cptsd and fear

[user]

so i have cptsd and i wanna know if anyone else is living like this. i feel like no one is gonna reply but i am desperate. i am fearful and scared all the time. like fearful for my life all day and all life. i am no longer in 'danger' and do not still live with my abusers but I still feel like I am unsafe. Its like being fearful of everything around me at all times. like even if no one is there, I am still looking behind me and chekcinhg everything all the time because I am scared. i also get really bad physical symptoms of the trauma, like vomiting and difficulty breathing. it is not just from time to time my heart is racing and i am scared - it is all the time. It does get worse when i have flashbacks etc but my constant state is fear. How am I supposed to live like this? is this just part of cptsd? 

[Megs14]

I will also look into the myofascial movement- it definitely is something I believe in especially as it ties in with a lot of what I already practice with meditation and use of natural products like incense.

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Megs14,

I’m really glad you have that therapy support. Have you found the EMDR helpful? It’s something my psychologist suggested at one stage but I was a bit scared of it then. I’ve read it is adapted in particular ways for C-ptsd compared with single-incident PTSD.

I have worked with a naturopath as well. I first saw him in 2022 and the first thing he asked me was about my birth and early life. He took the most thorough history over an hour and a half. It’s definitely been beneficial consulting him. It’s got a bit expensive for me to continue at the moment but the last time he did put me onto an enzyme to help break down histamine. I’m on a very strict low histamine diet at the moment and it’s starting to work. My symptoms were at the extreme end but are easing now. It’s really good to know you have overcome it.

I totally agree with you about the links between health conditions and complex trauma. I would say every single chronic health condition I have had stems from early life complex trauma. The one with the most existential threat is an autoimmune liver condition I have which progressively destroys the small intrahepatic bile ducts. I was initially told in 2020 I had about 10 years until my liver would fail. But my liver readings stabilised thanks to the microbiome testing and supplementation from the naturopath. He’s been the only one to really help me with it.

Ultimately, like you, I am working on unlearning the fear response. I have kind of let go of struggling all the time which I think is connected to fear. I am finding myself surrendering more and more, like my body can’t even do the fear anymore because it’s gone way past exhaustion point. And I’m feeling this start to work. The letting go is releasing a lot of the automated fear responses. They haven’t gone away all together, but quite significantly in the last few weeks I’m really noticing a shift.

I really hope you start to feel better soon. Sending you peaceful, kind energy.

ER

[Megs14]

I do get apprehensive trying new techniques but I have total trust in my psychologist and willing to try anything if it works.

I had a meltdown this morning and feel off today unfortunately - feel out of body almost. But I got some things off my chest to my OH so I’m trying to look at that as a positive even if I don’t feel good.

Yes it is SO expensive when it comes to looking after your body and mental health but I figure it works so why would it be cheap. You have to be unhealthy these days for a dr too even look at you and unless you are dying then really your just a number in an appointment book not actually a person. It’s sad that it’s got to this but I’ve had a lot of issues with GP’s and hospital staff misdiagnoses and I am now lucky I have a trusted team. I wish this was the case for everyone.

Thanks once again for your insight.

Its nice to know I’m not alone.

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Megs,

It’s good if you are getting help from EMDR. I think my fear of it is linked to particular past trauma issues in themselves, like the thought of EMDR is itself a trigger for those past experiences. I seem to be ok with approaches like Somatic Experiencing which are not procedural techniques like EMDR but are more kind of intuitive, organic processes that are guided by yourself as the client with the practitioner as a facilitator to help you self-guide, if that makes sense. I feel like I’m in control rather than an external process controlling me. I seem to have an abject fear of being controlled which is nothing to do with my psychologist who I trust but is embedded in past embodied memories of being controlled.

I’m sorry you’re having a difficult day. It’s really hard isn’t it. I’m having a difficult day as well and have just returned to bed with really difficult symptoms in my body. I just couldn’t function anymore.

I’ve had many challenges with GPs and specialists too across decades. The naturopath was so different as he really listened and genuinely worked to problem solve my health issues in collaboration with me. I almost fell off my chair in shock with the amount of help he was actually giving me. He’d show me research and I could send him research articles as well and it was a team effort. So totally different from regular medical encounters. The total cost of it all has gotten too much though and I’m at a stage of having to cut back. I’m having to rely on my own research going forward, but perhaps more fundamentally than anything just listening intuitively to my own body. And my body is just telling me to surrender everything - all my past coping mechanisms, all my striving out of fear. My system has no capacity to struggle anymore. I think it’s only in that letting go that I’m actually going to heal.

I hope your day has gotten better and you’ve started feeling better. I always try to remind myself when feeling awful that I know from past experience I will cycle out of it again. I’m telling myself that at the moment. I hope maybe you can think of something nice you can do for yourself today.

Take care,

ER