Thinking about death.... all the time...

[Guest_1643]

Hi all

I've been struggling for 3 weeks with suicidal thoughts

My new GP is amazing

He tells me to think of suicidal thoughts as a symptom maybe a solution

Could he be right?

Today he assigned someone to give me a call to check in on my safety. I don't think that will happen. I've not received the call.
Small things like this lead to rage, hurt and fear for me.

And so I am left to deal with the thoughts alone.

[Guest_1055]

Just hello Sleepy, and saying I care. I don't have the head space to read back. Just know I am thinking of you and hoping you are getting along ok there

[Matchy69]

Hi sleepy I have had a tiring and bad day myself. Parties always trigger me as they remind me of how I never got invited to any.

I hope the new medication your on is helping.I could imagine losing it would make it difficult with you at the chemist.My doctor didn't believe me with the medication the hospital pychiatrist had put me on once and had to ring up to confirm it.

I hope tomorrow's a good day for you.

Take care,

Mark.

[Guest_1643]

Hi Shelll, it can be a lot reading on the forums, are u feeling better! Have u been walking by the beach? No worries or pressure to answer.

Hi Mark, I'm sorry the doctor didn't believe u and that would have been hard to have to wait and go through all that with him ringing the prescriber. It doesn't feel very nice trying to explain that I misplaced it, and having to come back in only 1 day later, as I picked up the medication yesterday. I was a bit embarrassed. Now I have enough, though. It worked well.

I was proud of myself for insisting that my psych call me to explain the medication better, as I had some issues with it, and didn't want to wit til I next see him

I'm over feelijg like I can't ask for my rights too, I feel like it's an okay request as he prescribed it and should be responsible for it. So far he's called three times to monitor my progress, which was actually helpful.

I'm extra medically anxious and taking anything always stresses me out.

I like natural stuff but my sleep was not good so I agreed and accept that in crises I take something PRN.

I feel like EM, hi ! , I also havemt thought of lockdowns for ages.

I think it is a good sign. I have found ways around it . I may not be extremely connected, but I feel or have the illusion of connectedness.

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Hi Sleepy

I don’t like taking things either but sleep is important, so good on you for making that decision to have something there when you need. I take a pain medication prn that many gp’s refuse to prescribe, and I hate getting the third degree when I run out and can’t get into see my own gp.

Well, pup and I decided to stay in bed today. I reached my stress limit yesterday. I get tinnitus at full volume when I’m peaking, so I knew it was time for a break. I’m going to try get a med cert for a week and just have some space to breathe.

I like that you’re feeling connected. I think that’s key, right? Our circumstances might not be different, but the way we feel can be.

I’m going to eat some Smarties and Netflix for a bit - self care! How’s your self care going? I’ve enjoyed reading you guys talk about the nice treats you like to spoil yourselves. I think it’s great 😊 I’d love some fresh passion fruit! I’ll have to start compiling my own treat box!

[Guest_1055]

Hi dear Sleepy and hi to all folks.

Yeah definitely a lot of reading. I only tend to stick to a couple of threads.

It's hard to answer how I am. Properly a bit flat and not real. I hate the not real sensation.

Yes the natural things. I like this way as well. Magnesium I think is helping me. You don't need a prescription. My holistic dentist suggested it for me. It comes in a powder the one I take. Also lavender 100% essential oil. A few drops on your pillow or in a diffuser for your room. And not eating late at night as helped me as well. Have you tried any of those things?

[Guest_1055]

Oh yeah... Fresh passionfruit is my favourite fruit of all. I just pick one, bite a hole in it and sort of sip it up. Yummy yummy. Wish I had some now

[Jstar49]

Hey Sleepy,

no I’m not great with follow thru on decor lol- I have lots of ideas! I’m an ideas gal 😁

Love that you were checking out rainbow forts- totally! Have you seen those stick on wall decor thingies? Rainbows and clouds, unicorns, mermaids. I always checked them out when my kids were little but never got any. My youngest d has a mermaid room, but it’s not very OTT. Just the blues and purples on walls, and a fishing net type thing with pearls strands and pics of her mates on it. I’m making her a scales quilt, then I’ll probs get the urge to do more stuff in her room. Pinterest is very bad to look at sometimes! It makes me feel.... inadequate. Like I’m not doing enough.
But I love ‘nailed it’. That’s so funny! Know, the pics of the pretty cake, then the pic of the actual cake someone made trying to go for the fancy one. There’s a Netflix show my d is absolutely obsessed with. Can’t help laughing at it myself! Good for my perfectionist streak lol.
yeah LDs dancing all around us atm. Not our area atm. And then next mth the whole state opens up apparently. That will be interesting! Out in the regions we tend to be pretty suss on visitors- we’ve been lucky I guess. That will all change. I wonder if we’ll all still stay home or if we’ll celebrate with parties and going out and watch the cases skyrocket. Gona happen sooner or later!

sleeps it sounds like you’re having a bit of a rough time- what’s going on? Have you had something specifically trigger you or du think it’s more the ongoing strain of LD, with so many things being affected....

I hope tmw finds a brightness for you 🌤

Love

J*

ps good work with your plant! Du know that heaps of plants grow well from cuttings? If you experiment with plants you like the look of on your walks you may have success! If they grow little roots then they’ll probably grow into a plant too. Most seem to like growing from the hard wood- not the new growth, but the older woody stem. Mint, oregano, pentas, heaps more IDK.
cheers,

J*

[Guest_1643]

Hi all,

I've been feeling so lonely this weekend, no real reason or cause, hard to articulate as the week was not too bad, I'm wandering if anyone Katy, EM, Mark, J or anyone reading ever feels this.... a sudden drop after a hectic week, or even after positive events ?

My psychiatrist is giving me a lot of support and is very into doing things collaboratively. I'm getting tonnes more help from various sources and my friends have been kind

but I'm still alone, in this heavy, heavy way. Heavier than anything.

I don't feel very motivated.

[Jstar49]

Hey sleepy,

yeah I can relate- tho it may seem different for me. I have my husband (who comes with his own set of issues, as you know a bit) and my daughter, and while it’s true that I’m more likely to long for alone time, I still feel lonely.
I start conversations that never get finished, or even followed, becos it seems I’m on a different wavelength. I try and talk about the difficulties in my marriage with a fairly good friend, but wind up feeling more alone after we’ve hung up. I worry that’s she finds me completely weird, but I know she doesn’t understand how traumatising my H’s mood swings can be.
At the same time, I know that where you’re at atm the moment is way more intense than that, becos I have been in lonelier spaces. For long periods of time.
All I can say is, it will get better.
I think you’ve spoken about the feeling you get of not being safe, at home. And to me, this is perfectly natural. It’s a difficult balance, to not have others to trust enough to live with, and yet to not really feel safe on your own.
Being in relationship is hard!

Having your trust violated is hard!
Knowing what to do, and how to get thru- that’s hard.

And yeah, def after having good stuff, fun times. Life is a roller coaster hey, even at the top of the ride, we need to be preparing for the bottom. But same same, as we feel ourselves at the bottom, we can remind ourselves that it’s going up again soon, just wait, and ride it out.
Love you Sleepy,

J*

[ecomama]

Dear Sleepy (waves to J* and all others reading),

I get exactly where you're coming from. It's completely understandable that you've felt extremely lonely.
It's a horrible feeling.
Tons of hugs!

This could be way off your train of thoughts but Alexa said something about the planets and that many people are feeling esp lonely atm, I've found this too.

What we're all going through, being the pandemic and forced isolation, is one huge thing.
Then the situations our lives are in are another level too.
My aim is just to be okay through this.

I agree I can sometimes feel MORE lonely after talking with friends on the phone (which I'm avoiding atm bec everyone's so angry ugh)... but hearing about things they miss like dinner out with friends, all their social things etc brings a hole in my heart.
I literally don't have that outside of the pandemic.

The only offer I have is to try to compartmentalise other people's lives apart from yours.
Bring your mind back to what you can DO for yourself in your life.

You're doing SO WELL Sleepy. You've shown such resilience! Persistence and a motivation that I'm sure many people wish they had. xxxx
You've managed to get many supports in place which I'm grateful for, for you. Your Art, cooking and reaching out to connect are all things that will bring you more peace and contentment.

Do you know what you want?
Are there things you feel you can work towards to increase your own person happiness and well-being?

Thinking of you. Hugs.
Love always
EMxxxx