What happened doesn't have to define me

[Mia001]

Hi everyone!

I'm new here. Not really sure what to do. Where do I start? Any suggestions?

Mia

[Guest8901]

Hi Mia 🙋

No pressure to respond, as I know you're very busy and perhaps dont feel like talking at present.

Just wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you, and that I care. Hope you're okay. 🌹

Amanda 💜

[White_Rose]

I just noticed that I said in my last post your ADs come in with a bang at once. Totally wrong. I meant to say your ADs do not come in with a bang. I suspect I think more quickly than my hands can type and often miss out words. Usually I read my posts before sending them into the world but obviously I missed that one, which is unfortunate given the misleading information.

Congratulations on getting your 'P' plates. It great to have that independence.

Good you are noticing changes and that you are able to talk about your self harming. I think you are becoming more confident and asking for help in various areas. Great stuff.

Mary

[Mia001]

Hi everyone,

Sorry I haven’t been around. Just letting you know I’m ok and will post again soon.

Mia ❤️🤗😘

[White_Rose]

Thank you for letting us know how you are travelling. I do hope you cold has disappeared and you are less tired. How are you going with work and study? It can be quite a juggling act to do well at both. I believe you have the skills to manage work and study because you have lots of motivation.

Remember this phrase although I suspect you are too young to have heard it. Softlee, softlee catchee monkee'

Mary

[Mia001]

Hi everyone,

Sorry that it’s taken so long to get back to you. While I’m okay at the moment, a lot has happened in the last few weeks and I’m still trying to process it all. I’m going to try and explain everything that’s happened lately since my last post. Hopefully it all makes sense.

My last appointment with my counsellor went fine. I was feeling good so we booked my next appointment for 2 weeks time. I’ve gone downhill since then. 😏

Working in aged care has been a struggle. While there are times that I enjoy it, I feel like I’m failing. Everything is triggering my anxiety. I can’t concentrate, I’m spacing out, making mistakes...

I broke down into tears after finishing a long shift one night. I reached the point where I realised I’m exhausted - emotionally, mentally and physically. I’ve poured my energy into fighting this depression and it feels like there’s nothing left. Something has to give.

I spoke to 2 of the staff that I trust and who have both been supportive. They agreed that I needed to tell my supervisor. I spoke to her last week and she seemed understanding. I’m taking a risk by telling her about my past and mental health issues but I don’t feel I had a choice. My mental health has to come first. My supervisor has agreed to roster me on a few morning shifts per week and see how I go.

I’m on holidays at my fast food job so I contacted my manager yesterday. She already knows about my issues but I updated her on what’s been happening and explained the situation with my aged care job. I’ll be working a few shifts in fast food and a few in aged care each week for the moment. Hopefully this will just be temporary measure until I’m back on my feet again.

I self harmed earlier this week. I went to Emergency to be checked and treated. I’ve spoken to my counsellor about it and will be seeing her on Tuesday. I’m also seeing my GP on Tuesday. My suicidal thoughts have been much worse lately and the recent self harm incident has left me a little concerned that things could escalate. I’m looking into some more support (psychologist?) and have an appointment with Mental Health on Wednesday.

I think all these events have left me in shock, but I’m still recovering from it all. Fortunately I don’t have to be back at work for another 3 days. Plenty of time to recuperate. I just need to focus on self care and keep reaching out for support.

Mia

[Mia001]

One more thing I forgot to mention...

It’s an awkward and complicated situation... my friend asked me to be his girlfriend. I said no. He had been showing an interest in me and spending time with me over the last few weeks. I realised that he had a crush on me and told him I wasn’t interested. He said it was fine but later he wrote me a long message about how he loved me. I said yes only to text him that night saying it was a mistake. I feel guilty for messing with him like this. I had feelings for him too... I just don’t think he’s the right guy and I’m not ready for a relationship. I’ve never had a boyfriend. It’s scary. It’s something I think I want but there’s so much to consider. My past abuse adds a whole new level of complicated. One more thing to add to my stress.

[Guest8901]

Dear Mia. My apologies its taken me so long to get back to you.

Thanks for your update. It sounds as though its been a really difficult week or two. 😿

However there is a positive that I can see. You have taken responsibility for your own welfare and put plans in place to help you get through this difficult period. Rearranging your work load and talking openly to work managers etc is not an easy task. You have taken a very mature and responsible approach to the issues at hand. So very well done on that.

Really sorry the self harm and SI is continuing. I hope you can seek additional support through a psychologist to help you work through that. Hopefully your apt with mental health on Wednesday can put some plans in place to get that happening.

Has your 3 days off through the weekend given you a chance to draw breath and recover from the shock of all thats been happening for you lately?

As if you didnt have enough to contend with, along comes your friend wanting to formalise your friendship in some way. I think youve done the right thing by saying no. I understand your reluctance to enter a relationship as there are lots of factors at play here.

Definitely best deferred for now. Still plenty of time for that later, when you're better equipped to deal with it. Your special time will come, there is really no rush.

Really sorry everything seems so difficult right now. But it will get easier with the right professional support. For now though, you're doing amazingly well. You really are a very special and inspirational young lady. 💞

Amanda 💜

[White_Rose]

Hello Mia

Sounds like you have been managing a whole heap of things. Getting tired is sometimes a result of too many uncomfortable events and sometimes it is the cause of these events. Either way it's not good. Give yourself a Brownie point for getting through it. You are doing well.

How exciting being asked to date someone. Of course if you are not ready yet it's a bit scary but consider it one more step forward, people find you attractive. I think I would have to lose a few years and kilos before someone asked me out.

How has the weather been just lately? It's getting colder and winter is just about here. Less sunlight and less inclination to be outside. This may be having an effect on you both emotionally and physically. If you can get out into the sunshine it may help you feel less tired. We need that vitamin A from the sun which is usually blocked by warm clothing at this time of the year. Going for a walk may seem counter intuitive when you are tired but may well help your mood and body. Riding a bike will accomplish the same effect.

Working with people is far more exhausting than working in the fast food shop. Talking and learning about needs and how to help does not just happen. It takes a lot of emotional energy to be interacting in groups or one to one. Sometimes there is the added difficulty of learning to understand what people say. Do you help them to join in activities? This also requires more attention and concentration. Please do not beat yourself up about your apparent lack of skills and stamina. This will come. You have the most important of these in your desire to help. Always a good place to start.

Soon you will find your muscles getting stronger and your stamina will increase. It can take time. Probably sounds silly but make sure you have enough water. A few mouthfuls between assisting various people will be most beneficial. Take the full break time and have something to eat even if you don't feel like it. Think of some tasty meals to take to work.

I am concerned about your self harm. This has cropped up a lot in the past couple of months. Who have you talked to about this? I think it's time to see a psychiatrist or psychologist. Don't be scared of either one. Got to your local Medicare officer and ask about your safety net contributions. I suggest seeing a psychiatrist rather than going though the rigmarole of getting a Mental Health Plan.

Please look after yourself.

Mary

[Guest8901]

Dear Mia.

I really miss your old profile picture! Your new one about 'breaking inside' makes me feel very sad.

You havent posted in close to 2 weeks and I'm concerned about you sweetie. I do not mean to put pressure on you to post, because I know you will when you can or want to. But I needed you to know that I continue to think of you. I care about you Mia, very much.

Wishing only the best for you, and sending you much love and a warm hug.

Amanda 💜

[Mia001]

Hi everyone,

Amanda - I'm sorry that my profile picture made you sad. I didn't mean to upset anyone.

Sorry it's been a while since I've been here. I started to write a post a couple of times... but each time I deleted it. I'll try to summarise what's been happening...

I think there are 2 separate issues that I'm dealing with at the moment.

1. Depression/anxiety/suicidal thoughts/self harm. A lot has happened in the past year - harassment at work, my brother's drug habit, new job, getting my driver's license, studying nursing... the list goes on. I'm struggling to adjust to so many changes in my life. The increasing suicidal thoughts have been fueled by my feelings of hopelessness, and lack of control in my life. The self harm is a coping mechanism to express my emotional pain and prevent me from acting on my thoughts.
2. Past sexual abuse. I deal with this on a daily basis. I have nightmares of being abused and wake up thinking its still happening. If someone touches me, I flinch. I'm constantly being reminded of what happened to me. At home, I live with my brother. At work, I care for residents who are sometimes aggressive or sexually inappropriate.

I'm trying to take care of myself and get support.

1. Medication. My GP and the team at MH will be focusing on the depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, and self harm. My GP had prescribed meds, which I haven't been taking every day, so she changed it to a different med, a mood stabiliser. However the psychiatrist from MH suggested that the first med I was on is much more likely to have a positive effect. I'm back on it and I have been feeling much better. I haven't self harmed in over a week. I'm hoping its the meds starting to kick in.
2. Counselling. My counsellor specifically deals with sexual assault. I have avoided talking about the abuse as my current problems seemed more important. My counsellor has suggested that we start working through this again if I feel ready. It hurts to talk about it and I'm scared to open up but I know I've been avoiding the issue and its not helping. I want to be able to trust and have normal relationships. I want to HEAL.
3. Selfcare. I have been isolating myself from my friends, family and BB forums. I'm making an effort to catch up and keep interacting with my friends and family. I basically work, eat and sleep. I'm trying to do one nice thing for myself each day: go to the movies or gym, have a bath, read a book.

Mia