Constantly feel like a character

[Owlingo]

Whenever smth would happen in my life, I would catch myself acting like I'm in a story. I feel like I'm constantly acting. I don't know who I am and how I really feel about things. 

I recently got diagnosed with severe anxiety and depression. And I'm afraid I'm going to make this my whole "life story" instead of just living life like everyone else. I'm afraid itll become my whole personality and I'll just self sabtoage for this story my brain is making up. 

I tend to self sabotage when things go well because I think I'm supposed to live a sad life because that's the story I made in my head. Why can I not just be happy and get better without feeling like smth is off?

I cant imagine myself getting better. I just see myself suffering and trying to get better, but will always be sad. Like I live in those sad stories where I'm destined to be unhappy and everyone feels bad. 

It sounds so childish and attention seeking but i can't stop. My anxiety and depression I know are real. They are smth I can't control and they are the only time I actually know what's happening with me. But when I'm feeling okay, I don't know who I am, or what I like, what I want to do or how to just exist. 

I still have trauma to heal from, learn to cope with anxiety and depression, finding a purpose in my life and overcoming many many fears.

Can someone explain what this is or tell me if this is normal? 

[CheaB]

Hi Owlingo,

Thank you for sharing, always remember that the support of our community is always with you.

I am really sorry that you are going through such a challenging time and want to reassure you that things will get better. Everything that you are feeling is absolutely normal and it is important that you try to be as kind to yourself as possible. Please allow yourself to experience these emotions and feelings.

I would definitely recommend seeing a psychologist to further discuss your emotions and recognise coping strategies for you to take care of your mental wellbeing. Seeing a mental health professional does wonders and allows you to understand yourself better. It is crucial that you remember that you will come out of this with the help of support around you and that you will flourish in life. Furthermore, speaking to your loved ones and journalling can assist you in overcoming these emotions.

I hope this helps!

Take care,

Sarea.

[therising]

Hi Owlingo

I feel so deeply for you while you struggle with the incredible challenges that come with anxiety, depression and so much questioning that relates to the torturous question 'Who am I?'.

I'm not sure if the following is in anyway relatable to how you're experiencing yourself but I'll throw it out there just in case it could make some difference. If there are multiple facets that make up who we are, such as the adventurer in us, the sage in us, the warrior (with a 'take no prisoners' attitude), the saboteur, the people pleaser, the analyst, the wonderer (that thrives on a sense of wonder) and so on, once we pull all those facets out, it kind of appears as an old style wagon wheel. There's our core sense of self as the hub of the wheel and the different facets all stemming from that as the spokes, if you can picture it. The outer part of the wheel encompasses it all. So, if I was to channel one of those spokes, such as the people pleaser, I would act as or behave as the people pleaser. All my actions, all my words, all my thoughts and all my feelings would reflect I'm working with the people pleaser in me. Even my inner dialogue would reflect I'm working with the people pleaser in me, 'You're a terrible person if you don't help your friend'. I could take any facet of myself and they'd all lead me to act, think and feel differently. The thing is, I'm not the people pleaser, the people pleaser is a part of me. Whether a philosophical question or a psychological one, 'What is the central part of who I am, that all these things stem from?' Plenty of people have different theories. Whether our core sense of self is ego related or soul related or a bit of both, who knows. That's a whole other topic.😁

Lot's of questions can relate to this overall idea. What/who triggers different facets in me to life? How to consciously channel or tap into a certain facet when I need it most? How to get a couple to work together at the same time (such as the sage and the warrior)? How to stop inner battles taking place between 2 or more? Lots of questions. A highly unusual meditation can involve imagining chatting with different aspects of self. It's like if I was to tap into the saboteur in me and ask why it doesn't allow me to take productive risks, what may come to mind is 'Nothing can go wrong if you don't take that risk'. The question in this case may be 'Is this really some saboteur or some sort of fearful protector in me?'. Personally, I'm a multifaceted gal and I find whenever I come face to face with a whole new deeply depressing challenge, it typically signifies a new facet is on the verge of coming to life. The depressing 'labour pains' can feel unbearable.

[divine_inner_goddess]

Owlingo, 

Thank you for sharing a bit about your story and how you are feeling about yourself at the moment. 

I just wanted to say that I can very much relate to your comment about catching myself acting like I'm in a story. I am not sure about "normal", but I can definitely relate to feeling like I am a character in a play or a movie. I have been diagnosed with complex PTSD, depression and anxiety, and I have been on an intense recovery journey lately. As I am healing the trauma, I am wondering more and more, who am I? It's like a suit of armour that I have been wearing to protect myself from harm in my childhood, is now dropping away. And it is like I have been wearing a mask all day every day, and now that I am healing, I can take that mask off. But, who is underneath the mask?? For me, it feels weird and very vulnerable. Like I am a deer (I am thinking of Bambi) that has just been born and is all wobbly on its legs trying to stand up. Although it feels vulnerable, I also try to embrace the opportunity of exploring this new, more authentic me  - who I am, what I like, what my opinions are about things, who I want to hang out with, what brings me joy, what I don't want etc etc. It's like I am getting to know myself for the first time in my life! That might sound a bit 'woo woo', but I just wanted to reach out and let you know that you are not alone. 

take care of yourself, 

dig