What happened doesn't have to define me

[Mia001]

Hi everyone!

I'm new here. Not really sure what to do. Where do I start? Any suggestions?

Mia

[Mia001]

Hi everyone,

Just wanted to add to my previous post...

I'm housesitting with my brother again. We'll be here for about 6 weeks, then home for 6 weeks, then the owners will be on away for a few months so we'll be back. I'm enjoying being in town and close to the gym, TAFE, work etc. I do miss Sundara though.

Work is going great. I worked a long shift on Sunday and its like something clicked... I was much more confident and happy, and initiating tasks. The staff have noticed and commented on my improvement. I'm actually excited to go to work! Since I have the float shifts, my work load is reduced and much more manageable. I enjoy having some time to chat to a resident or go for a walk with them.

I only have one assessment for TAFE so far and I have done a little work on it. I'm not too worried since it isn't due for a few months. I'm trying to focus on my mental health at the moment and not worry too much about my study. I'm trying to build a routine at the moment. I aim to study and spend some time doing something nice (reading etc) each day. I'm also hoping to go to the gym on the days I'm not working.

I'm going to be okay.

Mia

[White_Rose]

Hello Mia

Another quite positive post. Congratulations.

I think dealing with the sexual abuse is going to take time to get to a place where it is far less hurtful and you stop having nightmares. Unfortunately it's one foot after the other, but when you can see yourself moving forward it will be great.

Do you believe you will be safe with your brother? I don't mean physically but emotionally. He is a constant reminder of the past and some days I think will be harder than others. If you are dealing with other matters with the MH team then I see no reason to avoid the abuse with your counsellor. I believe it would be best for you to tell the MH people about the abuse and explain you are getting therapy from your counsellor. Knowing your past is important for the MH team and the psychiatrist to know as this impinges on the rest of your life.

Be careful not to let your assignments fall behind. I have said I have plenty of time and suddenly it's D day. It will also give you a feeling of freedom to have this assignment done without the other matters piling up.

Good news about work. What you describe about everything falling into place is very common. It takes a lot of work and feeling you are stupid for not catching on, then suddenly the light goes on. It's a great feeling.

Please look after yourself and get some rest.

Mary

[Guest8901]

Dear Mia. Well aren't you the thoughtful young lady, to change your profile pic. Yes your other one did make me sad, but sad for you. I hope you can feel, and live, this latest profile pic? Which incidentally is so much more positive than the other, thankfully short term, version of Wednesday.

Oh yes .. There is absolutely no doubt at all that you have gone, and continue to go, through more than anyone of your tender age of 18 should ever have to go through. Please give yourself due credit for just how well you are coping with it all.

So happy to hear that your medication has changed and that everything now seems to be back on track.

Of course you want to heal! We all do. Trust your counsellor, who specialises in sexual assault, and as soon as you feel up to it recommence your therapy with her. Yes, its going to hurt emotionally, but its going to be worth the short term pain, for the likely long term gain. You are so young, with so much life ahead of you. You deserve to enjoy every single minute of it. Do whatever you need to do in order to give you that chance. You can, and will, have normal loving relationships ahead of you. Dont feel that you need to rush things though. It will all happen in your own good time and when your ready and comfortable. It will be all the more special when it does.

Good on you for maintaining contact with family and friends. Unfortunately it is way too easy to allow ourselves to become very isolated when we are struggling emotionally. Keep up the good work with your self care and giving yourself time for one thing for you each day. Its a hard thing to do, I know, with your work routine being pretty full on. Staying in town should make this side of things easier for you at least.

So pleading to hear that you are now enjoying work. To Have everything finally click would have given you a much needed confidence boost. Must have been nice to hear that others at your work have also noticed the improvement. Well done!

Yes .... you are going to be okay! You will thrive and progress, just as you should.

Its a long weekend - are you working, or having time off? Is there any chance you could take Sundara with you to the place you housesit? 🐈🐱

Amanda 💜

[Mia001]

Hi everyone,

I’m feeling a bit down again. I self harmed again yesterday. I spent nearly 5 hours in Emergency by the time I’d been treated and seen the MH team. I’m disappointed in myself since I was going so well. I feel... broken. I’m so afraid that I won’t ever be normal. My trust in myself and others was destroyed a long time ago.

I’m seeing my counsellor and MH this week. The MH team knows that I’m seeing my counsellor for sexual abuse, although I didn’t feel comfortable enough to tell him about my brother and what happened.

It is really hard living with my brother. I feel unsettled whenever he’s around and I don’t look forward to going back each afternoon.

I worked on the weekend and had yesterday off. I’ve picked up a few shifts at my fast food job but I’m going to cut back in the next few weeks to give me a break.

Unfortunately I can’t bring Sundara with me while I’m housesitting. 😕

I’m at TAFE now trying to get some study done. I’m going to a gym class in a few hours.

Mia

[james1]

Hi Mia,

I am sorry I haven't posted in a while. Truth be told, I have been very caught up in my own life and I also try to balance talking to new people on the forums. But I have been following your conversation and I wanted to post because it sounds like you have had a bad time for a little while now. I am really sad to hear that.

I don't have much advice to give because I think you are doing everything you need to. But I did want to let you know that I am watching your thread and I am totally not disappointed in you. I know you feel really broken and I am so sad to hear you feel that way. But in a way, things had to be broken for you to heal.

For so long, you had a bandaid over the sexual abuse and it had to be taken off at some point. So while I am really sad to hear you so upset, I am also very impressed and pleased that you managed to surround yourself with support before you took off the bandaid.

You have the counsellor and MH team and us supporting you. It is okay to feel the way you do because it's part of the healing process. Please keep posting. We know each day is a struggle, and each post marks a new step through the struggle.

James

[White_Rose]

Dear Mia

So sorry to learn you are having a bad time again. It's good you have the MH team helping and supporting you. I was concerned you would be unhappy living with your brother while house sitting. Is there any way you can live there alone or perhaps you go home and leave your brother to house sit. I imagine you are thinking your parents may want an explanation and possibly this is the time to tell them what happened. If not, can you find a reason to go home? I think it's asking a lot for you to spend six weeks in the same house as your brother with no one else there.

I think you said you were going to do another stint of house sitting after this one again with your brother. Can you get out of this? It's clearly not helping you. Did you tell the MH team where you are living and your brother is there also? I am very concerned you are self harming again and so often. Did you take yourself to the ER? Please find someone to take you to ER in future. Well actually it would be better if you no longer self-harmed. I know you are trying to fight off the other memories by harming but I wonder at the cost.

Mia, please take the MH team into your confidence. I know you are hesitant about trusting people but these are safe people to talk to and can help you so much. They need to know the whole story. Did you talk about house sitting with your brother?

I am sorry I sound like a nag. It's because I am so concerned about your well-being and happiness. You know what you say to the MH is not going to get out the door. I am so sad you are doing it so tough. You can heal, I know that. Mia, I have been through a lot of abuse and I have found it hard to trust anyone. I have never told my children what happened to me. I feel it's different telling your own children about something bad to telling your parents. Please try and ask your MH team what they think about you talking to mom and dad.

Who is Sundara? You have mentioned this name before and I wonder if I have missed something in one of your posts.

You wrote, I feel... broken. I’m so afraid that I won’t ever be normal. My trust in myself and others was destroyed a long time ago. Trust is so hard to give when your trust has been so dreadfully abused in the past. You can heal. You are just setting out as a young lady, one that has great courage. Sometimes it feels as though you are the biggest chicken for not doing something but it's not true. You can get well. Write here often.

Mary

[Guest8901]

Dear Mia,

Its a week today since your last update, so I thought I'd quickly check in to see how you're doing. I often think of you, but dont like to post too often as I know you're busy and dont want you to feel obligated to respond.

I was so sad to read last Tuesday that you have been self harming again and had to spend time in A&E to be treated. But please dont be so disappointed in yourself. The important thing is that you have sought help, are receiving appropriate care and things will definitely improve for you.

You say you feel broken. Think of yourself as one of those beautiful mosaics. Something which was once whole but became broken, but then put back together to become an even more beautiful and stronger version of the original.

I also have to ask the question - What is normal? I know you have lost trust in others, and understandably so, but you have no reason not to trust yourself or your instincts. You know what you need to do, and you are learning how to do it, with the help of MH professionals around you.

I hope your appointments with both your counsellor and MH went well last week. Perhaps by now you have told your MH team about what happened with your brother. I hope so anyway, as it will assist them in being able to take better care of you and to properly advise you about options.

I can fully understand why you feel ill at ease while staying with your brother alone while housesitting in town. I expect you both would normally have different work shifts, but there would always be an overlap, and definitely possible to avoid him at all times. Could you perhaps take turns at housesitting? Week or fortnight each and then swap?

I am just wondering if your parents are now aware of your self harming? As you had to receive treatment at hospital last time, then you may not have been able to hide the evidence. If they do know, then I feel sure they would help you in any way they can. And certainly would not question your need to alternate the housesitting role with your brother. Just a thought.

You may be taking a bit of a break from your fast food job this week? Hopefully this gives you a chance for recovery and perhaps some additional counselling sessions. Keep up your TAFE study and also the gym sessions. Sorry Sundara cant go with you into town. Mary - Sundara is Mia's cat.

I'm proud of you young lady. And never feel reluctant to post here any time you want to vent, release or need some support.

Amanda 💜

[White_Rose]

Dear Mia

I do love your avatar and the message is so true. Many years ago I stitched a picture of a teddy in sunglasses throwing open the window and saying, "The future's so bright, I gotta wear shades". It's on my wall and it really helped me to get through some dark times.

Do you have anything to remind you that you are moving forward? Something you can see easily and perhaps carry round with you. Physically touching something of significance is a good way of grounding yourself and reminding you that you have moved forward and can continue to do so. Perhaps you can get one of those plastic tags and attach it to your car keys. It's small but you can write one or two words of significance or perhaps put in a small picture. Sundara? (Thanks for telling me Amanda)

Finances are always important I know, but can you work fewer shifts at the fast food shop? You have loaded yourself up with work and is the basis I suspect for your tiredness. Perhaps less work and more 'me' time. Our pets give us unconditional love and are great for helping with depression. Sitting the cat on your lap and stroking him/her is therapeutic. That soft hair is so soothing. If you can, try sitting with Sundara.

Mary

[Mia001]

Hi everyone,

Thank you so much for your replies and sorry I've been so slack. James - Its great to hear from you again!

My life has been crazy lately. Work, TAFE, gym, appointments. I'm hopefully getting back on track though. I'm on holidays from my fast food job again. Working the 2 jobs was just too much. My trial in aged care will be over by the end of July. If all goes well with that, I'll be leaving my fast food forever.

I had a near miss in my car the other day. I was late for TAFE and going to fast around a slippery corner when my car slid out of control. Scary but fortunately me and my car are unscathed. I guess its taught me to be more careful! What happened to the cautious me? I did get to TAFE just as they were starting. Put my bag on my seat and then ran out the door and cried. I ended up talking to the TAFE counsellor for an hour until I calmed down. It was helpful in a few ways actually. She is helping me to get some extra support (possibly 1:1 tutoring) to help me study. Another thing she mentioned - a diagnosis of depression counts as a disability, so I qualify for a fee exemption which means my course is free!

I'm not housesitting with my brother anymore. I've been home for 2 weeks now. Sundara, my gorgeous kitty, missed me. One of the other cats has been sleeping on my bed every night too. I think everyone missed me. Its so nice to be back home.

I've had 2 appointments with MH since my last post here. He suggested Dialectical Behavioural Therapy to treat my selfharm, so I'm booked in for a 10 wk group course. There are 4 elements to DBT: mindfulness, distress tolerance, emotional regulation, and interpersonal effectiveness. The idea is to teach me how to control my thoughts and emotions, so that when I'm triggered I can deal with it before I selfharm.

I'll try to post more later.

Mia

[White_Rose]

Hello Mia

Lovely to hear from you. Yes, working too hard or on too many things at the same time is exhausting. I'm glad you have given yourself permission to slow down.

Good to hear you are back home with Sundara. I have heard of DBT but never tried it. It sounds like something that would be good for me. Love to hear how you go. I like the sound of those four four elements. Many of our problems are due to not managing distress or emotion.

I was in a car accident in January this year. I was in a line of traffic when someone up front braked suddenly and everyone behind braked. I was the last one to stop without hitting another car. The car behind me ran in to me. The driver was so angry and started abusing me. Apparently I was travelling too fast, not attending to what I was doing and too close to the car in front. I pointed out I was the one to stop without hitting anyone but he ran into me. When we started to exchange details I discovered he was not insured. So not hard to work out why he was so rude. My insurance waived my excess and made him pay it. What an idiot. Still not a comfortable event. I found I was looking in my rear mirror every time I had to slow down or stop to see if the car behind was going to stop.

Good luck in finding the counsellor and getting some help. A bonus getting your fees paid.

Mary