international student with depression

[black_doggie]

being an international student is just exhausting.

first of all im suffering from depression (since last month i was being diagnosed) and adhd.

it has always been hard to find somebody to talk with. i’ve tried to utilise free resources from my campus, like making appointments with my favourite teacher and the counsellor. but, u know, we all have our own lives, i can’t find them very frequently and talk about what’s going on in my life.

in fact i’ve got a lot of friends here. but most of them are like ' hi bye friends '. even the closest friend i’ve met here made me felt so hurt last week. she just don’t understand me having depression. she was just lecturing to me and thought i could understand a word when i felt really overwhelmed from my classes? no. definitely not. everything i need was space, listening and empathy but she didn’t even know. she thought giving advice would make me less unhappy. but that’s not the thing. i thought i can’t express my problems and negativity to anyone anymore, except those who are suffering from mental health disorders. or my close friends who really do listen and understand me.

i often do feel overwhelmed, stressed, depressed, and anxious in school (at that time i still haven’t diagnosed depression). this can be explained through my hard-working and serious personality. in addition to my tutor whom i’ve met her since my first year of secondary school, my negative thoughts started intensifying. she emphasised a lot about the public exam in my final year of secondary school life, whereas i still have got five years to go at that time. overtime, my depressed feelings triggered my suicidal thoughts, and i did self-harm, have frequent mental breakdowns, and have diarrhoea very often. and more. i was so out of control.

and my depressive feelings still continued after i start studying in aus. i was always alone as my closest friends are all in my home country. and english isn’t my first language. even though im finally blended into aussie life and am confident in using english, i still felt difficult at times which i couldn’t fully express my thoughts. and school has been really busy. and taking adhd medicine always increases my anxiety level. and often i just wanted someone to listen and hug me tightly but i don’t have one. so i ended up crying all night on bed very often. i’ve experienced difficulty in getting out of bed too as of immense stress and negativity.

yeah that’s just how i feel. thanku for reading till here 🙂

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Black Doggie,

You sound so disheartened, lonely & hurt. I can feel the sadness through your words...

I feel it would be so difficult being far away from your close friends in your home country. The geographical distance must be hard...

Yes, I agree that sometimes we just need someone to empathise when we are struggling. People often mean well & have kind intentions, but sometimes advice isn’t what a person really needs...

I just wanted to say that I’m reading along & feel for your loneliness and other struggles...

Thinking of you...

Kindness & care,

Pepper

[black_doggie]

hi pepper...

thanku so much for your reply. thanku for showing care to me, i truly need it... thanku for all your words...

idk but it's rare for me to smile from the bottom of my heart. i've always been feeling so stressful, anxious and emotional while having lessons. and i really cant offer trust to my friends who dont have any mental disorders. i just feel like so trapped most of the time... and im quite depressed today actually, cuz my friend suddenly said she's unable to have catch ups with me. my friend has mental disorders, and we originally planned to have a coffee meeting today to talk about each other's mental illnesses. and now i'm forced to keep my feelings stuck again.

actually i have appoinments with my counsellor, my favourite teacher and my psychologist soon - but sometimes when you just wanna vent your feelings at the moment, u just find it so frustrating and overwhelming. cuz u still have to keep your emotions deep in your heart anyway.

thanku so much again...

[Gizem]

Hey,

I think we are on the same boat here... I can totally relate to what you're going through right now. My GP diagnosed me with MDD (major depression disorder) last year. I was going through a lot, and being an international student with no family here doesn't help.

No matter how sociable of a person I am, and how many good people surround me, I realised not everyone knows how to deal with this and it's fine. I can say I successfully overcame my depression by myself however I knew that in very stressful times it can relapse. And it is happening now. I know I can go through this, I know I am strong, and my experience with depression made me mature a lot.

But my problem is my body. My body responds differently to stressful events and to conflicts with people. No matter how much my brain wants to let it go, I 'm overthinking, I feel sick in my stomach, tight jaw, wobbly legs, heart racing... my senses are so intense and overwhelming. All I want is to cry very hard because crying heals sometimes. But I can't even manage to do that. I am unable to cry.

I got emotionally abused by my employers and ended up losing jobs, paying 6k per trimester for education is hard, started to have health concerns I cannot afford here, I broke up with my boyfriend who left me alone 7 months ago and expected me to drop all my opportunities in Australia to go live in his country. I visited him in January and paid 2500 dollars only for the tickets just to please him. I haven't seen my family for 1.5yr and I have no idea when I'll be able to see them again. I am one term away from graduating with my master degree but all I want is to drop and leave.The list goes on but those are the main recent struggles. I hate complaining and whingeing because I should be grateful for what I have, but I need to vent and I feel like I can do it here.

I feel like I am always putting other people's happiness before mine. This makes me question my self-worth. Why am I here. Why am I doing this. I don't want to try hard anymore, I don't care about the future, I don't care about me or anything else at this stage. I just want to disappear.

Today I'm reaching out before I lose it. I just don't know what to do. I can't focus at one thing at a time. My head keeps spinning. I want to break everything 😞

Good luck to you, and to me. take care

[black_doggie]

hi gizem,

i feel so sorry about ur situation rn... it must have been tremendously hard to deal with all these stuffs away from your home country.

yeah the body always makes tricks to us. i do feel physically uncomfortable as well when i encounter stressful things, such as going to school (yeah it really makes me wanna leave school immediately and get away from all those things). in addition to my adhd medication, my body seemed to be worser (like diarrhoea, wanting to vomit, and shaky hands). my anxiety level just increases a lot.

it must have been really devastating to encounter all the hardships in workplace, as well as ur studies, relationship... wow. you’re so incredible to have gone through all these tough, tough days. you were so strong. i just don’t know... i just thought those events happened on u were so sad... awwwww... i know u still have heaps of depressed things in life but u’ve gone through them, that’s never easy. *sending lots of big hugs*

omg i can really relate on putting others as a priority! 😞 like u always find it guilty when u don’t care about others first, right? in fact, these days i’ve been trying hard to put myself as a priority, but it has always been hard to really do that. sometimes u just unintentionally forget about urself and just focus on others. awwww.

like u, my brain has always been spinning too - and it gets messy all the time. my mind was like 'idk' at all times. i get u. 😞

im glad u’re here today to vent - yeah, this is a really good place to talk about our mental health issues and stuffs. i just feel like being an international student is too overwhelming, in which u have to deal with studies, new life, and all unpredictable circumstances. it has always been frustrating and depressed to deal with loneliness. like feelings just get so trapped all the time. i know u’re going through hard life as an international as well - we’ll get through this.

nice to meet ya gizem, i hope to see u in the forum again 🙂

[Peppermintbach]

Hi black doggie (& Gizem),

Thank you so much, and you’re most welcome by the way. We’re all here to support each other 🙂

It’s lovely to hear from you again, & I’m glad Gizem has also replied with beautiful words of understanding and support. But I feel saddened that you’re feeling lonely, disappointed and hurt though...I sense your pain...

I feel for you...I think it can be nerve racking opening up to people who haven’t experienced mental illnesses...even with the best intentions, sometimes there are certain things that may be hard to understand if they haven’t experienced it personally...

It must have been disappointing that your friend had to cancel coffee. I think you had a lot of feelings and things that you wanted to talk about, but there was no real release for you at the time...

I think bottling up feelings, as you have been doing, can be painful...and I agree that sometimes we just need that immediate emotional release.

Thinking of you...

Kindness and care,

Pepper

[Philomena]

Hi Black Doggie

i can understand what you must be feeling and don’t feel you are alone anytime you wish to want someone to talk to you can get in touch with me for any help or support .

Try not to be alone go out meet friends talk to them. Each day is a blessing make use of it to be happy and think others in the world today are suffering much more than you. 

Get involved and occupied in something that interests you.

stay happy.