Complex PTSD

[Mara56]

Hi, I'm new to this. I have complex PTSD as a result of multiple traumas including childhood sexual abuse, physical, mental & emotional abuse. My father was a violent alcoholic, mother psychologically disturbed, I was raped at 19, my first husband narcissistic, highly manipulative, controlling, possessive, emotionally, mentally abusive, controlled finances, also an alcoholic and eventually threatened violence. Second husband had depression and I believe PTSD. I carried the relationship emotionally and financially until it took a toll on my mental health. I've seen many counsellors over the years, some caused more damage because despite me telling them about my history they never connected that I had PTSD. Finally found a psychologist I could work with and after several years I got to an ok place, where I could coexist with the flashbacks without them overwhelming me. Then my son died, I worked so hard to give my children a happy, healthy childhood, losing my precious boy has devastated me in ways I can never adequately express. 6 years later I met another man, for most part a good man and things were ok until I started having problems with my health. I've had multiple surgeries, too many to count. The last surgery, was horrific. The treatment I received in hospital triggered so much stuff from my past. When I've dealt with trauma in the past, I have had the benefit of compartmentalisation, as a result of what happened to me in hospital, I seem to have lost the ability to compartmentalise. The past 16 months have been a nightmare. My anxiety is through the roof, and the lows have been frightening at times. I have gone back to regular sessions. But as I've dealt with most of my past, except for my father, I have blocked out a lot of my memories around him. I am starting to wonder whether I need to just accept that this is me, I have complex PTSD and that anxiety, flashbacks, depression, insomnia are all part of it. But when I think that there is nothing I can do to change it.......... I go to a very dark place. I have told very few people in my life that I have PTSD and only a handful of people know about my past. I am conscious it's a lot for people to get their heads around. I'm hoping to connect with other people with PTSD, I feel very alone in it sometimes and I'm interested to hear how other people manage their PTSD. Many thanks

[ecomama]

Dear Mara

Yes, indeed we ARE 2 peas with no pods lol. Freedom from the ropes that tie us emotionally to the trauma is my hope for us.

I completely understand your feelings about your psych. I hope for the same soon!

If you call a local Women's Health Centre, they may have the Course running. If you may trigger from a group setting, they can run the Course in a 1:1 setting. A group may not be the right thing for you, I leave your intuition to guide you, clearly it gets stronger all the time.

I struggle with posts of too recent events in my own life. Avoiding potential triggers is a justifiable strategy. I'm probably my own worst enemy with this, my counsellor said I'm more into immersion therapy. I may have overloaded myself this way. I need to put the brakes on in some other topics for a while.

We are adding to our 'snap' list at an incredible pace lol. All the quotes you use... I sense we have read similar texts. I have had so many of these sayings put up with blutack all over the house. I have the Full Restoration Prayer up and tell everyone who goes to the toilet to read it whether they believe in God or not lol. It's the only reading material in the throne room. No choice really.

And the therapies lol. snap.

I found the hypnotherapist's pain relief suggestions have been a Godsend for c30y. My eldest daughter said there is ancient wisdom in this, how it stimulates this hormone or that already in our bodies... she names them like saying her ABCs. I can never remember her medical terminology. The funny thing is that I was pregnant with this daughter when I had the hypnotherapy lol!

I also had so much meditation training back then and quite a bit since. One monk in particular was tuned into a mother's life and taught us to meditate whilst washing the dishes! And by habit I still do. I'm working on meditating whilst gardening.
My new gardener is a great distraction though, I dare not try to meditate and block him out whilst gardening.

There's a difficult situation I have to deal with later, so I'll leave it till later.

Bed time, nighty night. Sleep well.
Love EM

[Guest_1643]

Dear Mara,

Firstly thanks for sharing your journey. You have a lot of insight. It sounds like your new therapist is experienced, well-regarded in the industry (if he trains others) and makes you feel comfortable - happy for you that you have such a person in your life.

I have also found that so many therapists/gps ignore and fail to accurately diagnose or understand PTSD or trauma.

I can understand what you're saying about the group therapy - being triggered can be okay if they work through it safely, but if they don't, it would have been very hard. I, like you, found group therapy not helpful for my PTSD, but I did find sharing with others in different settings very helpful, like meeting people during my hospital stay and hearing their stories. Maybe it is the intensity of the experience - if you are in a group and people are sharing their hardest and most graphic stories, over and over, that is very intense. But places like here, or when I was in hospital - we are more ccareful not to trigger others, take personal responsibility for that, and also we can have lighter chats too.

So great to hear more about you and how you're doing. Keep well and always lovely to hear from you

[Mara56]

Dear Sleepy21,

I agree with you, it is good to be able to chat with other people who understand what your going through. Group therapy for me was exactly as you described, way too intense. It was trauma in itself. My psychologist is appalled at some of things that happened, and were said to me in that group. I tried a CBT group years later and found I had the same experience. I remember one person actually judging me. You are so right about GPs and many therapists not being sufficiently trained, or accurately diagnose PTSD. The first GP I saw thought I was Bipolar. It was actually me who worked out I had PTSD. I can't tell you how many therapists I had seen beforehand, I lost count. Long story short, I worked in an affiliate health industry. A local Dr was seeing a lot of ex-servicemen with PTSD so he started sending them to me. Around that time I was doing extra study and one of the units required to do a research project. Because I was treating all these people with PTSD I thought it would be good topic for me to do. As soon as I started the research, I was shaken to the core as I recognised all the symptoms. I was seeing a psychologist at the time, so at the next appointment I told her about my reaction and I asked her, "Do I have PTSD?" She said "I believe so, but yours is complex because of the multiple traumas." I sat there dumbstruck. It would have been really useful to have had that information years earlier. It still angers me that I had to work it out for myself.

Getting back to the group therapy. I can't see myself, putting myself in a group situation again. The flashbacks are debilitating and I am protective of myself. I know that group settings work for a lot people but I like you feel more comfortable with either one on one or very small groups.

Thank you for replying to my previous posts. It helps heaps being able to talk to someone who understands. It's always lovely to hear from you too.

Take care

Mara

[Mara56]

Hi Em,

Lovely to hear from you, as always.

Definitely agree about wishing freedom from the ropes that tie us emotionally to our past traumas.

I have slotted the information you have given me away regarding the Women's Health Centre. I will ponder it a bit more before I contact them. I am making such good inroads with my psychologist at the minute, I feel that very soon I'll be able to deal with the violence I grew up in. That has been the hardest for me to face but I can feel I am very close to being ready to deal with it.

Truly hope you do have the connection with your new therapist that I have with mine. Mine has been practicing for approx 45 years. He has worked in sexual assault services, in hospital settings, and many areas. He has been training therapists for a number of years now, and is recognised in several overseas countries. In fact he has people coming from Europe to train with him. I was so lucky to find him. I have my ex-husband to thank for that. I've been married twice before. First was a DV nightmare. Second a different kind of nightmare. When we were having problems I wanted us to see someone. He insisted he chose the therapist and he chose the one I currently see. At our first session I knew he was the one. I felt he saw me and he could hear my pain. I've been seeing him ever since.

I like you was into immersion therapy it took years for me to realise that it was a trauma in itself. I'm a lot more protective now.

I use to have posters all over my house. Then I met husband no 3, I got it right this time, LOL. Long story short, the house we currently own doesn't have enough free wall to hang to many things. Hopefully my next house will.

Another snap, I have done heaps of meditation training. I am currently getting back into it. When my PTSD got triggered 18 months ago I couldn't focus to do it but in the past fortnight I am back into it.

I smiled when I read the bit about your gardening. I had an amazing garden two houses ago. It took a lot of work but it was beautiful. My biggest regret is I didn't take photos of it. I don't know why I didn't I was probably too busy working.

It has been so lovely connecting with you Em. I am grateful for that connection.

Love

Mara

[ecomama]

Dear Mara, so nice connecting with you too. xxxx

I'm so happy you've found your pscyh. It can be such a long road to get there. I had one session with an amazing person & felt incredible after that 1 session. He was going to another position straight after that, in the days before anyone mentioning PTSD.

It was bound to happen that something we did was opposite lol & I'm glad for those differences too. You said you had to work it out for yourself that you had PTSD? I was in denial regardless of how many qualified people told me. I heard it so often and yeah... the "comment" disappeared. I write comment & laugh because it wasn't a freaking comment, it was a diagnosis.

A fog around my head, not letting the reality or the gravity of it anywhere near my full understanding. I was at the beginning of battles I had yet to experience but I could feel 'something' bad was about to happen. It was a very confusing time for me. The most confused I've ever been. No time for trauma specialists, no time for anything but to prepare for the biggest & longest set of battles no one could've imagined.

My dreams were predictions & all SPOT ON.

I know I need someone to directly say things to me. But more.... years ago when I was reading full disclosure documents the other party had subpoenaed, mainly as an attack on me but it totally backfired lol. I read piles of these docs. In them were GP records of the other party (& mine too as those were what were intended to be subpoenaed)..
I saw reports from psychs of all kinds & at the bottom of every report for the other party was a part
Diagnosis: bolded
Thick dark letters that couldn't be ignored. Diagnosis after diagnosis. Woah. So scary what I was up against. I GOT IT.

Luckily, SO luckily, years before this time I had joined an incredible international forum for people experiencing similar marriage difficulties. I followed so many links in these forums and educated myself about personality disorders that related to H. In all honesty my research revealed "mild" personality disorders in comparison to the bolded diagnoses I was seeing in Court docs. But it prepared me & so did police assessments. I could prepare for what was ahead & I paved a path ahead with full consideration of the issues of the other party, know up till then. I did a few other things too which were quite funny and WORKED. Omg so fickle is a persons mind when they are evil personified.

I'm so happy you got the right guy in the end lol. Lovely.
Love EM

[Mara56]

Dear Em,

Yes, I suppose we did have to have some differences. I can understand you not hearing the diagnoses till you saw it in bold text. I couldn't believe that I had many clients with PTSD and I didn't recognise that I had it till I started researching it myself for study. I think sometimes seeing it in black and white, somehow it sinks in more, at least that was my experience.

The fog, I hate fog. Thankfully since I've hit rage, the fog has lifted but when I'm in the fogginess it is so hard to think.

It takes enormous courage to do what you did. To stand up and face your husband in Court. I know how grueling that whole process can be. You are one brave lady that is for sure.

What gets me with my DV husband is how manipulative he is. So many people in our life at that time think he was the victim. He plays that role to the hilt. Even people who knew to some degree what was going on believed him. There are people who absolutely hate me who have never met me. Even my elder sister got sucked in until one day when she was at his home. He had told her I took everything that I had ripped him off financially. It was only as she looked around the house & saw all the furniture that I had bought that the pennies started to drop. She walked out & never spoke to him again. Mind this was years after I had left him. It was only a few months ago I told her some of what he did to me. She was shocked she'd had no idea. It's baffling to me that she hadn't joined the dots when I went into emergency accommodation that she didn't realise something was seriously wrong. It's pretty bad when Centrelink organise emergency accommodation for you. But when you don't tell people which I didn't then people will believe what they want to believe. At least that was my experience at the time. I have to believe that he'll get his karma at some point.

I am so lucky I found my husband, well more to the point he found me. Lol. As I said in reply to your post on the new person thread he parachuted over my walls. I did my very best to place obstacles in the way but he just leaped over them. He knew the minute he met me that he wanted to share his life with me. I just took a little while to catch up. I have to admit I love our story. I believe my DV husband was a result of unresolved trauma, no 2 I tried to rescue, I did that for 17 years until I realised I couldn't save him & he was dragging me under emotionally, my current husband is my reward for all my hard work. I am blessed.

Love

Mara

[ecomama]

Dear Mara

The "fog" yes can we explore that more if you're willing?

I read about it years ago and studied it wherever I could. Apparently partners of serial cheats can have a total fog. Mainly because the cheating partner is fogging us, not with love pfft, with intention. So at base level we have a narcissist leeching off of an empath, in my case the 10x major breadwinner or free atm lol as the kids said etc.

Cunningly done over many years, it can only be worse than a narc IMO. Hence my fog was thicker and harder to shift, let alone realise.

But it lifted, as much as it did. Shocking events in my face began to create a partial fog lifting. But with gaslighting, mind-screwing, manipulation, triangulation etc going on it was crazy foggery lol. Adding in confusion.

Oh and the bad mouthing by a master. Woah boy. They are certainly cunning creatures.
I suffered from parental alienation, he was that manipulative.

Not now. The kids are closer to me than ever before. It was a cruel and unbelievable experience, the lot of it.

OH and I didn't see any diagnoses for me in bold, nope. Many for exH. That demon had manipulated everyone to convince them that I was the offender, even psychologists, GPs, my whole family, my more recent friends, even our mechanic, everyone. He even told me he had the police 'on his side', they appeared to be, so I never phoned them. Until I reported the lot to all sectors. Social isolation of the victim(s) is a major motivator of DV abusers.

Thankfully my old school friends of 40-50y never listened. exH would bail them up anywhere he could and speak utter rubbish about me. It was only after the marriage ended that they spoke up to me. A few recent friends did too. More all the time, like yesterday lol.

The C-PTSD diagnosis was spoken to me by a psych during the Court battles. I was being protected. Then every psych since.

So the fog lifts more as I begin to accept this diagnosis. One recent psych said, "It's more like, how could you NOT have PTSD with everything that's happened? It's a no brainer".
okay it's a no brainer.

I'll be doing meditations on 'acceptance' over my leave and have decided to do some yoga at home too. And gardening 😉

Love EM

[Mara56]

Dear Em,

I can relate to so much of what you said. They are master manipulators. My parents also sided with my ex. My mother berated me and had the gall to tell me that she and my father had some problems but they worked them out. What the .... Given I had to intervene in the violence from a very young age, you can imagine how well I took that. Long story short I had nothing to do with my parents for 3 years, it was the best 3 years of my life. My parents did eventually realise who my ex really was but it took years for my sister, and my brother thinks he walks on water. My ex also had the police on his side as well as one of the major bikie chapters in our area.

Yes social isolation is definitely a stock standard DV ploy. Along with the gaslighting etc. It was bad enough him doing the mind games with me but I hated what he did to my boys. Good on you for reporting the lot to all sectors.

I can appreciate how the diagnosis of CPSTD has taken a while to sink in. My therapist has been telling me for years that what I went through was horrendous. Somehow in my mind I minimised the trauma and due to my compartmentalising everything I’ve never allowed myself to experience the all the trauma as whole. That is until recently. And as your psych said how could we not have PTSD.

It sounds like you have lots of healing activities planned for your break. Relax and enjoy.

Love

Mara

[ecomama]

Dear Mara

So much stuff. It's so impossible to imagine being manipulated into thinking your own child is evil. I'm sorry your family did that.

Walking on water is exactly how they want others to see them.

It's taken years for some to realise in my world. The rest don't really matter at all to me.
I count those as casualties of the DV we experienced end of.

Relax? Well that would be nice 🙂
I just posted a brief summary of the events at our house tonight.
Talk about unexpected triggering tonight.

Getting calmer now. Kids are having showers at almost midnight because the police only just left. All 4 vehicles. No one's hurt here. I didn't call them, they just turned up.

Such is life.

I do have lots planned for my leave lol but your words just made me realise that I haven't scheduled ONE thing for just me ie self-care, oh unless you count the new psych.

I wonder if cafes will be "open" to sit down for lunch. I may have to call a friend to have lunch at least once in 2 months! lol.

I heard one has to phone the local swimming pool to book in? mmm so much bother lol.

I'm going to the Church Food pantry at my church maybe each week, maybe less.
I haven't been to Church for such a long time and that time was a nice connection time during the 'dark ages' I call the Court times.

Clearly it's time for the 'enlightenment' era lol, gosh those police flashlights are powerful, I wonder what brand they are. I digress, I meant about me coming out of denial and into the light. No more new memories in the past 6 days, so that's kinds nice.

Do you ever write notes before your sessions about what to speak to your psych about?

Love EM

[Mara56]

Hi Em,

I do write notes before my session. I can’t trust my memory to remember everything. Especially since I’ve spaced my sessions out.

I’ll have to have a look for your post in relation to tonight’s activity at your house. I hope all is ok? I hope it wasn’t too triggering. Have to admit even I would find it triggering if they turned up in such numbers at my place.

Yes, they definitely like the world to think they walk on water. Sadly they are usually so good at manipulation most people believe them.

I truly hope you’re able to have lunch with a friend during your break. I have to admit I miss being able to do that. Hopefully it won’t be too much longer before the restrictions are lifted.

Sounds like you have a nurturing connection to your Church. I’m sure they’ll appreciate you being involved in the Church pantry.

Lol, love the bit about the flashlights. Excellent analogy in relation to coming into the light.

Always lovely chatting to you.

Take care

Mara