What happened doesn't have to define me

[Mia001]

Hi everyone!

I'm new here. Not really sure what to do. Where do I start? Any suggestions?

Mia

[Mia001]

Hi Taurus,

Sorry I didn't get back to you. I guess you were probably worried about me. I just can't find the motivation to do anything anymore. Last weekend didn't go well and I don't think I passed the OET. I messed up at least 1 subtest. I was so upset at the time and Mum was there too, which made it even worse. When we got back, my aunt basically said I wasn't smart enough and if I go to uni I'm going to fail. I mean who says that! In front of Mum too!!! I've never went well in exams, because I don't like being watched all the time. But seriously, Mum is so upset and I really didn't need that. I mean, why does it always have to be your family that hurts you the most? I don't know who I can trust anymore. It seems like every time I open up to someone I find out they were just using me, and it breaks my heart.

I'm just not dealing with anything at the moment. Even getting out of bed in the morning is a struggle. All I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry. I want to pretend that I don't have a life, but I do and I have to keep going.

Sometimes I wonder why I don't just give up. I can't deal with this anymore. I just feel numb all the time. And so alone. Both my friends are studying for exams so they're busy and there isn't really anyone else. My nurse friend hasn't got back to me yet but I can't really talk openly to her because she would have to report it. I'm just so scared and alone. I desperately want to tell my psych but I don't think I can, and the appointment was moved forward to next Saturday because she's having an operation.

I just don't know what to do and I feel like I'm just trapped inside my head and I can't deal with this. What am I supposed to do? I don't even want to go to work but I've got a shift soon and I can't go like this. I'm not even sleeping well. I can't get to sleep and then I wake up early and I'm so tired. I only got 4 hrs sleep the night before and then did a closing shift and I'm just exhausted.

My brother told me he wants to do drugs and I'm so scared for him. I can't tell my parents it would do more harm than good. We have enough problems as it is and they're always arguing and I can't cope with it. I just can't live with this anymore.

Mia

[Guest_9809]

Hi Mia, good to hear from you again. Although it does sound like things are not exactly running smoothly for you right now. Really sorry to hear that. But before I go on, lets get one thing straight - please never feel obliged to respond here, so honestly there is no need to apologise for not replying sooner.

You are right though .. I do worry about you. You have a few things on your plate right now, and its no wonder you are struggling with it all.

All these thoughts, feelings and difficulties you are having right now are familiar to me, so I understand and sympathise.

I think its fortunate that your psych apt has been moved forward to this Saturday, as it sounds like you could use the extra support right now. I really think it would benefit you to talk openly to her when you do see her. You dont have to go into full specifics just yet. But please tell her that you have a story to tell, but dont yet feel confident about divulging it. You can still be totally upfront and frank about your current feelings and symptoms. She will understand and know how best to help you then. She need not know everything in order to help you Mia. Do you think you could handle it that way? At least until such time as you learn more about the under-18 mandatory reporting issue.

I can tell that you're scared Mia, but you arent alone. You have the support of the Forums here, and you have some really good friends whom you know will be there for you if or when you need them.

Alternatively Mia, if you ever feel you need to talk 'live' to a professional, please give the 24/7 Beyondblue support line a call on 1300 22 4636. If you choose to, you can talk anonymously. And they will also most likely be able to advise you about mandatory reporting issues. Perhaps it would be worth talking to them anyway, preferably prior to your psych appointment on Saturday.

Oh dear ... drugs! Ouch, not good for your brother. I too would be scared for him. Is your brother older or younger than you? When people we care about make bad choices it can be frustrating, confusing and scary. I would suggest you tell him this decision makes you afraid for him but that you remain there for him if needed. All you can really do is try to be a good role model and to continue to make smart choices yourself.

I will check back with you again later Mia, because your current mood concerns me. My apologies that I am a little preoccupied right now - my Mum is about to go into surgery.

Hugs sweetie.

Taurus xx

[james1]

Hey Mia,

I'm sorry things are super tough for you at the moment but I'm glad you've had Taurus here talking to you. She's a very caring person and it sounds like she's really connected with you here. I hope you don't mind if I jump in here as well?

You sound so very isolated at the moment. Your family are causing you so much pain without them even realising, you don't feel like you can tell your nurse friend or your psych, and your other friends are studying.

Taurus has already said most of what I wanted to say in terms of talking to and being honest with your psych. She is there for you, just like we are.

I just wanted to say thank you for letting us know what is going on. You have a lot going on and it must be so confusing to be thrown from one problem to another, without ever being able to just hold on to something or someone.

Can I make a little suggestion?

You have so much stress at the moment and so many things going on, it is no wonder that you don't feel like you can cope. I certainly couldn't.

But not everything needs to be fixed right now, and not everything is your problem to fix. I know it's hard because you're such a caring person, but your brother's issues are his to sort out. You can be the best role model you can be by taking care of yourself first. I haven't read through everything, but it sounds like your relationship with mum and your aunt is a bit strained at the moment, whether they know it or not. Is this something you'd like to change?

James

[Mia001]

Hi,

Taurus - How did your mother's surgery go? Hopefully, it all went well and she recovers soon.

James - I really don't mind if you jump in as well. It's good to hear from you 🙂

Yeah, it's probably better that my appointment was changed because I can't go on like this. My life is just a mess and I'm not dealing with it. I guess part of it is just because nothing is stable, there are too many unknowns. I need a constant and there's nothing to ground me. I have to get help, and being as open as I can with my psychologist is the best I can do at the moment. I guess I've got a lot to cover in 50 minutes, so it's probably a good thing I can talk really fast! I did phone the BB support line yesterday and they gave me a few numbers to ring.

My brother is 18, so one year older than me. He's always had a way of getting into trouble. I'm always worried about him, but I just never expected him to want to use drugs. WHY? Is something wrong that I don't know about? Maybe he's just trying to fit in with his friends and be cool. He's never been very responsible, but drugs? I'm so confused and I feel helpless because I know there's nothing I can do. He's an adult and it's his life. I just don't want to watch him ruin it. I've seen what drugs do to kids, families, relationships, and I don't want to stand by and watch that happen to him. I guess I want to believe that he doesn't really know what he's getting into, but I think he knows. He just thinks he's invincible and that doing it a few times won't hurt.

With Mum and my aunt... that's very complicated. The easiest explanation is that my aunt has always viewed her sister-in-law (Mum) as an outsider, and questioned everything she said/did. Her comment probably has something to do with the fact that she used to be my piano teacher. It didn't work though, because I found her intimidating. At the time, I was very young and couldn't really explain this, but my aunt felt that it was because I had a learning difficulty. I never really got on with her, but I thought that we could make it work and everything would be okay. Obviously, that's never going to happen. I wish it could, but I don't think it ever will. I'm just going to have to set limits and accept that the relationship is never going to be close. I think that she honestly thought she was helping me and saying it in a nice way, but that's not how it sounded. I guess I'm just hurt, and upset that Mum had to hear that.

Mia

[Guest_9809]

Good evening Mia. Thanks for asking. My Mum finally came out of surgery, recovery and back to her ward at 7.30pm last night. So it was a long wait. Took longer than expected as it was more extensive surgery than they'd hoped, and in recovery they took a long time to get pain under control. I rang last night but she was not able to talk. This morning however, she sounded good. She is hopeful of getting home tomorrow afternoon after the expected 2 nights in hospital. Fingers crossed she continues to make good progress with no setbacks. Prognosis unknown at this stage, as unable to speak to the surgeon for pathology etc. But will find out during the week whether any followup treatment will be required, or whether they are happy to leave things as they are.

Mia, I am very proud of you for calling the BB support line yesterday. Have you followed up on the numbers they provided you? And if so, have you managed to find the answers to your questions?

Who knows why people turn to drugs. I suppose it varies from person to person. I have an 18yo nephew who has dabbled in drugs since he got involved with the 'wrong crowd' at school a couple of years ago when he was 15 or 16. Its so sad because I can see him now just wasting his life. He does suffer from depression since then and has had some psych intervention when he was younger, but now that he's 18 he refuses further help. And of course you cant force him, as he is an adult know, and he will make his own mistakes. One hopes he will learn from them. I know that the situation is incredibly difficult for his Mum and Dad, as well as his younger brother who is 16.

It sounds as though you have analysed your difficult relationship with your aunt very well. And a number of things I am certain of, because it shines through - you are smart, you are intuitive, you are an extremely caring and nurturing young lady, you are determined, you are strong, and you will succeed in life!

I hope you have now received the answers you need to enable you to speak openly and honestly with your psych. This will be the first step you need to take in order to take this journey called life. Its not going to be easy, but I know you're up to it.

When will you find out the results of the OET test? I hope this weekend is treating you better than last. Talk again soon.

Taurus xx

[Mia001]

Hi Taurus,

Great to hear that your Mum's out of surgery and getting better. Hopefully, she can go home today!

I have started to follow up on the numbers the BB support line gave me. I rang 1800 RESPECT and had a good talk with them. At this stage, it seems like it would definitely be reported and investigated if I revealed enough details. Things change once you turn 18, but it might still have to be reported. But then again, maybe it can be reported without my family knowing. I'm not really sure. Anyway, I'll wait and see what my nurse friend can find out. At this point, my best option is like you said: be honest with my psych and we can start to deal with it. At least she'll know the cause of my problems even if she doesn't know all the details.

What you said about me was really kind. Thank you! I guess I've got a lot to deal with but you're right. That's just part of life, and nothing worthwhile is easy. There's going to be a lot of ups and downs, but every time I fall over I pick myself up again. I can do this, I just have to keep going and eventually I think I'm going to be okay. It just hurts a lot right now.

I'm not sure when I get the test results. Sometime toward the end of the month, I'll have to check the date. I'm trying not to think about it at the moment. This weekend has been better. I'm at home which is really nice, and I actually slept pretty well last night.

See you later 🙂

Mia

[Guest_9809]

Thanks Mia. Yes you have summed it all up beautifully. I told you that you were a smart cookie. (-:

Just want you to know that I will be away for most of this week, and will not have computer access. No smart phones or other mobile devices. Therefore I will not have the ability to post or read threads here on the Forums. I'm leaving on Tuesday morning to visit my Mum and Dad 7 hrs drive away to give Mum a hand when she comes home from hospital, and to help organise any support she needs. I'll most likely be back again Saturday evening. But that means I wont be here leading up to your psych apt next Saturday.

I will however be thinking of you, and hoping it all goes really well. I know you'll be fine.

Tell your psych as much as you're able to. Or at least that you have a story to tell but are unable to divulge the precise details right now. Be fully up front and precise about your symptoms and feelings though.

Pleased to hear that you are having a better weekend, and even got a decent night's sleep last night.

I know its really hard for you right now. You have a lot happening, a lot to consider. But you'll be okay, and it wont always be this hard. Take good care of yourself .. okay? I will check in with you on Saturday if not before.

Taurus xx

[Mia001]

Hi Taurus,

That's okay. It's good to hear that you're able to help your Mum after her surgery. I'm sure she'll appreciate the extra support. Hope you enjoy the time away!

My weekend was pretty good. It was nice to spend some time at home with Mum. Also spent an afternoon organizing and syncing my music to my iPod. (With the help of my younger brother of course. He's into computers and programming so he finds it easy!)

I'm looking forward to the appointment on Saturday. I just hope we can start to sort some things out.

Talk to you later,

Mia

[White_Rose]

Hello Mia

I haven't spoken to you for a while, partly because I have been unwell. However, getting well now if you would like to chat with me, especially now that Taurus is going away for a week.

I have read most of this thread but if I say something that is wrong, please let me know. I have a suggestion about disclosing abuse and if it is mandatory to do so. Would you look up the Women's Legal Service in your state. There is a branch in each state and they do not charge for the first and possibly the second consultation. The matter you want answered would be easy to deal with in one session as I imagine this is a familiar topic. No they cannot report your problem but if you are concerned ask first.

This is a safer option than relying on what a friend says however well intentioned they are. Make sure you contact the actual service rather than a law company who say they do work for the Legal Service. It's probably true they do offer consultations on behalf of the WLS but contact the service first. This is the national body www.wlsa.org.au Copy this address into your browser. You can search for a local service on this website.

I am so pleased you have talked about getting up again after a down time. They are really the pits and we sometimes need to remember our lives are not all like that. We do have some great moments that are worth celebrating and remembering.

Taurus has said a great many things to you and she is a wonderful and caring person. I want to remind you that your brother's decision about taking drugs is not up to you. He is old enough to know the consequences though I suspect he does not really believe how bad life can get on drugs. If you argue with him he may go ahead out of stubbornness, though as I don't know him I may be wrong. In any event I suggest you leave that topic alone. I know you will worry but you cannot do anything about it.

Only a few days to your next psych appointment. I think you said you write down what you want to talk about. It's a useful way to be prepared as you don't have unlimited time. I would love to know how you get on. Meanwhile if you want to continue chatting I will be here.

Mary

[james1]

Hello Mia,

Thank you for responding to me earlier and I'm glad you gave the numbers Taurus mentioned a call and found them helpful.

It sounds like you had quite a nice relaxing weekend. I think you've deserved a bit of a break with everything that's been happening, so I'm glad to hear that. Although, personally I found iPod syncing and organising to be a huge pain haha. Do you have your own library? I just use spotify now. I find it easier, though not all the songs are on it which frustrates me.

I'm glad you're looking forward to your appointment on Saturday. It sounds like you really want it to be a productive session and having that attitude is just perfect for actually having a productive session. My next one is on Saturday too 🙂

James