What happened doesn't have to define me

[Mia001]

Hi everyone!

I'm new here. Not really sure what to do. Where do I start? Any suggestions?

Mia

[james1]

Hey Mia,

Yeah, that's basically why I started reading short stories. Since starting full time work, I just don't have the time to do all the things I want, so I've noticed that's changed my reading habits too.

You're sounding pretty flat in the last few posts. I know you said you struggle to talk to your counsellor about things sometimes, and I guess that would probably happen here too? Either way, we're always here to talk to you if you'd like.

Do you have your appointment again this week?

James

[Mia001]

Hi James,

Yeah, I do have problems talking to my counsellor sometimes. I'm usually better on the forums but some days I just can't do it. All I want right now is to curl up in a ball. I've been feeling more and more depressed all week, came home feeling terrible yesterday, and had some bad news. I woke up today feeling ok, then crying in the shower. I cancelled my shift tomorrow. Unfortunately, I still have to work 3 hrs of my shift today as they couldn't find anyone to cover for me. Really not looking forward to it.

I have an appointment with my counsellor tomorrow.

Mia

[Mia001]

Hi everyone,

I saw my counsellor yesterday. And I talked this time... a lot! I guess there was plenty to talk about.

I arrived home Monday night feeling pretty bad and found out my brother is moving to another state. Probably in the next few months. And he's on drugs. I watched him do it. It all felt so surreal.

I actually asked him about what happened. I'm not really sure why. He said it's one of the most regrettable things he's done. He doesn't know why he did it. I'm still so confused and in shock at this point. I can't believe I actually spoke to him about it. I don't know what to do now, and I'm so worried about him.

This will be the last week we're house sitting. I guess that's probably causing a lot of stress too, even though I'm looking forward to being home again.

My counsellor said just to focus on one step at a time. So the next step for me is to get to the information session for the Diploma of Nursing next week. Then hopefully I can start to move forward with beginning my enrolment for next year, because that's definitely stressing me out at the moment.

So I'm trying to live one day at a time. One goal at a time.

Mary - I haven't heard from you in a while. Are you okay?

Mia

[Guest_5218]

Hi Mia. You're looking a little lonesome here.

Wow, yesterday sounds like a bit of a watershed moment for you Mia. Both with regards to really talking to your counsellor, and also to discuss what happened with your brother. I'm in awe of you Mia ... well done!

So as your counsellor suggested - focus on one step each day, then move on to the next when you're able. Nothing good happens without a great effort. You're well on your way now and I'm confident it will prove to be a turning point for you.

Nurse, paramedic ... bring it on. You're going to be wonderful at whatever you decide to do. So much heart, so much maturity, such courage. Did I say I was proud of you as well? Well ... I am. Very.

Sherie xx

[Mia001]

Hi Sherie,

I know it's taken me a little while to write back but you put a smile on my face so thank you. 😊

Yeah, this week has been crazy. I'm still trying to process everything I think.... which will take time of course. I know I will beat this eventually. I'm just very tired, physically and emotionally. And like you said, nothing good comes easy.

Talk later,

Mia

[White_Rose]

Hello Mia

Those crazy weeks are not helpful. Still you got through it and out the other side which is no small feat.

I can imagine the reaction you felt when you challenged your brother. Do you think he meant it? I feel you were able to ask because of the work you have done with your counsellor. Good stuff.

I'm a bit under the weather at the moment. I will bounce back soon I hope.

Mary

[Mia001]

Hi Mary,

I'm sorry to hear that you're a bit under the weather at the moment. Are you still having trouble sleeping? 😴

I believe my brother meant what he said. We had a very long talk about everything. He seems to be in denial at the moment. Trying not to think about what he did seems to be his way of coping. He had no idea how this has affected me, and I think he feels guilty about that, but I don't know. He was obviously very uncomfortable though and didn't want to talk about it too much.

To be honest, I was pretty upset too. I cried for the first time in months. I've been numb for so long that it was such a relief to finally let go.

To have finally asked the question that's been silently screaming in my head for so long...

WHY?!

I still don't have an answer. But that's okay. I'm just glad we could talk about what happened. For him to tell me it was one of his biggest regrets... that means everything to me.

Mia

[james1]

Hey mia,

I'm glad to hear you got some consolation out of speaking to your brother. It sounds like, even though you don't have a reason, it's given you some comfort that he truly means well for you and is very upset himself.

Hope you are doing well today. It's been a rough few weeks for you.

James

[White_Rose]

Dear Mia

Feeling better, sleeping a bit better, all good.

All reconciliation starts with talking. It may take a while but you have both taken the first step. Congratulations. Your brother will have no real idea how his actions affected you and perhaps this is not the time to tell him. I suspect you are quite keen to say what a hard life you have had as a result of his actions. Let him absorb the fact that you have asked and he has responded. He is uncomfortable and guilty so try not to pile too much on him immediately. This is not out of consideration for him but to keep him talking.

If you blurt out all your pain in one hit, so to speak, he may clam up and nothing will be done. I think this is an important situation to tell your psych. Perhaps ask if she or someone else can arrange mediation between you. Start with asking how to manage and what steps you need to take. I think slowly, slowly.

I think it was good you cried. As you said it was a release and relieves some of the tension in your body. You don't have an answer YET but it may well come now you have started down that path. Patience, which is not one of my long suits, will get you there.

I am pleased you have already found some relief with his expression of regret.

Mary

[Mia001]

Hi James and Mary,

Thanks for replying! It's great to hear from you both. I'm glad that you're okay, Mary. 😊

Just letting you know that now I'm back at home I'll probably only have internet access during the day, and not on weekends. So don't worry if my replies are a little slow. I'm just concerned about using the wifi at home, as my parents could find out I'm in these forums. That would be devastating for my family.

I'm doing okay at the moment. There's still ups and downs but I'm hanging in here. Life will get better, I know. All I can do is keep going and enjoy life as much I can. The storm will pass eventually. 🌦

I haven't really spoken to my brother about it since. I'm not sure what to do next. My hurt and anger seems to have been pushed aside by my concern for him. I'm really worried about him using drugs. I feel he's just trying to drown his problems and it's not going to work. One day he's going to have to face it. You can't keep running forever. It probably feels easier for him to deal with it like this in the short term, but I worried about the long term effects.

I worry about how all of this will affect our younger brother too. My older brother has been talking quite openly with his friends about drugs, in front of him. He doesn't know his older brother is on drugs, but he's certainly not getting the right message. I don't want him to end up the same.

My older brother has been trying to convince me to do it too. I don't want that to happen to my younger brother. I'm not sure he would be able to stay strong and say no. And could you really blame him for following his brother's example? He's too young.

I have spoken to my brother but he isn't interested in talking about what happened or seeing a mental health professional for his own problems. I'm not sure there's anything more that I can do except take care of myself and try to protect my younger brother. And my family... I don't want to think about what would happen if they found out about all of this.

I do have some good news though. I should be able to enrol for the Diploma of Nursing next year. I'll just have to talk to my parents and make sure they're okay with it. It's a quite competitive course, but I'm confident that I'll pass the interview.

There's a quote that I like...

I was given this life and the strength to live it.

Life is not easy but I know that I will never have to face more than I can bear.

Mia