Complex PTSD - What is it and how do we cope?

[Just Sara]

'Complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD; also known as complex trauma disorder) is a psychological disorder thought to occur as a result of repetitive, prolonged trauma involving sustained abuse or abandonment by a caregiver or other interpersonal relationships with an uneven power dynamic.' Wikipedia description..

I think this pretty much sums it up yeah?

I wish I could underline; '..relationships with an uneven power dynamic'. In my own case, C-PTSD was triggered by bullying in my workplace from 2008 until 2014. I developed symptoms such as Anxiety/Panic that grew in severity until a tragic breakdown in 2014. I was forced to medically retire.

Although my history of multiple trauma's and childhood abuse caused specific responses in me from an early age, I thought I was normal and everyone was the same. In fact, a lot of people in my inner circle were.

Decades later, I find out those friends/family members/acquaintances had gone thru their own traumatic situations. So why wouldn't I feel normal around them?

Today, as opposed to the 70's/80's (my adolescence/young adulthood) where abuse wasn't discussed, people have resources to out their pain and confusion in spaces like BB forum or with psychologists, social workers, medico's, psychiatrists and even friends/family.

Treatment has become the 'norm' instead of going it alone which is what many of us here had to do until society caught up with this 'pandemic' (IMO) of psychological disorders.

So, why create a thread dedicated to C-PTSD? Well, stigma and misconception around it's still rife in our society, and people suffering with this horrible disorder and not realising it is a constant.

Your views are absolutely welcome! We really do need to talk about it as consequences of C-PTSD and the benefits of therapy are worthy and an important part of recovery.

Newcomers and current members alike are encouraged to post; old, young, male or female.

Let's pick each other's brain and see where it leads...

Kind thoughts;

Sez

[Idkme]

Hi again flighty

i re-read you post and one of the comments you said was “I have learnt that I need strategies in place for those days, I'm just surprised that my therapist hasn't discussed it with me. Maybe we are just so good at hiding stuff ?”

I would be cautious discovering too much too quickly without feeling ‘safe’ first. Ask your therapist if he/she is trauma informed or if they have had training on it specifically. I had an experience of opening up to the wrong therapist and it gave me 2 weeks of hell in my head with panic attacks, huge anxiety, etc. It was much too fast.

I spoke to the people at blue knot and they suggested I find a professional who could handle it much more calmly and said it was really important to have your safety resources established, like ‘being present’, etc.

I really appreciate that advice now..., I was completely triggered and i felt very much like I was losing control. Listen to your ‘adult’ present instincts and think if they sound reasonable... I’d mention it for sure to your therapist next time.

I’m no expert, just speaking from my own experience.

[Just Sara]

Hi Idk, Flighty and those reading;

I like this dialogue. It's important for survivors to talk with each other. My answer to your question Flighty is yes. My memories started emerging when a friend did Reiki on me in my early 30's.

I 'saw' what happened like I was viewing someone else's dream. The practitioner watched on in tears as I relived an event that occurred at the age of 11. I (as a little girl) was sleeping and woke during the midst of things.

For many months, even yrs I'd say, I tried to prove it was just a dream and not real. But the more I delved, the harder it was to deny. No-one wants a memory like that; no-one. It wasn't just what happened, it was how to cope with 'that' truth; with my family, and an unknown future with him in my life. Well "Hell No!" was my answer to that.

My own brain saved me from a life of remembering so I could live. I consider myself lucky compared to those who remember all their lives.

My son's abuse at the age of 2 triggered my own to surface. I was acting differently, not sleeping, and when I did, I'd wake during the night screaming "No! No!" Standing in the middle of the bedroom wondering why I was there.

I dealt with both him and I at the same time; pretty harrowing stuff.. I responded not just as a mother who'd been groomed by a man who wanted access to my child, but as a child victim. I only realised this thru therapy.

I hope you don't mind talking about details. I'd be interested to know your experience too. In how you remembered I mean.

Till next time...

Sez

[Idkme]

Hi Again Sez,

My experience is quite a surprise to me... I was wondering why I had lost my passion for a particular sport/hobby I loved and was very fast losing confidence. I had a "coach" confidence lesson and she saw straight through me and asked me if I had any trauma in my life... I knew I had a past trauma (over 4 year long from 13-17) but was taken back by the question and then WHAM it occurred to me that IT was sabotaging my love of the sport because he used "that love" as a way to get to me.... It amazes me that I had never made the connection (a VERY obvious one) and the absolutely gut wrenching realisation that he was once again tampering with my life just absolutely floored me. As I mentioned in other posts, I had huge panic attacks, fear, so so so many emotions.... and then the flashbacks began... heaps of them... small little irrelevant things... a touch, a memory, a movement, a visual, a sound (the only one I haven't had is a smell), and each time it's quipped with a shuddered disgusting feeling (like get outta my skin shivers, or "squiggly wiggly worms"), and so the pandora's box has opened and what's coming out is so much darkness.... the other thing that's also surprised me is that it didn't stop with just that one thing when I was 13... it went back to a time before... to the questions of "where was my mother?", flashbacks to fights my parents had as they were divorcing, to fears that I had as a child, and needs to be cuddled that I never got from my parents (especially my mum). And the more I remembered the deeper I went into my childhood and I started to lose grip with my life now..., my happy life now... and so that's where I am now... to and throwing from being present to being miserable. I'm still so new to all this that I am struggling to find ways of keeping present... the best I've done is researched heaps of information and posted on here, and finally admit I need to talk to a psychologist... lets hope I get a grip on things again and hopefully I can also deal with a few of my demons (like self worth, confidence, fear of abandonement, attachment, need to please, etc. along the way).

... sorry for the long post.... I just have such a feeling of wanting to share... don't quite know why????

[Just Sara]

Hi Idk;

It seems things are progressing swiftly; I call this 'The Quickening'. It's when memories and specifics start to link with each other like putting a jigsaw puzzle together in a frenzy. Each piece might be predominately blue, but if you look closer, you find skerricks of pink, white and green. Recovery can be like this in many ways.

When it occurs, write in a book as much as you can about feelings and information that come up. Journaling's a good idea so you have something tangible to join the dots. It also helps to view your experiences from a non judgemental or 'observer' perspective later on. It's difficult to begin with as info might trigger, but as time passes hopefully you'll find going over information is similar to researching.

Oh yeah, those Ah-Ha moments like the one you had about sport, are gold! Cherish them as they have pure healing power.

Just remember though, your physical brain only has a limited capacity to cope with such times. It's important to find balancing activities (relaxing, happy, active etc) to keep 'it' healthy and able to face future episodes. Remind yourself of the role your body plays in recovery. You're not just a big ball of emotions and thoughts ok.

Cptsd changes our brains. It gets physically damaged by the dread, sadness, helplessness and fear of an ongoing traumatic lifestyle. Comparing yourself to others who're healing isn't possible for this reason.

The last thing is anti anxiety medication. Some people don't like to think they 'need' it and some psychiatrists and GP's don't like prescribing it, but I can assure you, the benefits to ptsd/cptsd sufferers far outweigh reported problems if you use them wisely.

They help to 'rest' your physical brain and in turn this rests symptoms so we can sleep, have time off from panic etc and rejuvenate to face our demons with care. Remember, your physical brain needs to heal; it's broken.

Hope this has helped you understand a bit more about yourself.

Take care;

Sez x

[Idkme]

Sez... you are right on....

[Idkme]

Sez, you are right on....

This does feel like a "quickening". It's like I've been so dead inside, like I've been depressed/suppressed and was unable to feel ANYTHING, it all felt childish and immature and ridiculous... it was much easier to be grumpy and sour and wear a frown in my head. What I'm not sure about is the process... I tried the journal thing in the first 2 weeks and it near killed me (not sure I can say that...?). I went way too fast and way way way way too deep and it felt like the death-eaters from the Harry Potter movie where going to suck the soul right out of me. They are still there lurking now, i can see them in my internal body. It was suggested I back away from those as they were just too much too fast and I literally was losing touch with who I was, I couldn't eat, sleep much, even simple tasks like hanging the clothes out was so difficult. I couldn't face the supermarket or look at people... I was terrified of everyone and every thing and I had NO idea what to do.

So I've stopped doing that now and was told to put it all back into the box, which is what I did and now it's coming out much more slower and in a little bit of a controlled way... I'm just not sure what part I'm meant to be exploring.... am I meant to look for happy times? am I meant to face my demons? am I meant to run and hide (protect myself)? Should I play out alternative realities? should I withdraw from the situation and put someone else in? (tried that but it was worse). Just lots of questions and lots I want to know... I know I need to be patient... but it's that feeling I can't handle it..... it's like holding a hand over my mouth and suffocating me (like shutting me up from saying anything), it really does make me want to pass out and throw up...

So it's been really therapeutic to get your feedback here, Sara, and hear that these things are all progressive and necessary and that I have a friend who knows what it feels like.... It would be great to know there were more and how they survived.... I guess when they're surviving it isn't as necessary to be "here" on this forum.

I just hope that all this self discovering can help others too...

[Just Sara]

Hi again lovely Idk;

Ok...you asked me five really intense questions. I'm off out soon so I only have time for a quick few words.

If you have kids asking 5 things at once, what do you say to them? Your inner child is scared and panicky. Please research 'dissociation' and the inner child.

Remember there's a small you who went thru all that stuff and hasn't had a chance to talk about it or tell her story. She's scared wondering what will happen once things get churned up. I mean, she's been holding onto this stuff since back when. You're not only healing the adult you, you're helping the little girl you once were to have a voice and cry for all the right reasons.

That's why this is called 'complex'. Slowing down's a great idea. It's one day at a time and one step towards recovery. Not 5 at a time...ha ha 🙂 Patience my sweet...

I have to go hun. I'm sorry, but I'll be back some time tomorrow. In the meantime, please make an appt with your GP for a mental health care plan and referrals to a psychiatrist (who'll diagnose you) and a psychologist (who'll help you with finding the best therapy options).

Please discuss med's.

Talk soon so take care;

Sez x

[Idkme]

Hi Sez,

I am so appreciative that you reply to my messages... it really does make life easier/better... thank you.

I definitely can relate to the "child within". I feel like an impatient child who at times stamps her feet and makes demands. One of the counsellors I talked to said I say "should" and "need to" a lot which is my inner child demands, very interesting.... So I know I have an inner child, how do I discipline it?

I wrote on my other post that I was feeling a bit "hopeful", that was while the sun was shining, but the minute the darkness literally creeps in so does the thoughts and anxieties... It's so crazy thinking about ALL these things... it's like as soon as I stop then the child demands attention, the only way to stop it is to be really busy all the time.... I just want a break....

You said "That's why this is called 'complex'. Slowing down's a great idea. It's one day at a time and one step towards recovery. Not 5 at a time...ha ha 🙂 Patience my sweet...". That is so comforting to know, it definitely makes sense to the adult self, but the child self just wants to tantrum... funny thing is I NEVER tantrumed when I was a child, I was a "good girl". It's also occurred to me how many times I've repeated that term "good girl"... there is something in that....

Seeing as you will see this tomorrow... could you answer the other questions tomorrow?? please?? lol...... I will definitely look up dissociation, I do 'hunger' for information... it exhausts me and then I can sleep... it also keeps the dark away (I sound so much like a child, lol) but it's a metaphor.

I have a skype appointment with my psychologist in 2 days... I live in a rural area of Australia so a bit hard to find help I trust... I don't have a regular GP, I avoid doctors and most costs... I'm not even sure what convinced me to see this psychologist, but I've had one session and I'm going to continue for at least the 6 sessions and see what comes of it after that.

Sleep well and hope to catch up tomorrow night.....

IDK me.... wish i did......

[Just Sara]

Good morning Idk;

Sun's shining here but the wind's a bit of a nuisance. My pooch doesn't respond well to wind, he can get quite antsy. He's entitled to that though as he's an old bugger like me.

I opened this post with the boring going's on I experience each day. To some it might seem quite inane and nothing really to brag about. To me though, it's recovery at its finest. I've survived 1500 mornings or 214 weeks since my breakdown. You can't fix yourself in a few easy lessons.

It's time to dig your heels in for the long haul.

Learn how to ground yourself thru activities that connect you to the earth like gardening, physically asserting yourself doing housework, watching a funny movie with friends or listening to soothing music in the bath. Resting your mind is about the most nurturing thing you can do for yourself. So again, I'm asking you to talk with your GP about med's.

If I suggest anything I really feel's important, please consider it carefully ok.

As for the inner child stuff, it's you as an adult the focus needs to be on. You and I weren't parented very well and were left to our own devices to learn how to be as adults. Because of this we created an 'ad-hoc' way of approaching life (including men) based on 'observational' opinion from an adolescent/child's perspective.

Now it's time to undo those self taught dysfunctional lessons and create more functional ideals, beliefs and habits to get you thru life. That includes behaviour that inhibits your progress. It's not for the faint hearted and ideally should be delved into with your psych and hopefully close friends or family.

I only come onto the forums these days to take care of my threads and post on my journal thread now and then. I can't lead you thru your situation by the hand I'm sorry.

Your questions aren't that relevant in the scheme of things, but I guess you don't know this. Recovery for sufferers of childhood cptsd is about learning to be functional adults.

Going into the past for answers is only part of the process, not the be all and end all. Success is in the here and now; living each moment as a gift.

Take care;

Sez x

[Idkme]

Good afternoon Sez,

It's so nice to read your message... It's just nice knowing someone out there has a past that also haunts them.

A few things you said confused me and I'd love some clarifying.... you said "I opened this post with the boring going's on I experience each day". Is that something you do because you feel obliged, like you don't enjoy it?, is it because I personally ask annoying questions and maybe I'm 'just another one'? (no offence taken). I personally get some comfort from this correspondence at the moment but I'd hate to be inflicting any more discomfort.

I completely respect your endurance and commitment, it's amazing that you have kept a record of it and you are doing an amazing community benefit just by communicating here... I think you're amazing.

you said "I only come onto the forums these days to take care of my threads and post on my journal thread now and then. I can't lead you thru your situation by the hand I'm sorry." The emphasis on the "only" has me worried... I'm new, as you know, but a journal thread sounds like something I would be interested in, should I leave this post alone and just post on my personal one? is that what you are suggesting? (which I am quite happy to do for sure but just wasn't sure).

Your advice is true and I am seeing a psychologist weekly (seems like forever to me but I know it's not compared to the months/years etc.) and I know I will settle down into that but I'm making the most of my urgency to try to find answers before I slip back into the melancholy of life.

As far as medication goes, I am just not prepared to investigate that option. I have already seen that I have slightly obsessive tendencies and I'd hate to create an obsession. I've been very diligent and determined having never been drunk (ever, and not going to either). I feel that I would become completely absorbed by it if I did... It's just a life choice I've made... maybe I am strong, others call it stubborn.

Anyway, would be lovely to hear from you again but maybe I'm just ...... (can't think of the word)....

until next time....