It's just not working out

[Caitlin40]

I am a 39 year old South African who has moved to Australia 18 months ago. It hard! Harder than I thought and in ways I could never have imagined. 

I moved for my kids to have a better education and for us all the be safe. I have a working visa but it will be a long time before I'm a permanent resident (4 1/2 years), this means I am in limbo in the meantime as I don't feel like I belong. 

Pile on the fact that as a South African we are known to be friendly but efficient and no nonsense  ie direct. I also have high functioning anxiety for all my life (abused as a kid). 

All of this in S A didn't seem to be an issue. If I was stressed I'd take anxiety meds, and if I was a little short at work, because of my position it would be brushed off, I'd appologise and we would all move on. Sometimes the general manager has to Crack the whip, it's part of the job. I was never rude or abusive. Now... in Australia, I feel like my entire identity has been beaten out of me. I spend 90% of my energy trying to be extra nice, extra friendly, and nothing gets done...so I do it myself, working 7 days a week to make deadlines without any support. Which of course means I'm achieving but I'm exhausted and can get snappy. I get insecure and i hear people talking about me in the office. Again, I appologise immediately after. I've now been fired essentially for not being nice enough, and every interaction has been twisted and misunderstood/represented to the boss. 

I dont know what to do...whats the point of being here. Achieving goals at the expense of being a push over and killing myself didn't even work, and not being a pushover is seen as being aggressive. I just can't win. 

I've given up everything and have nothing to go back to, plus I'd never get my children to come back with me (ex husband is here in australia) so I really have to stay, but will I ever fit in, how do I find a job where I can be myself, or just get a bit of understanding while I acclimatise. I am embarrassed about humiliated by being fired, a second time, after 4 months of probation at each despite achieving and surpassing goals, essentially because of my personality. I  know that I dont want to die but I certainly cant live like this anymore. I don't see any alternatives. 

[Sophie_M]

Hi Caitlin40,

Welcome to the Forums and thank you for posting. We are glad that you have found us here. It sounds like you are going through an incredibly challenging time right now and we hope this can be a great space to be able to share what you have been going through.

We can only imagine how intense the last 18 months have been for you. Any change can be enough to disrupt our sense of stability, let alone something as major as moving countries and having a negative experience at work.

Right now, it sounds like there are a lot of unanswered questions about what the future will look like which can be a really unsettling feeling. Stressful situations can certainly cause us to feel disconnected from our sense of self, too. Has there been anything that you have done lately that has given you a sense of connection to yourself?

Is there anyone that you feel able to discuss this in person with? Please know you can always give the Beyond Blue counsellors a call on 1300 22 4636 or speak to them on webchat here. 
 
We hope that you find our forums to be a safe and supportive space to talk through your thoughts and feelings. Our community is here for you 24/7.
 
Kind regards,  
Sophie M 

[Guest_29195343]

Hi there,

I am new to this forum (just joined today). I am Chinese Malaysian, which means I come from a culture of people who don't overshare, don't do small talks, and don't sugarcoat our words.

I have been feeling exactly like this since moving to Melbourne in 2022 - working overtime and not taking care of myself, trying to be nice all the time, apologising all the time, getting all misunderstood by people all the time.

They don't seem like big issues initially but after 2 years of repeated cycles, I realised that I am not as confident and gutsy as I used to be. I am also losing my sense of self, my purpose and life meaning, and my roots because I seem to be giving them away in hope that I could fit in.

And "fit in" i did not. My inability to integrate and assimilate myself with the people here and the new way of work here have also made me a social recluse, preferring the comfort of my own world, and in nature. I used to call myself an introvert, but now the honest and more correct term would be "fear of talking to strangers".

I am responding to this post because it is nice to know that I am not alone in this and i'd like for you to know that you are not too. I wish I had solutions to share that could help us both, but unfortunately I don't... 😞

[Caitlin40]

I think what we are facing is a clash of systems, not a reflection of our worth or capability.

Thank you for sharing your perspective as well. It's comforting to know there are others feeling similarly—it helps to know we’re not alone.

What’s been working for me, even if imperfectly, is treating the need to "fit in" at work as a skillset (like project management or some other skillset I've had to learn) rather than a personal failure or a personality change. I try to see it as learning a new language. But outside of work, I focus on staying true to myself. Building a support system of people who "get you" is so important. If local friendships feel too forced, that’s okay—expat communities can be a lifeline. The only real friends I have made have been expats, and thats okay! I’ve found South Africans especially to be warm, down-to-earth, direct and like-minded. 😊

At the end of the day, it’s about holding onto your core values while adapting just enough to navigate the professional landscape. It’s a balancing act, and you’re not alone in figuring it out. Sending strength and best wishes to you! 🌻