Childhood sexual abuse

ElyseH · ‎04-09-2022

I have spoken on here a couple of times, this time I think i'm seeking reassurance I guess. I have been seeing a psychologist for years so i have the support, i just saw him this week and i wont be due in for another month or more so here i am. Last night got me thinking of how behind i am in life compared to friends, slow with learning and understanding things most people even younger than me seem to have taken on board. Then this time it struck me that I repeated year 2 due to math learning difficulties. I was never able to pin point how old I was when a brother of mine abused me for his own experimenting. I am starting to wonder if that happened at age 7ish which would line up with learning troubles in school. I've always wanted to understand the reason behind so many issues I struggle with but my Dr or psych has never specifically said that my experience as a child is the thing that contributes to my problems. I would have to be about 7 years and my brother is 2 years older than me, one day he did stuff to me . Although at that time I didn't know what any of it meant and I don't feel traumatised by it now but I wonder if there is underlying affects it had on me.

Bob_22 · ‎04-09-2022

Hi ElyseH,

Thank you for posting here. It is great that you recognised that you won't be seeing your psychologist for a while and are in need for some support/reassurance! I'm sorry that you've been feeling you have fallen behind in life compared to your friends. They always say that everyone should run their own race but that is easier said than done. I've lost years of productivity and career progression due to depression unfortunately but have slowly learnt to be empowered by my experiences and value the resilience I have gained from them. It even opens up some opportunities on the way!

I'm sorry about your sexual assault during childhood. I can't imagine what dealing with it must have been like at such a young age. I know you mentioned that you don't feel traumatised by it, but trauma affects everyone in different ways and is not always obvious. It can sometimes be internalised to the point that it affects without knowledge. I would suggest raising this again with your psychiatrist/psychologist and perhaps mention the schooling difficulties as well if you haven't just yet. This might give more clarity. If you need someone to unpack things with in the meantime, I would also suggest contacting https://www.1800respect.org.au/ who offer 24 hour support and counselling for people impacted by sexual assault. They have some great information on their website which might be helpful.

Keep us updated and thank you again for sharing your story, it is very encouraging. Please remember that although you may be slower than your friends in certain things, what is most important is your mental health. 🙂💙

Bob

ElyseH · ‎06-09-2022

I will look at that website and def bring it up in my next session. With the trauma, i dont get flashbacks, feel sick at thinking about it or anger and panic attacks but for me i notice i would say the learning aspect of things like not understanding. i wonder if that is a symptom from abuse and lack of parental attention.

ecomama · ‎06-09-2022

Hey ElyseH, yes it can be, is the short answer.

I wanted to respond earlier but had a HORRIBLE meeting to prepare for... which went swimmingly well today.

So now I can offer some support to you.

Firstly, massive hugs for what you've been through. HUUUUUGSSSSS!

There's research on exactly what you mention. Trauma and "learning" connections. Mainly finding it difficult to RETAIN learning. It has to do with our brain wiring. We can talk about this if you like?
Could be for various reasons too, just depends.

So yes you may have hit the nail on the head, so you have a GREAT head on your shoulders to work this out all by yourself!

The thing I noticed you saying next was "lack of parental attention".... would you think your childhood experience of this is close to "neglect" for you?

If so, this is another reason.

In both and ALL cases, you CAN recover.

We need to leave the comparisons of yourself to others, peers and those younger or whomever it is.

YOU are on your own path.
You are on a journey of healing.
We can't compare ourselves, it does us no good to do so, like ever.

I'm quite surprised your Psych has not delved more into your childhood tbh.
I saw a saying on YT from "The School of Life" and it went something like this... "What was your question about how you're finding things difficult? Oh it doesn't matter what the question was..."

"The answer is look to your childhood".
We can talk about that too if you like?

Whatever you like.

I'm SO proud of you!
Seeking answers.
Walking your path.

You have SO got this Elyse,
Love EMxxxx

ElyseH · ‎07-09-2022

I really enjoyed reading your reply Em! I feel that the different ways trauma/abuse affects people in different ways isn't spoken of much so in a way I see myself as normal but also confused at times why I struggle with certain things and that causes me to put so much pressure on myself "how am I not getting this?" "why do I still not follow this?" etc.

I do think I was emotionally neglected growing up. My parents have provided well for our family physically and have tried to teach us morals but its the painful things that get ignored. I grew up with 4 older brothers and while dad was off working mum is the housekeeper but we weren't watched every minute of the day, hence having my brother experimenting by playing with me. But as is grew up I was in my early 20's when I brought this with my mum to which she responded that she needed more counselling now. She regrets to this day what she said but it still sent me a message that I am an imposition, I feel guilty to people for being a hassle.

My psych is good but I think I could do with reassurance of what causes certain problems. What is that about the school of life? Do you know where I can find reliable sources about trauma and learning connection?

Im glad your meeting went well by the way.

Elyse

Echtis · ‎08-09-2022

Hi,

I can definitely relate to the feeling of being behind in life compared to everyone I look at. The path forward doesn't just look more difficult because of my issues, but it feels unnecessarily cruel and unjust.

I also relate to being uncertain as to whether what would classically be considered abuse had an effect on me. More than my sexual abuse as a teenager, I remember much more traumatically the things that led me to the sexual abuse: my family didn't love me and used me as a punching bag for any stress they had, and I wanted to experience any form of love or affection.

More than my various assaults, I remember the nights crying locked outside my house with no food, or my mother threatening me.

I see my trauma from that much more apparently most of the time. But then there are times when someone stands too close behind me, and I feel their breath of my neck, and I have an episode right there.

Ultimately, as my psychologist said you are the one who gets to "choose" what traumatised you, and what you want to work on. Don't let others define it for you, or tell you what or wasn't.

Take care.

Sophie_M · ‎08-09-2022

Hi everyone, Thank you all for sharing such brave and open posts here. We’re glad you were able to open up to this community.

We wanted to highlight that you can talk to Blue Knot about this on 1300 657 380, every day between 9am-5pm (AEDT). Their counsellors are very experienced in working with people who have experienced complex trauma. They also have some resources on their website which could be useful to visit, particularly the pages on Survivors Self Care. 

Thank you all for your courage and strength in sharing your stories. You experiences are valid and it's great that you are all taking comfort in talking about your experiences here.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

ecomama · ‎09-09-2022

Hey Elyse, I'm glad you enjoyed reading my response. Hugs again.

There's more about recovery from trauma in other threads but in a nutshell something I learnt from Blues here was that if we were comforted (I'd say "well enough" or "in the right ways" because we're all so individual), then impacts of potentially traumatic events and trauma responses is reduced.
If we felt neglected, emphasis on FELT, then the trauma from whatever events they were, can be exponentially increased.

Research is in all sorts of places.
Reading the Blue Knot stuff had me bawling my eyes out. Knowing the impact of SA on myself and my children was almost too much to take.

One thing my Counsellor told me which I found astounding (this was in relation to supporting my children's disclosures to authorities) was the ONE element (THE ONE omg) which supported a person's recovery the most was "if their mother believed them".
Crikeys.

Apparently this is from research into recovery from childhood SA.

This does not mean that you cannot recover to live your best life, if you don't have this.

Some references / supports including Blue Knot:
~ 1800RESPECT Helpline. The Psychs there spent countless hours supporting me to support my children. Googling things with me on the phone, they were AWESOME. They're there for you too.
~ a Counsellor, who's the BEST lol
~ Dr Joe Dispenza on "Rewiring Your Brain". He has tons on YT and freaking awesome books lol.

The other thing with THE most weight in research, correlates in all research I understand, is SELF CARE.
PTSD sufferers and SA survivors have better recovery journeys with SELF CARE. Kristen Neff on YT.
Brene Brown on YT + her books are amazing.

Love EM