This bipolar life

[Kazzl]

Are your moods are like an elevator with no control buttons? Mine are.

Ground floor ... I feel normal, content, just quietly getting on with ordinary, everyday life, loving my family and friends. This is as it should be. And maybe there's nothing wrong with me after all. Live.

Going up, top floor. Oh look! There's a shiny thing! I want to sing! Let's go buy stuff! Let's have a big party and invite the world! What could possibly go wrong! Woooooo hoooooooo! Play.

Going up (a different day) top floor. What do you mean you don't agree with me! I'm right! Why don't you think like me? Keep up! How can you be so illogical? I'll f-ing shred you if you don't do what I want! Rage.

Going down, lower ground floor. Flat, listless, can't be bothered. Can still function but it's a drag. Cope

Going down, basement. I'm never getting out of bed again. I'm useless, worthless. Total idiot, how could I ever imagine I could do anything, nothing ever goes right because I'm wrong. I'm a burden to everyone. Hide.

Welcome to my bipolar world. It's always been my world, but it's only recently I've seen it for what it is. About 15 years ago I was diagnosed with clinical depression during one of my 'basement' times. I had a lot of lower ground floor times too, on and off, and I kept out of the basement (so I thought) with alcohol. Until that took me into the blackest ever basement with only one obvious way out. Having survived doing something very dangerous I realised I had to stop drinking or I really would die.

I never took much notice of the playful times or the anger, that was just me, I was fun sometimes, and sometimes I was a devastating bitch. Ha! Deal with it people!

Well, yes, but in time the elevator started going up and down too quickly and, as I became more aware and more knowledgeable about mental health I realised this wasn't good. Doctor. Diagnosis. Bipolar 2. Lithium.

So, I've started this thread in the hope that other bipolar folks will join me, to share experiences and strategies. In my 'beginners' understanding, we are different from other fellow travellers of the back dog. While we experience depression as many others on this site do, the hypomanic or manic ups and, for some the rapid cycling that can happen, are experiences unto themselves.

I want to learn more, and I want to share with others. I hope my fellow elevators will join me here.
BTW, it's a ground floor day in my head today! Yay!

Love

Kaz

[Kazzl]

Hi Kaitoa, you're so lovely to ask. I'm not the best mate, I've sunk. It leaves me pretty drained. But I'll come good again. No worries.

Love to you too.

Kaz

xxx

[SourceShield]

Hi Kaz.

I feel for you.

I get it.

I get the 'anger' thing too...I used to be infamous for my outbursts.

When I 'sink', it drains me too.

Put on your fave tunes, enjoy some ice-cream, visualize your "happy"...however that looks like for you, and take all the time that you need to be at ease again.

We're here for you.

MuchLove&Respect

Kaitoa&Bundy

p.s

Bundy The DogShaman...sends you mega-huge happy-vibes and stuff!!!.

✨✨✨We pray for an extra portion of peacefulness to be sent your way tonight✨✨✨

Be well sister-soul!.

"Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life."

---Berthold Auerbach

[MallowPuff]

Evening, just dropping in to say hi, I'm still plugging away...

Hey Kazzle..hope your settled, and the temporary anger/down/craziness has passed. Every mood, feeling, thought, temporary, even happiness and joy... just have to work out how to get through the bad end of the spectrum, chew up time until it passes.

I've been reading up on ACT, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy... via a book called "The Reality Slap", how to find fulfillment when life hurts.

It's a decent read, and helps give you mechanisms to weather the storm as such. Now that my mind has slowed down and I can concentrate on something for more than a few minutes, I've found reading again 🙂

So the drugs are still working, got a visit with the psychologist next week, no idea what is next.. Christmas is near, 2 weeks leave, and hopefully more time to settle back into being me.. rediscovering me I guess. I have been a different person for quite a while, 6 months? 12 months? probably longer. I thought it was me getting better, but really I was going further away from who I am.

It's all quite strange really. But I keep taking my meds. Sometimes I think they are not enough, I get those little pangs of hypomania.. the excitement, the anxiety, the mind goes a little faster, everything speeds up a little... and the irritability kicks in. But I'm noticing it now, and oooo it's hard to not flip out 🙂 Like tonight, long week, probably not enough sleep, and my kids were not doing anything abnormal, but they were annoying me, I was getting so angry. Every time I went to take a step it felt like they were under my feet. I kept snapping at them, my wick was so short, and I was buzzing a little. The buzz... I know it's not really that healthy now, but it's the starting end of the buzz. It's interesting to notice.

So tonight I sucked it all up, and tried to lock up the irritability, play normal. Hard work lol.

Ahh, but the weekend is here! my daughter's 12 b'day, at an alpaca farm. She loves the things. She's wonderfully quirky.

Have a great weekend all, get some sunshine, fresh air, and take your meds..

[Kazzl]

Hi Mallow, great to see you mate.

It's interesting how we start to notice things we would have once ignored. I know what you mean. I feel it now when there's a hypo lurking and I always know when the black dog's heading my way. The anger is the thing I can't always anticipate, and it leaves me so jangled and awash with crap in my head.

I guess it's a good thing that we're alert to changes, but it does mean we're constantly aware and on guard almost. It's exhausting.

Well done for getting through last night with the kids. I hope you have a great day today with the alpacas (LOL). They are beautiful creatures, and I hope your daughter has a wonderful birthday.

Cheers mate, enjoy the weekend. Potential sunshine here after a few days of rain - just enough to make the weeds grow again. Sigh. 😄

Love

Kaz

xx

[Guest_322]

Hi Kaz,

The sinking must be very exhausting. I don't have bipolar so I can't really pretend to understand but it does seem to take a huge emotional toll on you (even if you do manage to bounce back each time).

As for anger, I don't really feel much anger these days. That's not to say that I've never been angry but it doesn't happen too often. Sad is more my friend than anger.

I first heard about angry outbursts in people living with bipolar when Demi Lovato (singer/actress) went public about her mental health. She has bipolar and she talked about her angry blackout where she attacked someone close to her. She was filled with remorse but at the same time, it wasn't really her, it was the bipolar.

Kaitoa, I love that quote! Ellu, Welcome to BB's first virtual band!

Similar to so many others here, I adore music! It has helped get me through the best and worst times. Maybe this sounds really stupid but as long as I have my tunes, I know that I'm never truly alone.

I'm fairly open minded about music of all genres and from all eras. Today, I've been listening to the 5th Symphony, Dark Paradise and I don't Wanna Live Forever. I really enjoyed Lana Del Rey's cover of Nina Simone's Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood- I'm yet to listen to the original.

Dottie x

[Kazzl]

Hiya Dottie - I love Don't Let me be Misunderstood. That's one for the band!

Thanks for the mention of Demi Lovato - that helped me. I wish they (whoever they are) would recognise anger as a bipolar symptom. Anyways, I'm pleased to report that after a jangled sort of down day yesterday, I'm back again today.

It's a weird thing ... sometimes, often following an angry flash, I get a day or so where I just feel off colour in my head. Not really depressed, though there's mild waves of it, tired and wanting to sleep, and very jangled intrusive thoughts and old memories that pop in, stir things up, then go again. I describe it as like nausea or an upset stomach but in my head. I want to cry but can't (which is unusual for me, I'm a very good cryer), like wanting to throw up but not being able to ... I don't know if this makes any sense.

Anyways, a good long sleep usually helps, as does watching a movie or something that engrosses and distracts. Last night I watched Die Hard LOL. First time I've seen it. Bruce Willis saves the world in a singlet. How could you not enjoy that.

Hey Mallow my mate - how were the alpacas?

Love to all here

Kaz

xx

[MallowPuff]

Die Hard (the original film) one of the best Christmas movies by far 🙂

Yippee Kiyay!

Alpacas were wonderful, my 12yo had an excellent birthday. I was stressed/buzzing all day, started with 8am basketball, 2 kids games, then home and prep for party, then party, then off to see the Womens Basketball game that night. Was very stressful and a little difficult to manage 🙂 but made it through.

Psychiatrist appointment this morning, increasing the dose of mood stabilisers. So stressed going in, sometimes it just feels all twilight zone like, what am I doing here, how did I get here, this is a mistake yes? Summed up the courage to re-ask re the diagnosis, she said Bipolar, and that she was really worried about me for a while there (the "do you have private health insurance" questions!).

When I asked 'what the ... do I do now, just take the meds and make the most of it?', she recommended I return to my psychologist in the new year. Otherwise it seems to be yes, take your meds, see you in a couple of months.

Anyway, feeling all self absorbed, frazzled, but looking forward to a skate session tonight, been a while since I've had my skates on... love skating... miss it..

Oh and the psychiatrist went through about how I need to keep an eye on my diet, pickup the exercise some more, try my best to manage the binge eating crazies... greeeeeeat.

*sigh*.

[MallowPuff]

Oh and I've worked out I need to find another coping mechanism other than spending money...

Ipad for daughter, new dual boiler coffee machine for home, new xbox one for me, new Soda Stream and all the extras, another 10 xbox games (to add to the 200 I have, and never really played), new guitar ordered online from China, and many many $$ spent on bits and bobs I 'need' on ebay and aliexpress! $700 holiday down the coast over Christmas, and presents for people, everyone is going to do so well this year lol!

I've stopped buying new runners for me though, don't run enough at the moment to deserve them. So I bought more shirts, shorts and T-Shirts instead, and books, lots of books, I love buying and collecting! plan to read/play/do them sometime in the future....

[Kazzl]

Ooohhh Mallow. Bipolar as, my friend! 😊 Yep, I understand totally. I wish it was the other way around ... bipolar made us reluctant to spend money. That would be something!

Well, we do our bit for the economy I guess. A bipolar-lead recovery.

Sounds like you all had a great day for your daughter's birthday. A very busy day though, well done for making it through. Remember to rest. Are you sleeping OK at the moment?

As for just taking the meds and making the most of it, well, yes. BUT, if you feel unwell at any time, either right down or manic, see your doc straightaway. Sometimes we need additional or different medication for a while to get through episodes. Don't just try and struggle though. And post here any time if things don't seem right.

So, new guitar hey? Just right for the band ...😄

Cheers Mallow, take care mate - have you knocked off for Christmas yet?

Kaz

[Guest_322]

Hi Kaz,

I'm relieved that your angry state has somewhat subsided for now. I wonder why anger isn't always recognised as a bipolar symptom- that must be very frustrating.

Your head nausea doesn't sound very pleasant at all. In some ways, I think nausea is worse than vomiting because at least- assuming the vomit stops at some point- you'll feel better after vomiting. Whereas with nausea, it's like there's no outlet. Sorry for the graphic picture that I'm painting here.

I'm glad to hear that keeping preoccupied seems to clear up some of the head space/fog. I hope you rest well tonight!

Oh yes, let's add Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood to our band's playlist (hope that's cool with our other bandmates) 😊

Take care, Kaz.

Dottie x