and daughter in bed this morning and we are only meeting the rest of our friends in the afternoon so I thought I will have a quiet coffee and breakfast on my own - something very rare these days. 

I am grateful my daughter is here, she just cuddles me and makes me feel so fuzzy inside that I forget the world for a moment. She has grown into an amazing woman and will be a mother for the first time soon, but she is still my little baby. I have missed her so much! 

My strategies do not really work? I prioritise sleep, which is great and I sleep much more than at home. My first challenge of the day is taking my meds for my head, which I have to take with food - my stomach is so bad I cannot risk it without - so the times vary a bit. I feel shaky when I take them late, and I am not sure if this is all in my head as I have only started the meds a few weeks ago... My running is pretty much non existent. Once the sun came back I went for a run and hurt my hip - so bad that I could barely walk. I think it comes from my back. I have not got access to my team of chiro, physio, massage so I am trying to treat it with rest and gentle movement and meds. So now I feel like a walking meds cabinet... Eating in Italy is a major frustration. Gluten and lactose free is difficult to find, coupling this with feeding a large group... I just watch them eat all the things I loved to eat... I am also upset with my psych... And I am getting a cold now... I guess at times I spend a little too much time feeling sorry for myself..

[Guest_2350]

Part 2

But to be honest I am coping reasonably well. I have had no major mood drops or anxiety attacks although we have been in large crowds. It helps when my husband is there as he does shield me when I get upset - he has always known me with anxiety of enclosed rooms and crowds. My mood has cycled a few times and I remove myself when things get bad. I do a lot of breathing exercises and use my worry book when situations are tense. I remind myself that I have been in worse situations - I guess it helps that I have actually travelled a lot in my life time. I struggle with tension between people and try to remind myself that this too shall pass. I try to remove myself from the situation. I try to focus on the fact that I am not threatened. I am trying to practice this as much as I can as I am going to the places next where all of my trauma has happened. And I am not prepared. I am worried and scared about the feelings that will surface. I have had a lot of feelings bubbling up and there is a lot of anger and hopelessness and sadness and hate... I am trying to build up my walls and bottle up these feelings - I hope it is enough. I cannot face my demons without help. We are entering lands my husband does not know about. I think this is the reason why I feel so disconnected most times and as if I watch from another place. I do not actually want to be present when things start surfacing. I scared myself a few weeks back when still in Australia, I don't want to go back into that state of mind. 

 I really want to share my travels with you and am so sorry to be blubbering on about the dark sides, but I have no one else to tell, so thank you for listening. But I want to finish on some nice tales. I try to write in my gratitude journal every day. 

I went to Tintagel castle in North Cornwall the first time and I loved seeing the ruins and running up all the stairs and standing in the wind! It was very special to me as I read many books about Tintagel in my youth and always wanted to see it! 

Now I am sitting on a roof top terrace in Rome, sipping Italian coffee and having the colosseum in view. I went to visit the Colosseum yesterday and am amazed! As an engineer these structures are so special to view and I marvel in the excellence of their  engineers & building techniques all these centuries ago - actually millennia!

Hope you are well and looking after yourself! 

PS: Neil, my profile pic is me trying to paint happy colours and prevent the clown from crying. 

[Doolhof]

Hi Yggy and Neil,

It sounds to me like you are coping well without all of your usual supports Yggy! It is difficult when you are experiencing such emotions when you are on holidays without your general care people being there with you. I know what it is like to struggle and try to find ways to keep going.

It is frustrating when the usual coping mechanisms don't work well. I suppose in a different environment it is not always conducive to receiving good results.

You mentioned entering an area where there was turmoil in the past, am I right in thinking that? I sometimes find that the time leading up to a confrontation is usually worse than the actual event in the end. I don't know if you experience life that way. It is like my mind tells me a hundred different scenarios of what could go wrong and there is not room for any positive thoughts to squeeze in amongst the negativity.

Lately I a have been trying to listen to what my mind is saying and to think rationally about the thoughts that come along.

Yes, it is hard to keep to dietary needs in some countries. We travelled with vegetarians in China and they found that a little difficult, only because the people in the restaurant didn't understand their request. Sometimes all of us in the group ended up having vegetarian food as well.

One place we went to, (without the vegetarians)no one spoke English so we were ordering food with sounds like moo, cluck, quack and so on and shaking our head with frowns while making noises of dogs and monkeys for example. We had a very delicious meal. The waiters came out and went moo or cluck as they presented the food. It was hilarious. We had a crowd of restaurant staff and other dining guests around us.

My husband even went behind the counter and picked out the beers he wanted to drink. It was a wonderful experience.

Just on Rome, when we were there, I wanted to gather up all of the remnants of old buildings and put them in a neat pile somewhere! Ha. Ha. Or at least stack up the old pillars so they looked like something other than a construction site. That was my OCD working overtime, like needing to straighten up the greeting cards at the newsagent. Ha. Ha.

I'm hoping your demons take flight so you can greater appreciate your days.

Hugs from Mrs. Dools

[Neil_1]

Dear Yggy (in Rome)

Really awesome to hear back from you.  It’s actually brilliant reading your messages and where you are in the world at the moment – much better as I’ve been to the two places that you’ve.

About your 3rd para in, I read your first 5 words and almost fainted – “I have left my husband …” !!    Fortunately I read on and all was good.  Phew.  🙂

I’m so pleased that you and your daughter have that kind of relationship – it really is a super special thing;  almost too hard to put into words, but it’s an absolute beautiful thing.  You see, words don’t do justice to how special it is.

Just from an outsiders point of view, I don’t think you’re feeling sorry for yourself at all.  You’re simply stating things exactly how they are and because you’re not home, things are accentuated to a massive level for you;  put on top of that, an injury to halt you from doing something that you were going to enjoy doing (running) and that only helps to pile up the frustration for you;  on top of how you’re feeling which isn’t so flash in the first place.

Is it possible to speak to your husband about the upcoming place and to really let him know how much it may affect you?  It might be helpful to have him boned up about this prior to your getting there, so he can be perhaps extra vigilant?

I’m also sorry to read that this next place is likely to cause you so much trauma and grief – but I think it’s good in a way that you’re fully aware of this, and maybe, just maybe, your mind is beating it up to be much more than what it might be for you?  I hope this is the case.

The Colosseum is incredible.  I never get over the fact that even though the cats that hang around there understand English.  I meow to them, and sure enough, they meow back – which is incredible, as they are Italian cats and therefore, how do they understand an English meow??  Sorry, my meds will kick in soon, I promise.

Kind regards

Neil