Thinking about death.... all the time...

[Guest_1643]

Hi all

I've been struggling for 3 weeks with suicidal thoughts

My new GP is amazing

He tells me to think of suicidal thoughts as a symptom maybe a solution

Could he be right?

Today he assigned someone to give me a call to check in on my safety. I don't think that will happen. I've not received the call.
Small things like this lead to rage, hurt and fear for me.

And so I am left to deal with the thoughts alone.

[quirkywords]

Sleepy,

I am sorry you are having a tough time.
Thinking of you today.

[Guest_1643]

Thanks quirky for helping me through today.

I left a party early and am by myself

It's tiring trying to keep in a happy mood when all the worst and most awful thoughts and feelings surface

Last week every day felt like twenty....I was unable to get through day by day. I would count down to therapy or appointments .

I feel like this week will be the same, ii don't have much to look forward to.

I took myself out for a coffee and I found it relaxing.

I asked if they were open tomorrow and rhey said yes, so maybe I'll go back

[Guest_1643]

Hi all, yesterday was hard.

I had a bad experience with the triage. My cm told me over this time to call them judt for chats...I felt that was quite bad advice, and to me feels like something u would say if u have never dealt with the emergency mh supports. Sometimes the gap between myself and clinical ppl seems huge, like they don't actually know how hard it is to reach out or how it feels to be vulnerable in the mh system.

I feel stronger these days to just say no, that doesn't work for me, but there's a part of me that hates to ruffle feathers and just wants to be easygoing and agreeable.

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Hi sleepy

I’m sorry yesterday was hard. It’s unpleasant to feel like we are misunderstood, which makes the case for lived experience/peer workers. Although, even then everyone’s experiences are different. I wonder if instead of framing it as though you’re ruffling feathers, you might consider that you’re helping them to learn BECAUSE they don’t have the experience you do? Understand if that’s too much. Some days we just aren’t up for it.

Did you end up going back to the coffee place you enjoyed? It’s sounds like a little self care would be valuable about now.

By the way, I adored what you wrote on my thread. I know youve struggled with body image, so being able to embrace your stretchies is pretty fabulous.

Hugs to you x

[Guest_1643]

Hi Katy,

How are u? I struggle a bit with feeling shy so I reckon that idea might work for me, because I would feel less about me and more about helping them.

I Get a bit too compliant at times, just go with the flow, without actually speaking up. I'm scared the person will feel bad, or inadequate, or lectured to. There's always a reason to stay quiet.

It's my hope to lean in to my knowledge and wear it proudly.

I read someone say that surviving the mh system is a privilege. Agree.

I went back to the Cafe and it was so good! It seems to be a friendly spot. Might try again tomorrow. Xx

[Guest_1643]

Hello bb family,

I tried Lifeline chat from my tablet for the first time today, it was pretty painless and OK.

Handy, maybe. Not a flop or disappointment. OK.

I'm guessing they are alsom24 hours although maybe not.

I'm not feeling safe in my home for various reasons and also feeling confronted by this holiday period. I don't feel like there's anything much for me to look forward to, and I feel my usual supports slipping away.

My friend is having a hard time herself currently and I feel bad as I was not in contact with her for ages, so I didn't know. I feel bad I missed being there.

I was just dreading and cocooning because I hate this time of year.

I dontmwant to think too much about this week and just want it over, things feel monotonous and like I'm left waiting.

My cm is away, yet, no replacement. Perhaps that will change but there is no one able to answer or confirm.

I wish they were a bit more thoughtful about being transparent to us about when they are away and who replaces them. The whole thing just triggered abandonment and made me feel anxious.

Disappointing.

[Guest_1055]

Wish I could say something to encourage you or help you. But I don't know what.

Is it possible to look forward to going out to sip on a coffee. Just something I guess Sleepy. Idk maybe

[Guest_1643]

Hi Shelll

I enjoyed every sip of ☕ today

Yum

I also have a favourite spot to sit, and waited til someone left so I could sit there. The owner knows now it's my littler corner

So rare for me to feel happy and safe in a venue

I have a bit of social anxiety

Happy that I felt that way, if only for 10 minutes

I don't go out too much so it was nice

[Guest_1643]

Hello all,

Today was such a hard day , I felt so completely alone and depressed.

I am trying to keep in mind I can see my supports soon, but it's hard when every day feels unliveable.

I have had relatives contact me lately wishing happy new year...and adding a few insults to boot.

I wish they would leave me alone and respect what I told them, many times, that I need space.

[Matchy69]

Hi sleepy I am sorry about your relatives were insulting you and not giving you your space.Its always is hard when relatives do this and not respect us and not respect what we tell them.Ibam glad you have some supports out there.The only support I had in recent times has been my doctor but with covid they have closed their doors to the practise.I will wait to things go back to normal.I might be waiting a long time. To see them again.I am living without medication as its to hard to get a script from them.I can manage withouth them at the moment.

Take care,

Mark.