Bad experience with police/reporting rape?

TimTams · ‎14-04-2019

Hi,

I am hoping to hear from other rape survivors in hope someone has been through what I have. When I reported my rape an officer encouraged me not to report 2 other assaults by this person because it sounded like "risky sex". This really hurt, because each time I was badly assaulted.

I am wondering is anyone else who has reported rape in Australia has had bad experiences with police like me? I am finding it really hard to understand why not all victims are given the chance to go to court due to 'not enough evidence' as well. Of course rapists will deny it and I just cannot understand how this is all the system does before closing a case.

Has anyone else struggled with not having 'enough evidence' to get a conviction and bad remarks from police officers?

This has really deeply affected my trust in society. It just feels hard to understand the world when you are raised to believe these things are wrong, yet police support the rapist.

Thank you for any insights.

I have felt very alone in this and was wondering if there are others out there who have had similar bad experiences when reporting their rape?

Doolhof · ‎19-04-2019

Hi Tim Tams,

There are some occupations I don't think I would ever be able to do: being a police officer, a Dr in an emergency ward and a funeral director for children's funerals.

I'm not condoning what happened to you at all, it is all very unfortunate and horrendous. Maybe the police are tired of taking any kind of case to court and having criminals walk free. Maybe because of that there may be instances where the Police don't pursue a case as they may feel it will not have a conviction. This is just a thought of mine and not an actual fact.

Yes, it does seem in many cases that the victim is well and truly the VICTIM in many different ways.

My hope for you is that in some way sharing here has helped you, that you know people out there in the world do care about what you have experienced.

Today I hope you are able to see a glimmer of hope on your horizon. The memories and the pain may always be with you. Hope can be as well.

Cheers from Dools

TimTams · ‎19-04-2019

I find it hard to use the word victim because of not having that confirmation. But today I read a lot about the "growth mindset". I am going to move beyond blaming police and my rapist now. I can not forgive my rapist, but I can let go of the bitterness. Thank you. I am tired of remembering how he treated me as inferior, treated me carelessly and as if I was not worthy or important. I do not feel the need to prove myself anymore. I am tired of having that family project their anger and blame toward me. I am going to enjoy my new purpose. I am lucky. Thanks Dool

Wait_what · ‎20-04-2019

Hey TT - success is whatever you want it to be. Let this spur you into living an awesome life your way - whether that's as a bazillionaire, a kind gentle yogi, a great writer, someone with compassion who helps others on a daily basis in a shelter, a world-class surfer, a mum or a favourite aunty. Whatever it is, know that this is just an experience that might help you help someone else at some point in time and you won't know until that moment is upon you.

I had an experience a couple of years ago, where I was able to help a family in a high profile murder case understand the trial experience and that the system is not a 'justice system', merely a legal one. It helped them better prepare themselves for what was to come. I would never have been able to do that, if I'd not gone through the hell of a trial previously.

Please do not allow yourself to feel unimportant because the 'system' didn't live up to expectation. It fails often. That sucks. But it says nothing about you, just volumes about itself. But that you had a 'go' in reporting means you're strong and you were prepared to draw a line. And maybe, just maybe, it might be the thing that contributes to a change in the next person's treatment. Every time one of us reports, it helps the next one in some tiny way. When there's enough of us, bigger things happen. That doesn't help you right now, but it helps overall.

You are perfect exactly as you are. Don't be a victim if it doesn't resonate or sit right (I don't like the word either). Be a survivor or a post-assault thriver. Don't feel like you've got to prove anything, you don't. Just be who you are, because that is enough. Treat yourself with the kindness and compassion that you might offer someone else who'd been through the same thing. Sometimes we forget to do that. But focus on you, not on 'them'. Do what you need to move through this. They aren't worth your time, but you are. You SO are.

TimTams · ‎20-04-2019

I think you said that really well. And 100% yes about it being a legal system not a justice system. I suppose the media is why people think they are entitled to 'justice' when in reality the courts, law, or law enforcers cannot/do not provide that. It seems really unfair and invalidating so many people who have been assaulted do not even get their time in court. But given the already long wait process, obviously they have to 'pick and choose'. I hope one day a better and more immediate system is found and that some kind of truth serum is invented so not having physical evidence (because there is obviously always other evidence) will not matter. Any scientists out there, do this for me cheers. But yes you are right I am not going to spend the rest of my life praying for change. Obviously these battles have been going on over many years and will still be going on for many more. I would not have reported if I could go back in time because of the comments I received by the family of the rapist and police. But it really would have helped me if the other woman had made an official police report to defend some of my claims. So maybe it will help a future person and when they don't receive punishment there is a fair chance they will reoffend. But...overall I still would not have reported. I wish now I kept quiet like many others do. Anyway, if anyone is going through something similar I would recommend reading a lot about the growth mindset (Carol Dweck). Thanks again, and I am really sorry for anyone else who has been through this struggle.

Doolhof · ‎21-04-2019

Hi TimTams,

Once again I am sorry for the way yo have been treated through this whole ordeal by many people by the sounds of it.

It is very unfortunate justice has not been done and the rapist has not expressed his regret. I also hope you are able to let go of any regret you have regrading any of your part in this story.

This has happened to you, you expected justice, it did not happen. Yo had the courage and the guts to stand up for yourself. For that you should be proud.

You have survived! Yes, you may be scarred and battle weary, but you have survived. That is a huge achievement.

You have shown courage and determination even though you did not receive the answers you expected.

Maybe your experience can help others somehow.

So for you, I thank you for having the guts to stand up and be counted! You tried. You are courageous!

Cheers to you from Dools

Guest5489 · ‎22-04-2019

Hi Tim Tams,

I was raped for years by my ex. There was never a "consensual" sexual relationship between us.

I asked for help from a police officer after I'd left and taken out an AVO. I asked if I could make a statement and he said "look, I wouldn't advise it, it'll make you come across as a trouble maker". He was disillusioned.

This was 2014 and my son was 6 months old and my daughter was 3.

I called Lifeline. They put me on to a women's service in my area. From there, things snowballed. I called every domestic violence agency I could find until someone would take me immediately. Fortunately, CASA could see me in a week. I got a social worker to advocate for me as well. I also got a mental health plan from my GP and went to a psychologist.

CASA helped me to understand when I was ready to talk to SOCIT (the sexual crimes police). My caseworker introduced me to an officer she believed would be a "match" with me. When I met the officer, she was a bit scary, a bit cold and calculating. She told me what my options were, and that she'd give me a couple of weeks to think about it.

It took me multiple days, and about 6 or so hours to make my statement.

I met with our Barrister. She told me that the DPP don't take cases unless they have a 75% prospect of winning. She said rape cases generally only have one eye witness - the victim, so it's difficult to corroborate evidence.

We went to trial in July in 2017. I testified for 6 days of a 3 week trial. I gave evidence via video link, with an angel from the Witness Assistance Service provided by the DPP.

It took the jury 3 days to come to a verdict. Guilty on 12 counts of rape, and 3 counts of forcing a person into, or to remain in prostitution.

He was sentenced in December of 2017 by our female judge who couldn't hide her disdain of him. He was sentenced to 24 years and 1 month, with parole possible in 16 years - but only on the provision that he shows remorse. He was placed on the sex offenders register for life, and had to supply a DNA sample. It barely made a ripple in the headlines because of the suppression order. I wish it had. It set a very high precedent for sentencing in the future. I wanted women to know that there was hope.

Please don't give up hope. Can you talk to the SOCIT in your area? I'm in Victoria too, and I'm just wondering if you are able to travel further out to access CASA if you're in the city?

I am thinking of you, and I hope you find a way to get the reckoning you deserve.

Copacabana · ‎28-04-2019

Hi TimTams... I am 100% with you!!

I have been doubly traumatised by police and I have vowed never to ever seek their help with anything. I was burglared, stalked, physically assaulted and raped, emotionally and verbally abused by my assailant and the police did not move a finger to assist. Thankfully, a detective (the only one that believed me) suggested I go to court to get a restraining order which I did. Not that it stopped the stalking!!! I became hysterical when he came once again and again to harrass me.

I have now lost faith and trust in the institution that is meant to uphold the law and justice. One of the detectives who interviewed the assailant told me "he's a nice guy!" How can one cope with this? What do you reply to such a insensitive, idiotic remark!!! It's been two years and I an still reeling! Forget CASA or WAYSS ... there is so much incompetence, lack of knowledge and psychology!!

I have seen countless psychologists who I realized quickly have no experience as they each have their specialty... This is very common I find when an experience I had a few years ago visiting a cardiologist who has no idea about the cardiovascular system!! An impossible fact!!! But...it is true. They zero into one branch of the profession and claim to be a specialist in that profession.

So, TimTams, I decided I was going to do nothing at all. I don't like what the experience has done to me physically and emotionally. BUT I am strong and I will carry on as best I can. Sometimes it is difficult I must admit but... tomorrow the sun rises again..

Best wishes.

TimTams · ‎29-04-2019

Guest5489,

I really, really wish your story was raised in the headlines too. I could really have used stories like yours. I read the news regularly and there are too many stories that support abusers and downplay victims which make me really upset. I wish the media and law realised what this is doing to victims. Everyone's role has an effect on a wider scale. Police might not be able to do anything about the sentencing in court but their role does contribute. Same with the media. But they all pass it off and blame it on the court that there is no chance it will win. Their role is just as important and they should not just pass it off to the statistics of the courts. They should all push to have cases sentenced like yours.

I am 100% so glad for you that you got this. Like, really really glad.

Can I ask you do you still feel confusion and distrust toward police today?

Even after meeting police officers who are somewhat understanding after having a first incident like that do you still struggle?

Thank you for letting me know your story, thank you so much. I am really struggling with it and struggling to feel safe around police.

TimTams · ‎29-04-2019

Hey Copa,

Your situation is where I currently am, exactly. It is disgusting how a number of people allow the real victims to be placed in this situation and I absolutely abhor it.

I went to the workplace of the person who abused me as he was a FIFO worker and naturally communication happened after hours from his "workplace".

Instead I ended up with a DVO against me for asking these people for help. Despite the fact he physically assaulted and raped me.

I am not that worried anymore because at the end of the day I know he knows every little thing he did to me. He might claim domestic violence happened to him but compared to the emails I sent to his workplace and other begging them for help - at the end of the day I remember how he physically hurt me. And I am sure, so does he.

The process did not help me either. But I rest assured knowing that he knows what he did to me and has to live with that, and having nearly killed someone. I pity him for having to live a life like that. And today I pity police for letting him.

I am glad you managed to get an order against him. I also tried when he called me before a hearing, but I withdrawed when my lawyer said I would have to be in court near him. Unfortunately these things are also heavily abused. And they can only aggravate the abusive person more as it did in my situation.

TimTams · ‎29-04-2019

Copacobana-

In terms of CASA and counselling etc I somewhat agree. I was lucky and recently had one very good mental health clinician help me.

CASA would not help me because after a year on their waiting list I am no longer "in immediate danger".

I was referred to another program called Gateway Health but again have been waiting for a very long time.

I have been waiting longer than 12 months for public assistance and paid for about 4-5 private sessions on my own costing a lot of money. After that I stopped too.

In a way I do live in a world that only I feel like I am in. Nobody can understand the pain even these people who think they can. It is one of those things that unless it has happened to you, people have absolutely no idea.