Complex PTSD

[Mara56]

Hi, I'm new to this. I have complex PTSD as a result of multiple traumas including childhood sexual abuse, physical, mental & emotional abuse. My father was a violent alcoholic, mother psychologically disturbed, I was raped at 19, my first husband narcissistic, highly manipulative, controlling, possessive, emotionally, mentally abusive, controlled finances, also an alcoholic and eventually threatened violence. Second husband had depression and I believe PTSD. I carried the relationship emotionally and financially until it took a toll on my mental health. I've seen many counsellors over the years, some caused more damage because despite me telling them about my history they never connected that I had PTSD. Finally found a psychologist I could work with and after several years I got to an ok place, where I could coexist with the flashbacks without them overwhelming me. Then my son died, I worked so hard to give my children a happy, healthy childhood, losing my precious boy has devastated me in ways I can never adequately express. 6 years later I met another man, for most part a good man and things were ok until I started having problems with my health. I've had multiple surgeries, too many to count. The last surgery, was horrific. The treatment I received in hospital triggered so much stuff from my past. When I've dealt with trauma in the past, I have had the benefit of compartmentalisation, as a result of what happened to me in hospital, I seem to have lost the ability to compartmentalise. The past 16 months have been a nightmare. My anxiety is through the roof, and the lows have been frightening at times. I have gone back to regular sessions. But as I've dealt with most of my past, except for my father, I have blocked out a lot of my memories around him. I am starting to wonder whether I need to just accept that this is me, I have complex PTSD and that anxiety, flashbacks, depression, insomnia are all part of it. But when I think that there is nothing I can do to change it.......... I go to a very dark place. I have told very few people in my life that I have PTSD and only a handful of people know about my past. I am conscious it's a lot for people to get their heads around. I'm hoping to connect with other people with PTSD, I feel very alone in it sometimes and I'm interested to hear how other people manage their PTSD. Many thanks

[Croix]

Dear Mara

That link should have brought up my 31January 2017 Post from near the start of the thread

Staying well / Store Your Happy Memories Here:

which you can navigate to by hand, I think you will enjoy it.

I did try writing down my nightmares, however seemed to get stuck after the first few words, and reverted to thinking about the dream, I guess I could not concentrate enough. As for analyzing, I don't really know, most seem to be tied in some way to past experiences, unfortunately not the nice ones, and I've not tried to analyze them so much as drive them away.

Now that tele-health is bulk-billed perhaps your psych might have a talk to your husband abut symptoms with a minimum of fuss, probably can't hurt if you were OK with that.

I think the most comforting and strengthening thing of the lot is "been thought this before, still here"

Croix

[Mara56]

Hi Croix,

I will definitely look up your post on Sumo Cat 🐱

I know what you mean about the nightmares being tied to past experiences. I can certainly relate to that. My girlfriend told me the other night that she dreamt we were making gingerbread. All I could think of was how nice it would be to dream of something pleasant like that. Needless to say I didn’t tell her what I dreamt about that night, I only inflict those on my psych.

Re: the telehealth sessions. I am not covered. I used all 10 sessions on my MHP before the Coronavirus hit. My psych thought they were going to extend the amount of sessions due to the virus but so far they haven’t. My psych has reduced his fee for me but because of our current financial situation I’ve had to spin out my sessions. Not ideal at the moment but nothing I can do about it. I thought offering the 10 telehealth sessions during this period was a great initiative of the Govt. I know a lot of people’s mental health is suffering. What I don’t get, is that they are ignoring people who already have a mental health issue. To me logically, if the current situation is affecting people who previously didn’t have a mental health issue then it stands to reason that those that were suffering beforehand and going to be impacted further during this period. Sorry for the rant. It’s just something I feel passionately about.

My mantra this week has been “I’ve been here before and I got through it, I’ll get through this”

Thank you once again Croix, your communications have helped me heaps this week.

I’m going hunting now to find out the origins of Sumo Cat 😁

Cheers

Mara

[Croix]

Dear Mara~

It's been a little while since we last spoke and I was wondering how you are getting on. I am disappointment telehealth does not cover you, I've no idea why, but looking for logic and commonsense from the government is probably being a little hopeful.

Trying to deal with someone who has nightmares, flashbacks and a startle reflex is a state that may require it's own support. Maybe your husband might benefit from a chat with a GP or therapist too.

I do know when waking from a nightmare and getting up there is comfort in someone else also getting up and heating the milk for a soothing drink. (Hard on the partner of course)

Giving a partners a hard time in that manner can seem to leave you with a big dept. That should not really be a bar. I found firstly there have been ways during the day to repay the care and effort, even if it is only bringing a cuppa when they are busy. When they are ill too is another time when the roles are reversed -as I found.

I'm sorry you lost your Garfield type puss. Is there any hope of getting a dog sooner?

https://assistancedogsinternational.org/

has information on therapy dogs in Australia, which are -as far as I know -free in some states like NSW. They may however have a waiting list. One advantage is in some states they exempt a landlord's no pets rule.

I hope you find that post on Sumo Cat (he might be offended otherwise as he is the star:). As usual he is 'busy' beside me, enjoying the warmth of the fire on top of his special furry blanket. Actually his fur is plain nuisance, get on clothes all the time.

With dreams, I may in fact have good ones, gingerbread and all, who knows? However for some unfair reason it is only the bad ones I remember.

While not allowed to talk abut specific meds here I wonder if you have explored all avenues of the less conservative prescriptions? That is how my psych found mine.

Croix

[Mara56]

Hi Croix,

Lovely to hear from you. You must be psychic, I'm not having a particularly good day today. That said, up till today, I have been travelling better that I have for a while. I had a break thorough with my psychologist at our last session, a bit over a week ago. After a lifetime of trying to deal with all the trauma I've experienced, I've finally reached anger which my therapist assures me is a good thing. What I've noticed is that in acknowledging the justifiable rage, my anxiety has reduced, which is a real bonus.

Isolation has in many ways been good for my husband and I. Your suggestion of taking him to one of my sessions is a good one. I've already discussed it with my psychologist, I'm just waiting for him to return to doing sessions in his office. I would feel better having a joint session there, rather than using telehealth.

I used all my sessions on my mental health plan by early March. It is testament to how tough this last 12 months has been for me that I've used them up already. I was hoping and praying that when they announced the increased funding for Mental Health today that they would increase the number of sessions available to 20. I know the Psychology associations have been lobbying for it, but it appears that won't be happening, unless I heard incorrectly and I'm pretty sure I didn't. It just makes me angry that they don't consider that people with a mental health problem might need extra sessions as a result of Covid 19.

I'm just so frustrated at the minute. It has taken me years to get to this place in therapy and I'm worried I won't be able to continue much longer. My psychologist has reduced his fee but it's still a struggle, and once the my health fund coverage runs out........

I read your Sumo cat story and he sounds a real character. Thank for the information about assistance dogs. I don't live in NSW and I'm not sure if they are in my state but I will do some investigation. Mind, it would be unfair to have a dog in this house as we don't really have a backyard. One of the many reasons, I wish this house would sell. I just want to get settled and I really want a dog.

Re: the drugs, I honestly have tried pretty much everything. I currently take one tablet of a very old brand of anti-depressant. It doesn't do much but it's the only one I seem to be able to tolerate. I was taking a larger dose and another medication but they caused a heart problem which took 2 years to sort.

I do appreciate your post Croix.

Thanking you

Mara

[Croix]

Der Mara

It is good to talk wiht you again, and by and large I think you have made a very significant step, even inf your psych visits go right down, I'm also glad you said hello to Ecomama

I doubt you are gong to slip back, just the usual ups and downs, you are a different person now.

That step is the anger of course. It was so easy to blame myself for all that went wrong, despite logical assurances to the contrary. I'm normally both before my illness and now, a reasonably mild mannered person (though isolation is taking its toll:) I rarely had an outburst, and that quickly went away.

Still I did become angry, at a management that used people up in what appeared to me a cynical manner, with tricks to reduce income whilst wanting more work, more shifts. If there were facilities to assist mental heath I never heard of them, and after I was invalided out I never remember receiving any visits or other contact.

And that made me angry, a long sustained anger that has only gone after years. This helped keep me alive, digging my heels in as suicide and trying harder at study -a great factor in my improvement,

So can I suggest you foster that anger, it places the responsibility for your condition on others, not yourself.

As for drugs, I take one A/D so old it's not listed in the drug book in the ED when I've had to go in, and the other so off-beat as to cause them to argue -go figure.. It is a combo that works better than anything else I've tried (which has been lots).

Croix

[Mara56]

Hi Croix,

Lovely to hear from you again.

Croix, you are absolutely right about anger being a good thing in relation to putting the responsibility on to the perpetrators of the abuse. Since I’ve started accessing it, I feel so much lighter and any suicidal thoughts I had, have gone which is a relief.

I totally understand what you’re saying in relation to blaming yourself. My whole life, I have done just that. I’ve have said to my psychologist many times that intellectually I know that none of what happened was my fault. But knowing and feeling are two different things. It’s good to put the blame where it belongs.

It sounds like your previous work environment was very toxic. It can be soul destroying working in that kind of atmosphere.

It takes a lot of courage to reach out for help, it is testament to your strength that you sought help for yourself. And now as a result of the work you have done, you are such a support to so many others including myself and Ecomama, and I’m sure many others on this forum.

For myself, I was happy to offer support to Ecomama. If I can help anyone on this journey, I’m happy to do so.

The A/D you’re on sounds like similar to one I’m on, very few Drs I’ve seen have heard of the one I’m on. I’m glad the combination you’re on works for you.

Thank you once again for all your support.

Take care

Mara

I have never felt anger in my life till recently. I’ve experienced frustration but not anger. I’m sorry I didn’t mention what it is I feel rage about, it has only been in the last few months that I’ve told some close friends about the abuse, I hadn’t even told my GP till this year. My husband, psychologist, and previous counsellors I’ve seen are the only ones who know.


Like Croix I blamed myself for everything that happened to me.

Take care
Mara

[Mara56]

Sorry Croix, the couple of paragraphs after the ending of my message to you were meant to go on my message to Ecomama. I copied some of the info I messaged to Ecomama to put in your message and planned to delete what didn’t relate specifically to you. Unfortunately I must have missed those couple of paragraphs. Oh well, I guess that’s what happens when you don’t sleep for months 😂

Take care

Mara

[Croix]

Dear Mara~

That fact you have left behind something you intended for Ecomama is not a worry. As I have just said to both of you in her thread I'm most pleased you are in contact. Complete understanding, and validation of what you have felt and done is only realy provided by someone with very similar experience. The building that is going on is a tribute to you both.

I guess it also gives you both more perspective -and hopefully encouragement, even if you only know each other for a brief while.

I've never managed the forgiveness bit, I guess both of you may be closer to it than me. The environment was toxic, and not just 'customers' and senor management. I guess at least it is all well in the past now.

As for the courage to reach out, it is easier if you reach toward a safe haven, and that is what my wife struggled to provide despite my words and actions.

I know you may be worried about accessing therapy, while I'm not denying it is needed, I do think you need it less now than before -at least for a while - and will sort thought it.

Croix

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[Guest_1643]

Hi mara, croix, and ecomama and to any people reading 🙂

Just wanted to chime in about the anger, if that's okay.
I feel the same Mara, i had anger at myself and suicidal feelings, but as I am leting myself be angry at my abusers, the self-hatred is moving a little.
I am angry at them, and not seeing myself at blame.

It's very frustrating to feel limited by the ten sessions, and even wit reduced fees I can understand you that it is a financial stress. I hope you find a way to get support, and that the tools you gained in the time you had are still useful. Just like you, I have just finished my 10 sessions.... and making the next move

Hope you are well and had a good weekend

[Mara56]

Dear Croix,

You’re positive support and affirming responses are appreciated more than you can know.

I agree with you in relation to Ecomama and my journey being similar. It certainly does help being able to chat to someone who understands what you’re going through. That said, I cannot stress how important your responses have been to me. Your positivity has helped keep me afloat during a very stressful time.

I’m with you on forgiveness. I don’t know if I will ever be able to forgive the people that abused me. I’ve been told that forgiveness is more about you than them but even so...... I can’t see me forgiving anyone any time soon.

Re: the therapy, I feel like the last fortnight is the most stable I’ve been in a while. I really don’t want to drop the frequency of my sessions for a while. I just keep hoping that financially things will start to improve soon.

Take care Croix

Cheers

Mara