32 years of an arranged marriage - I need help

[calm_mind]

Hi,

This is my first post; I am not sure where to start. I need help.

I am 55 years old, 32 years of (arranged) married life; he is 9 years older than me. Struggled all my life with depression, consulted many therapists in over 17 years; Unable to cope with my husband's manipulations, tantrums and much more. There is absolutely no connection (emotional, intellectual, physical what so ever)between us. In the 7 years of therapy, I have learnt to put some labels for his behaviour/ attitude such as (i) lack of empathy (ii) very very shallow emotions (iii) parasitical attitude (iv) emotional blackmail, irresponsible etc.

I lost trust in God but I meditate, my mind is very quiet. I have learnt to manage many things in these years. But his fault finding/cynical / irresponsible talk triggers violent anger in me.

I need help to get rid of anger from my being.

I am not sure, what more to write.

Thank you very much

[Donte]

Hi Calm mind,

I know it's not easy. Change takes time and there are many stages we have to go through before a visible outcome is reached.

Usually individuals move through six stages of change: precontemplation, contemplation, preparation, action, maintenance, and termination. From what I hear you may be already in the contemplation or preparation stage and ready to take action! Writing on this forum indicates that! Don't give up! We are here for you. This is a safe and caring environment where people who share are all affected by mental anguish at some point in their lives and have been supported in the same way you are now seeking support. X

[Ellie05]

Hello calm mind,

I am sorry to read to hear of what you are going through. It sounds like you are in a terribly difficult situation. We rely on our families and our community to provide us with support and a sense belonging, so to break away is incredibly difficult, even if we find ourselves in a situation where our family or community does not have our best interests at heart.

Can I ask how old your daughter is and what type of relationship she has with her father? If she is an adult she could be a good person to turn to when you need emotional support. Do you work or volunteer at all? This can also be a good way to connect with other people in a friendly and supportive way.

[calm_mind]

Dear Ellie05,

Ellie05 said:

We rely on our families and our community to provide us with support and a sense belonging, so to break away is incredibly difficult, even if we find ourselves in a situation where our family or community does not have our best interests at heart.

Thanks very much. What you said is absolutely true in my case. Many times, I struggle to articulate my feelings. Your words resonate with my feelings 100%. When I read your post it seemed that I found the right words for my mixed feelings.

My daughter is is now 31 years old, married for 5 years now, well settled. When she was young, I heavily relied on her for my emotional support (unknowingly of course). She herself became depressed in her high school years and consulted her school counsellor. When I came to know about that I decided not to push my suffering on her. I felt, as a mother i should protect and support her rather than drag her with me in my confusion and suffering. So I don't talk about my problems to her. But she knows. She takes care of me in every way possible.

She is the one who has taken full control of our lives now. We are in the process of selling our house and move interstate to live closer to her. She takes care of me at every level. At the same time, I am very careful not to talk about my emotional pain often.

She has not been talking to him for over 10 -12 years. It is Hi, Bye conversation with him.

The questions that you asked about me are the hardest to answer. I feel very ashamed of myself when I look at myself from that point.

[Donte]

Dearest Calm Mind,

I am so happy that you can share in this forum of people who struggle in many similar ways and share their experiences so we can all hold hands in this journey of life and recovery from trauma and pain.

Sometimes we seek help externally. We may desperately want someone to come and grab us and shake us up and change things for us. And yet, even though every conversation and interaction with another helps, we, and only we, can help our own selves. It comes from inside not from outside. This is what I’ve learnt after years of waiting for a savior to come and rescue me.

Please don’t take me wrong. I’m not saying that there is no merit talking to others, seeking support, empathy and understanding. I’m not saying that getting information and educating ourselves is not beneficial. It is. Very much so.

What I’m saying is that ultimately we are the only ones who can decide when enough is enough. For us! We are the only ones who can say ‘no more’! And it takes time to get to that decision. And it’s very different for everyone. And until we reach that point, it’s beneficial to keep talking, asking, seeking. But I’d like you to consider the possibility that maybe it’s only you who can make this happen. Not me. Not the others in here. Not the psychiatrist or the doctor. Just you. I understand that this may be a very challenging concept but I’d like you to consider the possibility. X

[blondguy]

Hello Calm Mind

Thankyou for your kindness and posting back 🙂

This is your thread and there is no expectations for you to respond to anyone including me too!

Donte has made a great point that its up to ourselves to make a decision which is spot on

I learned to accept support from others to help me heal from my old toxic relationship....I had my support network (just a couple of friends) my psychiatrist...psychologist...social worker and all their life experiences/training.

Other peoples life experiences are a gift when rebuilding our own well being

Wonderful to have you as part of the Beyond Blue forum family Calm Mind

My kindest thoughts for you

Paul

[calm_mind]

Dear Donte,

Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

In the past, many people had said what you said in your post. But I distanced myself from them thinking that they did not want to help, they are reluctant, unwilling etc.

But when i read your post, it struck a chord in me. I have been listening to people who had near death experience on youtube for the past two/three months. After reading your post, I went to bed and listened to one NDE. Something seems to make sense in me.

The lady who was talking about her experience said that love and forgive are the two important lessons we need to learn in this life. We forgive, not because we accept life but because nothing ever happens from the bigger perspective.

This has made me think.

I also keep hearing this message of Jesus"Forgive them because they know not what they do". I am trying to understand what He meant.

Thanking you all a million times,

[White_Rose]

Hello Calm Mind

How lovely that your daughter is settled and out of danger from her father. Sad but the best outcome. I take it you will still be with your husband when you move nearer to your daughter.

Just read your post to Donte and his post above. These resonated with me so much. It is so hard to make these decisions for ourselves. I agree with Donte.

We may desperately want someone to come and grab us and shake us up and change things for us. And yet, even though every conversation and interaction with another helps, we, and only we, can help our own selves. It comes from inside not from outside. This is what I’ve learnt after years of waiting for a saviour to come and rescue me.

This is why we teach our children to be independent and the devastation of living with someone who controls our every move. When we want to decide for ourselves it is often when we find we have lost that ability and it takes time to restore it. You are getting there very well.

May I ask, do you think you will continue your efforts to leave your husband? I hope you find those references useful. It's a good step forward to ask for help.

Mary

[Donte]

That’s beautiful CalmMind,

I’m glad that all this discussion is helping you and making an impact. It takes time for things to change. It takes time for us to think about stuff, contemplate, work out in our minds what the next steps would be. One baby step at a time! Sometimes it can be overwhelming to think of the whole journey. We may feel it’s too much. Or that we are far from reaching our goal. Each step is important!

My mum always used to say ‘Unless you have nails to scratch your self don’t expect others to do it for you!’. It may sound harsh but there is truth in this. We must do what we can. We must use whatever we have in our capacity without expecting that someone else will come and do it for us. And we must use what we have (our own nails) to get the desired outcome!

Love and forgiveness as you’ve mentioned, are our great allies as unless we love ourselves and forgive ourselves, we do not give permission to ourselves to move on. Loving ourselves will allow us to desire the best for us. Forgiving ourselves for not treating us with the respect and dignity we deserve but allowing others to abuse us, opens us up and prepare us for the possibility of change.

Follow your heart, (feelings), your mind, (logic and knowledge), and your gut, (intuition), and you’ll be in the right direction - aligned with your truth. X

[Ellie05]

I'm so glad my words resonated with you. I think about the concept of community a lot as I think it's something we're really missing in the modern Western world. I recently tried moving to London but I just couldn't do it as I couldn't stand being away from my 'people' (family and friends). I often wonder what it would be like to grow up in a community where everyone knows one another and looks out for each other. It seems so wonderful but I also know that being part of a tight knit community can also have very negative consequences. No one wants to upset the status quo and become alienated from the rest of the group, which isn't always a good thing. It can lead to bullying as well as people putting up with or turning a blind eye to abuse.

With that in mind how about you feeling about the upcoming move? It's wonderful that you will be closer to your daughter but moving away from everything that is familiar can be incredibly stressful so it's important to be kind to yourself and give yourself some time to adjust.

I was happy to hear that you have a close relationship with your daughter and that she is doing well. I rely on my family and friends a lot for support when I am not well mentally and am always apologising to them about it. They tell me not to feel guilty and that they are glad I can come to them rather than suffer in silence. In a way I think it brings us closer together as it leads me to see what amazing, supportive people they are and means I'm very grateful to have them in my life. Every situation is different though, not everyone is cut out to support someone through mental health issues as they either don't understand or are the type to take on the suffering of their loved one. This might be the case with your daughter but do remember that depression is very common for teenagers, especially if they have a troubled relationship with a parent or see a parent mistreat the other. Don't be too quick to blame yourself for what your daughter went through. It sounds like she loves you very much and now that she is grown and living outside the family home she might be in a better position to offer you some support. Another option would be to look into support groups in the area that you are moving to. There is a website called meetup.com which is a good place to start. Of course, you can also come here and chat with us whenever you need. I find this community to be extremely helpful myself.