Acceptance after a car accident and injury

[East26]

I was involved last November in a car accident while responding to a volunteer situation.

My arm got severely injured. I have had a surgery and I am due for one in a couple of weeks and another down the track. All up, I was told it will take me up to two years, with little chance of regaining full motion. 
i have lots of trouble accepting the time frame, and in a way I think the extend of the injuries. I am active and all of a sudden, I need help for the basic things. 

i also have trouble dealing with the volunteering which I can’t do fully. I love that part, i love the people. Seeing all this and knowing I can’t do it just breaks me. 
My husband is part of the organisation too so I can’t disconnect completely, even for a little while. 

My husband says “i am not fun”. I know I have bad and good days, which is normal.  This will change me I know. I know that done things will need to change but I can’t seem to accept my injury and what it means, not only now but for later. 

[Eagle Ray]

Dear East26,

I'm so sorry to hear of what you've recently been through with the car accident and injury. I imagine what you are processing now is a mixture of shock and grief to do with the sudden nature of being in an accident and the challenges now presenting from the injury. It is so understandable to be feeling vulnerable.

I would say that while acceptance may be part of it, the timeframe and longer term impact of injuries are not always known for sure. It is often best to take things a day at a time and sometimes the improvements are greater than initially predicted.

You may find griefline helpful who deal with a range of losses in life and ways of managing them:

griefline.org.au

1300 845 745

I wonder if there is a way to still enjoy a connection with the volunteering even if you cannot fully participate, or if there are some roles you might be able to pick up as you heal, even if not fully what you were doing before?

I think at the moment you don't need to worry about being fun for anyone. Feeling down as you try to come to terms with a new normal is hard and different emotions can come up and that's ok. Also, coming to terms with a stressful experience and a loss of any kind is a process that is different for each person. There is no correct timeframe or one way of processing a loss and accident. So it is ok to feel your way and just go gently and gradually at your own pace as you are recovering.

I also wonder if any counselling support is offered through the volunteer organisation you are with? Or otherwise whether a referral from your GP to a psychologist with experience in counselling someone with an injury may be helpful? Sometimes it even helps to find a good psychologist first and then ask your GP for a referral that gives you up to 10 Medicare subsidised sessions.

Those are only suggestions. Finding others who have been through what you're going through may be beneficial too. It often helps just connecting with people who get it and you can learn from how they have coped with an injury who are further along in the process.

I wish for you a good recovery and the best possible resources going forward. I have learned from my own experiences that there are often quite a few approaches to healing the body and you sometimes have to quest a bit to find the right approach for your particular situation, but it can be well worth it and sometimes you find a treatment approach that you weren't made aware of at the beginning that turns out to be very helpful.

Take good care,

Eagle Ray

[Croix]

Dear East26~

I've been thinking for while about how to tell you something without you finding it negative, I hope I've succeeded, I want you to feel encouragement and that hope is reasonable.

First off two things:

1) I heartily endorse all of Eagle Ray's answer to you , it is spot on in all respects.

2) The fun returns.

I used for a while to work with people that had recently had accidents and had just been discharged to go home. My job was to find ways of making their lives easier -or even possible - by themselves.

There was a problem in that things were too fresh, and dominating in their mind was the way life had been up until the accident, and the shortcomings and inabilities suddenly thrust on them. As you would understand this lead to worry about the future, frustration wiht the present, and inability to do what could be done before (and for some being grumpy:(

Despondency and lessening of motivation were there.

I later had the same job wiht those who had longer to get used to the idea of physical limitations -both large and small. Their overriding desire now was to 'get the job done' - be it shopping - study - going to a football match or any one of umpteen things.

As a result they were open to learning new skills, or using new equipment, and not reinventing the  wheel, but conversing with those who had similar problems to see what they had come up with.

Instead of feeling defeat at not being able to do something they had done before, they now felt accomplishment at having learned and having bypassed those shortcomings.

They were in effect slightly different people, still with the same interests, ambitions and humor as before, but just realizing how good they were at dealing with life (and less grumpy:)

Yes, some patience is involved, though even now there may be ways you can enjoy the companionship of those you knew in the volunteering area.

Hang in there, life can be good again, You can grow into it physically and mentally. I've seen it so often I can say this with confidence. I'm not just mindlessly painting a rosy picture.

I would very much like to know how you get on if you felt like saying

Croix

[East26]

Dear Eagle Ray and Croix,

Thank you very much for your responses. I wanted to post for a while but I could never have found the courage. Even today, it feels like being an entitled person since it is “just “ my arm. I feel guilty asking for help when I know a lot more people have lost a lot more in similar situations. 

In regards to the volunteering, it is a case of others go and I have to stay. There are other help i could potentially provide but it feels useless. I have gone from active member to sideline, through no fault of anyone there, just circumstances. 

I can access support through the volunteer organisation however I don’t know how confidential or non- judgemental it is. Meaning that, what if they say that I am not fit anymore to do what I do. This will be a blow, because today, that volunteer organisation is part of what drives me to get better. Losing it is an unimaginable. 

At the moment, I have to find the will to do things. I am doing physio ans planned and seriously,  and I know I have more surgeries planned. The next one in two weeks. I can’t seem to “project” myself even a month from now. I just don’t know if there is ever going to be day when the accident and injury is not “my whole day”. 

[Croix]

Dear East26~

Of course you are very entitled to talk here about what has happened to you. It is not 'just' an arm, it is the upheaval of your whole life, plus physical damage plus surgery and worry about your job. And at the moment you are right in the middle of it wiht more surgery to come and a period after htat when things heal and strengthen.

As for not being able to 'project' yourself in the future or find the will to do things that is hardly surprising, in fact to be expected. Your accident came out of the blue  and underlines life can be uncertain. Plus you are still in the middle of it all.

I suspect you are jumping bridges before you come to them with your possible fitness or otherwise for your current role after things have settled down. In any case any medical treatment is confidential and you have to sign a release before anyone can get results. I would think it will come down to you to use your own judgment to make any decisions.

The time will certainly come, and is not really that far off when your accident will not occupy all your thoughts or rule your day.  While I realise you cant 't do the work you did before at the  moment do you have enough physical resources (i.e. energy) to do something less taxing and different. For example is there scope to do some work on the phone, or make up rosters or .... well it is up to your imagination. As a bridging distraction it might help, and be useful too.

Please remember you are right in the middle of it all at the moment as well as needing physical help for a while yourself and that influences how you think.

Croix

[Eagle Ray]

Dear East26,

I very much agree with Croix that you shouldn't feel guilty asking for help. It is incredible how much difference an arm injury can make and it is often only when we have such an injury we realise how difficult previously easily executed tasks become. You have had to suddenly make adaptations and that is hard for anyone to do.

If you are concerned about how the volunteer organisation will view your injury if you seek support there, in terms of how they may view your capacity post-injury, you may prefer to seek some counselling support externally. It is probably too hard to see or imagine right now, but I have found setbacks and losses of functionality that have led to me losing my capacity in work situations have opened up doors in other ways. Sometimes something new evolves out of adversity, even though of course we wish that adversity never happened.

I can understand the injury would feel all-consuming at present, but I think as Croix suggests there will come a time where that will shift. I'm wondering if not trying too hard to project into the future and seeing if you can find small things in your day now that help you to feel a little better may help? Even something like watching some favourite movies or any small tasks you can do that help you to feel like you've achieved some things. Recovery and healing can be such a gradual process, but sometimes by being present in the here and now and just taking one step at a time, that incremental healing occurs. Then it is possible to look back and see the changes and improvements.

Feel free to keep posting about how you are going and feeling if it helps.

Take care and sending best wishes,

Eagle Ray

[VinVerifyREVS]

I echo Croix's sentiment that seeking help shouldn't induce guilt.  Focusing on small, achievable tasks and staying present in the moment can aid in the gradual healing process.

Best wishes

[East26]

Thank you very much all for your support.

I have had my second surgery. I have started active and passive physio.
I am told that I am responding to physio very well. There is a progress every week which helps with the mental side of things. 
Mentally, still hard to process the timeframe. The good news I guess is I was told they are aiming for an 18 months recovery now, as opposed to the original 24, because of the rate of progress I am having. 
I still have my good days and bad days. I am highly motivated to put the work in to get better but I can't lie and say that I did not wish all of this didn't happened. 

Two more surgeries planned. One within 6 months and the next within a year. 
It sounds selfish, but despite all the help that people offer for which I will always be grateful, I have never felt so alone in my life. 
I am ticking small goals, sometimes things i never knew I missed. 
I know it is up to me to find that solution and work towards goals, no one else. I am determined to get there. But I also know that is taking its toll. 

[Eagle Ray]

Dear East26,

It is wonderful you are making good progress. It’s also really understandable that it’s taking its toll too. I think there can be a kind of grieving with any kind of loss, including a loss of physical functionality with an accident. I think it’s really ok to feel and acknowledge that. It’s not selfish but humanly normal to feel that sense of loss. It is good news that the timeframe is now less for recovery. I think just go gently, one step at a time, and be kind to yourself. We are here to listen if you need to express how you are going/feeling along the way.

Take care,

ER

[Croix]

Dear East26~

I guess you have had all the logical things told you -that you are recovering well, that the physio and you other medical people are more than satisfied, and while two more operations may be necessary, at least they are there as a path to better things.

Plus you are managing - wiht difficulty it is true, to do what you absolutely need despite the injury.

I'm not sure that is enough. You said you felt isolated, and I'm wondering if it is because of  distance with your husband. It really is not for him to say 'you are no longer fun'. Firstly who would expect you  to be? And secondly it does sort of imply part of you relationship had relied on your being fun for him, when in fact it should  be based simply on care, with fun as the icing on the cake so to speak.

Mind you for an entirely different reason I would suggest, in the same way as you do your exercises with determination, you work on the side of life that is fun too. Not for your husband, but for you.

It can be as simple as playing wiht a pet, watching a movie, listening to a comedian on YouTube - you would have a much better idea than my suggestions.

If you can manage some of that it 'sidesteps' acceptance of you physical condition - something nobody would realy be able to do at this stage - and put your mind to other happier things.

Ups and downs are to be expected - as you pointed out - but the more ups the better. I have a set of permanent disabilities and they can be hard to accept, particularly if I dwell on them. Fun and teasing play an important role in my well being

The cat regards me with deep suspicion, as part of my 'fun' it to tickle it while it is enjoying a snooze.

Croix