Complex PTSD

[Mara56]

Hi, I'm new to this. I have complex PTSD as a result of multiple traumas including childhood sexual abuse, physical, mental & emotional abuse. My father was a violent alcoholic, mother psychologically disturbed, I was raped at 19, my first husband narcissistic, highly manipulative, controlling, possessive, emotionally, mentally abusive, controlled finances, also an alcoholic and eventually threatened violence. Second husband had depression and I believe PTSD. I carried the relationship emotionally and financially until it took a toll on my mental health. I've seen many counsellors over the years, some caused more damage because despite me telling them about my history they never connected that I had PTSD. Finally found a psychologist I could work with and after several years I got to an ok place, where I could coexist with the flashbacks without them overwhelming me. Then my son died, I worked so hard to give my children a happy, healthy childhood, losing my precious boy has devastated me in ways I can never adequately express. 6 years later I met another man, for most part a good man and things were ok until I started having problems with my health. I've had multiple surgeries, too many to count. The last surgery, was horrific. The treatment I received in hospital triggered so much stuff from my past. When I've dealt with trauma in the past, I have had the benefit of compartmentalisation, as a result of what happened to me in hospital, I seem to have lost the ability to compartmentalise. The past 16 months have been a nightmare. My anxiety is through the roof, and the lows have been frightening at times. I have gone back to regular sessions. But as I've dealt with most of my past, except for my father, I have blocked out a lot of my memories around him. I am starting to wonder whether I need to just accept that this is me, I have complex PTSD and that anxiety, flashbacks, depression, insomnia are all part of it. But when I think that there is nothing I can do to change it.......... I go to a very dark place. I have told very few people in my life that I have PTSD and only a handful of people know about my past. I am conscious it's a lot for people to get their heads around. I'm hoping to connect with other people with PTSD, I feel very alone in it sometimes and I'm interested to hear how other people manage their PTSD. Many thanks

[ecomama]

Mara, seriously, could there be anything more to snap over :=0
SO surprised to read about your hairdo escapades! SNAP.
And the throw out fast / regret afterwards periods. Snap.

I've never tied those things into anything before. I think I need to contribute to your psych appts lol!
I like to come up with funny names, but can't think of any atm. I drained my mind after the easy peasy recipeasies last night lol. Yep started that thread last night!

re: very special hairdos. The day after one pinnacle event, I stomped into a hairdresser's in my black, steel capped boots and asked for a Number 1. I've ALWAYS had long hair. The hairdresser was shocked & tried to talk me out of it. I said NO I want a No. 1, dyed black. She tiptoed away, probably ask for advice on how to deal with me (lol poor thing wasn't a MH Dr). She came back, said she wasn't going to do a No. 1 but a sweet little do blah blah.. repeat request. We settled on a No.3. Black.

I LOVED IT. I wore all black, heavily "masculine" clothes for …. mmmm still do wear them mostly. Light brown suede steel capped boots on right now lol. I think they're my 'just in case' shoes. Over 10y of wearing them EVERY opportunity I can. I had them on with my pjs the other night when the Police were here lol!

Kept the hairdo about 3y. It was a "don't eff with me" one. And I meant to convey that 24/7.

I don't like anyone saying "ohhh you'd look so much better if you...……." I death stare with a look of wanna try and finish that sentence? I don't answer, just walk away.

There's not enough room in BB for me to list my throw out periods. Sadly it was mostly after exH had smashed my most precious things. Hence even the swimming pool was take to with a sledge hammer by ex and NOW I'M turning it into a GREEN HOUSE lol! Oh a great big middle finger to that.

One of my favourite sayings to my children, being organic gardeners, is "What do we do when life gives us ____?" their answer "We turn it into fertilizer!" YEAH. lol.
We are allowed to be sad.
We are allowed to wallow 🙂
We are allowed to share anything and everything. But we don't have to either.
THEN comes a point when we look at the HUGE pile of ____ and pull out every tiny little thread from it about what we learnt. How we can USE it and tbh, we often turn it into rope, drag it out, clean it up. Then watch the pile compost down and plant herbs to eat lol.

We are not only survivors Mara, we're thrivers.

EM

[Mara56]

Lol, definitely peas in a pod!

The number of times I've culled and then searched weeks later for something, is unreal. You'd think I'd learn. I loved your hair story. My disaster was during my last marriage. To say things were not good in the relationship is an understatement. So I went to the hairdresser and had my haircut. First haircut wasn't so bad. But things got worse and home, so 2 weeks later I go back to the hairdresser with my then 8 years old son in tow. I tell HD I want it shorter. She suggested she cut it into a concave style. Might add my hair is on the curly side. My son started begging me not to do it, he said "don't listen to her mummy, it won't suit you" turns out he was right. It looked revolting. Thankfully I don't get too stressed if a haircut doesn't work out, I know it will grow out. That said, I learnt a very valuable lesson that time, I now never get my haircut when I'm in an emotionally low place.

I think your hairdo sounds lovely, and I like your dress style. Me I live in jeans. My psych tried to convince me to wear dresses which I did for a week, it didn't go well. He ended up getting told where to go on that one. I know I don't wear dresses because of the childhood SA and I know that I can wear them if I choose. I choose not to. I also wear a lot of black, even though it's probably not the right colour for me but I find it versatile. I just add a scarf to lift it.

I like your idea re: the pool. Yes definitely a middle finger to the ex.

Great analogy re: the fertilizer. I like it, very similar to my thoughts. Could we be anymore alike.

Yes definitely thrivers. I've never liked being called a victim, even though technically I know that is what I am. I hate labels. I always say these things happened to me but they are not me, I am so much more that that.

Well I'm off to prepare veggies for dinner. Roast lamb tonight, really looking forward to it.

Hope today has been a good one for you.

Love

Mara

[ecomama]

Hi Mara, how was your roast? I made a few things lol. Tell you on other thread.

You know, I wonder where people get off telling others what to wear? It's such a peculiar thing to say to anyone.
Why did your psych want you to wear dresses? I'm stunned at his suggestion tbh.

I wonder how he'd feel if you asked him to wear SHORTS more often.

Why does a person's dress code need to be "corrected" to a pattern of "social norms"? I'm quite perplexed.
I find men do it a lot to women. If any man tries that stuff on me in the future, I'm gonna say straight back, the same phrasing but to him.

Hair lol... could there be anything less important to worry about than hair. Absolutely it grows out lol.

No, I doubt two people could be more alike and that's very sweet.

Getting to bed soon I hope. My psych gave me homework lol. And a number of attachments to an email apparently. I have to fill them in without thinking too much (I think I already did fill those in for her but...) I'll see tomorrow maybe.

Love EM

[Mara56]

Hi Em,

The roast was delicious. I love a roast. It's been painful because we had our oven cleaned back in Jan before we put the house on the market, so I've been avoiding using it. A month or so ago my DH bought a little oven which is also an airfryer. It's perfect. He puts the meat on the BBQ and I roast the veg in the little oven. So enjoying being able to have a roast again.

The dress thing with the psych was an experiment. He wasn't actually telling me what to wear. What happened was I turned up to an appt in a dress. I only wore it because I was having problems with my stomach and I didn't want to put pressure on it. 16 years I've been seeing my psych and he'd never seen me in a dress. He commented on that. I responded defensively. He suggested as an exercise that I trying wearing a dress for a few days and sense how it felt and what it brought up. He would never tell me what to do it was suggestion and it was about me making choices about what I wanted to wear not based on my trauma, if that makes sense. Because I do take therapy seriously I did it. It did not go well and I told him in no uncertain terms that I do make choices and my choice is to wear jeans. I think it's safe to say we won't be doing that experiment again.

Well I hope today has been a good one for you Em. I'm about to go type in my rocky road recipe on your recipe thread.

Love

Mara

[ecomama]

Dear Mara

Oh thank goodness. I feel better about the dress stuff with your psych.

It's a strange thing, though, NOT making choices because of past trauma. Sometimes I query within myself whether things are "cultural norms" or societal etc.... noting in some countries OCD is NOT a "thing" it's a prized characteristic...

SO given that many people Lock their house, Lock their cars. We began locking our house more as a child after thieves walked in and destroyed property. We kind of started locking our cars more when car theft and other stuff began happening. (Live in a fast growth area and it's gone from "Country" to "CITY" in my short life lol. More people = more prevalence of crime).

Isn't what we ALL do, just to protect ourselves in our everyday lives? IE to prevent future bad events / trauma.
Or in reaction to bad events / trauma that have happened to us, our families, friends or even what people may see or hear on News?

SO SOME things are accepted as the "norm", then why not others?

As my daughters have grown up, they have developed MANY ways to keep themselves safe whilst walking in the middle of the day. Let alone night. Let alone ALONE at night.
This ISN'T a reaction to trauma, it's freaking SENSIBLE.

I don't know about your teen years, but mine were fraught with comments like "You wouldn't want to go out dressed like that at night.... (then the awful part which you probably know).."

Even as a young girl I KNEW that filthy attitude was wrong. As a teen, I gave ANY man who said that to me, including the fathers of my bf etc, my comeback. And it was raw. Exposed them lol. As misogynistic pigs. Might have taken a huge debate lol, few things I bother debating about.

Anyway I digress :-))

Snap. I colour code too lol. I Kon Maried my clothes in the weird period after weird stuff. Still love it though. Now my t-shirts are Kon Maried IN colour coded order. Do you do it like the order of colours in the rainbow? lol. My bf and I do. It's hilarious really. We did this before meeting each other. Match made in heaven lol.

Rocky Road YEAH! We have been waiting for this I tell you now Mara. Thank YOU!

love EM

[Mara56]

Hi Em,

I remember talking to a therapist once about my perfectionism and borderline OCD. He said there was nothing wrong with being a perfectionist. He said if you get in a plane you would hope the pilot was a perfectionist. Likewise he said if your having brain surgery you’d want your surgeon to perfectionist with OCD traits. I felt much better after that.

I like your analogy about protecting our house etc. The thing is after being SA by several men as a child, I made a decision as a teen, as soon as I started work that I was wearing jeans. I felt safer in jeans. The irony is I was wearing jeans the night I was raped, so the safety I felt them was an illusion. And yet I still feel safer in them than a dress. So much of my life, my decisions are determined by my trauma. I have been controlled by fear my whole life. My therapist’s suggestion was about me shaking off the fear and choosing something to wear based on comfort. Maybe one day I’ll get there but till then, I’m wearing jeans.

Your daughters sound like sensible young women. As women we should be able to walk the streets night or day but sadly it’s too dangerous to that. So it’s wise to take precautions for our own protection.

I was raised by a mother who believed it was always the woman’s fault. I won’t go in to the things she said but the tone of the era was that if a woman got assaulted what she was wearing would be raised as the reason for what happened. I know all about the filthy attitude of some men. I wished I’d been able to come back at them the way you did. But by the time I was a teenager, I had been so badly traumatised that I would freeze when those situations presented.

Lol, I had all my clothes colour coded. They still are to some degree but the last few months it’s been enough to get through each day. Once we get out of this house I’ll sort the wardrobe out again. I like all my colours together. You and your BF sound like a match made in heaven, a colour coded match. Lol.

It might take me a day or two to reply to your message on the New Person thread. I honestly have not been in a good place. I really want to reply thoughtfully to your post. So once my head is a little clearer I’ll reply properly. In the meantime I truly hope your daughter is safe. Also hope that you’re travelling ok.

Good luck making the rocky road, it’s yum!

Love

Mara

[ecomama]

Dear Mara

How are you feeling today?

The pressures of selling a home is understated IMO.

I know you've had some intense psych sessions too.

Please don't add pressure to yourself about responding to my stuff. We'll all still be here through and on the other side of your move.

Lots of love EM

[Mara56]

Dear Em,

Sorry I've been AWOL. You are absolutely correct, the pressure of selling the house along with what I've been dealing with in my sessions, well I've been in a dark place.

There is also the added pressure of the easing of restrictions, which hasn't helped. Things have been great with my DH and I while we were in ISO and away from people in his life. It's a long story and I don't want to go into it apart from saying that I'm back to having to deal with them again. And at the moment I don't have the emotional resources to deal with it. DH and I need some sessions together but financially it's just not an option ATM. And my priority at the moment is myself and my MH. As you say oxygen mask on me first.

We had quite a few people through the house on Saturday. One family is coming back at 8.30am tomorrow. Can you hear me groaning....... It's bad enough having strangers in your home and all the work it entails to keep it pristine, without having to have it show home ready at the crack of dawn. I'm not a morning person Lol. Probably doesn't help that I don't sleep most nights. But definitely NOT a morning person. Lol.

I hope things have settled down a bit for you. I'll respond to your other thread next.

Just want to thank you lovely lady, for your care and concern.

Love

Mara

[ecomama]

Dear Mara

Heavens 8:30 A M ? Well I hope it's worth the $5mil price tag lol, just think of it as a $5mil wake up!

Not being able to sleep is a biggie. snap. I've dealt with that a lot, comes and goes now.

I intuit who "they" are as an added issue of restrictions lifting. Nuff said.

I'm really sorry to hear that you've been in a dark place. Not fun. Hang in there. I really do understand how hard it is. HUGE hugs.

So besides cleaning like a banshee again, are you doing anything pleasant for yourself?

Healing vibes sent your way.

Love EM

[Mara56]

Dear Em,

Thank you lovely lady.

I’m hoping and praying that we get a fair offer tomorrow. We’ve had it on the market 6 months now. The stress is really getting to me. I try to be positive about it but I can’t tell you how much I hate strangers being in my home. Hopefully after tomorrow it will be behind us. Fingers crossed.

The sleep will settle once we shift but till then I’m on high alert. Its exhausting but I’ll get there.

Yes ‘they’ thankfully I won’t have to see them now for a couple of weeks. I think I need to live on an island. Lol. All jokes aside, I don’t have toxic people in my life. The downside of being in a relationship is the people that come with it.

The dark place has been terrible. There was a point last week where I didn’t think I could make it......... Flashbacks were terrible, nightmares are back again. Thankfully I have my psych appt Thurs. Been a very long fortnight. I see a GP tomorrow for a referral to the specialist. Specialist is next week. I’ll be better when that’s behind me.

Well I was having long hot baths and meditating whilst in them unfortunately this viewing tomorrow has meant no baths. I have to bath in oil because of my skin issues which are a nightmare at moment. It’s a nightmare to clean so decided they’ll have to wait till after this weekend. I am walking. I walk between 7-10klms every day. I also write and stay in touch with friends. I’ll be ok, just going through a rough patch atm.

Healing vibes to you too.

Love

Mara