This bipolar life

Kazzl · ‎13-06-2016

Are your moods are like an elevator with no control buttons? Mine are.

Ground floor ... I feel normal, content, just quietly getting on with ordinary, everyday life, loving my family and friends. This is as it should be. And maybe there's nothing wrong with me after all. Live.

Going up, top floor. Oh look! There's a shiny thing! I want to sing! Let's go buy stuff! Let's have a big party and invite the world! What could possibly go wrong! Woooooo hoooooooo! Play.

Going up (a different day) top floor. What do you mean you don't agree with me! I'm right! Why don't you think like me? Keep up! How can you be so illogical? I'll f-ing shred you if you don't do what I want! Rage.

Going down, lower ground floor. Flat, listless, can't be bothered. Can still function but it's a drag. Cope

Going down, basement. I'm never getting out of bed again. I'm useless, worthless. Total idiot, how could I ever imagine I could do anything, nothing ever goes right because I'm wrong. I'm a burden to everyone. Hide.

Welcome to my bipolar world. It's always been my world, but it's only recently I've seen it for what it is. About 15 years ago I was diagnosed with clinical depression during one of my 'basement' times. I had a lot of lower ground floor times too, on and off, and I kept out of the basement (so I thought) with alcohol. Until that took me into the blackest ever basement with only one obvious way out. Having survived doing something very dangerous I realised I had to stop drinking or I really would die.

I never took much notice of the playful times or the anger, that was just me, I was fun sometimes, and sometimes I was a devastating bitch. Ha! Deal with it people!

Well, yes, but in time the elevator started going up and down too quickly and, as I became more aware and more knowledgeable about mental health I realised this wasn't good. Doctor. Diagnosis. Bipolar 2. Lithium.

So, I've started this thread in the hope that other bipolar folks will join me, to share experiences and strategies. In my 'beginners' understanding, we are different from other fellow travellers of the back dog. While we experience depression as many others on this site do, the hypomanic or manic ups and, for some the rapid cycling that can happen, are experiences unto themselves.

I want to learn more, and I want to share with others. I hope my fellow elevators will join me here.
BTW, it's a ground floor day in my head today! Yay!

Love

Kaz

SourceShield · ‎12-12-2016

Hey Kaz,

Firstly...if we're doing Cold Chisel, I wanna do "Forever Now" - that's my top fave of theirs to sing!.

I've just put it on and listening to it now in fact.

The Big O has so many wicked songs...

In Dreams and Blue Bayou are my faves to sing.

I'm keen to know what our other band members would like to do as well...

MuchLove

Kaitoa

Kazzl · ‎12-12-2016

Forever Now gets a very big tick from me! Not sure about Blue Bayou, even though this is a virtual band I must admit my falsetto needs work. Ahhh what the hell, I'll give it a go!

Cheers hun

xx

SourceShield · ‎12-12-2016

YAY!!!. 🙂

Guest_322 · ‎12-12-2016

Hi Kaz,

Did someone say something about starting a virtual band???!!!

Now, I don't have bipolar personally and I have no insight or words of wisdom to offer (keeping any potential expectations of me low here ha, ha) but you had me at "music" and "band!"

Do you need a pianist? I'm classically trained and can read sheet music. So even though I'm not exactly familiar with some of the songs you mentioned, just chuck the notes at me and I can sight read 😊

Or do I need to audition?

Dottie x

Kazzl · ‎12-12-2016

Wooo hooo Dottie! You and your piano are so very welcome to join the band. We are not disorderist here (just disorderly) so bipolar's not essential. Anyways, we can teach you that bit if you want to be. LOL. No, don't even think about it.

Wow, this opens up even bigger possibilities for the repertoire! What would you like to play Dottie?

You know guys, we're gonna need a name soon ... suggestions welcome.

xxxx

MsPurple · ‎12-12-2016

Thanks Kazz for your reply on the previous page. Makes me feel a bit better. My biggest fear is knowing I will definately have a lifelong illness. I guess with GAD there is some chance it can go away (or be insignificant) however bipolar doesn't seem the same (my mum has been told she will need meds her whole life). The meds would be the scary part as it seems more brutal. Most of the meds seem to cause weight gain. I have gained some on my new meds but I have remained stable and I am getting fitter and stronger as I go to the gym most days, so my lack of weight loss could be due to muscle building. But I have low compliance with meds that make me gain weight greater than 5kg (which my current one made me gain 4kg, but I'm on higher dose. Probably will be able to go down once I find a good GP up here and discuss it with them). Also I think I would struggle to treat the highs and that scares me a bit

Thanks for your help again 🙂

Guest_322 · ‎12-12-2016

Thanks Kaz!!! I appreciate the warm welcome and that you're not, uh, disorderist ha, ha.

I feel honoured to join BB's first virtual band 😊 I'm pretty open minded about different music genres as it's all about the feels for me.

Let's see...Florence, Sia...or what about Queen's Bohemian Rhapsody or Phantom of the Opera? There are many more...

But of course I'm happy to play any of the songs that you mentioned earlier too!

Dottie xxx

Guest_322 · ‎13-12-2016

Hi Kaz,

Oh yes, we need a band name...nothing comes to mind yet ha, ha. We'll think of something, I'm sure.

Dottie x

Kazzl · ‎13-12-2016

Hi MsPurple, you're very welcome.

I understand your fear about it being lifelong - yes it is and I will probably be on medication for life. That rocked me when I was diagnosed - until then any time I had a depressive episode I clung to the thought that maybe this was the last time, maybe there wouldn't be any more. Now I know there will be and that's not easy to accept.

For some reason I find it easier to think of it as a chronic illness rather than a 'mental' condition - say like lupus or diabetes or celiac disease. I wonder if that way of thinking might help your mum? Physical chronic illnesses don't carry the stigma, and bipolar is a physical illness of the brain. We need medication (in many cases) or other ongoing treatment, there's no cure and we need to take good care of ourselves, as is the case for people with physical chronic illnesses.

One thing I'd suggest to you hun is that you be very alert to the effects of stress on you as you go through life. I wasn't of course because I didn't know anything, and I walked blindly into (or often created) major stress situations time and time again, and the effects piled up until I cracked.

It's only now, looking back knowing I'm bipolar that I can see patterns in my thinking and my behaviours - I put myself through so much, same triggers, same reactions, battling toxic people, resorting to booze as a coping mechanism, always willing to take on the world, never learning from one situation to the next, never having the good sense to stay out of the fray so to speak.

You are well informed and aware, with your family history. I'm not saying limit yourself or your experiences, but do take notice of how things affect you and protect and care for yourself along the way. A good way to be regardless.

Cheers

Kaz

xx

Kazzl · ‎13-12-2016

Hiya Dottie - Bohemian Rhapsody! Wooaa. Yeah! Hey Kaitoa, how's your soprano mate? No way I can get the high notes, but I can do the rest haha. Yes to Florence too. I'm probably the only person in the world that hasn't heard Sia. Phantom is beyond me I think but it would suit Kaitoa. I'll play triangle through it.

So, with a pianist on board I reckon there's also plenty of Elton John or Billy Joel we could do. Say, if we did Piano Man, Len could do the harmonica! AND he has a cool hat!

Now there's another issue - what to wear! I'll need to buy some new shoes ... sparkly blue boots I reckon.

Cheers hun

Kaz

xxx