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This bipolar life

Kazzl
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Are your moods are like an elevator with no control buttons? Mine are.

Ground floor ... I feel normal, content, just quietly getting on with ordinary, everyday life, loving my family and friends. This is as it should be. And maybe there's nothing wrong with me after all. Live.

Going up, top floor. Oh look! There's a shiny thing! I want to sing! Let's go buy stuff! Let's have a big party and invite the world! What could possibly go wrong! Woooooo hoooooooo! Play.

Going up (a different day) top floor. What do you mean you don't agree with me! I'm right! Why don't you think like me? Keep up! How can you be so illogical? I'll f-ing shred you if you don't do what I want! Rage.

Going down, lower ground floor. Flat, listless, can't be bothered. Can still function but it's a drag. Cope

Going down, basement. I'm never getting out of bed again. I'm useless, worthless. Total idiot, how could I ever imagine I could do anything, nothing ever goes right because I'm wrong. I'm a burden to everyone. Hide.

Welcome to my bipolar world. It's always been my world, but it's only recently I've seen it for what it is. About 15 years ago I was diagnosed with clinical depression during one of my 'basement' times. I had a lot of lower ground floor times too, on and off, and I kept out of the basement (so I thought) with alcohol. Until that took me into the blackest ever basement with only one obvious way out. Having survived doing something very dangerous I realised I had to stop drinking or I really would die.

I never took much notice of the playful times or the anger, that was just me, I was fun sometimes, and sometimes I was a devastating bitch. Ha! Deal with it people!

Well, yes, but in time the elevator started going up and down too quickly and, as I became more aware and more knowledgeable about mental health I realised this wasn't good. Doctor. Diagnosis. Bipolar 2. Lithium.

So, I've started this thread in the hope that other bipolar folks will join me, to share experiences and strategies. In my 'beginners' understanding, we are different from other fellow travellers of the back dog. While we experience depression as many others on this site do, the hypomanic or manic ups and, for some the rapid cycling that can happen, are experiences unto themselves.

I want to learn more, and I want to share with others. I hope my fellow elevators will join me here.
BTW, it's a ground floor day in my head today! Yay!

Love

Kaz

9,959 Replies 9,959

Had a great time out with colleagues Saturday. The good ones.

So much fun.

Today I'm recovering from my second booster. I cop a mighty slap. The aches. Pains. Fever. Oh the vivid dreams all night. My pfizer boob. (My left axillary lymph node is big enough for its own post code). Tired. 

Today my Nana's side boards were delivered too. It's amazing that they contain scents of my childhood. They haven't been in the original house in 30 years and they have the various scents that were a part of that house. They were my Nana's mums and are early 1900s pieces. Not sure how early though ahhaha.

I am a blob. Blob is good. Potato is good too.

Velvet, 

the sideboard sounds wonderfull with smells and memories. 
hope you feel better soon. I need to get my last  booster. 

V, treasures to hang on too. Hope the symptoms pass quickly. They normally do. Quirky we are fully vaccinated and now as our holiday draws closer wear a mask in shopping centres and so on . 

quirkywords
Community Champion
Community Champion

Not sure when I can afford a trip overseas or even when I will feel up to it. 

Aries how long is it to your holiday. 

Quirky,  10 days not that we are counting. Plan to enjoy it but by the same time will find it taxing 

asdff
Community Member

Hey Guys, I will write my things, then catch up on the forum. I had a psychologist appointment today. I was saying how I never feel joy or happiness. I was told about a person that only ever cycles from “normal” to up/mania. I asked wouldn’t that be dangerous. This person apparently likes it, they just talk more and get more work done. Who else here doesn’t get depressed/sad. They experience joy or a non depressed part of bipolar? The type I have is exhausting and I want to describe as a rude word. 

asdff
Community Member

Airies, I hope you have a brilliant holiday. Velvet, how lovely that you have something of Nanna’s to treasure. I have vivid memories of my Nanna and Pop’s House. I dream about it often. As for smells, boy oh boy they bring back memories for me. My Mother wears a distinct perfume. If I smell another woman wearing it, say in the supermarket I follow her for a few steps. Nanna’s smell would be talcum powder. I don’t smell that much. Thanks Johnson and Johnson and their lawsuit. I am off on a tangent,

it’s been one of those days. I can’t wait to go to bed, to stop the thinking.

overthinking.

Lisa611
Community Member
  • Hey All...I hope everyone is doing ok. Airies enjoy your holiday. Waves to Quirky, Velvet and Adsff. I'm feeling tired today. On Monday my partner had shoulder surgery. He had to be there at 6.30 in the morning. On Wednesday I didn't get home from work till 9pm. Luckily that doesn't happen often. This morning I was at work at 7am. We have booked our next holiday! We're going to Vietnam in December for 3 weeks. We're using the money we've saved from not smoking. I haven't had a puff for over 8 months. It's sad about Olivia Newton John. I loved the movie Grease. Asdff I think I'm like you I don't feel joy. I feel mainly neutral. I think the meds I'm on numb me to an extent. Hope everyone has a good night 🙂

Hi Lisa, That is an amazing achievement for giving up the ciggies. That holiday will be great. I love a warm holiday. I feel everything. Every bad emotion. No numbing here. I go out in the rain to feel something other than depressed. I hope your partner is okay Lisa? How is everyone? Don’t we just while away the days, doing our best to get through them. When people speak of Groundhog Day, I laugh on the inside, thinking that is how we are told to treat our disease keep it same same. Same bedtime, same time for meds, eat at roughly the same time. It’s so beige. 

quirkywords
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hello  Aries Asdff Lisa  Leisa, Velvet 

well done Lisa giving up cigarettes. 
i am so tired as partner has had a bad cough for ten days so little sleep even less than my usual small amount.