Confronting emotionally abusive ex-husband

[ReeCar123]

Hello,

I would like some advice on why I might be feeling as I am feeling. I left my marriage 3 years ago and see it as 'finally getting out'. It was never an easy relationship and over 10 years, there were regular destructive patterns. Every year, my husband would spiral down into a deep depression-like mode of being and usually it would end up with me taking the brunt of it. I believe that we had an unhealthy anxious-avoidant relationship with him tending towards dismissive avoidance and me being anxiously attached. Every year, he threatened me with abandonment, either by telling me to get out or saying that he had the divorce papers ready, even only months after our wedding. He threatened to cut me off from our bank account, told me he would rip me apart in counselling, called me a little girl who wouldn't be able to look after herself, gaslit me when he started an emotional affair with a co-worker, threatened suicide and told me that I was the cause for his trauma. When I moved out, I felt incredible relief and never looked back. It was very hard to get to that point where I had enough pain to leave, especially because I thought I loved him and the good times were deceiving. I have since seen a psychologist who assisted me in understanding that a lot of this behaviour could be considered emotional abuse / coercive control through emotional control.

I am currently not having a great time due to other reasons and I have, over the past months, realised how much this marriage aggravated my attachment concerns, especially my tendency to put others' needs forward and suppress mine, be hyper-vigilant to read the room for negative emotional responses and strongly fear abandonment and rejection. So today, I chose to confront my ex-husband by sending him an email letting him know that I want all subtle contact to end (he still gave me cards and occasionally messaged, which I did not really care for). I also told him the reason and gave him several examples which I started with "it is not ok to..." and then the example of what he did. I blocked him on all avenues because he tried to spam me with a response via FB, text, Whatsapp..I am safe.

Initially, I felt great and like I finally released this. But right now, I feel as if I did something wrong. I do not understand that feeling because I think I had the right to say what was not ok for me and I have the right to block a person from my life. Can someone please help me understand? Is this learned behaviour?

[smallwolf]

Maybe instead of saying wrong, perhaps you feel uncomfortable?

It sounds to me like you have or are defining boundaries for what you consider acceptable. This is a good thing. Brene Brown was talking with someone in a podcast and on boundaries and said that enforcing a boundary can be difficult especially the first times you use it.

Perhaps an alternative way of looking at this situation is ... How would you feel if you did not say what you did ? Ie no change.

And good on you for taking a stance.

Listening to you

[Croix]

Dear ReeCar123~

First off I think it showed a great deal of resolution -and ability - to leave,  You knew it was toxic, but many, even when they know that they still are unable to separate (for all sorts of reasons, some very valid) .

Now when you hare having pressure from other areas it is only natural to look back and see the injuries done you. It is a short step from there to want to let the abuser know the harm they have done and your wishing to have no contact at all is final.

In  the short term I'm not surprised you felt good, you had let him know of the harm, which you were certainly entitled to do,  and you had severed his efforts to make contact.

I wonder if you might have felt better just to block him and leave it at that. By going further and talking about his actions you were in a way opening up a channel to him, which is exactly what you did not want. You let hm back in your life - if only for a brief moment -  to tell him of his offenses - and maybe that fleeting contact has not  been good for you.

If you can , no matter what your feelings now, you know you will have absolutely no contact with him permanently perhaps it will help

Do you think this is a possibility?

Croix

[Pumpkinella]

Hi ReeCar123's,

Thanks so much for sharing. Reading your post was like reading about my life - but in my case it was my father.

I completely understand the tendencies you have to look for negative responses in other peoples faces, put needs before your own - these are all things I do as well. I feel like over the 15 years with my father in his condition, I learned to be always on the look out for fear I had upset people - it wasn't even really conscious it was very automatic. I think for us, it is a consequence of the emotional abuse and it just takes some time to unlearn these things. But you can definitely unlearn them. Are you seeing a psychologist at the moment?

I also understand the cathartic need to list all the things he did to me. I did the same with my father and I also did it before stopping all communication with him. Its a way to have yourself heard and recognised because a part of the emotional abuse is to deny its existence to deny what happened to you. For me it helped.

I haven't spoken to my father in 5 years and I have no intention of seeing him again because as you know, even a small amount of contact keeps you down and it stops you from being able to move on. Also you can easily end up back there because they can guilt you into it.

So I think its a really strong, necessary move to end all communication. Its hard for us to do because it feels extreme and again we are used to putting them first and not considering what WE NEED. So you may find that you need to keep reminding yourself why you are doing this, how much better you feel now, and how much you deserve your life! and do NOT deserve what he did to you.

Stay strong and I just think you are amazing. I know how tough it can be and I think youre doing the right thing and are a very resilient person.

I am here to chat more if you want to share any other of your thoughts and experiences.

[Pumpkinella]

Hi ReeCar123,

Sorry I forgot to say that feeling bad for blocking him is part just normal - people don't generally love the experience of blocking another person, but in my opinion the feeling may be stronger because of learned behaviour. You have spend a lot of time considering his needs before your own and being abused by him - doing what is right for you while completely shutting him out is the absolute reverse. So its going to feel uncomfortable and you are going to feel guilty because guilt is a huge part of emotional abuse. I went through the exact same thing when I cut all communication with my father (changing phone numbers and everything).

But as I said earlier I think you are doing the right thing and just reminding yourself why you need to do this - remembering what it was like, and how important your freedom is now, can help with feelings of guilt. For me, I also thought about what it would be accomplishing to speak to my father again. Nothing. He would go on being abusive and I would go on being abused. How is that helping anyone? Better to move on even with feelings of guilt.

I also saw a psychologist to help me through this I am wondering if you have been able to see anyone about this? or feel like you want to?

Warmly

Pumps