A flying monkey or possible friend

[Orangeicy]

A little over 7months ago I left a group of friends after we let in a narcissist who gradually pushed me out.

This person used all the classic tactics like triangulation, projection, never speaking directly to me etc.

Had the other group members convinced that I wasn't worth the friendship. So when I spoke up about how I felt like there had been a shift they all stonewalled me.

I left. They've all ignored me these past months. Crossing the road if they saw me, avoiding eye contact. The narc herself is the only one who has walked past me with a smirk on her face looking directly at me.

Fast forward to the last 2 weeks. Suddenly a member of the group is acknowledging me, saying hi and talking. Surface level, but still.

She seemingly isn't in the group any longer.

I was and am very hesitant. This person was the one I considered the best friend of the group. Also the one who broke my heart the most. I'm sort of stuck between hoping she has realised what went down, maybe she got similar treatment. Or - its part of the game with the narc sitting as a big spider pulling the strings.

The rest of the group, who've been ignoring me for months are now glaring my way. I've never seen anybody look with such hate in their eyes as when they looked.

Maybe they think I told her my version of a narrative they tried so desperately to control..even if I haven't.

Being a scapegoat regardless to what I have or haven't done.

And I just don't know if I should risk letting this person back in. I miss what was, but maybe I am just thinking back to the golden days before she was so easily duped by the narcissist and gladly left me behind.

I am an introvert, a people pleaser and find it extremely hard making friends. Maybe that's why it has this pull on me.

I have been thinking that IF I was to reconnect with this friend it has to start with an open talk about the fact that she hurt me and that I will be needing a policy on honesty and openness. But still very hesitant whether or not I should bother, if it's safe.

[Croix]

Dear Orangeicy~

I remeber as far back as last September this horrible situation had been upsetting you and hard to deal  with. When many people turn away it is had not to blame yourself at least in a part - something that is  obviously undeserved here.

Yes some peole have the ability to sway and poison others, a sad fact of life. And now you are facing that hard question of if you should accept someone back after they shunned you for months.

if I was in this situation - being a sensitive person who is easily hurt at the best of times, I'd be cautious and regard this person now as an acquaintance rather than a friend - at least for a fair while. This might have the result you do not have a heart-to-heart talk about what has happened (unless they bring it up)  until such time as you feel you can trust them - particularly as the truth will have an element of criticism of them.

While I guess anyone may be allowed one mistake I'd find it hard to accept the lack of affection, empathy and loyalty that was missing while you were being ostracized.

Perhaps, as has been suggested before, a whole new set of acquaintances might be something to aim for.

Croix

[Orangeicy]

Thank you for your thoughts on this.

You are spot on describing the doubt - trusting someone who had no problem pretending I didn't exist for months..that's what is getting to me I think. Thinking why?

But as much as I want to know the answer to that question I think I have to be patient and see if she stays at bay or wants to rekindle the friendship.

My partner tells me he sees this as her extending an olive branch and I should just make friends. Reckons I am stupidly stubborn for not just going back seeing she so clearly is sorry...all I'm thinking is she hasn't apologised. Hasn't even mentioned the fact that she iced me for months.

And then again doubting my own feelings. Knocking myself for being too sensitive.

[white knight]

Welcome,

As Croix suggested, treat the friend as an acquaintance for some time yet. I'd also suggest you branch out to meet new friends. All your eggs in one basket isnt a good idea.  Good luck

TonyWK 

[Orangeicy]

White Knight.

I have been connecting with others. For these 6 months I've been reading, learning about myself and my triggers and really felt I was starting to understand.

I think it was the unexpected acknowledgement of me by her that completely threw me off. Like I don't know where to "put" it if that makes sense

[Croix]

Dear Orangeicy~

Yes it does make sense, and it's probably unrealistic to expect to know 'where to put it' until time has passed and you have had more to do with this person

As for your partner saying 'just make friends, perhaps he has less to lose than you, who are sensitive and could be greatly hurt. If there is danger then caution is sensible.

Croix