Thinking about death.... all the time...

[Guest_1643]

Hi all

I've been struggling for 3 weeks with suicidal thoughts

My new GP is amazing

He tells me to think of suicidal thoughts as a symptom maybe a solution

Could he be right?

Today he assigned someone to give me a call to check in on my safety. I don't think that will happen. I've not received the call.
Small things like this lead to rage, hurt and fear for me.

And so I am left to deal with the thoughts alone.

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Hi sleepy

I know you’re having a hard time at the moment with things being the way they are. I hope you’re still managing to do some nice things for yourself. Such a challenging time for everyone, and more so for people already struggling.

I’ve signed up for a free trial of Stan so I can watch a new show with Isla Fisher in it. Hope it’s good. Have you seen or read anything good lately?

Katy

[Guest_1643]

i can't handle anything anymore...

literally can't.

there's no point.

i am trying to put one foot in front of the other, and the psychiatrist said maybe i catastrophise... so i'm using that as a comfort ... maybe things aren't "over" - maybe i'm just thinking they are because my brain works that way.

I've done it before, made mountains out of molehills...

I went away for a few days and it really brought up some stuff. I feel better and got some sleep, which I needed, but I also had a lot of flashbacks which were unbearable.

I felt and revisited very painful feelings. I felt every single thing had gone wrong in the last few years and it was all a horrible mess.

[Matchy69]

Hi sleepy I am sorry thing are not going so well for you at the moment.A few days away would have been nice but to have flashbacks probably ruin what you were achieving with your break.I think a lot of us can be guilty of making mountains out of molehills as I know I am.I will be around if you need to talk or let it out.

Take care,

Mark.

[Guest_1643]

Hi Mark, I sometimes doomscroll at night, reading up on things online that are triggering and upsetting. I've been doing that a lot lately.

Hard to know what I achieved from the break. My sleep improved which was a great feeling but coming home was a shock and overwhelming, I have not unpacked my bags....

I felt a bit in crises there, very intense feelings....but it was easier there because I was surrounded by other ppl. I stayed in a cheap hotel.

I really am tired of living alone and am finding it very lonely coming back.

[Guest_1643]

Hi ...

I Had a good day but very triggering now being in my apartment with all my unpacked bags and mess everywhere.

I get disordered in my brain, and feel sad that I can't manage transitions at all, ie coming back ho,e from a short trip. I feel bad about myself and like I'm failing.

I got some new books from the library, short stories by Emma Cline, and am watching the lost daughter on netdlix. It's a bit eerie but really good so far.

I'm proud that I thought a little bit ahead to stock up in food before my trip, so I have a few things at home.

[Matchy69]

Hi Sleepy I know the feeling of being alone it does get depressing.Even though I have the kids half the time here,I miss having someone special.I miss being married and think it was easier with them.

I always hate coming back from holidays and get depressed and I wish I was still away.I haven't been away for ages.My daughter wanted to go to the coast for her 18th.My ex is to worried about covid so decided stay here.

[therising]

Hi Sleepy21

I'm sorry I missed your post from the 12th of Jan. There's nothing quite like highly triggering types of people, especially relatives who are convinced they're not triggering. You know what it's like when people insist 'You're just too sensitive. You need to toughen up, grow a thicker skin'. Sometimes you just want to say 'Dude, not only are you triggering and depressing but you're also ignorant. You completely ignored that fact I just told you that kind of stuff you say is depressing'. Why can't people hear at times? Typically, careful listeners aren't triggering types of people.

Returning from a holiday, a trip or a stay somewhere can definitely be depressing to different degrees. I can recall coming back from an annual holiday to a place I always go to. On this occasion, I couldn't work out what was wrong with me. I came back and cried like never before, really sobbed. It felt like a deep grief in a way. I gradually worked out why I felt so effected and I'm wondering if you can relate. To return from somewhere doesn't just involve coming home. I've found it also involves re-turning or turning again to who we're used to being. So, it's like you can go off and discover a new and amazing part of yourself and when you come back you re-turn or turn again to your old nature or old self. It can feel kind of like a default setting in some ways. I've found the challenge comes down to coming home and turning again and again to the self you discovered while you were away, even if it's just a little at first. For example, if you only ever adventure (add ventures to life) when you go interstate, the challenge is to come home and continue adding new ventures. I suppose it's about keeping that part of yourself alive, maintained. To come home without the adventurer in you can be depressing on many levels (mentally, physically/chemically and naturally). When I say 'naturally', it can kind of feel like you've left your spirited self behind on that holiday.

Who did you find in yourself while you were away? Was there a new aspect of yourself you discovered, that you can't live without? Is it a part of you that's just longing to come to life more?

[Guest_1643]

Feeling very very awful today.

I know how hard it is feeling alone without a special other. It is lonely and more difficult to get things done. I get my friends husband to install light globes and put together flat packs...

I saw my psych and he said my messages to my family sounded good, right tone, assertive.

I found there messages so uncalled for. It's like they can't help themselves from putting me down. They lectured me that I never responded to them and make them feel bad, that I'm in my own world etc., they say happy new year , then tonnes of criticism.

I responded just thank u for wishing me a happy new year.

Then they sent more texts about how hard their lives are and how difficult I am.

So then I sent one firm text.

[Guest_1643]

I work up feeling worse than I've ever felt

I feel so over it all.

I can't sleep well, since coming back, but when I was away my sleep settled and I could relax and just see things from a calm perspective

At home I am so focussed on the mess, the pressure, the triggering memories from this place, and how damaged my life is.

My psych didn't understand what it feels like to have a toxic family.

It's not fun, like haha all families are weird and silly

It's unsafe. I have to block them and protect myself from them, my dad has come to my house before and threatened me.

So then I block them but again it's not haha how bad is my family, annoying, but sometimes u gotta not speak to the, haha families are crazy...

no it results in me being completely alone, a woman with no family at all, no partner, and no parents , no cousins etc, because I have to block them all to stay safe.

[monkey_magic]

Hi Sleepy,

Its good that you recognise the seriousness of the situation and block toxic people from your life even if they are family. I have a toxic father which I keep my distance from. It sounds like there's a lot of family members you need to steer clear of.

Friends can be better than family. If you can find some good friends that will be good but it's tough during these times to get close to people I suppose.

You've shown great assertive skills and your father threatening you just isn't on.