Complex PTSD - What is it and how do we cope?

[Just Sara]

'Complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD; also known as complex trauma disorder) is a psychological disorder thought to occur as a result of repetitive, prolonged trauma involving sustained abuse or abandonment by a caregiver or other interpersonal relationships with an uneven power dynamic.' Wikipedia description..

I think this pretty much sums it up yeah?

I wish I could underline; '..relationships with an uneven power dynamic'. In my own case, C-PTSD was triggered by bullying in my workplace from 2008 until 2014. I developed symptoms such as Anxiety/Panic that grew in severity until a tragic breakdown in 2014. I was forced to medically retire.

Although my history of multiple trauma's and childhood abuse caused specific responses in me from an early age, I thought I was normal and everyone was the same. In fact, a lot of people in my inner circle were.

Decades later, I find out those friends/family members/acquaintances had gone thru their own traumatic situations. So why wouldn't I feel normal around them?

Today, as opposed to the 70's/80's (my adolescence/young adulthood) where abuse wasn't discussed, people have resources to out their pain and confusion in spaces like BB forum or with psychologists, social workers, medico's, psychiatrists and even friends/family.

Treatment has become the 'norm' instead of going it alone which is what many of us here had to do until society caught up with this 'pandemic' (IMO) of psychological disorders.

So, why create a thread dedicated to C-PTSD? Well, stigma and misconception around it's still rife in our society, and people suffering with this horrible disorder and not realising it is a constant.

Your views are absolutely welcome! We really do need to talk about it as consequences of C-PTSD and the benefits of therapy are worthy and an important part of recovery.

Newcomers and current members alike are encouraged to post; old, young, male or female.

Let's pick each other's brain and see where it leads...

Kind thoughts;

Sez

[Just Sara]

I've been writing on my personal thread about 'dissociative' anger and thought I might cut/paste some of it to here.

> 'We talk about dissociation on BB often. Normally it's about flashbacks or invisible fear for instance that sends people into crippling anxiety and panic; totally acceptable as victimised behaviour. But when it's anger driven, empathy isn't dished out so easily.

Judgement can be harsh and rightly so as it affects those in the vicinity instead of the individual themselves, and so it's harder to accept as a 'symptom' as such.

I've spoken [on this thread] before about a situation at school when I was 17 where I had a fight with a girl and lost control of myself. I literally 'saw red' and beat her up quite badly for hurting my sister.

I swore back then I'd never hurt anyone again and walk away from this sort of conflict in the future. And, I have. But, this internalised anger, instead of physically, morphs into what I perceive (at the time) as rational and acceptable behaviour; but it's far from it' <

I tried researching to find a label for what I experience when in this state. There seems to be quite a lot of 'anger disorders' out there, but I don't seem to fit 'exactly' into interpretations; it's more bit's and pieces.

The closest description I found re my behaviour was Dissociative Identity Disorder. (DID) This relates to a separate identity or personality that surfaces to deal with difficult situations, especially in females with ptsd/c-ptsd from childhood. It's more commonly known as multiple personality disorder (MPD) though [it's] still very controversial in MH circles.

I spoke with my GP this morning, but her views on psychiatric disorders are iffy. Even so, I feel what she said was interesting.

"Anger's a normal process, and over doing it can be understandable considering instincts. Ask any mother what she's willing to do to protect her child! Society fails to recognise this important factor when for instance, a woman defends herself in court re hostile or violent allegations against someone who's hurt their kid"

I see my psych next month. I look forward to discussing this with her.

Would love to read your thoughts..

Sez

[Just Sara]

Thankyou Paul;

I'm sorry it's taken me this long to respond, but better late than never right?

You wrote;

'I have been studying mental illness for nearly 40 years.....anxiety.....depression...schizophrenia and PTSD. Until you wrote this thread I was oblivious to the meaning of C-PTSD. Thankyou for helping me learn on this subject and explaining the huge difference between the two'

To be completely honest, I didn't know the difference either until researching it recently; and I was diagnosed yrs ago, you're not the only one, so thankyou for your thoughts, people will be helped by them. It's important to learn about MH when our own sense of identity's often wrapped in its arms.

Whether experiencing symptoms, recovering or learning, the mind tends to focus on its grasp on us which invades every aspect of our lives.

Your support is a consistent presence on this forum so your words hold great respect from others, including me. Thankyou again..

Sez

[Just Sara]

Hello again Karen;

I wanted to reply to your post in a more detailed way so I thanked you for your support first and wrote what was on my mind which answered some personal pent up questions. I'm sorry for this as you probably wondered why I didn't address your c-ptsd questions.

You wrote;

'I have always thought that I didn't have any anger issues, as I have always been to frightened to get angry because of the consequences that followed.. I suppose I could say that my anger emotion has been suppressed or locked up, I do get extremely angry with myself when I think back...Is this real anger worthlessness or frustration?'

and;

'I know the nightmare about really hurting someone, it's real and it eats at you constantly'

These sentiments can be prevalent with c-ptsd sufferers. Fear of consequences leads to self blame. It's easier to take on that blame than to risk being punished and humiliated right? It's also the words coming from our abusers; "It's all your fault!"

Having the finger pointed at you over and again keeps 'doubt' a constant in your mind. When young and this occurs, understanding right from wrong, and personal responsibility from other's accountability can be so confusing, we end up giving in.

As adults, these 'doubts' and 'self fault-finding' behaviours become habitual and interfere with everyday problem solving and decision making. Instinctive survival/fight within us knows it's not normal, but we don't have the cognitive skill to address it. So we take ourselves out of society to avoid conflict because it's just too difficult to face.

No, you're not worthless! You've been 'groomed' to feel worthless because it fits abuser's MO. Nothing more! You're absolutely, bloody entitled to feel angry with people, you've just never been taught how to express it functionally.

Let's face it Karen, self blame hasn't gotten you anywhere except isolated and really confused. And; how could you know 'for sure' if you've purposefully hurt someone, or if it's abuse turned inwards or an attempt at defending yourself?

Unlike you, I've been a fighter all my life; I rebelled against my parents when I was old enough; I played sport which gave me group tactics and an active spirit; I played chess giving me forethought and analytical skills; and had siblings who kept me on my toes.

If I ended up with overwhelming c-ptsd, what chance did you have? I think it's you who needs to be gentle on yourself. 🙂

Love Sez

[Just Sara]

Hi Startingnew;

I'm finally addressing your important questions. I'm truly sorry it's taken so long.

Fear Responses - fight/flight/freeze is a primal response to danger; a switch in our brain necessary for survival of the species and natural in our DNA. When danger's present, we instinctively know if fighting back, running away or preparing for death is relative to our situation. (The latter being the Freeze component)

When ongoing danger's present as with abusive toxic parenting or domestic violence, that 'switch' doesn't turn off. It stays on alert flooding our bodies with adrenaline and cortisol to combat constant threats.

This continues until the threat isn't there anymore. Unfortunately, when we 'perceive' a threat is imminent, we're triggered into 'unconsciously reacting' physically and emotionally. (anxiety/panic) This dysfunctional response is due to habitual fear of the unknown and grooming from abusers that dominate and punish. Our brains have been 'trained' to work this way.

Freezing - in the animal kingdom this response prepares animals for death as running or fighting won't remedy the situation; its predator has the upper hand. Chemicals flood its brain/body so death is as painless and stress free as possible; they 'seem' to accept their doom as a natural progression. That's why on films you'll see animals go limp when they're in a predator's mouth.

When humans instinctively feel they're about to die, this freezing reaction's mentally very confusing and even terrifying. "Why didn't I scream or hit back? I just laid there and let him/her hurt me!"

We question our natural responses because they're not socially acceptable. How many times do we see court cases where women didn't defend themselves in a rape scenario and are crucified by the defence? It's NOT a conscious decision!

So when triggers hit and you freeze, it's a flashback to a time when you thought you had no hope of defending yourself or running away. You gave in and this can be personally offensive in social terms. So when we freeze as a trigger response, we freak out.

Try breathing slowly, tell yourself you've been triggered. Look around and assess what could possibly harm you, then accept it's the past not the present. Afterwards have a think about what triggered you. Information's empowering.

I really hope this helps..

Sez xo

[blondguy]

Hi Sara

Thankyou for creating this thread topic. Now I understand the difference between PTSD and C-PTSD

I will keep reading your thread so I can learn more about C-PTSD

Good1 Sara and thankyou again

Paul

[Ggrand]

Hello Sara,

I remember getting angry once with my parents and once with my hubby, on both occasions the consequences were not at all worth it, I won't go into details but I never showed anger again to anyone. I learnt not to get angry very early in my life. I will just stand there frozen to the spot and allow parents, hubby or anyone now, to yell or scream at me and expecting and waiting for the worse to happen, even though it wasn't anything I had done to cause their anger at me, If I hear or see other people yelling at each other I will run away as quick as I can and usually resulting in a panick attack. Now it is not so bad as I've isolated myself 6 days a week to keep people contact at a minimum, I'm frightened to go out because people looking at me while there approaching me sends me into a panicky mess. At the op shop on Tuesdays I try to avoid the shop front as the amount of mums yelling at their children is more then I can handle. I've been in trouble more times then I can remember by swapping with someone so I can go out back on my own and sort the donations. I dont get angry I get frightened.

My 9 year old grandson has more confidence in life management then I do, I told my Pysch that life itself overwhelms me, it's just to hard and sometimes even impossible for me to make a simple life decision even where to put things in the fridge or cupboards can get me crying out of frustration. The truth is I'm living in confusion if you can understand that.

Someone once said something to hurt me and I cried because it hurt a lot,then that person started getting upset and apologised to me but I felt so guilty because my actions upset her it didn't matter anymore that I was hurting, I upset her and I caused it, this incident just ate away at me for days and I broke contact with her because I felt so bad for her.

I agree that self blame hasn't got me anywhere except to totally confused and isolated me but it's something I haven't been able to find a remedy for..

Thank you again Sara, writing these out onnhere have given me something to think about..

Love,

Karen.

[Just Sara]

Hi Karen;

I really appreciate it must've taken a lot out of you to write what you have. Being able to find examples that fit the brief so to speak can be daunting for people in early stages of recovery. So congratulations!

Anger's a normal, healthy response for humans. How it's expressed is all important re societal norms and this is why we tend to crucify ourselves afterwards or cry instead of rant.

There's also the matter of being an abused person repetitively over a long time. Our normal anger's internalised or expressed inappropriately due to it being pushed down and consistently not being heard/acknowledged/validated.

The original cause for our anger/pain can be lost among resentment, fear and confusion. I totally understand your response of feeling bad after your friend was upset when you cried.

Regret from hurting someone can feel worse than actually being true to ourselves and sticking to our guns, especially when we have no thought for our own well being.

It's when we begin to acknowledge to ourselves how valuable we really are, that courage grows and change occurs. Oprah Winfrey once said;

'We have a God given right to be here and are valuable beyond words for one reason alone; we were born!' (Paraphrased)

When you truly understand this concept, the penny drops.

Karen; you are valuable and worthy beyond words just because you were born...

Let this be your mantra...

Kindness;

Sez xo

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Sez and all,

Thank you for mentioning this thread elsewhere and encouraging me to take a look 🙂

I haven’t really read most of the posts here but I’ve checked out some of the more recents ones. You have sparked some great discussions here and I feel the mutual sharing of opinions, personal experiences and knowledge very inspiring. Good on everyone!

Pepper xoxo

[Ggrand]

Hello Sara,

Ive been thinking about this post as well as my added diagnosis. The way I'm looking at it, is, My dependency on other people was always forced upon me. What I mean is first parents ok we as children accept that we need to be dependent on them. Then hubby who made it his personal business to make me dependent on him. ie:- No money for myself, not allowed to have any friends, not allowed to go anywhere without him, no shopping without him etc... constantly been told how hopeless, useless, I am. Now on my own without anyone to I suppose I could say direct me, I can understand my inability to trust myself.

I had to get some work done to my former home, I paid this tradie up front. He half done it and never came back, My sons were quite upset with me and told me to ring fair trading and complain, me like you Sara, couldn't be bother to do that I didn't want conflict and in the end I thought well it's my fault because I shouldn't have paid him first..Lesson still not learnt, I done the same again because they say asked for payment up front, I just don't question it because I don't want conflict, yes again a shoddy, cheap job done, on a fence now I'm paying for it. I trust people's word to much, I think.

Being aware of my mistakes, I am, and won't do that again, why? I simply won't ask anyone to fix things, if I can't fix them, bad luck for me.

To forgive myself is a huge ask, I just cannot do that, I won't go into details here, but my biggest mistake, is me not standing up for myself with hubby for so many years which is still causing a lot of heart ache for me and my children. This is all my doing and I just cannot forgive myself for being so afraid and weak for not standing up to him..

To be my own best friend I must at least like myself a little, which I do not, I'm constantly reminded each day of my mistakes and just do not like who I am.. I have tried to accept me and my mistakes. even accepting me is too hard. But I do try to, at times I'm not so angry with myself, maybe that could be a start, but the anger and how I feel about me always seeps back in.

Thank you very much for your time, I appreciate it so much and a thought provoking post,

love,

Karen.

[Just Sara]

Hi Karen and thanks so much for posting here;

Your situation's indicative of many who visit this forum, so I'll reiterate the cause of c-ptsd for those who might not be aware.

'Complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD; also known as complex trauma disorder) is a psychological disorder as a result of repetitive, prolonged trauma involving sustained abuse or abandonment by a caregiver or other interpersonal relationships with an uneven power dynamic'

Domestic Violence (DV) is well and truly a cause of c-ptsd because of the time while experiencing 'conditioning' or 'programming' via that person's dominant and abusive behaviour.

In other words, you've been trained to think this way about yourself. It began in childhood then progressed onto other relationships.

Two words abuse victims rarely use are 'my rights'. Everyone has (human) rights; these include but aren't limited to - FREEDOM, respect, choice, equality, mistakes, anger, sadness, grief, disappointment, opportunities, access and participation, to be loved and to love, empathy, nurturing, informed consent and the list goes on. How many of these were you afforded by your abusers?

Abused minds are enslaved by their abusers. It's simple; the words "..or else" can cause such fear, that moment goes on to cause a lifetime of avoidance.

How could you possibly know how to love or like yourself under these circumstances? You've been trained to feel small and insignificant unless it's to boost others.

Recovery from this is a 'one step' at a time process. Each one designed to help you move onto the next lesson carefully and slowly. Things won't speed up until you're feeling more confident within yourself.

One of the hardest to accomplish is saying the word; "No". You probably won't even consider this now, but one day you will. 🙂

Please keep talking as your situation's really important ok. Hope this is helpful..

Kind thoughts;

Sez