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This bipolar life

Kazzl
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Are your moods are like an elevator with no control buttons? Mine are.

Ground floor ... I feel normal, content, just quietly getting on with ordinary, everyday life, loving my family and friends. This is as it should be. And maybe there's nothing wrong with me after all. Live.

Going up, top floor. Oh look! There's a shiny thing! I want to sing! Let's go buy stuff! Let's have a big party and invite the world! What could possibly go wrong! Woooooo hoooooooo! Play.

Going up (a different day) top floor. What do you mean you don't agree with me! I'm right! Why don't you think like me? Keep up! How can you be so illogical? I'll f-ing shred you if you don't do what I want! Rage.

Going down, lower ground floor. Flat, listless, can't be bothered. Can still function but it's a drag. Cope

Going down, basement. I'm never getting out of bed again. I'm useless, worthless. Total idiot, how could I ever imagine I could do anything, nothing ever goes right because I'm wrong. I'm a burden to everyone. Hide.

Welcome to my bipolar world. It's always been my world, but it's only recently I've seen it for what it is. About 15 years ago I was diagnosed with clinical depression during one of my 'basement' times. I had a lot of lower ground floor times too, on and off, and I kept out of the basement (so I thought) with alcohol. Until that took me into the blackest ever basement with only one obvious way out. Having survived doing something very dangerous I realised I had to stop drinking or I really would die.

I never took much notice of the playful times or the anger, that was just me, I was fun sometimes, and sometimes I was a devastating bitch. Ha! Deal with it people!

Well, yes, but in time the elevator started going up and down too quickly and, as I became more aware and more knowledgeable about mental health I realised this wasn't good. Doctor. Diagnosis. Bipolar 2. Lithium.

So, I've started this thread in the hope that other bipolar folks will join me, to share experiences and strategies. In my 'beginners' understanding, we are different from other fellow travellers of the back dog. While we experience depression as many others on this site do, the hypomanic or manic ups and, for some the rapid cycling that can happen, are experiences unto themselves.

I want to learn more, and I want to share with others. I hope my fellow elevators will join me here.
BTW, it's a ground floor day in my head today! Yay!

Love

Kaz

9,950 Replies 9,950

Lisa, well done on the achievement . We stopped in Vietnam on a cruise and would love to revisit.I feel numb and blame my meds.it’s sad about Olivia and just watched the 2 part series.I had a tear when her mother passed.the scene reminded me of my mums passing. I hope your partner makes a quick recovery.

asdff
Community Member

I’ve done to much this whole week. Today it’s been flat out. Then the family pushes my buttons and I explode. My psychologist wasn’t helpful this week. Funny enough next session we are working on anger. I’ve been angry my whole life. A little bit of thanks or a reprieve from my family duties would be nice. I don’t go to paid work but I do work. They are ungrateful sloths. 

Yes sad week for Aus entertainment with ONJ passing and Judith Duram.

ONJ was, and absolutely still will be, a great advocate for cancer support and research. I was never much a fan of her artistry, but her other work and how she seems to be as a person, fan. 

I keep getting familiar smells through my house, but nothing I've put here. Scent is a massive memory thing for many people I believe.

Today it's going to be a bit sunny, a bit cloudy but no rain. Once everything warms up and dries off I'm going to attack the garden. No gym today.

Giving up things, addictive habit things, are definitely to be commended. I went 5 weeks with zero alcohol. I had some this week. I believe that and the vax contributed together to the systemic inflammation I copped this week. Yesterday was very painful through my hips and legs. All ok now.

Also, my dog dislocated my toe this week. AND mega blisters from long walks in shoes that aren't worn in.

A week of the wars hahaha.

And we farewelled a long serving good manager at work. He's cool. He will be missed but I hope whoever employs him realises what an asset he is.

 

 

Velvet sounds like a plan. Cloudy windy and the threat of rain so I didn’t ride but can’t stop eating. Cheese and dip , some vanilla wafers , fruit… anyway you get the picture. I’ve been pretty good , lost weight and will regroup after Bali. I’m a passionate gardener and apart from my veggies, citruses in wine barrels I plan to grow and create a terrarium. Ridiculously priced for the finished product but how hard can it be?

O agree totally with your comments about Olivia and Judith. Both special human beings and Olivia’s work for charity was a passion. 
Ouch , the toe sounds painful. My dogs has his daily walk and warming me up in my lap. He creates quite a song in his hurry to commence his daily 5 k walk. Luckily at the boarding kennel he gets on well with other dogs and plays all day. Sad to see the number of dogs seeking new homes due to Covid, returning to work or the novelty waning.

asdff
Community Member

Airies l, terrarium sounds fun to make. Would I have the patience to finish one? No.

I am down, like really down. I’ve had one episode like this maybe five years ago. When I was diagnosed. My husband and mum are pushing for me to be admitted. I am not well.

I am glad I didn't go to the gym, because I spent 4 solid hours gardening. I'm absolutely stuffed now. I went hard!!! A terrarium would be fantastic! A big one?

Dogs are pretty clever. Mine knows the signs that a walkies is about to happen.

 

The covid puppy thing makes me so angry. The people who intentionally bred animals in backyards to cash in on the situation should be prosecuted under the animal welfare act. The act itself needs a review too!

I also hate pet shops. Unethical breeding & sales leads to massive welfare implications.

I could bang on about animal welfare for ever. 

Meanwhile, my dog is enjoying the heater. 

 

 

 

Asdff, take care, do what you have to do to keep well.  I have the patience if things go well and loose it big time when things don’t. So the terrarium will be a physical and mental challenge.

I’m sick of having nightly dreams that I remember. Always work related, I’m always on the outer, lost , confused, I don’t wake up in tears but in its own way its distressing.

quirkywords
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi everyone. 
had a few things to deal with so didn’t get to say hello. I still find I am getting used to the forum. 
i like reading everyone’s posts and reading what you are doing. Velvet, Aries, Lisa Leisa Asdff you are kind supportive people. I feel this thread is in an oasis in my world. 

 


I too have dreams from my past. I dream I have my shop but then I wake up to reality. 

How long do you feel distressed for  after your dreams. 
I don’t feel distressed just disappointed at reality!!!

asdff
Community Member

The difference between between having something mental wrong with you versus physically. If I had broken my leg or shattered my pelvis, people would be sending flowers, cards, well wishes. I’ve had a big depressive episode. Probably a breakdown. Do I get any well wishes, cards, meals made? Nope. Asdf will be right. She always is. She doesn’t need our help and if you wonder how I end up in the place? It’s always being the last on people’s minds. 

Airies
Community Member

Asdff, i wanted to add sending you hugs from afar. Have been in your situation:.Are you in hospital? I hope you get the rest, dignified treatment that you deserve. Often people don’t know how to deal with us, but it’s hardly an excuse. Thinking of you.Back  from the physio. Bamboozled me with a whole lot of questions and I just want a referral to see someone. Asked if I bumped my head when I fell. Im vague as it is.

Quirky im still getting the hang of this forum. Logging on seems easy.The dreams play on my mind. A news story, seeing an former workmate, sound of a siren, things like that set me off.

Im weary of what will occur when I have an admission and adjust my meds. I want to try, I really do.
Quirky you articulate things so well.