Husband has depression

[beety]

Hi Everyone. Want some advice please. My husband (my second marriage) of 16 years has depression. It has probably always been there but we both just didn't see it or want to see it.

We have moved about a fair bit to make new starts, even emigrated. About 6 months ago he decided again that he could not cope where we were living (rural australia), hates his job, hates everyone at work or anyone he meets, has nothing positive to say about anyone or anything. Just wants to stay at home. I told him I had enough, I can't do this anymore, we keep repeating the same story of him thinking the grass is always greener. I told him if he had to go see someone about this as I think he has a problem coping. He broke down, got angry but we hugged and I told him I wasn't going to leave as I love him.

He saw a GP who gave him antidepressants. He went to see a counsellor once but decided he/she didn't seem that interested and didn't go again. Things got a bit better Then about a month ago he went away for a bucks weekend and came home very distant. Didn't reply to my texts, stopped being cuddly and wanting sex (he is normally the opposite). Was always going to the gym. I let it all go thinking he will come round eventually. Then this weekend he takes him self of into the spare bedroom under the pretence his back is sore (he does have issues with this neck which stops him from doing his favourite sports). I let this go too, for a day or two thinking he will come back to me. He hasn't, he says he needs space to sort out his issues, that I haven't done anything wrong, there is no one else (I genuinely don t think there is), he says he doesn't know what he wants. One minute he says we have just become mates and lost our spark then tells me not to read to much into it. he rejects any form of affection from me, doesn't want any physical attention at all.

I ve never seen him this bad before and I just dont know what to do. Im crying all the time, not eating , sleeping trying to understand how he can just suddenly feel this way. Just when I get my hopes up that he is feeling better he pushes me away. I feel so devastated that he doesn't need me. Im scared Im the reason he feels this way and that all is lost. I don't want to loose him and our home. We are so isolated here, I have no family or close friends. what do i do? I don't want to push him but feel if i keep my distance like he says we will drift apart. Ive always been a positive bright supportive person up now I feel lost.

[Anton_]

Hi Beety,

Thank you for sharing your story and your feelings. Your devastation is clear here, you sound like you are drained from giving, from hoping, from waiting. How much can you handle anymore? For how long?

It is very natural when you care for someone living with a mental illness. It is not only the person who is experiencing the symptoms but the loved ones as well, especially the close ones. You have been assigned the role of the carer now, possibly without your permission.

Knowing depression from first hand I resonate with your husband's symptoms and attitude. I can still feel that I'm harming the other person in a way and probably they don't deserve it. So I do feel for you as well, being aware of what I'm causing through my experience. It seems to me that we all go through these experiences and we choose the role we want to play. There is always something good that is coming out of these, maybe personal growth, resilience, courage, reconsideration of what is important in life.

How can you give love to that person without feeling drained? How are you going to protect your own wellbeing and mental health? Do you have a plan in place for you? You can still emotionally support the other person but at the same time looking at yourself as well. It's a cry for help, you've reached the point when you've lost your hope.

If you can't change the other person (nor should you) you may change how you perceive the situation:

-You leave the situation (it shouldn't cause you unwanted emotions or experiences),

-You stay in the situation repeating the same patterns and going through emotional distress,

-Staying in the situation but gaining a different perspective; the one that you are actively trying to find solutions, being empathetic, knowing more about depression and how to care about someone who is living with depression (there is training available), implementing self-care strategies for you most importantly;

It is hard to be caring for someone who is living with a mental illness, but it is can also be rewarding from the sense that you get to practice your strengths in order to help someone you love. It is not clear now but looking back later you will see how strong, patient and brave you were.

You were a "positive bright supportive person" and you've lost that thought this experience. What steps are you willing to take to become the positive person again? This is your personal responsibility.

I hope I helped a bit to inspire positive thinking

Cheers

Anton

[beety]

Thank you Anton, your reply means a lot. I feel a bit better today actually. I made an appointment to see my GP tomorrow and also rang a physologist. He was very kind when I explained everything. Unfortunately he is fully booked but promised to call me when the next available session will be. Hubby called me this morning too and said all he has done is moved into the spare room, nothing else has changed and he knows its been a shock for me but again said not to look so far into it. I don't think he realises just how crushed I am. I feel like Im sitting here just waiting for him to decide whether to be with me or not. Just not sure if i need to move out or he does for a while? or if that is the answer. Im just really scared I have lost him forever. He still wants to be civil and otherwise carry on as normal but how can i? so I decided I need to see a GP to help me. I think if i can talk about it all with the GP and physcologist and get a better understanding of what is happening I will cope better. I can only hope that i can get hubby to go to this physc appointment with or without me too.

I talked to my eldery neighbour of all people this morning. (due to the poor mans dog dying from snake bite which I found in my yard this morning - lucky me ! having a ball at the moment arn't i? LOL) Poor man is also broken like me, turns out he is having similar problems with his wife. We had a good heart to heart about it. So I promised I'd help him too.

Anyway trying not to think too hard about loosing hubby but also had a reality check that maybe it will come to that and if it does I WILL BE OK...... hopefully. x

[Forest_Critter]

Hi Beety! Really glad you've posted to the forum. Hope I can offer some useful advice.

Living with someone with a mood disorder such as depression can be extremely difficult. To both them and yourself, many of the things they experience are confusing and have misunderstood consequences. Avoidance, isolation, sad moods, ups-and-downs of positive and negative affection towards you, can all be included.

Antidepressant medication can have some marked effects on people, and thus in your case adds further complication to your husband's position. Some of the drawbacks can include decreased interest in sexual interaction and intimacy, and it has been shown that subsequent fallout from this feeling of the person afflicted leads to further isolation from their loved ones.

However, your situation has some positive points to it. You love your husband, and I believe (from you've said) he definitely loves you as well. The care he has sought out through medication is a good start, but by no means solves the problems that you yourself experience in living with him.

I advise that both of you see the same psychologist. The psychologist will be able to plan treatment in conjunction with the medication your husband is trying out. The psychologist will also be able to support you through this, as your husband's disorder has clearly had an impact on your marriage. Many visits may not be necessary, but often just hashing what you and your husband are going through can resolve a lot of unspoken issues. For example, your husband's behaviour suggests he may not trust you as much with his feelings, and this mistrust may be due to the burden he feels from the symptoms of his disorder. Once understood through treatment, you may be made the most trustworthy person to him once more.

I recommend a psychologist particularly for long-term treatment, as the majority of antidepressant medication is only effective as long as it is being taken. I also have confidence in the success of your relationship. It may feel at times that all the problems are there for you to feel upset about, but at the same time, the love and care you have for each other is also there, and thus the ability to solve these problems.

I hope seeing a psychologist can help map this out a bit more clearly for you.

I'd also like to hear more about yourself, if you feel comfortable sharing. And I hope I was able to provide some useful advice.

Take care beety!

- FC

[beety]

Thank you FC for taking the time to reply to me. Much appreciated. More about me? Well I was previously married to a guy I met at 18. He was never affectionate, hated intimacy and loved the drink. I left him for my current husband . It's not something I'm proud of but I just had to leave. With my now husband I felt alive, wanted, beautiful and we had fun. I long suspected my first husband has gay tendencies but will never admit it and I never felt close enough to him to ask outright. Do I hold a lot of pain from that and because I left I think everyone will now be thinking haa haa karma got you back now . So now you know how it feels. First husband was devastated at me leaving and I feel bad about that I really do. We don't speak that often but do so for the sake of the child we had together. My daughter is my glue. Second hubby and I couldn't have our own kids, at first he didn't want any and I did, then we both did and couldn't . We both didn't want to do IVF as by then we are in our late 30s and felt we missed the moment. Then last year I found out my daughter was diagnosed with a complicated condition which affects her gender. She cannot have children . This affected me badly as this condition affects her physically too . She has coped very well and has handled it very maturely. She has her hscs in two weeks time!

[beety]

Is it normal for someone to act so cold ??? I made the spare bedroom nice today for him, removed reminders of us and put his things in the draw so he doesn't have to ask to come and get them from "our room" I'm trying to be strong and pretend I'm ok so that I don't make him worse .. is that the right thing to do??

[Forest_Critter]

Hi Beety,

Thanks for writing back, and sharing more about yourself. Your daughter sounds like a lovely person, afflicted by her condition, but strong. I wish her all the best for her hscs.

Back to your husband:

From my perspective, those suffering from despressive symptoms have much more steady recovery when they have a close structure to support them in their life (a best friend, girlfriend, or loving wife in your husband's case). The structure is built on trust, so that the person afflicted, even in their dark times, is more free to be themselves with the person they trust. A trusted structure is generally a place where their symptoms are less severe, and can subside from, and treatment can focus on extending this sense of trust to other areas of the person's life.

At the onset of depression, or an episode of depression, it isn't very clear to the person afflicted who their structure is (even though it's clear to the rest of us), hence their behaviour may indicate a lack of trust, or even a sense of burden and embarrass because of it.

I recommend promoting yourself as the person your husband must trust, and is safe when with you. Specifically how to achieve this can be difficult. Being there for him consistently in several aspects may help this. Setting your husband up to be comfortable in a separate room sounds okay, but I'd make sure you remind him you miss him and would love to spend more time with him in your own room. In other areas, being there for him as a structure can include sympathising with what happened to them at work that day, and offering your own feelings about yourself (for things not relevant to your relationship issues, e.g maybe there's some gossip about your friends) to keep your connection.

I'm sorry again that this is very hard on you, particularly because of how much you care about your husband. Still, I believe strongly that progress with your husband will lead to progress with yourself. It may seem like you're putting on the mask, but bare in mind that it does get better for yourself, as it gets better for your husband.

If you'd like to talk more with me I'd love to respond. Hope what I've said makes sense. Obviously my perspective is different to yours, so apologies if I've missed the mark.

Hope to hear from you soon. All the best beety.

- FC

[beety]

Thank you FC, I can't thank you enough for your comfort and support. I feel so much better from it. I have been doing lots of research over the last few days and feel confident that things can get better. I spoke to my husbands brother and he has said he will help me. I'm looking forward to seeing the psychologist as I want to ask if he thinks hubby has that condition called personality disorder ? I did a bit of googling on it and the symptoms definitely point in that direction. But it would be great to get that professionally confirmed of course. I think having a reason for being this way can help both hubby and me. As least then I can help him realise that "THAT" is the cause of his thinking and being this way and not his fault. (Not that I blame him) then maybe he can see that there is a reason and therefore better understanding.

I would like that thank you and Anton for being here, not just for me but for everyone reaching out. This forum is amazing and people like yourselves are true heros in this crazy world that is mental health.

[Forest_Critter]

Hey beety! Thanks again for writing back.

From what you've said, your husband's symptoms don't seem extreme enough to fit the criteria for the majority of personality disorders. i.e it appears he isn't acting uncharacteristic of someone who is also depressed. He may appear to fit Schizoid personality disorder criteria the most, due to the nature of his behaviour, however, the diagnosis of this in favour of an episode of depression would require a couple of tests by a psychologist.

We shouldn't jump to conclusions though! It's still fantastic that you and your husband are seeing a psychologist. I'm confident it'll relieve many concerns of yours.

Would love to hear an update on how it works out for you, and talk further if it helps you.

- FC

[beety]

Hi Again,

Went to see a GP last night but whilst he was a lovely man, he was new to the area and as I expected couldn't discuss my husbands case due to patient confidence. I had a good chat with a friend of my who has been very kind and supportive. I just need to see the psycholgist ASAP but nothing available yet. So frustrating. I put on an act of confidence/cheerfulness in front of hubby last night as to not upset him further. He let me say goodnight to him in "his" room last night and allowed me to give him a hug. He said is is just so f#42ed up. I told him its that whatever is going on in his head is not his fault and that everything will be ok. He is just so tired and does also suffer badly from anxiety. I feel so frustrated because I need him to see a GP but he is busy at work (can't or rather won't) take time off, is always going to the gym (not a bad thing) or planning to see friends at the weekend. Feels like theres no time for "us". I just want to tell him, stop, we need to deal with this and make time to talk about whats going on, but I don't want to sound like Im nagging. I just treats me like a mate at the moment. Its just killing me. I just don't know if he really does have issues or if i am inventing a cause to make it all more palatable, and that he is only on meds because of a stale relationship/envoirnment? I was so confident yesterday and yet this morning, I wondering whether its me that has the issues and if Im better off accepting his decision and moving on. Have I been in denial all this time???