Husband has depression

beety · ‎03-10-2017

Hi Everyone. Want some advice please. My husband (my second marriage) of 16 years has depression. It has probably always been there but we both just didn't see it or want to see it.

We have moved about a fair bit to make new starts, even emigrated. About 6 months ago he decided again that he could not cope where we were living (rural australia), hates his job, hates everyone at work or anyone he meets, has nothing positive to say about anyone or anything. Just wants to stay at home. I told him I had enough, I can't do this anymore, we keep repeating the same story of him thinking the grass is always greener. I told him if he had to go see someone about this as I think he has a problem coping. He broke down, got angry but we hugged and I told him I wasn't going to leave as I love him.

He saw a GP who gave him antidepressants. He went to see a counsellor once but decided he/she didn't seem that interested and didn't go again. Things got a bit better Then about a month ago he went away for a bucks weekend and came home very distant. Didn't reply to my texts, stopped being cuddly and wanting sex (he is normally the opposite). Was always going to the gym. I let it all go thinking he will come round eventually. Then this weekend he takes him self of into the spare bedroom under the pretence his back is sore (he does have issues with this neck which stops him from doing his favourite sports). I let this go too, for a day or two thinking he will come back to me. He hasn't, he says he needs space to sort out his issues, that I haven't done anything wrong, there is no one else (I genuinely don t think there is), he says he doesn't know what he wants. One minute he says we have just become mates and lost our spark then tells me not to read to much into it. he rejects any form of affection from me, doesn't want any physical attention at all.

I ve never seen him this bad before and I just dont know what to do. Im crying all the time, not eating , sleeping trying to understand how he can just suddenly feel this way. Just when I get my hopes up that he is feeling better he pushes me away. I feel so devastated that he doesn't need me. Im scared Im the reason he feels this way and that all is lost. I don't want to loose him and our home. We are so isolated here, I have no family or close friends. what do i do? I don't want to push him but feel if i keep my distance like he says we will drift apart. Ive always been a positive bright supportive person up now I feel lost.

Forest_Critter · ‎07-10-2017

Hi Beety,

First off, my apologies for the late reply. Really wish I could've responded sooner but wasn't able to.

Back to you:

It's unfortunate that the GP wasn't helpful to you. Still, I'm confident the GP knows his position is to look out for your husband. Whatever treatment or advice he gave to your husband, it has a reason. For the psychologist: are you able to contact via email? A formal appointment is more appropriate, but something more immediate for the time being may be necessary.

What you've been doing for your husband sounds very good, the exact reflection of what a loving wife would do. It's really impressive, and difficult, to continue andbe brave for your husband at times like these, and given the state he is currently in. It's important to remember this, that taking care of someone can be incredibly challenging, and so in a completely different way to the challenge your husband faces. Although different, you are still in this together.

You're writing with a lot of emotion (which is totally fine) about your worries about what might be the 'true' nature of your relationship with your husband. You might believe his condition manifests from no longer loving you. I believe strongly that this worry is incorrect. The nature of your relationship is more accurately described in several posts of yours. It reflects his condition, which manifests from his own symptoms.

It feels like you have not gotten the answers you needed (yet), and this may have left a gap that has been filled with worry. It seems like you believe the nature of your relationship, and the condition of your husband, to be a reflection of you as a wife. This (to me) is a completely false description of you and your husband. While we have not got the answers we wanted yet, the worry that has grown, over what the cause could be, does not make sense.

I (and I invite you too, to) choose not to believe that you are the problem.

There is a toll in the challenge you face in taking care of your husband. If everything was done right, the feelings of worry and doubt are still not easy to avoid on the road to your husband's recovery. While unfortunate, this is simply the nature of recovery. These feelings of irrational worry are not palatable, even when we do everything just right. It's simply: difficult.

Once we accept this, hopefully the worry doesn't bother you as much. I believe in you and your husband Beety.

Once again, apologies for late reply. Do respond if you wish to share more.

- FC

beety · ‎07-10-2017

Thank you once again FC. To be honest I think I knew what the GP was going to say... I just wanted him to tell me what to do. Which was unfair. i should have made an appointment for my husband whilst I was there and then maybe he would go. I don't think he will make one for himself at this current time.

Your words ring so true FC. I do feel like I've failed to do the right thing. That is me I'm afraid..I hate to do anything that might upset someone or do the wrong thing. I look to see if it's my fault all the time. There are days when I think that then says when I think... don't be so stupid !!!

On a positive note, since we last spoke, I had my hair cut to cheer me up. When hubby came home from work he hugged me and commented on how nice it looked. We had a bit of a chat later that evening. He told me he thinks he has suffered from depression since a teenager. He has a good relationship with his family but there has been a traumatic event in his late teens which blew his hole family apart. I suspect that the black dog is heritable if you get my meaning?

Anyway so we had a chat, he let me hug him and one thing lead to another... but he went back to his room afterwards. He asked me not to be upset , I wasn't because I found some hope. He let me cuddle him on the sofa last night but is still very distant in his mind. I found out he has been like this with his family recently. He normally talks regularly to them on phone but even they asked me if things were alright. I've had to lie to one member as he has too much on his plate to deal with this too.

So at this point in time, I'm trying really hard not to be the clingy needy wife. I left him a card telling him how I feel ( keeping it all positive and supportive) and reminded him of the good times. I still don't know how to be around him in the sense of , should I act and pretend it's not affecting me? I know he can't handle me upset so I'm really cautious of not being so.. or should I be distant too..? I honestly don't know if he wants me to take control or keep away...

as for the psychologist. I never thought about emailing them. I'll look in to that.

FC thank you for being there for me. I only hope that in return one day I can do the same for someone else going through this ... x

beety · ‎07-10-2017

Uodate again - hubby went out for the day today , left super early came home late and burst into tears. He told me he is not well. I hugged him and told him it will ok. We talked in his room. He was so upset. He told me about the tattoo he wanted to get and how that was the reason he went into town today. His design is about angel and devil. I asked him if I can make a drs appointment for him and he told me to just leave it. I tried to tell him he cannot do this alone. I told him this is not something to feel ashamed of or embarrassed by and that I can go with him or not if he likes. He told me he doesn't want me or anyone else telling him what to do. I told him that won't be the case. We would just listen. i asked him if he wanted to harm himself. He said he thought about it but not seriously. ( a close relative committed suicide when he was young) I can only hope I've got through to him. I guess bit by bit he is coming to terms with it. I'm very concerned about him. I can see he is exhausted and his eyes kept flicking from side to side. He is not in a good way. He's sleeping now but at what stage do I take control here??? I want him to make his own decisions as I felt he doesn't want me to make them for him... is this heading to crisis stage???

Forest_Critter · ‎08-10-2017

Hi Beety,

All of what you've written sounds like improvement. I'm really glad you've felt a bit better from what has happened (haircut and the intimacy).

How prone one is to the black dog is indeed very heritable, and also influenced by one's environment. It's likely that in your husband's case, a susceptibility already existed, and his natural response to the event in his adolescence became amplified because of it. It also is not very surprising that he is uncharacteristically distant from his family. In the condition of depression where doubt and mistrust are common, distance from supportive structures like friends and family are common for a variety of reasons. It's important to remind him that he should not fear these structures, as you have been doing very well.

Also from what you said about your husband's distance from his family, a (minor) silver lining from this is that hopefully it helps you see that you are not the problem, but rather the distance towards you and his family is a consequence of his condition.

In terms of 'finding your place' as his wife (so to speak), if there's a way of consistently being there for him as you were (yesterday); when you had a chat, and got intimate, I feel like routine contact like this is a sufficient place to be. Obviously physical intimacy is not the focus. Contact, and the connection from conversation and support, or simply being together, as you described, sounds like a very good position to be in, definitely worth making a routine of. However, I'm not sure if last night was a one-off due to him skipping the gym. Still, if something like last night can be made a daily (or otherwise similarly frequent) routine, then I believe it will make you and your husband feel much more comfortable about yourselves and the future.

So let's remember the positives. The contact, and comfort, and closeness. We'll try and make a routine of it. Let me know how you go with contacting the psychologist, and anything else you feel like sharing.

All the best, hope to hear from you soon.

- FC

Forest_Critter · ‎08-10-2017

Hi Beety, thanks for the update.

Obviously it's hard to have a feel for what point your husband is at, or rather where the 'line' is for when an intervention should be beyond his permission. For thinking about this we should consider a few things:

If your husband is getting worse, is it in a new way, in a way that hasn't been experienced before? If what is happening is completely new to him, and yourself, intervention may be necessary.

It may be worth asking him: at what point do you think you require treatment/intervention? This might prompt to to reevaluate the state they are in. You can help them understand this state. For example, if he is behaving or feeling a way that's new, and more extreme/worse than before, then asking them where the line is might help them realise this. If an answer isn't provided; as in they don't know, or don't care, then it's simply another sign that involuntary intervention is necessary.

It was good that you checked regarding self-harm. Often instances of self-harm occur in harsh episodes of grief, shame, and a highly-elevated emotional state, where rationality is out the window. If you feel your husband is getting close to this stage with his behaviour, I would advise contacting our BeyondBlue emergency services. Or alternatively, contact a hospital's psychology department, and inquire about arranging a home-visit from a doctor/GP (who is familiar with mental disorders, obviously). This brings the intervention to him, and may remove the hurdle of going out to deal with their issues.

To recap, we have a few things to consider: taking note of new experiences that are alarming; asking what they think their limit is, and use this as an indicator of how they are (if the response isn't convincing, then move forward with the following consideration); contacting emergency services if the behaviour of your husband is endangering himself. This can be physical harm, or it could be an extreme remission into clinical depression, which often requires immediate hospitalisation.

It's hard when we (possibly) come to this stage, but what I've mentioned above would be the last considerations before action is necessary.

Once more, get in touch with BeyondBlue emergency services (chat online, or call 1300 22 4636) to confirm what I've said.

Also, I could be wrong in my interpretation. The state he's in may not be as extreme as I perceive. Still, I hope what I've said makes sense, and that you'll respond in the loving way you have thus far.

- FC

beety · ‎09-10-2017

Thank You FC,

Your words speak truthfully. I understand that it is not my fault now. Im going to start looking after me and start learning more about depression. Gives me something to do. Also trying to book a counselling appointment for myself. No point booking one for his lordship as we won't go. I suggested it.. but he just wants to be left alone. So what can I do? Carry on I guess. He suggested I go away for Christmas which I am considering... but not sure if thats what he really wants. I could do with the break though. So anyway I posted on another thread to try and get an insight into what its like to have depression and anxiety.. I feel that knowledge is power. The more I understand, the more confident I can be in helping him. In the meantime life sucks but hey ho, onwards and upwards eh? 🙂

Forest_Critter · ‎10-10-2017

Hi Beety,

A counseling appointment certainly will help you. Strategies to cope with living with someone with your husband's condition serves to benefit you and him. In terms of learning more about depression and anxiety, the counselor will also have an abundance of knowledge to inform you of; so two birds with one stone with that one.

Having a break is fantastic, and we all need it once in a while. For going away over Christmas I would consider a couple of things:

While it will be a break for you, will it serve as some sort of break for your husband? More specifically, will he be better off without you around Christmas? Possibly going away just before or just after may be better.

It may be worth consistently bringing up the idea of going away. This may help your husband share whether or not he's comfortable with it.

Either way, I'm glad you're moving forward still.

All the best Beety.

- FC

beety · ‎12-10-2017

Hello again.

Update: hubby has been to the GP but only because he blew up at work, came home unwell and had to get a doctors sick note. GP put him on melatonin and upped his AD. He has taken the new drugs but hasn't upped the AD, says he wants to come off them.he does appear more chatty after a good sleep but still says he doesn't feel very cuddly. We had a good chat and I told him how I was feeling and what my fears were. I also told him I didn't blame him just his illness. He is suggesting me going away for Xmas. I'm thinking I will because all our family live overseas and I haven't seen them in years. Will be a good distraction at that time of year. He told me he is not looking to end our marriage and has to consider how he would feel if we split and how he would manage without me around but he still doesn't know what he wants,says he loves me but he needs to sort his head out. He says he doesn't want people making a fuss. I've backed right off as he wishes. Still waiting for appointment but had a good chat to some work colleagues too which helped as they understood due to their own experiences with depression affecting there lives.

I feel cheated in a sense that I can't even be allowed to get angry at hubby for being like this. I know it's not his fault . At least if it was a normal break up I could be allowed to hate him and be angry at him but even that privilege has been denied. On a positive I feel better for venting On here. Every day is s new day, I've stopped expecting any major changes and I think I've accepted that this is the way it is and will just make the best of a pretty crap situation. Went out for lunch with Work which was so lovely and I'm going to start a new fitness class ( not something I normally like to do ) to try and make some friends.

Thank you for being an ear FC. Don't know how I would have coped without you and others these past few days.

Forest_Critter · ‎12-10-2017

Hi Beety,

Thanks for the update. Really glad your husband saw the GP again. I won't comment on what he ought to do in terms of medication, however I can only emphasise the importance of listening to the GP. It's still good that your husband wants to ease off of AD's, however he will need the help of a psychologist to make much progress.

I'm glad you've been having better days, and understanding more about the situation you're in. Yes, it is crappy, but it is also very common to live with someone with depression. Sharing with friends, and catching up with family overseas, sounds like a great stress-relief for you.

I think with a psychologist, your husband can make progress; and part of this will be inviting you to some of the sessions after he becomes more stable, to work on strengthening your relationship.

I'm so glad to have been able to talk to you about all of this. If you'd like to update or share anything more with me, please feel free to write more.

Wish you the best Beety.

- FC

beety · ‎22-10-2017

Update-

i feel such a fool. Hubby tells me today he has feelings for another girl he met a few months ago.he says then kissed but that’s all. They are just friends. I found out he stayed the night in a hotel in town, but he told me he slept on the sofa of his friend. He tells me this girl and he went out last night with another couple plus someone else. He swears he only kissed her and now they are only friends as she didn’t want to go there?????? When I rang the hotel up to ask he the booking was just one person the guy said it was only one man, but I don’t know what to believe. Crushed crushed crushed. Hubby says nothing happened or is going to happen but wants to stay friends with this girl. I’m so angry !!!!! So I won’t be posting again I’m afraid. Thank you for replying and being helpful in my time of need.. sadly it didn’t work out as I planned...