I want to smile so badley

[JazzK]

I havent smiles in a long while and i cant remember how i laugh. Last time i did both it felt good but when u get questioned so u feel quitly what you have done has put me in such a dark spot which should be ther best years of my life. My main issues are partner relationship problems but as of recent the one person i thought i could say anything too my bestfriend has gone mental at me and blaming me for conveying a story of the past and that vrought up issues for her which i was the rebound. Its so hard t9 not be able to talk to anyone. When i get yelled at or put down i just feel like self harming. The thoughts are there but never since being a newly mother i havent self harmed. My partner priotises his friends and addictions and ditches me even when it comes to family friends. I had so many chats saying i just want to be loved and i want his company. Being a mum i dont want to be a huge social butterfly as i want to be a family too. I just want therr to be a balance. I strongly believe people need space and have timr to themselve or friends but when its so much from his side i just feel like a only parent. Theres so much on my mind i just want to be able to smile and be happy again. Im not confortable in my skin anymore and sometimes i jist dont want to be on earth anymore. Thankfully ny daughter has a beautiful energy and surrounds me with love and pure white light. Can anyone help me. Im so lonely i just want to speak to anyone

[Hayfa]

Hello JazzK

I am sorry to hear that you are going through a hard time right now.
From your post, I am sensing that you don't have anyone around you right now that you can spend good quality time with and talk to.
Is becoming involved in parent/child play groups something that can offer you a space to meet new people and share ideas and stories about parenting and other things?

Is the lack of sharing by your partner something that has always been the case or is it a new development since parenthood? Perhaps making plans for doing things together with the baby might be something your partner will consider, it could be as simple as taking a walk in the park with the pram.
I am sure your partner loves you very much but does he know how you are feeling and what you want? There must be some alone time that you both share at home, perhaps trying to have a talk together could help.

There are also many supports here on the beyondblue website that might be helpful including the main support line 1300 224636 if you felt you would like to talk to someone.
It can be very daunting when you are a new mother but you have a beautiful new child that you are enjoying so much and there are wonderful things that you can engage in to help you grow together such as social groups, community events and other local activities which you can find from your local council website.

It is important to look after yourself especially since you are a new mum, make sure you are trying to do everything you can to stay well.
I am glad you reached out here on the forums and there is always much support and great tips here from many wonderful people who care.
There are some great parent support groups also that you can reach out to that can offer great support and advice such as PANDA. Please check out their website and have a look at what they offer and especially the social connection opportunities.

I hope this helps.

Hayfa

[Donte]

Hello JazzK,

Welcome to the multicultural experiences forum. This is a safe, respectful forum which aims to share experiences and provide support from people who are experiencing similar challenges and issues. I’m so glad you’ve reached out in the midst of your difficult situation.

You’re a new Mum. Your partner is not able or willing to share the huge responsibility of raising a child and seems may need support to accept the life changes a child brings. Escaping in his addictions and friends and pretending everything is as it was is probably his way of dealing (or not dealing) with the inevitable stress parenting brings.

It’s understandable that you can’t be a social butterfly, as you clearly stated, and wanting to settle down and spend quality time, nurturing your family relationships and focusing on your beautiful child which gives you so much love and purpose and inspiration.

This is an amazing time in your life as a couple and one of the most challenging as dynamics are changing and so do priorities. Most couples face this dilemma when first becoming parents -keeping the relationship going but also facing the enormous changes a newborn brings . Often, no one prepares us for such a tremendous life change.

Wondering if you are able to access supports like parent groups, playgroups, family counseling and various resources like parentzone, Parentline, lifeline and the confidential chat lines BeyondBlue offers in this page.

It is not unusual for mothers to experience post-natal depression as the hormones in the body go heywire after giving birth. Also, conflict with the partner is common as they are trying to deal with all these changes in their own way. Especially if addictions are at play, as you mentioned, things can be very blurry and complicated.Often the addict has a relationship with their addiction and if you stop enable them and divert your attention to something else, in this case your baby, then they’ll become distant or aggressive towards you as their primary needs are not getting met. So, it’s of outmost importance to look after your self as a priority and then your baby. Your partner is a big boy and he’ll cope.

Unfortunately, unless your partner recognizes his issues and addictions and is willing to do something about it to improve things for his own and your sake and your baby’s sake, there’s nothing you can do apart from looking after your own health, your rest and peace of mind so you can be in a position to provide for your baby.

[JazzK]

I haven't replied to anyone on here and the reason ive let almost 3 weeks slide is because i have just felt so much anger. Not only anger i am ashamed, dissapointed but also scared for even being alive. And i have to stop suger coating why i am sad and its my partner making me feel so shit all the god damn time. I mean its easy to Say something but actions is a whole another world. And im not thinking avout me self im thinking about my baby too. I love my partner but i just feel like i cant please him. I clean i cook i give him space to recieve nothing but complains or his time with him. It absolutly annoys me he priotises his friends and addictions. I have spoken to him to have a balanced life and to have time for myself too. I am just so angry. Tonigjt i went to a comady festival i went with my sister and it was a late show. It started late and finished late and before the show even finished msgs and phone calls having a go at me. As soon as i got home he dissapears and as soon as i entered the house my happiness just dropped. I sit in bed now alone wishing i was happy and ok but in reality im not. Im lonely and sad and i just dont know what to do. I love being a mum but i also regret where i am in life. I have so much love to give im so envious of people around me i dont know howbto make me happy anymore im trying so hard to just not hurt myself 😢

[Donte]

If you or anyone you know needs help:
Lifeline on 13 11 14
Kids Helpline on 1800 551 800
MensLine Australia on 1300 789 978
Suicide Call Back Service on 1300 659 467
Beyond Blue on 1300 22 46 36
Headspace on 1800 650 890

[Donte]

Hi JazzK,

That is a terrible place to be - stuck in a relationship that is unfulfilling and left all alone to deal with it. I understand how angry and hurt this make you feel.

Being in a relationship with someone who is emotionally unavailable and battling with addictions on top of it is not helping your mental health and well-being and is stressing you and the baby out.

Is there anything you can change? I think it’s great that you went to the comedy festival. Having a night out is pivotal for you right now. Being a mum and doing it all alone is not easy. I was stuck in unfulfilling marriage for fifteen years. The loneliness, the desperation, the depression and anxiety it gave me pushed me to say enough is enough and walk away. It took me years but I did it. I raised my child as a single parent since the age of 9 and that was very tough at times, however, I prefer to be by myself rather than with an absent partner. I feel less lonely when I’m by myself and the sense of low mood and sadness and heaviness that was present in my life has been lifted drastically. I’m not saying to walk away. All I say is that sometimes we drift apart or a partner may not be capable or willing to partake in their parental responsibilities and in that case the other partner has to take action. If after you communicate clearly your needs and wants, he continuous to choose other things. Score you and his baby, then you may have to make some tough choices.

It’s a pity to not being able to enjoy fully being a mum due to his behavior. Have you spoken to him about it? Is your partner aware of how much he affects you? Is he willing to talk? To negotiate? Can you come up with an agreement on who’s going to be doing what in your family? You shouldn’t have to feel that is your responsibility to look after or care for your partner. He’s a big boy. He can look after himself. Your priority is your baby who’s fully depended on you in this stage in life and of course look after yourself. Give yourself a pat on the back. Take a break. Laugh more. Surround yourself with whatever makes you happy and brings you joy and calmness. And please keep talking to us. Don’t bottle things in. If you or your partner needs help:
Lifeline on 13 11 14
Kids Helpline on 1800 551 800
MensLine Australia on 1300 789 978
Suicide Call Back Service on 1300 659 467
Beyond Blue on 1300 22 46 36
Headspace on 1800 650 890

[JazzK]

Hi Donte

Thank you for your reply.

Im sorry to hear about your relationship ending after 15 years. I hope you have found a happier and more fufilling life with happiness and people that surrond you with love. Ive taken on board what you have said about communication and talking things through but it always seems to end up in an arguement or thoughts it back at me with flaws i recently done. In the past week the things I've noticed is tgere is zero conversation only complaints that come from him in that we communicate. I have shut dine in t alking to him in fear if u say something wrong, i wont hear the end of it and just get myself in a dark frame of mind which im trying ti st ay clear from. I love the guy and he is great and a great father theres no doubt about its just in a shitty routine. I try and make myself busy but when im alone surrounded by so many happy people i get so jealous of it. I just dont know what to do from here but coming in here is my only option right now in to expressing what i need to say.

[Donte]

Thank you JazzK,

Leaving my marriage was the best thing I've ever done. Even my daughter often says 'dad how could you be married all these years to mum? There's no way I could have done it!' So, no regrets here. Often we are so conditioned by society and culture that we need another half, that we are not complete by ourselves. That's truly a myth.

Sometimes we need to think if love is enough. What is it that we really love about a person? And we need to be brutally honest with ourselves.

Life hasn't been better! Hope you can find the strength to look at the situation for what it is and make some tough decisions for your own happiness. Surely there must be better ways to spend our days than feeling so bad. Dare to dream! X

[JazzK]

Tonight ive really hit the bottom... tonight i made strength to come back home and be with my daughter. I sit at the end of the bed crying in tears after a big fight my partner and i had. A fight now which means we a seriously separate people. It seems like im always in the wrong snd now he is asking me to pay half rent half the bills (im still only just about to start work casually only twice a week). I honestly wish there was an easier way to die. And no i dont care about what happens after because i wont be here. Im not happy being by myself im not happy in this relationship i suck as a mother im selfish to everyone and only thing about myself. I hate myself i hate how i look how i feel all the time.

[JazzK]

Im very mentally and emotionally and physically unwell and dead.. ive seriosly lost people that once mattered with me. My bestfriend, now my partner. Im sick of feeling like shit and feeling so worthless. I do wake up every morning with 110 % in my head but it fades quite quickly. I used to be so vibrant but now i just stick to black. The way i mentally feel effects my physically and i look like shit