Mother in law and husband

[Ashy29]

I've been married for 4 years and since the day I met my husband, I had issues with our relationship. i'm coming from an Asian background. my husband is the only child in his family. his father died many years ago, and his mom married another person. but she doesn't share the same house with that person anymore, because of her bossy qualities. when we first started our relationship, and planning to get married (9 years ago), we had to tell it our parents and get permission. at that time his mom, cried till she can't breath, and rejected me. she refused to give permission. but my husband didn't give up, she influenced her as much as he could, and somehow got permission. then we got married and I came to Australia to stay with him. we bought a 2 bed room apartment for us at that time. only after the wedding I found out the connection between my husband and his mom. he calls her 4,5 times every day. share all the pictures we take here and share them with her. so, we don't have any privacy in our marriage life because, he talks every bits and pieces with her everyday. sometimes he doesn't come to the bed in the night, because keeps talking with his mom over the phone.

while we were newly weds and when we were in that tiny apartment, his mom also wanted to come and stay with us for 6 months. that was 5 months after the wedding. I really couldn't believe what's going on. that was a decision between my husband and his mom. I couldn't do anything so had to just keep quite. so she came here, and as expected started to interfere in to our lives. she started to give me commands and I had to obey her. during those 6 months, we had no privacy. sometime she didn't even close her bedroom door. we never couldn't go out without her. never couldn't go to any parties because she gets angry. I cried many days, my huband's answer was "she is old and we can't change her nature", I can't forget the way she raised me up a single mom", "we are here because of her money". so this thing kept happening. for the last four years of our marriage she visted 3 times , and stayed 6 months each time. now she wants to come back again end of this year. I can't go through the same thing again and again. its never easy to talk with my husband, and sort out things, as he becomes violent when he gets angry.he also controls my money, I tried to walk out from marraige, those times he says he really needs me. I don't know weather I should stay married or not.

[white knight]

Hi Ashy, welcome

Ultimately it is your decision whether to stay or leave. I don't know if you have a job or not eg your own income.?

If you do and you decide to leave you can open you own bank account and have your income there for yourself.

It is a cruel and uncomfortable situation to be in. Your Mother In Law is controlling and prefers to have her son to herself. My mother 33 years ago did similar, played up one week before the wedding and ruined it. So, what can you do?

I can say that I would not tolerate her staying with you both one night let alone 6 months. I wouldn't tolerate your husband managing the finances either. Does he think marriage is slavery, because in this modern world marriage isn't like that.

I think by a trial separation (again your decision) would highlight to him your dissatisfaction in your marriage. You might need to organize your wages to go into a separate account first for a week or two then leave. You might be able to find temporary accommodation through organisations like the Salvation army or similar. Try human services. Report to Centrelink for any assistance.

Good luck and be brave. Tony WK

[Croix]

Dear Ashy29~

I'm very sorry you are in this situation. It can be very hard to have perspective and know what should be done. So coming here is a good idea, you'll hear other peoples' views.

For me a marriage is a partnership where there is love and each person wants to look after the other person and give them the best life possible. Each knows the other is there for them and can rely upon them.

The way you have set things out that simply is not happening. Despite being very unhappy with having your mother in law in the house, and being ordered round, your husband is not siding with you, quite the opposite.

In fact he seems obsessed with her, it is not normal to be in contact constantly like that, and there has to be privacy, what happens between husband and wife should not be shared with anyone else unless both parties are happy with doing so.

Having your money controlled is simply not on, it is yours and that is that. By the sound of it your husband is using it as a means of controlling you and keeping you from going away. Saying he realy needs you when things get so bad you walk out is not really enough. It is just words. Looking after you and making sure your life is OK is what should have happened.

As Tony says a a trial separation may make a difference, you would have a better idea than anyone what is realistic.

Whatever you decide I'd suggest you contact our 24/7 Help Line on 1300 22 4636. They can let you know what support services are in you area, they can let you know what options you have.

You are not alone and are welcome here anytime

Croix

[Donte]

Hello Ashy29,

Welcome to this multicultural experiences forum. It seems like a terrible predicament you are in. No wonder you are distressed. Nobody should have to put up with this type of abuse no matter what background they’re from.

It seems like your husband needs to divorce his mother in order to commit to his marriage with you. Not sure why he married you really. He seems very immature and codependent to his mother. The classic Oedipus complex -I.e. mummy’s boy.

If you could try and get some legal advice would be great. I’d leave him ASAP if I was you. Life’s far too short to put up with abusive situations like these. You deserve better. Let him enjoy his mother. It seems he loves her more than you. There are millions of people around who would love you and cherish you without treating you like a second class citizen. I wouldn’t put up with this even for a day if I was in your predicament. X

[Donte]

Great advice Tony.

thumps up!

[Ashy29]

Dear All,

Thanks a lot for your views. those comments made my day. yes I'm working as an accountant and I have my own income. my salary goes to the joint account, I have tried so many times to have my own personal account, but my husband didn't allow that. before end of the year, I'm going to decide weather I'm staying with him or leaving him. best to be single than getting hurt everyday by people we love.

[white knight]

Thanks for your appreciation Ashy.

I think you biggest revelation is that it is highly likely his bond with his mother wont change. The many phone calls to her daily, his ownership of finances and him allowing her to stay for such long periods. He and her is the marriage.

You could move in to a place as shared rent. That way you dont have to find a bond and furniture except a bed.

To make sense if your MIL google

Queen witch hermit waif

Good luck and repost anytime

Tony wk

Her control

[Donte]

Hello Ashy29,

It’s lovely that you have a timeline in your mind. Setting a date may help. And getting professional help, like counseling, to develop strategies to help you reach this goal. Otherwise, you may get to the end of the year and find that you are not ready still.

Do you have a support system to access? Someone to talk to? Get some advice? His behavior sounds very abusive. It’s not easy being in a codependent relationship as there are also great times together with the bad and it can be confusing. Hope you can seek help in the process. X