unsure what to do

[Wednesday]

Hello,

When do you know a relationship is over?

[JessF]

Wednesday said:

I think he wants everything. He would be happy continuing this way.

I think you have the whole situation in a nutshell right there. He is happy with the ways things are, you are not. You have tried talking, but things don't seem to be moving.

I wonder if it might help for you to think about, and maybe write down as Starwolf suggested, five things you want out of a relationship to ensure your own needs are met. Try making them positives instead of negatives, although you can use the negatives to work out what positives you want (for example - "whatever he is doing must take priority at all times" might become "I want a partner who gives me space for my own friends and interests" or "I want a partner who shares interests/hobbies with me").

By making positive statements you can start to see clearer where you'd like to be versus where you are stuck. It can also allow you to have a different conversation with your partner, one that is focused on where YOU are going in life rather than his failings. What do you think?

[Wednesday]

I think you are very clever!

I was feeling that I was being really mean and just running him down. Thank you for helping to put my thoughts into perspective. I've tried writing before using I language and giving credit where due, but it hasn't worked. I'll try to work out the five positive things I want from a relationship.

It's a scary step to contemplate.

[Starwolf]

Hi Wednesday,

Thank you for clarifying your situation. The more you reveal, the more I feel that you have tried your best to improve the relationship. It hasn't worked out. This is a good starting point to contemplate the next step with a clear conscience.

New beginnings are always scary but they're also exciting. You have been through a lot and need to take good care of yourself. You obviously can't rely on your partner to provide the necessary TLC. So it must be up to you.

I agree with Jess that clarifying to yourself what you would gain and lose by moving on/staying put will help you make the wisest decision. Sometimes, we're not quite sure about what we want, but clear about what we don't.

My best wishes are with you.

[topsy_]

Hello Wednesday

I read once years ago that when a woman is ready to leave a relationship she has already done a lot of the grieving ahead of time. As she has mulled things over & turned ideas inside & out, the realisation that she is not happy & fulfilled & what she would like for herself are all part of that grieving. So much so that be the time they leave, a lot of the hard mental, intellectual & emotional work has been done. This enables her to move on with hope & confidence.

Whereas men, even though discussions are held between partners about the relationship, never seem to realise they firstly should have paid attention during the attempted heart to hearts, but it never seems to occur to them that their partner might go. They are stunned when it actually happens. (sorry guys, I really did read it somewhere & it was very true of the breakdown of my first marriage).

I really don't know if that's any help to you Wednesday but it did help me. Take your time & consider carefully. Kind regards, Lyn.

[Wednesday]

Thank you JessF, Starwolf and Lyn I really appreciate your help.

I guess I'm frightened of taking the leap at the moment. I keep hoping that my health will improve and I'll find my non medicated brain again and will be able to act. I looked at moving interstate to be near my daughter and her family, but don't want to burden them with my issues. We talk often but I have hidden a lot from them. I couldn't find anywhere near them to live ( that I could afford).

Sorry brain fade. I really appreciate your help. Hugs to all.

[Starwolf]

Hi Wednesday,

It's OK to be scared, a leap into the unknown is always frightening. More important is how we choose to deal with fear...sometimes it can protect us from danger. But when we're paralyzed into inaction, we may also fail to move away from an unsafe situation.

I think your health will begin to improve if stress and pressure are taken out of the situation. Whether this can happen while remaining in the relationship is debatable.

Taking one small step at a time in your chosen direction is the way to go. Reaching out for family support would help. You may find they'll be willing, even keen to rally around you. That's what most families do during tough times. Few are comfortable with the idea that one of them is/has been suffering in silence. You may be happily surprised. There's no need for you to face a difficult time alone.

[Wednesday]

Thank you Starwolf. I've made a couple of small steps.

[Starwolf]

Yay ! Thanks for sharing your victories. I hope you are feeling proud of yourself.

Please keep in mind that -over time- tiny baby steps do accumulate into long distance travel. Well done !

[Wednesday]

Now I've gone backwards.

I was trying to be tougher and focus on my needs. I was feeling less desperate. He is away at the moment. He's had a health issue and his anxiety has spiked. He has been in frequent contact asking me for help.

I seem to be in a loop. I get to the point where I'm clearer on what I want then he tells me that he loves me and misses me and I get confused. I am so pathetic.

I have a hospital visit in 2 weeks and need to get my head in the right place. He'll be back then and the combination of the two has me anxious knot.

He's a nice man, that loves me, why am I being so horrid. He should be able to be himself and not be criticised by me. I am not sure why his adult children are struggling with me and don't know what else to try. I do know that it has now gone on for so long I have to protect myself with an iron will ( I don't seem to have one). I don't have the ability to deal with rejection.

My own family disowned me at a early age. My parents referred to there 3 children yet she had 4, I was the one that didn't make the cut. I know I have far to much background, an easy target and am sensitive to rejection. But I have worked so hard on getting my head together. Too many tears over too many years.

[Ravenq]

Hi Wednesday

first of all, take a deep breath & let it out slowly xx

Times such as these are never easy honey, try to be gentle with yourself. Quite often we take many steps backwards. There is a similar battle going on in my head & heart with my relationship & like you, I am my own worst critic. My husband also struggles with anxiety & narcissism. He has me right where he wants me, continually second guessing myself. I really feel for you here because it sounds so familiar xx

You are not mean honey, so be gentle on yourself ok xx