This bipolar life

[Kazzl]

Are your moods are like an elevator with no control buttons? Mine are.

Ground floor ... I feel normal, content, just quietly getting on with ordinary, everyday life, loving my family and friends. This is as it should be. And maybe there's nothing wrong with me after all. Live.

Going up, top floor. Oh look! There's a shiny thing! I want to sing! Let's go buy stuff! Let's have a big party and invite the world! What could possibly go wrong! Woooooo hoooooooo! Play.

Going up (a different day) top floor. What do you mean you don't agree with me! I'm right! Why don't you think like me? Keep up! How can you be so illogical? I'll f-ing shred you if you don't do what I want! Rage.

Going down, lower ground floor. Flat, listless, can't be bothered. Can still function but it's a drag. Cope

Going down, basement. I'm never getting out of bed again. I'm useless, worthless. Total idiot, how could I ever imagine I could do anything, nothing ever goes right because I'm wrong. I'm a burden to everyone. Hide.

Welcome to my bipolar world. It's always been my world, but it's only recently I've seen it for what it is. About 15 years ago I was diagnosed with clinical depression during one of my 'basement' times. I had a lot of lower ground floor times too, on and off, and I kept out of the basement (so I thought) with alcohol. Until that took me into the blackest ever basement with only one obvious way out. Having survived doing something very dangerous I realised I had to stop drinking or I really would die.

I never took much notice of the playful times or the anger, that was just me, I was fun sometimes, and sometimes I was a devastating bitch. Ha! Deal with it people!

Well, yes, but in time the elevator started going up and down too quickly and, as I became more aware and more knowledgeable about mental health I realised this wasn't good. Doctor. Diagnosis. Bipolar 2. Lithium.

So, I've started this thread in the hope that other bipolar folks will join me, to share experiences and strategies. In my 'beginners' understanding, we are different from other fellow travellers of the back dog. While we experience depression as many others on this site do, the hypomanic or manic ups and, for some the rapid cycling that can happen, are experiences unto themselves.

I want to learn more, and I want to share with others. I hope my fellow elevators will join me here.
BTW, it's a ground floor day in my head today! Yay!

Love

Kaz

[laundrylady]

I am getting access through the notifications, is this usual. What a mess I make of the easy stuff. 

[Susie Rose]

You're doing just fine laundrylady, technology is tricky and constantly changing. You can access the forum through the notifications if that works for you 🙂 And I hope one day soon you feel that you don't have to hide the disorder anymore. Some people in my generation are becoming much more understanding and supportive and I seem to be able to talk about it more now than when I was first diagnosed 7 years ago...I hope you can find that too.

Thank you everyone for reading my post and for your replies. Someone mentioned parent's group or playgroup as face to face support for what I'm going through with my 2nd pregnancy. Yes, you're right, I have been lucky enough to find a very supportive group of mum's at playgroup. They have all been through their ups and downs with their own kids - postnatal depression, illness with their newborns, sleeping problems, failed IVF attempts, all the heartache. And yet we all find our way through somehow, with the support of good friends and family.

My specific issue with managing my bipolar through pregnancy, to now having one very healthy boy and an almost very healthy baby (due in 5 weeks), is something that I want to share with others that have bipolar as there was limited information available during our decision making. Hopefully I can share this one day through Beyond Blue or maybe PANDA and help others to make their own informed decisions.

[velvetfaerie]

Hey quirky. Sorry. I've been in a strange headspace. I had been meaning to check in. 

Checking in.

[white knight]

Hi everyone, it been a long time since I posted here. For those I havent met, I've been here 10 years and was on this thread in the early days.

As a bipolar 2 and at 67yo I can say that the older you get the less complicated you want your life to be so bearing that in mind the last few years my wife and I have embarked on planning out old age. In 2020 we built our last home, our forever home, our plan and we've settle in now since late 2020. We've made it all low maintenance, the bathroom and toilet large enough for a walker/wheelchair and bought a new SUV for ease of our knees getting in and out. We tow a caravan for access to up north in the winter like typical nomads and we lived in a town of 3500 people with hospital etc. All this is relevant to a person with mental health issues because we have low tolerance for the mishaps in life. I mean up to 20% of bipolar sufferers take their own lives so this is reality. My brother did at 26 (not diagnosed them days but sure he had it), my sister me and my daughter all made attempts to various degrees and my uncle took his life in 2002 with doubtful connection to bipolar.

So how fickle are we bipolars? Well this morning is typical for me. Wake up no alarm all ok, wife hands me a shopping list, thats ok then she asks me to buy some pain killers for our dog...mmm ok, then "can you pick me up at the hair dressers at.... " bang- overflow, I'm finished. I call it stress. Usually she writes it all down then I'm ok but clearly I cannot remember over a certain number of tasks. All good, she realised and wrote the extra tasks on the bottom of the shopping lists. Then I get home, empty the shopping from the car and get a call... "hello darling did you remember to pick me up"? We then argue - my side is she didnt put that on the list, her side is "why should I have to" lol. Laughing at it all is the best medicine.

TonyWK

[asdff]

Toby WK I think our partners need a medal for putting up with us BP folk. They don’t know if they are going to the nice version of us or the annoyed version of us. While we do try and keep things low key, as I do. Stress does not make us be the best version of ourselves. WK I’ve had an undiagnosed family member take her life, I strongly suspect Bipolar.

Velvet, keep posting I’ve been wondering how you’ve been? 
 

Susie, are you wondering if you should disclose being bipolar to new people? For me personally, I only disclose once I feel very comfortable with someone. I told a friend through child’s sport last week but she was disclosing mental health of hers. I do get quite often “Do you work?”. Thanks to my Mother I responded “I’m in unpaid work”. Otherwise known as a housewife but I don’t think I could juggle all of this and paid work. My moods are still so up and down and all it takes is some stress and I’m a mess. 

[quirkywords]

Velvet thanks for checking in. I hope you are ok. You are always welcome to say hi. 
susie rose. A few decades ago when I had children I had a supportive playgroup. I am still in contact with some of those mums. 

Tony welcome. I find the older I am.

The more sensitive I am to other's comments. I know at times I am being irrational but that does not stop me getting upset.

Asdff

I  have never had a support partner only ones who blame everything on my condition or tell me to get more medication.  I think it would be wonderful to have an understanding  partner.

[laundrylady]

Hard as it is I keep finding my way back here. My computer skills limit me and I am not socially inclined. Its not like I dislike people, I am awkward. I fluffed up a social situation this morning. Extraverts come on strong and I shut down and secretly die for being so overwhelmed by normal stuff. enough meme. Thank you for making a safe space to interact. Very happy to read Susie Rose is expecting her second baby, Susie sounds understanding and kind these virtues make for lovely parents.

[velvetfaerie]

I'm just working on myself. Working through and recognising trauma triggers. Learning a lot about many things, related and unrelated. Things like psychology of course, yoga, history, military things, astronomy...... just interesting things.

Learning comfort in being with my thoughts and processing them. 

Gardening = hay fever YAY... not. 

Making some gym acquaintances. 

Refusing to be the only person invested in my long term, older friendships. 

Funny that now I've stopped putting in all the effort, I don't speak to most anymore. 2 very good friends I do though.  

I am giving consideration to becoming a yogi. Only for myself, something to be engaged in. The philosophy I like as well. 

I'm the strongest and most flexible I have ever been thanks to a combination of dancing, heavy lifting and yoga/pilates. 

I'm also in the process of perimenopause. Ahhaha. Took me ages to realise!!! 

I'm a lot more calm, which is the complete opposite of what happens, so I've read. 

It's not bad so far, but I believe my lifestyle has helped a lot there.

Disclosure = when you're comfortable.

I landed here when I was diagnosed with bipolar many years ago. I never had bipolar disorder. I have adhd. 

If I had bipolar disorder my routine adhd medications wouldn't make me so CALM. 😆 (Calmer these days). 

Big HELLOOOO to the new peeps. 

These guys are fantastic. They deserve hugs, cake and tea/coffee as often as possible. ❤

[quirkywords]

Velvet 

thanks for your post which I found to be most comforting uplifting and informative. 
You are on a journey of self discovery and the insights you are finding will be very helpful.

Your willingness to be open and to share your story with others will help many who read posts but don’t comment.

yay to cake and hugs!!!!

[velvetfaerie]

I have good and bad days like everyone I guess.

I wonder why I'm so ostracised in all corners of my life. Some days it gets to me, others not so much. 

Humans fear different as a general rule.