Complex PTSD - What is it and how do we cope?

[Just Sara]

'Complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD; also known as complex trauma disorder) is a psychological disorder thought to occur as a result of repetitive, prolonged trauma involving sustained abuse or abandonment by a caregiver or other interpersonal relationships with an uneven power dynamic.' Wikipedia description..

I think this pretty much sums it up yeah?

I wish I could underline; '..relationships with an uneven power dynamic'. In my own case, C-PTSD was triggered by bullying in my workplace from 2008 until 2014. I developed symptoms such as Anxiety/Panic that grew in severity until a tragic breakdown in 2014. I was forced to medically retire.

Although my history of multiple trauma's and childhood abuse caused specific responses in me from an early age, I thought I was normal and everyone was the same. In fact, a lot of people in my inner circle were.

Decades later, I find out those friends/family members/acquaintances had gone thru their own traumatic situations. So why wouldn't I feel normal around them?

Today, as opposed to the 70's/80's (my adolescence/young adulthood) where abuse wasn't discussed, people have resources to out their pain and confusion in spaces like BB forum or with psychologists, social workers, medico's, psychiatrists and even friends/family.

Treatment has become the 'norm' instead of going it alone which is what many of us here had to do until society caught up with this 'pandemic' (IMO) of psychological disorders.

So, why create a thread dedicated to C-PTSD? Well, stigma and misconception around it's still rife in our society, and people suffering with this horrible disorder and not realising it is a constant.

Your views are absolutely welcome! We really do need to talk about it as consequences of C-PTSD and the benefits of therapy are worthy and an important part of recovery.

Newcomers and current members alike are encouraged to post; old, young, male or female.

Let's pick each other's brain and see where it leads...

Kind thoughts;

Sez

[Just Sara]

Just having you help out is gold! Thankyou...🙂

I needed to write my last post. And, I needed to read it again...

Sez xo

[startingnew]

Morning Sez and all

It sounds like your doing alot of thinking, i was up this morning at ungodly hrs flicking through threads but i read your 'uh huh' moment. I love those little click moments!

sending lots of well wishes to you all xoxo

[startingnew]

Dear Sez,

I was flicking through some of the things on my computer and come across this quote that I think you (and others) might resonate with ive been reading both this thread and the other wellness as a trigger thread so im not sure where to put this, I think it goes a little better here though


“It occurred to me that many people are actually afraid to heal because their entire identity is centered around the trauma they've experienced. They have no idea who they are outside of truma and that can be terrifying”


I believe in you Sez, just the fact youve made it this far in your recovery is amazing. It doesnt mean you cant have doubts or not be afraid. No one is super human, having someone hold your hand and letting you know that itll be ok, or to just listen is a normal human need ( even if it isnt something we necessarily 'want'). Theres nothing wrong with needing to be taken care of even for a little while. If I was able to I would be more than happy to come and keep you company and to take care of you, while still letting you have your independence as well. To help you create your safe place.
So for now virtually, take my hand and come and sit with me and breathe, theres no expectations, no pressures, just breathing.


Whilst our road to recovery is individual, your not alone. Youve got us here online to support you but perhaps your in need of some extra support offline as well. Would seeing your psychologist for a few sessions be helpful at all?
When you say your independence is being threatened, are you refferring to aging? I could be way off so please do pull me up if im wrong, but there is a few things I could suggest if this is the case but I will wait to hear your thoughts first.


I wonder if the feeling of having things out of your control is triggerring you abit? (as in loosing abit of that independence) I know from my own experiences and from reading what others have written, control and also that safe bubble is a need more so than most people without ptsd or c-ptsd and having that threatened can send me into a whirl too.
Something I have learnt when im triggerred by something I have no control over is to try Radical Acceptance- is this something youve heard of before? I am more than happy to share it with you if you havent, or my perspective if you would like.


Sending my love, hugs and butterfly wishes
XOXOX

[Just Sara]

Oh my dear sweet BW 🙂

Your post bought me to tears. Not bad ones, just those that reflect being grateful for the kindness of others.

It's so nice to read your compassionate and wise words. I shake my head sometimes thinking; "Where's that young girl gone?" Could you have imagined you'd be supporting me as effectively as you have only 18 months after we first met?

I told you back then it would happen. Hard to comprehend I guess considering how ill you were. Your post above is a wonderful example of addressing my needs as an individual, and with such skill. Thankyou...

Yes, I've had some Ah-Ha moments this week. Helped me turn things around and give me hope and faith. They never go astray 😉

The quote you chose is pretty accurate. Changing from a post trauma mindset to living in the now has its moments and then some for sure. Finding relief from the panic attacks, head spins, shaking/vibrating, obsessive/erratic thoughts, fear, adrenaline fuelled days, just to name a few, was and still is a Godsend and will always be remembered as some of my finest moments. But it's changing who I am that's taking real guts. It's achieving my goals as an independent operator without a boss or someone else to tell me what to do.

As much as growing up with such restrictive and dysfunctional boundaries was horrible, it's what I know. Stepping outside that norm is what I've worked so hard for, yet, to think I'm nearly there, working for myself helping others, seems surreal. Doubt's been creeping in too.

It's ok to feel this way, i get that. Pushing boundaries to crack that glass ceiling shouldn't be an easy task; I mean, it's hard for most. I'm taking my time, getting back into good routines and easing into it. Gotta remind myself often...

Thankyou for being here...you've really helped me focus and feel encouraged and supported.

love Sez xoxo

[Idkme]

Just commenting to join in....

rings so true with so many things.... It's been over 25 years since my "trauma" and it was from the age of 13-17 years old by someone who used my love of "something"(can't say here) to groom and use me... I feel that maybe I produced some form of vulnerability which made me an easier target because my parents split when I was 7 years old and my mother had ongoing 'bad' relationships and mental health issues. I actually have no feelings of affection from her however I know she loves me but it feels more like she needs me... I 'kind of' grew up quickly and didn't really have an 'enjoyable' childhood. Anyway, my needy-ness meant that I was an 'attention seeker' and attracted all the wrong attention... I was 'lucky' because I was protected by a "good girl" mentality so (aside from the horrid experiences mentioned above) I have been pretty protected physically.... however the internal side of me is completely trashed. I have such fear of abandonement that I struggle to make attachments, I have very low self-esteem, have negative self talk, hate myself, and sabotage all my happiness so that misery is more comfortable. I struggle to accept compliments and questions and challenge everything (trust issues).

The amazing thing is that I have coped by pretending.... it works amazing... I pretend to be a good girl, I pretend to be a teacher (and I'm a good actor). I pretend to be a good mother/ a good wife. I pretend to be a good friend. I pretend to be happy. This has worked for so long, I am blessed with many good things.... and then BAM, 2 weeks ago I was 'triggered', the flashbacks and triggers are the things that are starting to take over... I get these feelings/shudders of feelings connected with things I have suppressed and then flashbacks... . According to the therapist I talked to I had "stopped feeling". Well I'm feeling now.... and it doesn't feel so good.... but I know this is something I have to deal with because I've heard too many people with breakdowns and I'm a aware that's where I was/am heading...

Anyway, I am now linked in with a psychologist for weekly consultations.... it's so hard to 'deal with things' inbetween sessions... I've thrown myself into researching and finding more but it isn't helping when I'm alone or the flashbacks come....

I'll cope.... I have to.... but it's such a complex issue... it's just a bit of relief to find reasons to the feelings I'm having.

[Just Sara]

Hi Idk and welcome to our caring community;

It's pretty brave of you to out your thoughts on a public forum, so well done! It seems your psyche's ready to let go of the past. This is a great place to delve, find support and encouragement. 🙂

Pretending? Hmm...they say fake it till you make it! Well, you've done a bang up job by the sounds of it. Your life looks pretty amazing and 'normal' to me. Yeah, I know. Normal is really subjective hey?

You've created a good life for yourself; that's a plus and a huge credit to you considering your past. It's what lies beneath that wants peace. I absolutely understand where you're at. I've been there...

You're intelligent, self aware and committed. Those qualities along with courage and patience will come in handy for healing your wounded mind and heart. Weekly psych visits won't go astray either. Great decision there!

I'd like to quote something you wrote;

'I feel that maybe I produced some form of vulnerability which made me an easier target...'

The rational mind tries desperately to make sense of the unthinkable, so it creates a 'story' or 'reason' to justify irrational decision making on the part of your perpetrator.

It might seem an inane comment to you, being somehow vulnerable enough to groom and sexually assault, but the truth of the matter is you'll never know why he chose you. That's his cross to bare, not yours.

If I asked [him] why, he'd probably blame you like the coward he is; the truth is he wanted to 'overpower' someone smaller than himself to get off and feel big. A rational explanation? No! None of this has anything to do with you or any other victim he's abused.

What we think isn't important in the scheme of things, can be quite harmful to our psyche and patterns of behaviour. How many times have you secretly wondered what you've done to make people do or act the way they do?

I finally let myself off 'that' hook 18 months ago. I'd blamed myself and didn't even realise until acceptance and self empowerment therapy.

I hope I haven't upset you. It'd be great to hear back from you soon. Take care...

Kind thoughts;

Sez x

[Idkme]

Hi Sez, thank you for replying....

move started a new thread with some issues of dealing with ‘urgency’ and ‘abandonement’ if you could give me some insights please....

In relation to your comments you are very perceptive.... I do have what appears to be a ‘normal’ life but I know that deep down there is a line that once crossed will result in the ‘crazy’ side coming out.... it’s what happened to my mother and she’s now diagnosed with Bipolar after multiple visits to hospital with psychotic behaviours. Only those close to her knew her struggles.

I feel those struggles beneath. I feel the depression and the options I have to chose, sometimes the choices aren’t that easy.... sometimes I’m just tired of being ‘the good girl’. The struggle is real.

The compliments you gave me were lovely, thank you. I just wish I felt them.....

its interesting that you are also a mature age individual, I am in my mid 40s. My husband has been saying, over the last 2 weeks, “I knew this time was coming”. It’s been so obvious to him.... all my insecurities, withdrawing, self confidence is spiralling downward and it’s time to fight back.... I just need a bit of help that’s all....... admitting it has been 1 very huge step forward.

I hope I keep up with the journey....

[Flighty]

Thank you for your reply xx

I haven't been online for a while. This last week has been extremely difficult, very dark days. I'm hoping difficult times mean progress towards healing ...

I have learnt that I need strategies in place for those days, I'm just surprised that my therapist hasn't discussed it with me. Maybe we are just so good at hiding stuff ?

Finding a support network is really hard not only for myself but for my husband who travels a lot. Isolation is a huge factor and of course trust.

Taking 1 day at a time and grateful for the support I do have from my husband.

Hoping tomorrow is a better day xx

[Flighty]

Just wondering if others here repressed memories for a long period of time as well ?

For a long time all I've wanted to feel is "normal" and just couldn't understand why or what was wrong with me. I repressed my trauma events for 37 years and are only now remembering bits and pieces. I've had episodes over the years of anxiety and depression etc but the reasons have only surfaced now.

[Idkme]

Hi Flighty,

definitely had repressed memories. I knew I was abused but thought the best way to deal with it was block it in lock it down real deep and throw the key away... that worked for around 25 years but someone discovered the box opened it up and said ‘hey, what’s this thing here that is sabotaging all your joy, do you think it’s the reason you haven’t been ‘feeling’?

All I can say is it was a huge shock.

I also find it hard to find a network... I’ve found I have times when I just need answers now and it consumes me and I spend hours searching the Internet .... I found a good YouTube that Dr Bessell van der kolk spoke about complex PTSD, that was very interesting... I still find myself checking constantly to see if anyone has responded to my new thread, lol.

I just have to tell myself that I’m the only person I need and to ‘search within yourself’. It’s still very much ‘a work in progress’