What do I do?

[Night]

This is my first post, so excuse me if I make any mistakes.

I hardly know where to start when discussing my sotuation. For just over a year I've been extremely stressed with family issues. I can't cope but I don't feel comfortable telling anyone. I lack trust as it seems every time I trust someone, they lose my trust almost as quickly. From things I've read on beyondblue and the Internet in general, I believe I have social phobia and depression. I helped care for a friend who suffers depression and it's been great to see him recover from the suicidal slump he was in. The only problem is now I've found myself in the same hole he was in. I don't know anyone who wouldn't judge me or react in some negative way if I told them I was suicidal. I tried to tell some friends about my mental state. At the time I was still unsure if I wanted them to know or not, so I double encrypted a message. It was devastating to see how quickly it was shrugged off as 'just some random letters to get attention'. Tonight I took the 'K10' test and scored 39. Last week I had possibly the scariest moment in my life. I was researching different suicide methods when my parents came in. I'm still unsure if they saw or not, but ever since they've been acting strange. I also have two school assignments coming up with very large weightings. Both are speeches- something I'm not looking forward to in the slightest. I don't know what to do. I know I need help, but I'm unsure if I want it.

Sorry if I rambled a lot in different directions, but I'm just so confused.

Thanks,

Night

[Night]

I'm a horrible person. I am inconsiderate. I am uncaring. I am stupid. I am to blame when something goes wrong.

This is just some of the things I have been told. I tell myself I don't care. I do care. I am so sick of people telling me I am less than them. And then they harass me when I don't respond. "Why don't you respond? Got nothing to say? You know I'm right?" I don't respond because I see no point wasting my time by only making a situation worse. How do you challenge someone who is socially accepted and expected as being superior to you? I feel I respond it's 'talking back', if I don't, I'm weak.

My my parents have always had a go at me for not having many friends. After finally finding a group of people I enjoy spending time with, my parents are now getting annoyed at me for spending too much time my friends and not enough with them. I am convinced that this is because the way we enjoy spending time together is through online video games, rather than meeting each other at a park or each other's houses etc. I also don't see why they get so mad at me for not spending time with them when they are at work all day, making dinner or watching tv. They leave no time open to the point where I have no idea when they think I can be around. And if there is nothing they want me to do, why can't I spend that time talking with friends? I just don't understand people some times.

In other news, I broke an almost month-long streak of not self harming 😞

When I finally thought I was getting over it and beginning to think it was pointless, I made the mistake of trying it again.

I just don't see the point. It seems like people do whatever they can to take advantage of, and cripple me. I think the only reason I post here is because it is the only positive influence in my life, so thank you.

[james1]

Hey Night,

Here's a gem I got from your post:

"I don't respond because I see no point wasting my time by only making a situation worse."

Name-calling and putting people down is just a downright terrible situation, and they are doing this to you and you are walking away. You may have a whole variety of reasons for it, but at the end of the day, it's tough to walk away but you're doing it nonetheless. That deserves recognition and my whole hearted admiration.

You also called reverting back to self-harming as a mistake. I am glad that you recognise that, but also that you're willing to admit it. That shows that you are aware, and awareness is the first step to fixing any problem. We all make mistakes and we make them time and time again. The main thing is that we figure it out in the end. And to be honest, the big glaring issue here isn't even the self-harm. It's the fact that so many people around you are causing you distress. So while I'm sad to see the month-long break come to an end, I am not at all upset and I hope you can just be proud that you went for so long. Here's a secret I'm not proud to admit - I lost $10,000 on sports gambling a few months ago and, after a 2 month break, I threw some money into it again yesterday. I'm going to just withdraw what I have left and hopefully take another long break. So I guess we're both in the same boat.

About talking to friends and such - I think there's nothing wrong with talking to your friends while playing games online. I recently just fixed my graphics card and I've started playing League of Legends again. While I don't know anyone, its just my way of zoning out. And most of my interaction with people tends to be via message anyway since I'm always at work or just bumming around at home. To me, how you spend your time with friends is entirely up to you.

Night, the reason why I post on your thread is because I see someone worth talking to and helping in any way I can. And I think everyone here would agree with me on that. You're absolutely deserving of respect.

You mentioned you're in year 10 going into year 11? Are you looking forward to computer science and graphic design? Sounds like there's a bit of creativity in you!

James

[Kazzl]

Hello Night - I have been thinking about you and wondering how you were. You're back with us under terrible circumstances, and I wish that was different, but I am so very glad you're back.

As others have said, and I wholeheartedly agree, your friend's suicide was not your fault. Not in any way. Not your fault. You did not cause it nor contribute to it. Only the person concerned makes the decision to end their life. No one else is responsible. Please understand that. And guilt serves no purpose in such a situation. I know it's hard to let go of feelings of guilt, but you really must try. It helps no one.

You are still here my friend. You still have that positive future ahead of you. You have talent, insight, sensitivity, intelligence beyond your years, and you are stronger than you know. I'm sorry to hear you're self-harming again. But, the thing is, you have taken control of it before and you can again. And I believe you will.

I'm glad you have a group of friends you enjoy spending time with. To my mind it doesn't matter whether they are online or in the flesh so to speak. What matters is what you share together and how being with them makes you feel.

How's the schoolwork going mate? Do you have any end-of-year exams coming up? Oh how I hated them at school 😀. Unlike you, I was useless at maths (still am) and a maths exam was like torture to me. I think it was calculus that finally did me in - that's when maths and I parted ways and I dropped it as a subject.

Stay with us mate. I really am relieved and pleased to see you again.

Kaz

[Night]

Hi James,

Thanks for your response. I appreciate your support in leaving a situation I find would be made worse with a response, but it's a shame that when I do, I am considered weak etc.

You mentioned that being aware of the negative impacts related to self harm was a good thing. I struggle to see how this helps if, in the heat of the moment, I don't care about them. I am sorry to hear about your gambling. I have a friend who spent a fair amount of his parents money gambling with Counter Strike skins.

You mentioned that you play league of legends. Are there any other games you play? The main few I play are Overwatch, Guitar Hero and Counter Strike (with some Call of Duty Zombies here and there). When I play, I mainly talk with friends, though I will communicate with my team if it's necessary for a win. What graphics card do you have? I built my PC last year and have a GTX960.

Not sure if I have previously made it unclear, but I am in year 9 going into year 10, though because my school seems to want to be difficult decided to make the 4th term of the calendar year the first term of the academic year. Due to this, I am starting year 10 on Tuesday (I am on holidays now).

It's great just having someone to talk to, especially since my only good friend took his life.

Thanks again

-Night

[Night]

Hi Kaz,

Thank you for your kind words. It has been good having a group of friends who don't know about my other friend who took his life. To be able to relax and get my mind off it has been amazing. While I don't want to forget him, for the moment I feel it beneficial to not think about it all day everyday.

As far as school goes, I have already finished year 9 (as mentioned in my response to James). I don't mind exams. In fact I really enjoy maths tests as it is actually challenging, unlike most of our class work. It is frustrating though that my parents are unhappy with straight A's. 'You could do better if you tried harder' is a comment I've heard too many times. 6th highest rating in my year for English, 5th in maths, what more do they want?! As far as dropping subjects go, I believe that starts in either year 11 or 12 as Maths, English, Science, Economics, History and Geography are still compulsory. When I can, I hope to drop history, geography and economics.

Thanks again,

-Night

[Starwolf]

Night, I am sooo glad you have found a group of friends you can relate to...not feeling so alone will help you recover from trauma.

Those who consider you weak have got it all wrong (though they won't admit it, even to themselves). In reality, it takes far more courage to walk away from controversy than indulge in it. Timely retreat is a wise, courageous move. The trouble is, it takes more insight than they can muster. You have it and they don't. I know being misunderstood is painful but you're in the right in this situation while they have no idea what they're doing...never mind why they're doing it ! You can't make people see what they refuse to see.

Your parents seem very demanding. I am familiar with how this feels too...my own family was the same. I was 2 years ahead of my peer, had to apply for special permissions to sit exams but was never good enough. Makes you wonder why you're bothering sometimes, but you're doing it for YOU, not them. It is YOUR future, not theirs. Good on you for enjoying a challenge...it shows your spirit.

Night, you have so much to offer, so much potential ! All considering (and even without due recognition), I think you are doing remarkably well. It may sound cliche but there's no better way to say it...you're definitely much stronger than you think.

[james1]

Hey Night,

I know what you mean about being in the heat of the moment and not caring about the consequences. I think it's just a matter of being aware so when we're not in the heat of the moment, we still have a barometer. At least it's better than never knowing and can be a source of strength as we slowly move away from these impulses.

Oh I didn't know people still played Counter Strike! I used to play CS 1.6 at our nearby internet cafe, haha. I have Left For Dead 2 which I used to play with friends (but don't anymore), otherwise Halo (I have 1,2,3,reach) on my Xbox, and I have Guitar Hero Metallica on Xbox. Are you just computer or do you have a console as well? Is Overwatch good?

Oh I built my computer a few years back as well. I'm running it on one of the better Intel i5's and a Radeon R9 270. I used to have a nvidia 9600 GT on my old computer until I upgraded. I think your GTX960 is a bit better than mine, but pretty close? Are you running intel or amd?

Ooh okay so it's like how in year 11, term 4 is actually year 12? Ah yeah, my parents are ultrademanding too. It's very unfair, but if it's worth anything, I think you're doing very well with straight A's and those rankings.

I'm glad to be talking to you 🙂 I get a bit lonely sometimes (often) so it's nice even just to have a chat.

James

[Touille]

Hi Night,

I have only been on a few days now, so I'm New.

I just read the threads of yours going back 2 months now, you seem like an intelligent person.

First of all, sorry for loss of your dear friend. Secondly you are kind to tolerate your granddad despite his condition, seriously, he should be in rehab or in an aged care home with the correct help. Your parents don't think of their children's health.

Even though you are having things tough, you are still getting good grades at school, well done! Social settings can be difficult for people who anxiety, it's not your fault.

I grew up in a rough household and was glad to leave at 18, even than I was bullied at work, but I have learnt to cope with good friends and keeping toxic people out of my life.

Being a teenager is a difficult part of growing up, body is changing with hormones and than responsibilities which you shouldn't have to deal with, do are doing well.

Keep chatting on here, you have lots of support and you will find good friends in the flesh in the future.You are too precious to lose.

Hugs

Touille​

[Night]

Hi Starwolf,

Thank you for your continued reassurances and kind words. It is a shame the age difference between this group of friends and I. Though I met them online through another friend of mine, they do go to my school, but they are now going into year 12, while I am going into year 10. Late last term I tried to stay with them at lunch time. It was horrifying though, because I didn't know some of their other friends. Those who I didn't know made a huge thing of my voice. I have been told time and time again that I sound like I'm at least 30 years old. Hating being the centre of attention, this wasn't something I appreciated. I also can't be with them now, even if I wanted to, as they are allowed in areas I am not as a year 12 privilidge.

While you mentioned that I was doing school for my future and not my parents', it doesn't really help unless they understand that concept. No matter what, I have to top classes or they're unhappy. This is also frustrating as I hate being the centre of attention.

Thanks again,

-Night

[Night]

Hi James,

I can see the point you are making with regards to awareness. I suppose this is something that helped keep my streak so long.

While I never got to play CS 1.6, I have played CS:GO (the most recent) for about a year now, though it is in a pretty terrible place. A lot of people are quitting playing it, or not playing it as much (like me) because of a lot of problems with the development of the game. When hit registration and hackers were (and still are) a huge problem, Valve decided to redo all of the iconic weapon sounds. They just don't seem to care about community feedback. I also used to play L4D2, but I don't have any friends who play it anymore. I never played Halo as I only have a PS3 and PC. Are they any good? While I don't use my PS3 often, I still use it for guitar hero as new guitars are almost impossible to find. I would love to play it on PC one day. What difficulty do you play guitar hero on? I play expert and have recently mastered arguably the hardest solo in any of the games. If you get a spare minute, search up Fury of the Storm 'OMGWTFBBQ?!' (Fury of the storm is the song and OMgWTfBBQ is the official name of the solo. Overwatch is a lot of fun, though it can be boring solo. My favourite hero is widowmaker (I'm in the top 5% of widowmaker' a in the world, according to a stats website called overbuff).

My PC is running on a pretty low tier processor; the Intel Pentium G3248 I think. Last week I purchased a 144hz, g-sync monitor, and the difference is amazing.

Thanks again so much. It'a great having someone who even somewhat enjoys computers/ games to talk to.

-Night