unsure what to do

[Wednesday]

Hello,

When do you know a relationship is over?

[Emmy.]

Evening Wednesday. How are you going with your mindfulness like recognising the good things in life and getting out of the house. Also do you have any plans for travelling interstate - you mentioned that you want to see some friends. Xx

[Wednesday]

Hi Emmy,

I am trying really hard to get out of the house with mixed success. I am not feeling confident at the moment of travelling. I have travelled but it got increasingly harder to do, even carting the range of medications around became an issue. Mostly I want to see old friends and I'd prefer to be walking a little better and less clumsy. Winter is not a good time, a fall sets me back quite along way. I have moved so much that my favourite people all seem to be interstate.

On the good side Happy smells beautiful after his bath. After your gorgeous Poochie shots I though I'd better up my game and comb him too. Neither Happy or I enjoyed that much! I think maybe my daughter is coming for a quick visit (a work trip) from interstate and bringing my grandson for me to look after during the day, soonish. Fingers crossed that it all works out.

I hope you are having a beautiful day, it is sunny and pretty here.

Hugs, xxx

[Wednesday]

Hello,

I’m feeling low. I think it’s back to the family stuff. My family was pretty messy and they disowned me at a young age. I don’t even show up as a black sheep in their family history. I've done a lot of work on it and I think I’m pretty fine. I’ve no interest in finding any of them and think I understand why things happened the way they did. I only say this to help explain why rejection is a problem for me and how my thinking may not be straight on family matters.

My Partners adult children we’re polite initially. They did make it clear on a few occasions e.g. wedding and birthdays etc. That I wasn’t part of the biological family. A while ago they also said that I wasn't allowed to use the name grandma for their children.Their children had called me grandma for around two years. My grandson calls me grandma and I wanted to use the same name. It was also important to me to feel like part of the family. I had a great relationship with the grandchildren and babysat etc for them. My partner's ex wife is also called grandma. Unfortunately, this all became very difficult. There is no expectation that I will go to family events. It hurts dreadfully I don’t think the little ones would probably remember me anymore. My partner sees his children and grandchildren on his own.

My partner’s mom died a couple of years ago. She was very accepting of me and I spent quite a bit of time with her especially as her Alzheimer’s developed, probably more than her biological family. My partner, his siblings and the husband of his sister talked together and are organising a family party to celebrate her birthday this year. I wasn’t included in the discussion. I of course won’t go. I don’t have the strength to face his adult children. I feel like I’ve been bullied but maybe is just my past catching up with me, I’m just not sure. I will commemorate the day my own way. I feel nauseous just thinking about it. It’s been a long messy life and I’m tired. I doubt my sanity in these matters.

[Guest_5218]

Oh Wednesday, I'm really sorry this family stuff is causing you such emotional pain and anxiety. Of course it hurts, I'm sure most people would be hurt to be treated this way. I dont believe it has anything to do with your past personal family history.

I am really sorry as I am about to head out to work in 10 mins, so I cant write a proper response right now. I just wanted to reassure you for now that what you are feeling is probably a very normal response to being excluded from your partner's family-related plans.

I will try to get back to you again when I get back from work, which is likely to be around 11pm.

Sherie xx

[Lost_Girl]

Hi Wednesday,

I feel so sorry for you being in this position. It is awful that you have love to give and are being denied it.

My first thought is that the children must have been terribly hurt when their parents parted ways. My guess would be the resentment stems from that and really nothing personal.

Is it possible the ex-wife is contributing to the issue. If anyone would have an issue with you being called grandma I would guess it to be her. Perhaps she is making it hard for the children to include you. Just a thought, another possibility. Sometimes breakups can cause one person to make the children feel guilty for accepting the new partner. There are many possibilities. None of which you are at fault for and yes, I can understand why it would feel like being bullied. I expect that they are just trying to stop someone feeling hurt. It might even be the children who still haven't accepted the change with their parents.

It is sad. I would feel the same in your situation. It is such a shame that the kids aren't able to receive your love.

However, we can't make people accept us. That's the hard part. You could ask you partner to speak on your behalf but I imagine it is all messy and complicated on their side.

For the celebration of your partner's Mum, I would send along something from you for the celebration whether it's baked goods or something bought to share on the day with a card attached from you.

I suggest that when they do plan a day that you plan a special day for yourself. Plan something that you will really enjoy. Splurge a little, go to the theatre or high tea or get a manicure, whatever makes you feel good about you.

You are a beautiful soul. You deserve happiness.

Carol xx

[Emmy.]

I'm not feeling too well tonight so heading to bed but just wanted to stop by and give you a big hug.

Your partners family don't know what they're missing out on. You're such a beautiful person Wednesday - don't forget that. Sorry my reply is short but I'm thinking of you.

x

[Apollo_Black]

Hey Wednesday

Sorry about the tardy reply.

I'm probably not allowed to give explicit advice, but the heart rate issue is quite complicated.

If you are doing mild to moderate exercise then yes, 90-100 bpm is to be expected. If however that is you resting heart rate, then it's probably a little too high. I doubt pain would cause a continually high resting heart rate if that's the case. How long have you been aware that it's elevated? Is it regular? Is your blood pressure well controlled?

Your heart rate will be determined by your level of fitness, presence of infection/fever, weight, certain meds, arrhythmias (like atrial fibrillation) and a whole bunch of stuff.

Without adding to your worries it's always helpful to get an assessment (by a cardiologist) considering you're in an "at risk" group. A baseline electrocardiogram (ECG) is warranted. If you're getting dizzy, feeling palpitations, etc you may need a Holter monitor (24 hour ECG). If you're getting unusually breathless then an ultrasound of your heart (echocardiogram) is a simple and effective test. In some cases medications may be warranted to get your heart rate down if it's causing long term issues (yes I know you'd love to take another tablet...).

Like I said, I 'm not trying to alarm you - it's just that ignoring a potential issue will be much more detrimental to you in the longer term. Think of it like a stitch in time. I'm always cautious of GP's fobbing off significant issues....

[Wednesday]

Hi Sherie,

Thank you for your reply, I do love your bird pictures. I hope you survived your busy day yesterday after your weekend away and are having a gentler day today. Cuddles from Holly should help.

I am quite mixed up and can't figure out what's what. I try really hard to not let my past grab me but as you know it's tricky. I tried to talk to P but it didn't work and I am fairly avoidant when it comes to arguments, so back down if it looks like things are getting too tense. P has invited his brother over for dinner tonight so I'd better think of something, curry? His brother is likely to bring two Collies and a Kelpie with him and decide/ assume he is staying over. I do love the dogs but that's a lot. Poor Happy finds it all a bit stressful since they act like a pack, and are used to herding sheep. Happy is not a lamb! Or well a couple of glasses of wine tonight and the world will look different.

I have to ask why I got his particular life and haven't been able to get it right. I've certainly made mess of it. I'm sure my SiL's husband would have an answer since he is a priest. But I'm not religious and have some big issues with the church (one of the men) that I am not inclined to explain to him.

Constantly, confused and inadequate in my dealings with the world.

Thank you for your lovely responses Carol, Emmy and Apollo I'll write back to you as soon as I can, P is home and it's hard to write.

Hugs to you all, xxxxxx

[Wednesday]

Hi Carol,

Thanks for beautiful words and your thoughts on the situation. The children say that the P's ex is not the problem, they just don't like it, I'm not a biological grandparent so not eligible to choose my own grand parent name. Though as I said it did take two years of their children knowing me as grandma. P's wife has not re-partnered and they have been divorced for 18 or so years. She still continues to try to control P. You're right in that the children still see their family as mum dad and the kids. I was never included in photos but there are photos of mum and dad, kids and grandkids together even after all this time. Now they do include their children and partners.

As you said it is messy and complicated and you only have my version of events. They feel in the right and I feel wounded. I have never been rude to them. P did try speaking to his children but it made no difference. I'm not sure what he said either and there is apart of me that doesn't totally trust what was said. It's like they don't see me as a part of his life. He won't push it any further, not wanting to have a poor relationship with his offspring.

Thanks for the suggestion of sending something anyway. I'd probably end up making something for P to take with him, so a little something else won't hurt. What would I say on the card?

I will plan on something on the day, I'm not sure what but will work on a something lovely.

Hugs, xx

[Wednesday]

Emmy,

Thank you for dropping by, your sweet words and thinking of me. Are you feeling any better today?

Hugs, xx