What happened doesn't have to define me

[Mia001]

Hi everyone!

I'm new here. Not really sure what to do. Where do I start? Any suggestions?

Mia

[Guest8901]

Dear Mia

I was so happy to read your latest post. I had been really concerned about you.

I havent been on the forums much myself the past couple of weeks. Been going through some pretty big issues. So I do apologise for not being here earlier. Things are now starting to settle down though, so here I am catching up with all my favourite people.

After reading your latest post I was feeling considerably more optomistic about your progress. It really does sound as though you have been putting steps in place to get your life back on track. Including no longer doing the joint house sitting with your brother.

Has the 10 week DBT course started yet? I'm confident it will be successful Mia.

Goodness me, how upsetting to be involved in the near miss with you losing control of your car. Phew, close call there. Perhaps the old cautious you will now return?

I hope you have continued to make progress since your last post Mia.

I hope Sundara continues to provide comfort and company to you when you need it. 🐈

Amanda 💜 💕

[Guest8901]

Dear Mia,

I just read your post on the Cafe thread. I'm really sorry to hear that you are feeling lonely and scared right now. Rather than respond on the Cafe, I thought it best to bring any conversation back here to your thread. Hope you dont mind.

Is there anything you feel you would like to talk about?

I've missed you actually, and often think of you. Its been quite a while since you last posted. I will be around until around 10.45pm if you need some company, or want to get something off your chest.

Amanda 💜 💕

[Mia001]

Hi Mandy,

As usual life is crazy. I met an amazing guy in May, now we’re breaking up because my parents disapprove. I feel broken. I haven’t selfharmed for 3 months. So scared that this is going to undo all the progress I’ve made.

I guess that’s a really short version of what’s been happening. I’ll post again hopefully tomorrow, otherwise in the next few days.

Sorry if this is a bit brief. I’m in shock at the moment. I just feel numb.

How have you been? Will have to catch up on your thread soon.

Mia xx

[Mia001]

Hi Mandy,

I thought I posted last night but it doesn’t seem to have went through so I’m gonna try again. 😊

How have you been? I’ll have to check out your thread sometime. It has been a long time since I’ve been here.

I finished the DBT course about a month ago. I’m still catching up with some of the others which is good.

I’ve been in a relationship with the most amazing guy and we just broke up. I feel numb. I still can’t believe he’s gone. I feel like my hearts been ripped out. He means so much to me, he’s been here for me. He encouraged me to and supported when I did tell my parents about the childhood abuse, my selfharm habit... now he’s gone.

The last few weeks have been hard. My mental health has been deteriorating to the point where I skipped my work placement, and my boyfriend had to take me to Emergency. I didn’t tell my parents. They have been increasingly against my boyfriend for various reasons and I think this was the last straw. They feel encouraged my depression and that if he cared about me he would have taken on the responsibility of telling them what was happening with me.

It turned into a 2 day argument during which I basically stayed in bed and cried. I felt like no one was listening to me. My parents were demanding we break up because of the significant age difference, his poor financial situation and apparent neglect of me. My boyfriend was hurt and rejected that they would turn on him. My parents were harassing me and trying to force me to make the decision they felt was best (breakup). My boyfriend was trying to manipulate me into the decision he felt was best. (Staying together)

I couldn’t win. If we stay together, I’m forced to move out and lose parents. If we break up, I lose my boyfriend.

We broke up. My mum even went with me to make sure I did. I understand that they want what’s best for me, but I feel broken, unheard, torn apart by the people I love, forced into choosing between family and partner.

I’m sorry about the rant. I feel lost. I know life will go on, but right now I don’t feel like there’s anything left to fight for. 💔

Mia

[Guest8901]

Dear Mia,

Sorry we didnt get to talk last night. I even sat up waiting, but your post didnt come through until this afternoon. How are you feeling today? Hopefully better than you were last night.

The last update we had from you was at the end of June. At that point you were flat out busy with TAFE, gym and working at fast food job and aged care trial. Your aged care trial was due to finish at the end of July. Can I ask how that went? I believe you were intending to quit your fast food job and concentrate of aged care work. So perhaps by now that, at least, has all settled down.

Hey how nice was that? Finally ... a benefit to having depression! Free TAFE enrolment and costs. Nice. Although I'm sure you would prefer to be without the depression, as would we all. 💜

Are you still at home Mia? I'm sure Sundara loves having you there. Our pets are so important, arent they? 🐈

Did you ever do the Dialectical Behavioural Therapy you spoke about in June, to treat selfharm? I know you had booked to do the 10 wk course, and am interested to hear how you found it all. You said last night that you had not self harmed in 3 months, so that is definitely a big positive Mia. And perhaps the course has been responsible for that progress? Teaching you how to control thoughts and emotions and to help divert from self harm by dealing with your thoughts before SH occurs.

I'm so sorry you are feeling broken, numb and in shock right now. It must be so difficult to feel you need to break up with your bf because your parents disapprove. Can I ask if they disapprove of this particular bf, or would they disapprove of any bf? I realise that if you are living under your parents roof, then you are somewhat beholden to their wishes. However, as an 18yo, you are an adult and have legal right to make your own choices. Whether that be bf or any other decision in life.

Have you told your parents how breaking up with him has made you feel? Do you think it may be worth trying to talk further with them about this? How did your bf take the break up discussion? I really am sorry Mia. To have met an amazing guy, only to have to stop seeing him, must be devastating for you. You really do need a close friend, one who understands and cares for you.

Please stay strong Mia, as I'd hate to see your hard earned progress undone. Are you are still seeing a counsellor or psych, but if not, would it be possible to get in to see one now? Just to help you deal with this.

Amanda 💕

[Guest8901]

Dear Mia,

Just letting you know that I read your post when it came through this afternoon. I also replied this afternoon, but my post appears to be lost. I have a feeling I may have hit a wrong button. 😯 Anyway I am not ignoring you. If the post does not appear by morning, I will try to reconstruct what I wrote this afternoon.

I really hope you are feeling better than you were yesterday.

Comforting hug and kindest thoughts coming your way beautiful. 💜

Amanda 💕

[Mia001]

I’m pushing everyone away with my actions. I selfharmed again, I haven’t done it for so long but it felt familiar. I sit here and cry. My heart feels broken. My family is broken. Dad is kms away but we still fight like he was here. I watch myself slip back into old habits, and I don’t want to do it. I don’t want to. But something makes me do it anyway. I’m scared. Sometimes I wish I wasn’t here, that I wouldn’t wake up. But last time I woke up in the ICU and I was terrified. I could have died. But still I keep coming back here, repeating it over and over. I see how much it hurts my family but I still do it anyway. I don’t know what is wrong with me or how to fix it. Sometimes I just don’t want to be here. Sometimes I wake up in the hospital and I don’t even care that I’m still alive. That I could have died. I just want someone to hold me. I want things to be ok again.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Mia001,

We can hear the pain in your post and we are so sorry to hear that you are feeling so distressed at the moment. Don't forget, we are all here for you. There is always support available to you when you need it. We have sent you a private message to offer some additional support.

We know that have already heard this, but just to remind you, you can always call a crisis line when things are becoming overwhelming, when you feel that you might self harm. It can really help just to talk to someone about how you're feeling:

•    Lifeline – 13 11 14 and https://www.lifeline.org.au/Get-Help/Online-Services/crisis-chat (online chat available 7pm-4am)
•    Suicide Call Back Service – 1300 659 467

And don't forget, always call 000 (triple zero) if you are in immediate danger to yourself.

We hope that you keep talking it out with your friends on the forums. We hear that you just want some support and you want things to be ok again. Things can always improve, and you reaching out for help is a great step in working towards things becoming better for you. We think you are so strong.


Sophie M.

[Mia001]

It’s been a while since I’ve been on here. I’m now 21, work full time in disability support, soon to be studying nursing (again!) and going well in life. I haven’t selfharmed for about 6 months. I’ve been feeling positive and had energy to do things.

I started seeing a psychologist about a month ago after not seeing anyone for over a year. I had my 3rd session with her on Thursday. She went over the results of a PTSD test and said I’m borderline - my score was only just enough to qualify. She asked me a bunch more questions around my sexual trauma and was getting quite distressed. At the end of it all, she said ‘it didn’t match up’ ‘I don’t fit PTSD or BPD diagnoses fully’ ‘there’s a piece of the puzzle missing’ I get the impression she thought I was lying to her in my answers... I don’t if I was or not... maybe I’m lying to myself?

I thought she didn’t want was wrong or how we could fix it and I started to fall to pieces. I was just sitting there staring at eyes because some how it was the only thing that seemed real and familiar and grounded. I couldn’t speak and was silently crying and willing her to understand what was happening.

I felt so trapped, scared, hopeless, screaming for help inside. She seemed confused asked if I felt sorrow or if I was angry at her. She eventually had to end the session and said she’d call on her break. I walked out trying not too look at the people in the waiting room.

I walked back to the train station like a zombie, spaced out and tears running down my face. I needed to go to the toilet and get away from everyone and after wandering around I found the bathroom. I locked myself in curled in the corner. I was shaking and hyperventilating. My phone rang and turned it off. I don’t know how long it was, but people banged on the door and I stayed quiet. At some point, I tried to selfharm but couldn’t find the sharp object I keep in my bag. I gave up.

The train people eventually opened the door and was terrified, shaking and my face twitching, crying uncontrollably. I remember saying please don’t hurt me and my voice sounded weird.

They left me and shut the door and after a while 2 police came in. I was so scared and I couldn’t escape, I just wanted to shrink further into the corner. The female asked my name and I spoke but there was no sound. They eventually made me come out to the train office and searched my bag and me. They found the sharp object and took it away. The female stood in the doorway blocking my exit.

[Mia001]

After an hour or so I calmed down and felt more normal. I was still scared and waited with the police for a long time. They wouldn’t let me go and eventually the ambulance arrived and talked to me.

I felt so ashamed and scared, I didn’t want them to tell my psych or mum, I just wanted to go home. I was nauseous and dizzy. I had the choice of hospital or them calling mum and taking me home from the train station in an ambulance. I went home and slept and then my friend wanted to meet up for dinner to talk about our mutual friend who died unexpectedly recently. I went back into the city for that and then couldn’t find my car at the train station and reported it stolen only to find it. This triggered me to want to selfharm and OD but I calmed down when I found my car.

I don’t really know why I told you guys all of that but it keeps playing over in my mind and I relive it. I need to talk to SOMEONE before I see my psych in 2 wks.

Thanks for reading this...
Mia