Coping with past sexual assault, emotional neglect as a child, think I have a porn addiction

[OrangeBeam]

Hi, new to beyond blue.
Not sure where else to turn to.
Some events in my life lately have made me realise some things that happened to me as a child and as a teenager that are deeply affecting my now in my late twenties.
I am so ashamed of this but if I am honest with myself I believe I may have an addiction to viewing pornography. I believe it to be an addiction because it has gone on for years, and I want to stop and can’t. I tell myself I have it under control, but continue despite not even wanting to do it anymore. I think it is linked to the sexual assault I experienced at the hands of a stranger and other compounding events in my life.. idk.
I guess I just hope that someone sees this and responds so I can know maybe I’m not alone? Or the only one with this problem. I know in some ways porn can be normal and actually okay, but it doesn’t feel normal or healthy when I really pull it apart and analyse it for myself. I can’t bring myself to talk about it but I really want help for it, so maybe this is a good place to start. I feel so ashamed of it and like everyone will look at me differently.
I feel so alone in my life right now. I want to have a healthy mindset, healthy coping mechanisms with my pain and my trauma. I want to not feel so much shame around this. It’s kind of like, well the rape is something that happened to me, but the porn thing is my choice and my actions and it’s dirty and not okay. The way that I have been raised and the people that surround me don’t talk about sex let alone porn or anything along those lines, so how could I even get started with porn myself? I know that’s what they will wonder if anyone found out and I know I will be looked at differently.
idk if anyone can help me understand why I might be having this problem, if it is or isn’t linked to my assault and idk just where I could start in getting help. I do have a therapist but I don’t feel comfortable talking about this and asking for help with it. But I need help. I want to stop. I want to be normal. I want to feel normal.

[OrangeBeam]

Hi GimZin, I’m really glad to hear you don’t have that shame anymore.
I think maybe that could be a place for me to start yeah.

[Pauliie]

Hi Orange beam, I'm responding because we share a very similar experience. I've been addicted for 20 odd years. I've recently started losing friends because I was careless and out of control with my thoughts and scenarios with porn and needing validation and in the process I exposed my problems to the internet world where others have accessed and used it to ruin my reputation. Recently I've started seeing a therapist and I'm excited to get my life back. This will take time and many slip ups. I hope you find the courage you need to stop and seek help 

P.G

[tmas]

Just want to reassure you that porn addiction is actually very common, so you aren't alone. Like any addiction, it can be triggered by negative emotions or stressors, and can feel habitual. Maybe you're in a similar boat, I had a friend with a similar issue (porn addiction, I've actually had several friends with this issue) and they even said it was emotionless, detached from sex, and often left them feeling unfulfilled or sometimes even disgusted; but they were compelled to do it and at some point along the road a fun, sneaky occasional habit became a daily ritual. Religious conservatism and avoidance of sex also compound the shame and stigma. Porn is so pervasive in our culture - I was raised catholic and by the end of primary school (think 2011-12) basically all of my peers, me included, had encountered it online (I cried and prayed after, and never told a soul). I can't really judge whether this is related to assault, though addiction doesn't have to be conflated with the specific root of negative habits, sexual stimulation (physical and psychological) are hugely "rewarding" in a biological sense - I have OCD and also know that the compulsions and addictive behaviours intensify around trauma-related triggers, even if the trigger and behaviour seem completely unrelated, because the behaviour is a redirect of energy, or a soothing mechanism.

I also want to assure you that any psychologist worth their salt will hear you out and help you on this one. Re-training the brain through any addiction is hard on your own, and a professional would be an enormous asset. Make sure you're comfortable with this therapist, obviously, but no therapist should ever make you feel ashamed. Maybe explain to them the shame you're feeling around certain topics that you avoid raising with them - they might be able to reassure you about client confidentiality and that the therapy space is free of judgement. They should treat it like any other issue you may have, and sex is not off the table. I avoided talk of sex but even I had to bring it up eventually (with a male therapist in his 60s... it went down completely fine and the conversation was helpful in the end). Even if you talk in metaphor, maybe they can give you a perspective.