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Advice please... I am lost.

Community Member

Trigger warning:

I was attacked by my partner unexpectedly. They have never shown signs of any aggression before this happened. We just came from a bar (my partner's drink may have been spiked). 

 I don't know what to do next.

A few months after, I went out with a friend who I trusted. I'm usually a cautious person but I trusted my friend. I only had two beers that night but that was all I remember. I know I had about a 12 hour window where I don't remember anything but I keep getting snippets and flashbacks that I somehow know are linked to that night. 

I get flashbacks of those incidents often. Just after the blackout, I would wake up either crying or screaming and shaking, drenched in sweat. That lasted for two months, almost every night when I was completely alone in a boarding house. I still get really nervous expressing this and I'm far more cautious of the world now. I feel like I have to be vigilant all the time and on my guard. 

Along with this, I moved countries for work but I was made redundant there due to mismanagement, I became homeless, experienced financial hardship (unemployed for a year), had a threat of armed robbery, had malaria, and severe food poisoning. I lost count the amount of times my life was genuinely in danger.

All of this happened overseas and within 6 months.

I'm now back home and feel sick to my stomach most of the time. I find it very hard to find meaning here when everything is easy, and I have people around me genuinely care for me and can provide for me, instead of being alone overseas. I don't know what to do. I feel so lost. I see a psychologist next week though, I hope that might help.

1 Reply 1

Community Member

Hi there,

I am so sorry you have gone through those experiences. To be hurt by someone who is not normally violent can be very jarring and shocking. It can definitely make you feel like you don’t know what to do next. 
And then the second experience sounds so difficult also. I can’t imagine how that makes you feel. I want to acknowledge your courage for sharing all this here, despite being nervous about it.

You’ve had so much happen since then, so many difficult things, it’s not really a surprise that you’re feeling so anxious and cautious of the world. Trauma can be very numbing, in that numbing ourselves and not allowing ourselves to feel can be a way of coping. 
I am glad you are seeing a psychologist. That takes courage too, and I’m proud of you! I wonder if you have anyone in your life, someone who cares for you and that you can trust, who might listen to your story or your feelings. Sometimes, just speaking them out can really help.