Daughter of a Narcisstic Mother

[no_one1]

I think I am a daughter of a narcissistic mother. I'm confused and depressed, she's my mother, she birthed me how could I even think like this about her, I am betraying her even just by writing this. I don't want this to be true, please someone tell me I am over reacting, being too sensitive, the same thing I kept getting told my whole life.

So Here's why:

Until a few months I was renting a house off her, to everyone she knew, she made sure she told them that I was a 'loser' and that she bought a house for me to rent and if it wasn't for her kindness and generosity I would've still been homeless or dead.

During the time I was there she tried to evict me once, because she thought I was going to end my relationship with my partner and when we started working things out, she sent out a notice, she rescinded after certain 'conditions' were met. Me and partner were in trouble relationship wise and she knew this, about 6 months later me and my partner reached breaking point. She then sent an eviction notice to my partner and told me she wasn't happy with how things were and that she wasn't evicting me just him and that if we chose to stay together then we could but not while living under the same roof. I told her that if he goes I go, this time she refused to rescind the notice but allowed him to stay, once again providing 'certain conditions' were met, the main one being we had to go from an open relationship to a monogamous one, because their wrong.

For the rest of the time we were there she would remind my partner if he ever disagreed with her that she hadn't rescinded the notice or she didn't have to renew the lease, she did that out of kindness.

When we left nothing was right or good enough, despite at the final inspection she said it was good enough, but then she changed her mind every call there was something else, more money, I gave in and handed over the bond, so I could end the nightmare.

She is image and cleanliness obsessed no matter how clean we kept the house everytime she visited I could feel her eyes examining everything trying to find a speck of dirt so she could let me know, I also believe she regularly went through the house while we were renting.

If I don't wear makeup up when I go out with her she tells me off that I could have at least made an effort and that others will probably think I'm a slob and I need a little pride, too much though and I'll look like a stuck up tart.

This is just the tip of how deep things go there is so much more.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

As the son of a narcissistic mother I sympathise with you. Is your mother a narcissist? - well who knows? but if her behaviour is such that she infringes on your life way too much then you should review your relationship regularly.

There is some hard lessons to make with a narcissist. Never have ties with them- renting her house gives her control, lending money the same and so on. Even if you had to live in a caravan for a while its better than renting off her imo.

manipulation is a strong characteristic of a narcissist. Turning other family members against you, ringing you while at work and demonising you to others which you said she does. But not all these people are narcs. Some just like a bit of control, it all depends on your tolerance to it. Going shopping with her is inviting trouble. If she criticises you about your makeup while shopping then why shop with her? You need to set boundaries.

In my case, I'm 64yo and 10 years ago took my mother out of my life entirely. Going no contact has made my life so much happier. She's turned half my family against me, struck me out of the will, turned my dad against me when he was alive and I suspect she has borderline personality disorder which is ok IF she got treatment- she never did.

It may or may not help you to google the following-

Queen witch hermit waif

Take control of your life, eliminate strings and drop contact amount. It is not your fault that your mother is so controlling. Being a parent does not entitle one to mistreat others.

TonyWK

[Emmen]

Dear no.one,

I'm sorry about the conflict you're feeling with regards to your mother. Your feelings are valid and understandable, and you have a right to feel unhappy because of what she has said and done. I hope you're renting from someone else now, and that the experience has been better for you.

I guess the main thing to remember with a mother who makes you feel this way is, honestly, not to take her words to heart. You can't change her, but you can look out for your own wellbeing. And that means not internalising what she says.

You are capable of making your own decisions on your relationship or whether you wear makeup. If she is the kind of person you can communicate with, you could try calmly explaining to her your decisions, but if she persists in putting you down, don't let her get under your skin. I know this is much easier said than done, especially since she's your mother. Despite her relationship to you, she's making you feel bad (and without reason too), and you don't deserve that.

You are not betraying her by sharing your feelings here. I'm glad you reached out and I hope you feel better having shared what's on your mind.

Kindly,
M