What happened doesn't have to define me

[Mia001]

Hi everyone!

I'm new here. Not really sure what to do. Where do I start? Any suggestions?

Mia

[Mia001]

Hi James,

All on the list is correct... except I'm not at school. Just hoping to enrol in the Fiploma of Nursing next year.

I find counselling so hard. Every time we get close to talking about something important, I close up. It's not that I don't want to talk about it (Though sometimes I don't). I'm just too scared or I don't know. Something is making me hold back. I know I should tell her, but I can't. I feel like I'm just wasting her time by messing about like this.

My appointment is next Wednesday.

Mia

[james1]

Hello Mia,

Have you ever tried sending her stuff by email? I struggle to talk about things too but I find it easier if I do it by email when I'm not there.

Otherwise people also often suggest printing things and giving them.

Even if you still can't talk about it in person, at least she knows more about the issues that are troubling you.

James

[Mia001]

Hi James,

No, I haven't ever emailed. I can text but since I have a cheap phone with buttons it would take forever to text so I haven't. I could ring her but it's not really an emergency. I will copy some of my posts here for next week though.

Mia

[james1]

Hello Mia,

Sorry I hope I wasn't being too pushy.

If you feel like you can copy some of your posts here, that sounds like a good idea. You could even put them in a little envelope like a letter and seal it if it makes it easier. The main thing is to get it out to her and then, in your own time, you'll find it easier to actually speak about it.

Or at least that's the hope anyway!

Hope your day is going okay. When will you be able to enrol for the diploma? It sounds exciting.

James

[Mia001]

Hi James,

Don't worry, you're not too pushy. 😊 It's all good.

I've started the enrolment process already. I sat the literacy and numeracy test at TAFE today. I just have to complete and hand in the enrolment form. I should find out if I have an interview by late November/early December. If I pass the interview I'm pretty sure that means I'm in!

Mia

[White_Rose]

Dear Mia

Sorry for not posting and thanks to James for picking up my slack.

Mia the list James posted about what's going on in your life is a burden that most people would struggle with. Although you have left school and go to work there are many things you have not come across. It's all before you. You cannot be expected to manage all this grief.

Can you print James' list for a start. It sums up wonderfully what you are coping with. Also the post to James and me on 08/11/02017 as it contains your fears, the post to James after his list on 08/11/2017 and any other posts you think are relevant. It seems to me you have reached a point in your life where you need to start climbing. Taking the guilt to yourself is not helpful to you and definitely untrue. You are responsible for yourself, responsible for getting through this time and leading your life in freedom from fear and horrible memories. You are not and never can be responsible for the actions of others, especially when you were a child.

Having said that I do understand why you take this on board. I have done so myself many time. Not about this particular issue but other soul-damaging situations that I still deal with. I have found that blaming myself makes it easier to do nothing. If it is my fault in any way I can leave it because it means I need to deal with it. Or, if I speak out will it all come crashing down on me because I was at fault in some way?

You have said if your parents find out you will be in trouble. Well I cannot understand this but I accept this is how you feel. Would you talk to your parents if there was no fear of retribution? Do you think your parents care more about your brother than about you? OK I will stop nagging, I know you are not happy and my words are probably making things worse for you. I am trying to get you to look at the situation in a different way.

Good to hear you have started to enrol. Next year will come round very quickly but waiting until you hear about your interview will no doubt seem to take ages.

Mia look after yourself first.

Mary

[Mia001]

Hi Mary,

It's ok that you didn't post immediately. 😊 Please don't be sorry.

I've already copied my posts and I will print them next time I'm at the library. Hopefully showing it to my counsellor will help her understand what's going on, even if we don't talk about it.

You're right about there being a lot going on. I feel like every time I'm going well, life throws something else at me, and honestly, I'm not sure how much more I can take before I break.

If I knew my parents would be gentle and supportive, I probably would tell them. I would tell Mum except it would break her heart, and I can't ask her to keep it from Dad.

I don't think my parents care more about my brother. I just know from past experience what will happen. Sometimes I feel like it's just convenient to put most of the blame on me, because I feel guilty and will listen to them, whereas my brother will just argue, whether he's right or not. Somehow it's always my fault for being to sensitive. Their attitude always seems to be "yes, he hit you but you shouldn't have hit him back." I can only take so much before I lose it. Why did he hit me in the first place? Sometimes it was my fault, but sometimes he was just being a bully.

Mia

[White_Rose]

Hello Mia

I smiled a little at your comment, "yes, he hit you but you shouldn't have hit him back." I'm smiling because my psychiatrist was talking to me about that exact situation with her children. Since she never steps over the personal information boundary I was very surprised but I accepted her story was an illustration. Anyway her point was to the child who hit back was, "Why didn't you come to me when ..... hit you? Now you are in trouble for hitting". I think she was telling me to stop and think before speaking or acting. At any rate I get the point, I react and respond instead of thinking and being constructive. Why is it we learn all about self management and then find we need to learn more?

I have to take issue with your comment, Sometimes it was my fault, but sometimes he was just being a bully. Yes the argument or fight may have been your fault to some extent but hitting someone is never excusable. Maybe we both need to learn the same lesson, walk away before the situation escalates.

There is an ad on TV about stopping domestic violence which I think is very good. The ad I mean. It starts by showing a young boy slamming a door shut in the face of a young girl causing her to fall and drop something she was carrying. Mom comes and helps her up saying, "It's alright, he does that because he likes you." Then there are several scenarios as the girl grows up. The message of course is that violence is never acceptable.

I think we see so much violence that we have become accepting and think of it as the norm. It happens all around us from the boy slamming the door to world leaders squaring up for fight. However talking politics is not helpful.

Goodness me I have become all deep and meaningful.

Mary

[james1]

"Sometimes it was my fault, but sometimes he was just being a bully."

Totally true Mia. We all know we can be mean and nasty in an argument, but physical violence is not on and, yes, he was totally being a bully.

We can work on being less mean and nasty in an argument, and we can get ourselves out of those bully-type situations by speaking out and being equally respectful to ourselves as we are to others.

Anyway, all this you've already said yourself.

I have a chipmunk toy which just repeats what people say, but in a higher pitch. I feel like I'm doing the same here 🙂

You're doing well! These questions you're asking and frustrations you're showing - that's you fighting for you. Keep it up.

James

[Mia001]

Hi everyone,

Thanks for your replies. I know there are people there for me, but I can still feel very alone. Sometimes I wonder why I don't give up on my life. I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle... with myself.

I didn't go well at work yesterday. I'm having this afternoon and tomorrow off as I'm just not coping. I can't focus and I'm spacing out all the time. I may try to take the rest of the week off, but I'm not sure. I'll talk to my counsellor about it tomorrow.

Mia