cptsd and fear

[user]

so i have cptsd and i wanna know if anyone else is living like this. i feel like no one is gonna reply but i am desperate. i am fearful and scared all the time. like fearful for my life all day and all life. i am no longer in 'danger' and do not still live with my abusers but I still feel like I am unsafe. Its like being fearful of everything around me at all times. like even if no one is there, I am still looking behind me and chekcinhg everything all the time because I am scared. i also get really bad physical symptoms of the trauma, like vomiting and difficulty breathing. it is not just from time to time my heart is racing and i am scared - it is all the time. It does get worse when i have flashbacks etc but my constant state is fear. How am I supposed to live like this? is this just part of cptsd? 

[Eagle Ray]

Hi user,

Yes, I understand the constant fear. It took me a long time to even realise I was in constant fear because it’s all I had known since the beginning of life. I have always been scared to ask for things in shops or basically for help anywhere, scared if people come close to me in public, scared that people may suddenly become aggressive etc. In the past couple of years I’ve worked with a good trauma-informed therapist and it has definitely helped. We have done somatic processing work of particular traumas focussed on starting with the body and that has worked much better for me than focussing on the mind first, as my trauma is deeply precognitive and non-verbal, if that makes sense. By working with a therapist who is safe, trustworthy and can hold space for those things I have begun to make shifts in my level of fear. A lot of this is learning processes of co-regulation with a safe person who is present with you (what those of us with CPTSD often missed out on as a child). I am then able to start extending this sense of safety a bit out into the world with others. It’s a gradual learning curve. But my body had to feel safe first and do some processing before I could even start to mentally understand and process things. In only my second session with her we processed a particular event that was traumatic for me using a method called somatic experiencing. After that severe breathing difficulties and panic attacks I’d been having began to resolve. I still fall in holes from time to time and get fear attacks, but I am improving overall.

What you describe is really typical in CPTSD. Have you been able to find any therapeutic support? If you can find a good trauma-informed therapist you can get a referral from a GP for up to 10 sessions with a Medicare rebate. If your GP is knowledgeable they may be able to refer you to someone. It is important to find a with a therapist you feel comfortable with. I have found The Blue Knot Foundation really helpful. They deal with CPTSD in particular and have counsellors you can speak to for 45 minutes per week. Sometimes sessions are limited to 30 minutes when busy. Their number is 1300 657 380 from 9-5 daily (eastern states time) and it is free. They may be a helpful resource for you if you get trauma activated and need some support. They focus on safety and stabilisation and really get the kind of trauma symptoms you describe.

Another helpful resource might by psychotherapist Pete Walker who has a website and book focussed on CPTSD. If you look up his website you will see a list of resources on the left including ways of managing flashbacks among other things.

Hope you can feel at least a bit hopeful that things can change and you will not necessarily be so stuck in fear forever. I have found it is an ongoing process working through these things but it is worth it and rewarding when you can see improvements over time.

Take good care and I hope you can find some supports that work well for you. Happy to chat further if it helps,

ER

[Trans22]

I've had psychiatrists say that I've suffered a lot of (mostly childhood) trauma but they've all avoided using "complex trauma" or "CPTSD".  Other mental health professionals haven't been as cautious in relation to my situation.  Hypervigilance is one of the well documented (complex) trauma responses - for me it's related to lacking trust in other people.  Most of my fears come in the form of nightmares that mean I rarely get a decent night of sleep.  A person's mental health will affect their physical health, eventually.  Ring 000 if your vomiting doesn't ease up - it can lead to severe dehydration (I've been there).  Ring 000 if you are having difficulty breathing or your heart is racing - paramedics and ED doctors take both very seriously (based on personal experiences).  Don't let the person/people who inflicted the trauma on you win, continue to live in spite of them.

[hello_mae]

i have cptsd too and completely get this.

something i found helpful was creating space for the inquisitive parts of me to learn about what happens to the bodymind, and being able to teach that to other parts.

the human memory (the storage of every nanosecond of experience since we were born) is mostly subconscious implicit memory, which is wordless and associated with how we feel (sensory, emotions, somatics) and move. Explicit memory (e.g. "I went to this place yesterday and it was fun.") is about communicating and making sense of things to ourselves and others, but implicit memory, which is what aids in creating your current experiences, is about automatically projecting to help us navigate present and potential moments. A lot of the time, it's really helpful - coming face to face with a door and knowing both what it is and how to navigate the situation (do you knock? turn the doorknob to open it?) is a really common example of our implicit memory at work - but when we've experienced trauma and unfulfilled attachment needs, it can lead to a lot of health issues. it learned such extreme survival responses, which are brilliant and what kept us alive!!!, but it doesn't understand that we're safe enough now.

all this to say, yes, it's a normal part of cptsd, and as you learn to live with it over the years, it may change in ways you never could've imagined.

in terms of a practical "how am i supposed to live like this?", some things i've utilised (i've been actively healing since late 2020) have been:

• learning about and practising dbt skills (i've personally found the dbt workbook by sonny jane wise to be much better than others because it actively accepts neurodivergences)
• using an app like "finch" so i had an external motivation for looking after myself and learning healthier skills well before my internal motivation could develop
• practising janina fisher's "five steps to unblending" and providing these parts of me with what they need and (safely, morally, reasonably) want. with me, for fear, that's included creating time and space for rest and relaxation, and buying things that are soothing for my senses, such as a scented lotion or soft blanket

i hope you don't mind me saying, but i'm really proud of you. reaching out is so hard with such intense fear, and you did it. i hope you can feel proud of yourself too.

[Grimfeelings]

I am afraid all the time, some times panic attacks but mostly a constant fear of the worse things occurring in any situation.

I feel you.

Its terrible. Recently the constant fear has really started to mess with my life.

I hope we both can feel safe soon

[Grimfeelings]

Thanks for this, I also need those resources.

[Grimfeelings]

Wow thanks for these resources, i am in need of them also

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Grimfeelings, hello_mae, Trans22 and user,

Grimfeelings, I have found sometimes it gets a bit worse before it gets better. It’s like fears are trying to work their way out and be resolved. I’ve found too if I’ve been in a chronic fear state, by body passes through fight-or-flight before rebalancing and that can bring up a lot of fear. I think the important thing is if you can be held in that place of fear, such as with a good therapist, it can help the fears to resolve and the bodymind to know it’s safe. I think what can be so hard with C-PTSD is we may not have really known safety in the past, so the bodymind is trying to even know what that is. I’ve had a few glimpses of it over the past couple of years, so I know now it is possible to not be so constantly impacted by fear and that it is possible to breathe easy, so to speak.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts and resources too Trans22 and hello_mae. Somehow I think I missed these posts before and just seeing them now. It helps me to hear different people’s experiences and strategies.

Sending you all much love and support,

Eagle Ray

[user]

hi Eagle Ray. i  have only just gotten to reply to your previous post and now this one. thank you so much for your response, i really feel heard. you seem to know a lot about this sort of thing so thanks for sharing. 

[user]

thanks for replying. at least we can find some comfort in knowing that we both feel this way. i really hope we both feel okay soon.