My wife has split behaviour

[Nurhos]

It is about my wife. I got married about 2 and half yrs back. This is my 2nd marriage and my wife is 25 yrs old. I brought her to Australia from India. Before marriage we had about 20 days to know each other and the marriage was an arranged marriage with my wife's full concern. Before I got married to her I told her and her family that I had an incident in my life which was my first marriage. Shortly I described as it is very short marriage and I was a kind of cheated by that family. However, after I sponsored my first wife to come to stay with me in Australia I came to know that she was engaged with somebody and she could not live without him. Eventually after a few months of stay she left and went back to India. Since this after another 4 yrs I got married to my current wife. Before marriage I did not talk about all the details of my first marriage as it is meaningless to me. After marriage the first month I stayed in India and then came back to Australia. After a few days of my departure one of my relative shared with her that my first wife came to Australia. By knowing this my current wife became very angry and burst into anger. She phone me and asked for divorce. I was shocked as to me I was a married person that clarifies everything whether I had slept with her or bought a gift for her. Truly I stayed with my first wife in India for about a week or more. In about 4-5 months time I saw her again when I brought my mom back home in India. My mom came to visit me. Since my current wife came to know that my first wife came to Australia she is restless whenever she has any chance she bullies me for this. She says I am fraud as I did not tell her every bits of my first marriage. I told her that it was my past and I did not find any importance to tell you every details as it was just a past. Beside for very silly things she abused verbally. For example recently she was with me when I went to see my physiotherapist. After we were done with the lady physiotherapist while we were coming out of her office my wife started screaming at me. It was so sudden I could not follow her. However, finally I realized that it was due to the check up and treatment given by the therapist. In other words, my wife was trying to tell me that I am not a good person, I enjoyed when the therapist was checking my upper back and lower back. I have been very dishonest to her since marriage. I intentionally took an appointment with a lady therapist. By the way the therapist was in the public hospital and no way I had any opportunity to determine who will see me. After coming home she became violent and starting pushing me and throwing stuff. She damaged the wall of our bed room by throwing the oil heater. When she verbally abuses me I hardly can tolerate and accept that. I became very stressed and feel helpless. For very silly reason she will start this behaviour and finally after 1-2 days she will be normal. When she is normal she is a very lovely wife who takes care of me more than my mom I would say. She will fed me before she eats. She will not allow me to do anything. But when for some reason this episode starts I just get lost and think what can I do to stop her. Usually after a very long sleep she becomes normal. She denies to see any mental expert. If I try to talk about it she becomes unhappy and says that I do not love her. I really love her but have reached at the bottom of my patience. Can anyone please help me to let me know that whether this is kind mental disorder or so? I do not have any kids from my former or current wife. My current wife had a miscarriage about a year back.

Thank you very much for reading my issue.

[Hayfa]

Hello Nurhos
I am sorry to hear about the difficulties you are encountering with your wife, it sounds like at times it gets quite intense and extremely difficult to handle the verbal and physical abuse and if this isn't addressed, your well-being will continue to be negatively affected.
Is there any close friends or family members that you can talk to you? Does your wife have a close friend that may be able to talk to her and help her work through these issues, perhaps even if there is a friend that may be able to explain the benefits of just visiting a GP for a consultation.
Your wife may be open to conversation about this with someone close, she may share her feelings and thoughts differently than she would with you because it seems that she is pointing her anger at you over the first wife issue, and this seems to be causing her insecurities such as the event after the physiotherapy visit.
It also sounds like she needs reassurance that she is the one now and your former wife is not in the picture anymore.
I wonder if there are any Indian counsellors or peer supporters that both of you may be able to visit together that might help in discussing and working through the issues.
From what you have said you have been marvellous in trying to understand what your wife is feeling, and you are trying to stay tolerant.
Thank you for sharing with beyondblue, and remember that there are always people here who can give you excellent support whenever you feel like sharing.

[J_M_12345]

Dear Nurhos,

Thank you for sharing this with us. I'm sorry to hear that you are going through this tough time, and that you are facing problems in your relationship. Sometimes couples who face issues in a relationship may find relationship counselling helpful, where you and your wife can discuss the problems with a trained professional. However this would require your wife to agree, and I'd advise you to speak with her not when she is angry, but when she feels calm. Perhaps then you can address the avenue you want to take to solve the problems in your relationship.

In my opinion, I think the first step to solving a problem is acknowledging there is one in the first place. It seems that you have done this already by posting here, so well done. Now it is up to your wife to also acknowledge there is an issue. Again, open and honest communication is a good way to do this, especially when she is calm.
You mentioned you were concerned if your wife's violent behaviour is a symptom of mental illness. Sometimes mental illnesses can cause violent behaviour. However violent behaviour alone when angry may not indicate an illness and she could just be very angry and not know how to express it. If you are concerned she has a mental illness, it would be a good idea to talk to your GP, if possible, with your wife. This is easier said than done, I know, because there is a lot of stigma surrounding mental illness, but if you do suspect she is ill then like a physical illness it should be treated. However the best person to make that judgement is a medical professional.

Even if she is not diagnosed with a mental illness however, it may still be a good idea to see a psychologist or counsellor to help her with how she can express her concerns. As Hayfa said, she may be insecure about your relationship and unsure whether your ex-wife is still in the picture. She may also still feel hurt that you didn't tell her all the details of your previous relationships. This are all valid feelings, and it is important that you show her that what she feels is real and valid. But the way to express this should not be through hurting you or abuse, and so it is really about learning the best way you two communicate. Again, mental health professionals and other relationship counsellors may be of help with that.
Finally, regarding your mental health, it sounds like you are worried and tired of dealing with the abuse. It is crucial you stay mentally well and take care of yourself.

Josette