How do you respond to someone who says ‘that’s how my parents did so that’s how I do’

[Donte]

Often we do certain things, hold particular beliefs and thinking patterns that may not be entirely ours. We all pick up processes and copy others, especially during our formative years when we haven’t formed opinions and still learn about many things. During those first years and our schooling we are like spounges, absorbing information, filling it in our brains, developing nuropathways faster than in any other time of our lives and usually get highly influenced by our immediate environment - parents, significant others etc. Of course each child is also exposed to thousands of hours of brainwashing by the media just by watching tv and playing video games prior to even reaching preschool age.


We are all born like an empty canvas. No ideas. No beliefs. No prejudices. No influences apart from some genetic predispositions and recognizing the voice of our mother and father and certain sounds that have been dominant in the environment prior to our birth.


Then we get ‘attacked’ by the oversaturation of messages, information, knowledge etc that makes us who we are. But do we stop there? Are we just that byproduct of our environmental influences? Where do our choice comes from? How and when do we become aloud to question? To break away from the mould? Are we forever bound to our linguistic, cultural and religious limitations and content to not grow beyond that point?


When I hear people say ‘that’s how I was brought up’, it makes me think: ‘So do I. But I moved away from that as I grew up and formed my own opinions and ideas and beliefs’. Isn’t this our duty as adults? If we didn’t break away and explored different methods, ideas, ways of thinking and believing we would still live in caves without electricity or cars or clothes etc.


I understand the importance of cultural, linguistic and spiritual heritage as it connects us with a particular group of people (usually the one we grew up in), however, I believe it is our duty as individuals and collectively as each generation matures to challenge, hold accountable and question notions that stop us from growing up. Anything that perpetuates stigma, stereotypes, discrimination, marginalization of individuals or groups of people should be put under a spotlight and examined thoroughly. This is particularly relevant to mental illness and attitudes that prevail from the past. So how do we do that?

[White_Rose]

Hello Donte

Well this is a huge topic and I expect many will have different ideas on it. May I tell a story?

A young wife roasting a piece of meat for the family was asked, "Why do you cut the meat in half before cooking it?" She responded, "My mom always did it that way." so her mom was asked the same question. "Why do you cut the piece of meat in half before you cook it?" She said, "My mom always did it that way." So her mother was asked why she cut the meat in half before cooking it. Her reply, "Because a roasting tin in which the meat would fit was too big to get into the oven".

OK, not sure if that's true but it sounds like your question Donte. There are so many habits we learn in childhood and often do not realise where they come from or why we continue to subscribe to them. I think many of our habits can be changed or ignored without dire results. On the other hand there are habits which could be changed but allow a link to the past and a feeling of being part of the local community.

For example, saying a brief prayer before eating a meal is customary for many religions. To give thanks for food acknowledges the effort made to grow and prepare good food. The same with dietary customs. Does it hurt anyone? Unlikely I feel. Other customs such as childbirth customs can actually pose a risk to mom and baby.

Anything that perpetuates stigma, stereotypes, discrimination, marginalization of individuals or groups of people should be put under a spotlight and examined thoroughly. I totally agree but how and where do you start?

This is particularly relevant to mental illness and attitudes that prevail from the past. So how do we do that? Focussing on MI for the moment I believe it is through organisations such as Beyond Blue and through the efforts of individuals prepared to stand up and tell their stories. So many well-known people from all areas of living are standing up. Schools are starting to address bullying which can prevent tragedies for young people. Initiatives such as Beyond Blue's guide to building resilience in children has so many advantages that it would almost be easier to say which areas would not benefit.

I hope you get many answers and ideas to this important topic.

Mary

[Donte]

Thank you Mary.

I agree. 🙂

[Donte]

Hi White Rose,

Great story! I remember hearing it before somewhere. And it's true for most. Of course there are the others too, like me, who decide to throw out the carving knife and become vegans! What I am saying is we only get one life and one opportunity to make a difference. Would be a shame to follow like sheep and loose the chance that has been given to us. 🙂

[blondguy]

Hi Donte

You have created an interesting thread topic. I am fortunate as I have learned 'in reverse' from my dad as I believe in treating other people how we like to be treated. Your thread topic is very broad which is fine. I just thought I would keep it simple from my own personal perspective with parents that were also born overseas with different cultural backgrounds as well

My Kind thoughts

Paul

[Hayfa]

Hi Donte' and a wave to everyone else,

This is indeed an interesting and broad topic that will certainly resonate differently in everyone.
I personally don't believe that you only get one life that you have to make it work or that we are born as empty canvasses, but that could be another thread for another time.

I think that as people we grow up absorbing knowledge and behaviours from many sources including our cognitive learning from parents at home. All households/individuals have their own perceptions and ideas of issues, they may not necessarily see a particular view as stigmatising, discriminating etc. This is not to say that there isn't issues that are stigmatising and distressing and obviously need addressing but that is exactly what they need; addressing, education and awareness.
We can't change the world and how people think and act, we are only in charge of how we think and act. What we can do is provide as much good information as we can and hope that people weigh it for themselves and decide.

I personally believe that we need to respect other people's ideas and decisions and demand that they respect ours in return. There is more than one right way and everyone perceives things differently, what may look like stigma from someone, may actually be that person's fear.

Hayfa

[Donte]

Thank you Hayfa,

Your post made me think about what is reality and what is real. I think reality may be independent of our beliefs. The older I get I tend to gravitate more towards scientific facts and evidenced-based explanations trialed in empirical studies as the ultimate benchmark for what is a fact and what is a belief.

Everyone is entitled to believe whatever they choose. Of course that doesn't alter reality in any way. I may believe, for example, that a glass of poison is water and I drink it in full faith that is water as it looks like water and tastes like water, however, being poison, it will kill me, despite my belief.

There are millions of people around the globe believing, for example, that the earth is flat, or that humans have never been to the moon etc. Despite those beliefs and the fact that people are aloud to believe whatever they like and we should respect their choice, it doesn't actually make their beliefs true. No matter how many billions believe something it doesn't make it true or real solely on the numbers game.

A lot of discussions around culture, religion, spirituality have to do with belief systems, not with facts or truth or reality.

This is only my opinion of course and I believe I am aloud to express it like everyone else is expressing theirs in our pluralist, multicultural setting. I believe that our duty as human beings is to find truth based on reality and not fable. But of course people would argue about everything and anything so what's real for me may be unreal for another. So I guess it all comes down to personal perception. You believe it, it's real for you but it's not for me as I don't believe it. As long as we allocate equal 'air space' for the voice of reason as we do for every other idea and belief we are on the right path.

This is particularly relevant in relation to mental illness, treatments and management options. People may believe all sorts of things about their condition, however, as we know, that doesn't mean their beliefs are true. Medication management or counselling or other interventions may be needed no matter what the person believes.

[Donte]

Hi Hayfa,

There are some ideas and beliefs worthy of respect. There are others worth of rejection. I personally believe that people are to be respected, not ideas or beliefs or dogma. Ideas and beliefs need to be questioned, challenged, compared and pass many tests before they can be worthy of acknowledgement, acceptance or respect.

Too many people respect ideas and beliefs and fight to death to defend them while they have no respect for others or human life. I believe the reverse should be true.

I also don’t believe that we need to demand respect for our ideas. No one has a right to demand anything in my view. And definitely I’m not demanding others to respect my ideas or beliefs. I demand respect for me as an individual and others should demand the same from me. But when it comes to ideas, beliefs, notions, traditions,...they’re just that! Subjective, not empirically tested or evidenced-based and neither an accurate representation of reality. Not talking about the individual’s perception of reality but rather the real, ultimate reality applicable to all despite personal belief, something like gravity, aging, death etc.

[Donte]

Thanks Paul. 🙂

I appreciate your input. Yes, indeed, it is a broad topic.

Hopefully this gives enough flexibility for others to input and share their views. Being born overseas or in a non-English culture of course doesn't equate simplicity. Some cultures have been around thousands of years before the English was developed and are indeed even more complex at so many levels. The topic of tradition and change has always preoccupied people's minds in every era and culture. It is still relevant today, particularly in a new, globalised world and in a country like ours where multiculturalism and diversity is the norm. I'm interested to see how people find balance between the old and the new and how adaptable ethnic groups and individuals within them can be amidst vast technological and scientific advances and breakthroughs.

[Donte]

Hello White Rose,

Thank you for posing this very important question in regards to breaking stereotypes, fight discrimination, marginalization of individuals and minority groups and destroying stigma - ‘But how and where do you start?’

I guess that’s something we all need to ask ourselves and then mobilize all the available influences we have collectively to persuade authorities and politicians to legislate laws, lobby at whatever capacity we each have to ensure equity for all. And to not become complacent. Ever. Because an injustice may not affect us personally it doesn’t cease to be an injustice.

On an individual level maybe it’s about picking up on small things like words, phrases and smart remarks and gestures that are hateful or homophobic or discriminatory and make sure we don’t participate in the laughter or the comments etc and most importantly to not condone these behaviors with our silence. (The football culture for example etc)