This bipolar life

Kazzl · ‎13-06-2016

Are your moods are like an elevator with no control buttons? Mine are.

Ground floor ... I feel normal, content, just quietly getting on with ordinary, everyday life, loving my family and friends. This is as it should be. And maybe there's nothing wrong with me after all. Live.

Going up, top floor. Oh look! There's a shiny thing! I want to sing! Let's go buy stuff! Let's have a big party and invite the world! What could possibly go wrong! Woooooo hoooooooo! Play.

Going up (a different day) top floor. What do you mean you don't agree with me! I'm right! Why don't you think like me? Keep up! How can you be so illogical? I'll f-ing shred you if you don't do what I want! Rage.

Going down, lower ground floor. Flat, listless, can't be bothered. Can still function but it's a drag. Cope

Going down, basement. I'm never getting out of bed again. I'm useless, worthless. Total idiot, how could I ever imagine I could do anything, nothing ever goes right because I'm wrong. I'm a burden to everyone. Hide.

Welcome to my bipolar world. It's always been my world, but it's only recently I've seen it for what it is. About 15 years ago I was diagnosed with clinical depression during one of my 'basement' times. I had a lot of lower ground floor times too, on and off, and I kept out of the basement (so I thought) with alcohol. Until that took me into the blackest ever basement with only one obvious way out. Having survived doing something very dangerous I realised I had to stop drinking or I really would die.

I never took much notice of the playful times or the anger, that was just me, I was fun sometimes, and sometimes I was a devastating bitch. Ha! Deal with it people!

Well, yes, but in time the elevator started going up and down too quickly and, as I became more aware and more knowledgeable about mental health I realised this wasn't good. Doctor. Diagnosis. Bipolar 2. Lithium.

So, I've started this thread in the hope that other bipolar folks will join me, to share experiences and strategies. In my 'beginners' understanding, we are different from other fellow travellers of the back dog. While we experience depression as many others on this site do, the hypomanic or manic ups and, for some the rapid cycling that can happen, are experiences unto themselves.

I want to learn more, and I want to share with others. I hope my fellow elevators will join me here.
BTW, it's a ground floor day in my head today! Yay!

Love

Kaz

Leisa68 · ‎05-02-2022

Hi all

Wringer I know what it is like to expose yourself, but you really are safe here. Might even be people in a situation similar to yours. I like mindfulness, but it is exhausting at times. Lately, I have read information from the Black Dog Institute about Bipolar Disorder and that has helped me quite a bit, in particular about the depletion of Serotonin in the person with Bipolar. I guess it is an ongoing process.

Today is similar to yesterday mood-wise. I wish I could easily change my mood for myself and everyone around me, but I just cannot do it. I feel flat. However have just watched a movie with my better half (a horror one), it was mediocre at best. Tomorrow is swimming, I have a pretty good life, I just need to enjoy it when I can. It's hard though when you are flat all the time.

Leisa

quirkywords · ‎05-02-2022

Leisa I find the black dog institute to be very helpful and informative.

Airies · ‎06-02-2022

I tend to loose track of time. Anyway, somehow I managed to take 2 days of meds the other number night. Anyway I only took some prn meds last night and I’m up at dawn bright as a button.

I could get used to this as is being alert,awake early but the collateral damage would be huge.The meds are my safety net.

Lisa611 · ‎06-02-2022

Leisa I was flat for a while. I mainly experience lows. I usually end up in hospital when I'm manic. Suffering from depression is the pits especially when you're the last person to realise you're not well. Some people can manage without medication but that's not me. I hope anyone suffering from depression gets the support they need. On another note...I got all my hair cut off yesterday! I grew it for the wedding so I could have it in an up style. It's short with a long fringe. My head feels really light lol. I really like it. Hope everyone is doing ok 😊

velvetfaerie · ‎06-02-2022

All ok here. The heat sucked the energy from me. I've been a little blue but I'm launching myself into exercise and home stuff. Today is cooler but terribly humid.

The processing of things is kind of a roller-coaster. I reverted to blaming myself a few times. I don't deny imperfection, but I have the ability to reflect. I also have empathy and compassion. He wants me to believe I'm in the wrong for finally ending a relationship that was destroying me. Why? Because it doesn't serve his personal agenda.

First long weekend this week. I've worked fulltime for 23 years or there abouts. Barely stopped. It's time to do me.

quirkywords · ‎06-02-2022

Aries I have only intentionally gone of medication in 30 years once with medical approval. It only proved to me I needed the stability of medication.

Lisa Your hair cut sounds very cool in all sense of the word.

Airies · ‎06-02-2022

V , great to see you are doing ok and having a well deserved long weekend. Wow I busted my balls for years for a non appreciative department. I’m going for a fish after a break of a number or years. A bit of getting back with nature.

Quirky it wasn’t by intention and I think I’d be heading for major trouble with family and myself if I were to try. I’d be kidding myself. Warm here. Son is wrapped with the weather after dreary weather overseas

Leisa68 · ‎06-02-2022

Thanks, everyone,

Another flat day however I see my psychologist on Tuesday, and she's great. One day I hope, there won't be these horrible lows. I'm worried about what it is doing to my family. But they seem okay.

The haircut sounds wonderful Lisa! Must feel good! I have not been hospitalized as yet, but see how this can be needed. Today I finished off a mini-series to the end (a little bit of a binge-watch) and pottered around the house. No swimming today as the weather did not suit. I haven't ever taken a break from my meds, I guess I use them as a blanket, might be a little afraid to go off them even for a short while. However, it is interesting how you felt after being off them for a couple of days Airies. Quiet night ahead!

Leisa

quirkywords · ‎06-02-2022

Velvet

I like the way you realise you are self blaming and so you try to reflect and acknowledge your strengths. I tend to self blame and get stuck in a rut of pity not liking myself.

Leisa bingeing on a mini series is something I find relaxing.

Aries don’t send your son to where I live, where we have had a our 3 warm days all summer. The rest cold and wet. I think I am in UK,!

velvetfaerie · ‎06-02-2022

I self blamed, reflected, realised he's just horrible and I meant nothing to him and now feel alone, sad and broken. I gave everything I could where as he took everything he could. Depleted me.

I went to the gym this am and then came home and cleaned and tidied the huge shed & add on room. I've spent about 8hrs this last week cleaning and tidying because he did the bare minimum.

I'm pretty tired now.

I'm glad we had a cool change today. 44 degrees here yesterday and now it's 20 and raining hahaa. The birds have been loving it.

I think the key for good self reflection is to look at everything as they present themselves. Don't make excuses or give in to conditioning. Take the facts as they are.

Airies I used to like fishing. I would rather just sit and watch the wildlife these days. I just don't like hurting animals. That's just me.

I pondered a new haircut Lisa! I won't though. I like my long dark Gothic locks hahaah.