This bipolar life

[Kazzl]

Are your moods are like an elevator with no control buttons? Mine are.

Ground floor ... I feel normal, content, just quietly getting on with ordinary, everyday life, loving my family and friends. This is as it should be. And maybe there's nothing wrong with me after all. Live.

Going up, top floor. Oh look! There's a shiny thing! I want to sing! Let's go buy stuff! Let's have a big party and invite the world! What could possibly go wrong! Woooooo hoooooooo! Play.

Going up (a different day) top floor. What do you mean you don't agree with me! I'm right! Why don't you think like me? Keep up! How can you be so illogical? I'll f-ing shred you if you don't do what I want! Rage.

Going down, lower ground floor. Flat, listless, can't be bothered. Can still function but it's a drag. Cope

Going down, basement. I'm never getting out of bed again. I'm useless, worthless. Total idiot, how could I ever imagine I could do anything, nothing ever goes right because I'm wrong. I'm a burden to everyone. Hide.

Welcome to my bipolar world. It's always been my world, but it's only recently I've seen it for what it is. About 15 years ago I was diagnosed with clinical depression during one of my 'basement' times. I had a lot of lower ground floor times too, on and off, and I kept out of the basement (so I thought) with alcohol. Until that took me into the blackest ever basement with only one obvious way out. Having survived doing something very dangerous I realised I had to stop drinking or I really would die.

I never took much notice of the playful times or the anger, that was just me, I was fun sometimes, and sometimes I was a devastating bitch. Ha! Deal with it people!

Well, yes, but in time the elevator started going up and down too quickly and, as I became more aware and more knowledgeable about mental health I realised this wasn't good. Doctor. Diagnosis. Bipolar 2. Lithium.

So, I've started this thread in the hope that other bipolar folks will join me, to share experiences and strategies. In my 'beginners' understanding, we are different from other fellow travellers of the back dog. While we experience depression as many others on this site do, the hypomanic or manic ups and, for some the rapid cycling that can happen, are experiences unto themselves.

I want to learn more, and I want to share with others. I hope my fellow elevators will join me here.
BTW, it's a ground floor day in my head today! Yay!

Love

Kaz

[Guest_322]

Hellooo everyone,

Len, your wife sounds like she's a keeper! I'm glad you have each other.

Yay, peaceful slumber delivered the other night. Your cruise sounds so relaxing and that island must be so tranquil.

Thanks, yeah, I'm sure the next few years will fly ha, ha.

Kaz, I'm glad you're forever learning, and moreover, open to lifelong learning. Always something new or different out there, huh? World keeps rotating 😊

The 26th sounds like it was nice and chill day for you. Quality mummy-daughter time tomorrow will be wonderful! Bet you have heaps to catch up on.

I have mostly just been working this week. Day off today- exciting stuff like cleaning (currently procrastinating).

I've some weekend plans- working during the day on Saturday then I'm seeing friends in the evening. I have a party on Sunday.

Hope everyone has a good weekend!

Dottie x

[Guest_322]

Hi Ivan,

Welcome!

You have definitely been having a very rough time. The past few weeks must have been extremely exhausting and draining for you. I'm glad you're still here and have survived those suicidal thoughts.

I started contributing to Kaz's thread a short while back. I'm 20 years old and at uni (uni holidays at the moment). I don't have bipolar myself but visit to chat and show support. I'm personally much more familiar with bipolar's sibling illness (depression), and I can empathise with your suicidal thoughts as I have had them in the past.

Looking forward to your next post!

Dottie x

[Ivan0491]

Hi all

Thanks for the intros. I'm 47 and live in Melbourne but I'm originally from London married an Aussie girl and moved here in 2003.

I was diagnosed in 2013, and It really explained my past behaviors. Though I can't remember a time when the voice wasn't a constant companion. I call him my demon the darkside of my personality. We have be in an internal war since childhood. Some days he gives me the strength to face whatever the world wants to throw at me and on other days he will bring me to my knees in despair.

I replaced my meds with exercise, even though I suffer from chronic pain due to two work place injuries I now live in the gym it is the only place where I feel free. I stopped the pain medication also. I take oils and vitamins and eat clean. I don't drink alcohol anymore and have never used recreational drugs.

I have spent the last year or so working on mindful intervention and with the knowledge I have gained about this condition I've been able to ride the cycles. Though I would not recommend a drug free approach as we are all different and what works for me might seem crazy to others.

I hope you all had a wonderful Australia day.

Regards

Ivan

[Kazzl]

Hiya Dottie, Len, Mallow, Tony and everyone else. Ivan I hope you're lurking about. 😄

I have news! BIG news! Two lots of news! The first is that I got a scholarship to do the basic qualification to work in mental health support. Yay! The second is I got me a job! An excellent job even! Both are part time and the hours work out, so from the week after next I'll be studying and working ... eeeeep! No more afternoon naps sadly.

The job is a 12 month contract in the mental health sector, working on a project for a mental health learning centre - and the best bit is every aspect of the proposed centre will be designed in partnership by professionals AND people with lived experience. The role of lived experience is central to the whole concept. It's still at concept stage, subject to funding etc etc - but what a fantastic thing! I could have done with a place like that 12 months ago.

I'm of course beside myself with glee and have celebrated with much ice cream.

Going to be busy ... wonder if I can take a camp bed in for my naps. 😄

Cheers lovelies

Kaz

[velvetfaerie]

Congratulations !

🙂

MMmmmm ice cream

[Kazzl]

Hello velvetfaerie, thank you! How very lovely of you to pop in. Would you like to join us here? It would be great to know you.

I can see you're another ice cream fan. Let's have one together! What's your favourite?

Cheers

Kaz

[velvetfaerie]

Ohhhhh I love cookies and cream 🙂

but not before gym class lol!!!

[Kazzl]

Gym class? I'm impressed. I did one of those once. 😄

Actually, I used to like going to the gym, especially boxing classes, but as with quite a few things for me, I lost interest eventually. Keep thinking I should go back. But then I keep thinking I should do lots of things. Sadly, great enthusiasm followed by loss of interest is a known bipolar trait and one I've got. At least I now know I'm not just fickle and uncommitted, there's a reason.

OK velvetfaerie, I'll wait till gym's over to share a cookies and cream ice cream with you. 😊

Cheers

Kaz

[velvetfaerie]

I love the gym. It helps me better than meds did. Improves sleep (knocks me right out).... improves mood.... improves health... my clinical psych said my approach seems to be working..... (until the bf pushes a button that is lol!!!)

This is one thing I've remained committed to ...... I turn into a horrid creature if I don't exercise.

You can start without me it's all good. 🙂

Take care everyone !!!!

I'll catch some endorphins for y'all!!!

[Kazzl]

Hey Ivan - your second post must have arrived after mine, or maybe I just got carried away with myself. Anyways, I've just seen it.

Wow, you have really taken things in hand eh? That's fantastic. They say exercise is very important, sadly it's not one of my 'things', though maybe I should try harder. I know Len and Mallow are keen on exercising when they can.

You're doing all the right stuff mate, all the self-care recommended for us. How's your sleeping pattern?

I'm impressed that you've got a handle on mindfullness. I'm still working on that. My head hamster (racing thoughts) often works against being mindful. Any tips?

You seem to have a reconciled kind of co-existence, detante of sorts, with your voice? Have I interpreted that right or does it cause you frequent distress?

I know you're coming out of a bad patch mate - so I wish you every strength and a stable peace to come.

Cheers

Kaz