32 years of an arranged marriage - I need help

[calm_mind]

Hi,

This is my first post; I am not sure where to start. I need help.

I am 55 years old, 32 years of (arranged) married life; he is 9 years older than me. Struggled all my life with depression, consulted many therapists in over 17 years; Unable to cope with my husband's manipulations, tantrums and much more. There is absolutely no connection (emotional, intellectual, physical what so ever)between us. In the 7 years of therapy, I have learnt to put some labels for his behaviour/ attitude such as (i) lack of empathy (ii) very very shallow emotions (iii) parasitical attitude (iv) emotional blackmail, irresponsible etc.

I lost trust in God but I meditate, my mind is very quiet. I have learnt to manage many things in these years. But his fault finding/cynical / irresponsible talk triggers violent anger in me.

I need help to get rid of anger from my being.

I am not sure, what more to write.

Thank you very much

[Croix]

Dear Calm Mind~

Thank you for coming here and setting out how things are. Let me say first that if I have been made to marry someone who fits the description of your husband I would have great anger inside me too. Living with someone who finds fault, practices emotional blackmail and is irresponsible would be very hard indeed and it is not surprising if you had depression as a result. 32 years of such a life sounds terrible.

If therapy has not been effective, and it sounds as if you have tried this a lot, then you really only have two options I can see, neither of which would be easy.

Obviously the first is to finish the relationship. I do mention this as an alternative, however it may not be practical for many reasons. Children, family and social expectations and finances being examples. Many people simply are not in a position to do anything other than stay. If you were to go down this path however then I'd suggest calling our 24/7 Help Line (1300 22 4636) and see what organizations, help and resources would be there for you. Help from family or friends would make a great deal of difference.

The other alternative is to try to set up boundaries so that his behavior does not affect you so deeply. After such a long time this too is very hard. You already see him as he is, which is a help. Regarding him as an authority figure, which may have been the case when you first married, would simply make it harder to accurately judge his shortcomings.

Boundaries can be such things as walking away from abuse, calmly saying it is not acceptable and going elsewhere until it stops.

Do you have anyone on your side to encourage and support you? Trying to deal with all this by yourself is a last resort. You mentioned religion, do you have a religious leader who understands and will offer support. Again I'd suggest talking on our help line to gain perspective and a list of organizations with experience.

I doubt very much that your problems can be fixed quickly, so please feel you can talk here whenever you need understanding, care and perspective

Croix

[blondguy]

Hello Calm Mind

If I may embrace and welcome you as a part of the Beyond Blue forum family. You are strong and courageous by posting and thankyou

I am 58 and its very sad to read about the pain you are going through in your life. I have been involved with counselors since 1996 after my depression started. My environment was the cause of my my depression.

Your environment doesnt appear to be conducive to you having a reasonable quality of life. This is very sad from where I stand. I understand you are proactive with your health and have seen many counselors too. That is a huge indicator of strength. Therapists and counselors aside for a moment...can I ask you if you have a general practitioner that you trust and can confide in?

I still see my GP every 4 weeks after having depression for so many years

My mother is Scandinavian and has always been a godsend in our family to keep the peace with my dad's way of bringing us up. They were married for 49 years until my mum had enough. (Just to let you know out of respect)

The anger can be treated but I hope your environment will improve as its often a catalyst for our quality of life. (Its only my humble opinion as a person recovering from anxiety/depression calm mind)

There are many gentle people on the forums that can be here for you calm mind. The forums are also a judgement free place for you to post too 🙂

I hope you can continue to post as you are more than welcome to do so

my kind thoughts for you in this difficult time

Paul

[Donte]

What a lovely response Paul, (ad hi Calm Mind), and encouraging words of support. No one should endure abuse. Calm Mind, I hope you can get some support to assist you in making all the difficult choices. It is easy to lose who we are in a relationship. Take courage! Keep chatting and access as many supports as you can. 🙂

[Donte]

Hello Calm Mind,

What a terrible thing to be enduring. Thank you for sharing your experience in this forum. How can you not be angry at the gross injustice that they have imposed on you? Arranged marriage and a life that hardly even addresses your needs, desires and human rights. What are the therapists are saying all these years if you don't mind me asking? And more importantly, why do you continue staying in this relationship? If it is as you describe it I would assume that you'd like to get all help available to get out and free yourself. It may be others who 'made' you take this path but now you can alter it. Change it. Sounds like you deserve better. In order to get rid of anger, one needs to remove the causes of anger from their lives. Hope you can seek appropriate help to support you in whatever decision you make. X

[calm_mind]

Hello, thank you everyone. All your thoughts are valuable to me. thank you again.

Shall i choose to respond in one reply to all of your kind words and suggestions?

Do I have any support from family / friends?

Yes and no. there are a couple of friends to whom I can talk without any filters. They understand me and sympathise my situation. People usually don't understand so i don't make any effort to talk to anyone.

I felt very lonely, i badly want to be understood, that is why I wrote to this forum.

It is cultural thing - in the culture where I am from, men are never wrong; men are allowed and accepted for any of their behaviour; it is the woman who has to adjust, compromise, grin and bear.

It is again the cultural thing not to talk bad about your own family; one is disrespected or looked down if she complains of her husband.

Also, he is charming to the outside world so people (family and close friends) don't believe me. I am wrong from his view, I am wrong from the community's view. Now, I am sick of opening up to anyone only to be labelled that I am short tempered, I am arrogant, I am incapable of managing my show etc.

I badly wanted to talk to someone who understands. That is why I wrote to this forum.

I know I live in Australia but the local community controlled me in many ways. I tried on two occasions to run away from home. But he tortured our only daughter the same way he controlled me. In order to protect her i returned. Also, finance is the main reason for me.

Why am I still in this relationship?

I don't know where to go, how to start a new life. As i said earlier, i tried on two occasions and failed. At this stage, i have no energy to do anything.

What did my therapists say?

They said that i have to save myself. All they could do was to give coping strategies. I am not sure if any of the therapists understood me completely. I went to all therapists supported by medicare. So I got 8 sessions, each 20 - 30 minutes. Other psychologist charged $180 per hour. I could not afford many sittings with her. In addition, I undertook 4 sessions of hypnotherapy, past life regression therapy, some sort of energy thing. Nothing was greatly helpful.

Do I have a GP?

Yes and no. In the past 17 years I changed 4 GPs for various reasons. It is very hard to open myself to each GP, make me understood and then seek help. I am very tired of this process.

[White_Rose]

Dear Calm Mind

Thank you for trusting us with your story. I am pleased you have found BB and feel confident enough to write here. I can understand how you are reluctant to tell your story many times and have no practical means of managing afterwards. I have written some suggestions below which I think will help you. I am sorry I cannot relate these to your culture and I may be suggesting actions which you feel are wrong. If so please accept my apologies, I have no intention of upsetting you.

I would like to suggest you make one more attempt to see a MH specialist. This time ask to see a psychiatrist. Their fees are higher than a consultation with your GP but the Medicare rebate is also larger. Have a chat with someone at Medicare to explain the provisions of the safety net. Once you reach a certain level of out of pocket expenses your Medicare rebate increases significantly. For example my psychiatrist charges $250 per session. I receive $156 rebate. Once I reach the safety net I will receive a rebate of all the fee except about $18. It makes these consultations easier to access and to manage financially.

Have you consulted anyone from the domestic violence services? Please google the DV organisation in your state. They will be able to help you leave if this is what you still want. Take your daughter with you as she is in as much danger as you. They can provide a safe home where no one can reach you.

I also suggest talking to your state Women's Advisory Service. Please look them up and have a chat with them. They have access to legal services and other services to help you.

These are organisations which have been set up to help women in your situation. Domestic violence is never acceptable. It includes all forms of violence, physical, verbal, sexual, emotional. In the end, after 30 years, I left my spouse. I have now lived on my own for 18 years and feel it was the best thing I did. My children had all grown up and left home so it was easier to have only myself to care for.

CM please consider carefully your options after you have consulted the organisations I have suggested. I hope you can find help and support from these places. Would love you to continue writing in here.

Mary

[calm_mind]

Dear White Rose,

Thank you very much. I appreciate your help. It feels good when people speak with understanding. Haven't had that experience much.

I shall aim to see a psychiatrist next. I did see one before with my GP's reference. I had sexual abuse history as well. I revealed that to the psychiatrist. He also would give 25-30 minutes per session and once a fortnight. after 3-4 months, I said that the sessions are very slow and I need help badly. He said, "What do you want me to do? Do you want me to hug you and comfort you?". I felt very angry and walked out. Did not tell anyone about this. Told my GP that i felt better and did not want any help. That is the end of that

I just hope BB can help me to find the right help.

I am in the process of selling my house and moving interstate. Once i settle in the new place, i shall follow up with what you said.

By the by, my daughter is now married and settled well. Moving closer to her.

[calm_mind]

Dear Croix,

thanks very much.

I need lots and lots of help to separate. I feel very weak and confused and vulnerable. Sometimes I feel that I need someone to hold my hand and walk with me. My mind is soo blank and confused It takes a lot of effort to do simple jobs.

Setting boundaries is what I am trying for a long time. It is hard to be stiff and rigid all the time. I need love, support, comfort, some one to talk to even simple / silly matter etc at least once in a while. I become vulnerable and go near him only to be hurt and pushed back. However, slowly learning to find balance to set boundaries. But still a long way to go to have a clear working, comfortable and safe boundaries.

Thanks again for the opportunity to share.

[calm_mind]

Dear Donte,

Thanks. You rightly said it - It is easy to lose who we are in a relationship.

I have become so numb, so weak, so blank that I don't know many things now.

I truly wish to meet someone who truly understands me and supports me to discover me again.

I need help.