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Thinking about death.... all the time...

Guest_1643
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi all

I've been struggling for 3 weeks with suicidal thoughts

My new GP is amazing

He tells me to think of suicidal thoughts as a symptom maybe a solution

Could he be right?

Today he assigned someone to give me a call to check in on my safety. I don't think that will happen. I've not received the call.
Small things like this lead to rage, hurt and fear for me.

And so I am left to deal with the thoughts alone.

948 Replies 948

Hi Sleepy

I have good days and bad days - on my bad days I feel like the world is scary and I can’t cope. Do you feel like that too?

It’s disappointing that your case manager doesn’t keep her word. Trust is so important in relationships. Do you feel able to say something?

I’m not able to get to GROW anymore as you have to be vaxxed. I feel a bit alone atm. I think you made a good choice to get vaxxed, so that you could continue to access services.

Hope you’re managing ok today. Katy x

Hi Katy,

Some bad days I feel very small and valueless

Today I've had such a day, a thing that happens.

It was pretty annoying that the case manager told me she'd call on Thursday, then didn't, I don't know if I'll raise it....I left it for a bit but now have a meeting on Monday which she is set to attend.

I really feel like she doesn't care,

It's not just that she doesn't follow through on promises, as well as that, she's very over promising

Each time we speak she makes lists of things she'll follow up on, says she will call me with an answer in the next days, says she'll follow up on this say, says we will talk about this at this time, she herself makes the promises excessively and over offers dates and timelines for herself, and her words then mean nothing.

Hi Sleepy,

That is so bad.. you need to feel valued and not a number. I get that too. It is incredibly disempowering. I have found 7 or so years of mh system to be full of words, little action, and a roundabout of professionals to help- but hardly anyone helps. No communication between them. Stop start with ppl. So re-traumatized each time and getting nowhere. Leave msgs no one calls back. Just a number. My feeling is mh system keeps us stuck like this. I know there are some stories of great psychs or social workers. And for those lucky enough to find them - those who treat u as a person and really on board; not just looking at the clock. I guess those ppl have hope; but when u don't have this, then cycle thru all life. My mh worse in the time I've been trying with supports. I hope it goes well on Monday for you anyway.. you are definitely a valued person 🙂 don't let their incompetence make u feel small x

Guest_1643
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi Golden

How are you? How was your week this week?

I was very niave jn that my family had a medical person in it and everyone worshipped them, medical knowledge and drs were seen as like the best and most powerful, I handed my trust over too easy....now that I look back I see they often said they'd do stuff, then didn't and then gaslit me ie said I'd remembered wrong...

Don't know what it is with this worker, she's friendly enough and has a wise presentation, but she always always hustles me in a way, says she'll call, she'll text and last week literally put me in her diary for Thursday and told me all these topics we'd cover...

No call.

We all do deserve better. I'm trying to learn to self-advocate. Xxx

Hi Sleepy,

That's understandable re looking up to medical ppl & mh ppl. That is the messaging, and particularly so when u first start seeking help. And what u say of your family sounds like it made this messaging stronger. It's easy to be hard on yourself for this, but i think most of us do similar. As u go thru and see for yourself first hand & u know what it is like. You know your story and what u need better than any of them. It's great to be your own self advocate. It is hard. It involves being assertive and trusting yourself. But from everything you write, i have no doubt you can do this. If someone is not helpful and especially time and time again then i think u need to consider this. I have spent so many years just going along and not speaking up. It is time wasted and it feels hopeless and helpless. I have lately been discussing these issues with helplines and thru talking it out loud i can see how clear it is substandard help. Not sure if this may help u too ie tell someone what u have written here and by hearing it out loud u might see how u deserve better. Gives us a little nudge i guess. I'm slowly trying to build belief that i can let go of those ppl just coasting along and getting nowhere. More in the thinking stage still thou..

Guest_1643
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi Golden,

Thank you for Ur confidence in me, u make great points.

It is hard to accept when i saw a medical professional who was awful and I didn't see it at the time, Ur right and I feel for the lost time, he really got me nowhere.

I was able to see case manager today, apparently she was sick last week hence no call, but her boss has helped ,e out a little.

I felt the boss was wonderful and caring

I keep a lookout ft those who are kind, who listen...

Hi shelll, I hope the grounding techniques work for Ur sis.

Often in therapy they ask me where I feel stress, eg where my body holds it

I have never been able to identify, because I don't really feel anything so much, my body feels foreign and distant to me.

I was reading a book called what happened to you, by Dr Bruce perry & Oprah,

It was pretty good, about how we should move from asking what's wrong with others, but look at their past.

Thanks for writing and Sending hugs x

Hi all,

I'm trying to get involved with a volunteering group to get a bit more positive, I tried once and was deterred by all the process of it all, but im on their system from last time, maybe it will he easier.

Golden I hope Ur finding comfort and that soothing, safe feeling from the DVDs...I think I find that from kids movies too

I watched the karate kid, Beethoven, wonder, and matilda during lockdowns, matilda was too much, but the rest were lovely, particularly Beethoven....

My house is such a mess at the moment

I wish I could clean it all at once, and not have to look at clutter. It has bad memories and fears, in the objects themselves.

I think I'm going to get progress with my ndis application, they tell me it's normal to get rejected and ppl often submit, again and again. Sounds like getting Ur licence, although, on anxiety alone, I got mine first try!

Hope everyone is feeling OK, having inner calm

X

Hi Sleepy,

I am currently reading a brilliant book called "the body keeps the score" it talks about people who have experienced trauma in the past often have a disconnect between their mind and body.

I like you, often find it almost impossible to work out where in my body I feel stress. I wonder if this is another potential reason why people self harm.

I am struggling with thoughts of self harm tonight but just trying to distract myself with crappy tv shows.

Hi p, best book!!! I tried to explain it to my psychiatrist who had not heard of it.....yet for survivors it's so popular !

I use distraction a lot, I struggled with it initially because it felt hollow, but I guess if it keeps us safe...sending care to you.